Monday, January 4, 2010

Fur is murder... on your budget!

Crocheted “Ermine” Boa from Teen Fashion: Sweaters & Accessories, 1966

Ah, the 1960s. An innocent time when the only objection to wearing fur was that it would cost an arm and a leg. Sex Kitten Brigitte Bardot didn’t hug a baby seal until 1977, and PETA, the inventors of the naked tango, didn’t appear on the scene until 1980. So, with a clear conscience, a teenage girl could demand a fashionable fur scarf, and woe betide a Mother whose budget was smaller than her daughter’s fur fetish!

Thank goodness for this crocheted “Ermine” boa guaranteed to “flatter” your “loopy” teen. For proof, look no further than young Kathy’s smile of pure happiness. And why shouldn’t she smile? It’s not like her social-climbing friends will tease her unmercifully for wearing low rent fun fur. Besides, I’m pretty sure that’s not the sly smile of a teenybopper who’s planning on stealing real furs when she grows up, eluding capture due to her secret identity as Katarina the Kat Burglar.

Uh oh.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Crocheted “Ermine” Boa B-552

Coats & Clark’s “Red Heart” Knitting Worsted, 4 ply (“Tangle-Proof” Pull-Out Skeins): 4 ounces of No. 1 White and 1/3 ounce of No. 12 Black.
I suspect the “Tangleproof” is as genuine as the “Ermine”.
Crochet Hook Size K.

A piece of white felt for lining.
You’ll also need a matchbook, but it was assumed you’d have one handy. After all, cheap disposable lighters weren’t invented until 1973. And Coats & Clark knew if you were making fake fur boas, there’s no way you could afford to send a Zippo to college.
GAUGE: 3 sc = 1 inch.

Starting at center, ch 70.

1st rnd: Sl st in 2nd ch from hook and in next 4 ch, ch 8, skip next 8 ch, sc in next ch and each of the next 54 ch, 3 sc in next ch—3-sc group made;
Finally, a pattern editor that recognizes the importance of bolding semi-colons!
working along opposite side of starting chain, sc in next 55 ch, sc in each of next 8 ch, sc in back loop of next 4 sl sts,
And bolding and compressing text in order to simultaneously emphasize and de-emphasize a word. To think people waste money on mind-altering substances when you can get the same mental confusion from this pattern for free!
3 sc in back loop of next sl st—another 3-sc group; working along opposite side of sl sts, sc in free loop of next 4 sl sts, sc in next 8 ch. Join with sl st to first sc.

NOTE: The wrong side of work is the right side of Boa.
I’m pretty sure Captain Kirk used the above note to convince several alien computers to self-destruct.
2nd rnd—First Half of Rnd:

Sc in the back loop of first sc used for joining, draw loop on hook up to measure 1 inch, yarn over and draw through loop on hook, insert hook between the 1-inch loop and the single strand behind it and draw a loop through (2 loops on hook); yarn over and draw through all loops on hookknot st made;* picking up back loop only of each sc, sc in next sc, make a knot st. Repeat from * around.

Second Half of Rnd: (Working in the free loop only of each sc of the rnd just used, sc in each sc across to within next 3-sc group, 3 sc in next sc2 sc increased; 2 sc in next sc1 sc increased; 3 sc in next sc—5 sc increased at end of rnd) twice; sc as before in each remaining sc. Join to first sc.

Next 3 rnds: Work as for 2nd rnd, increasing 5 sc evenly spaced across each end of Boa on Second Half of rnd. Break off and fasten.

Press lightly on wrong side through damp cloth. Line with felt.

TASSEL (Make 8). . . Leaving a 3-inch end at top, wind White around a matchbook 6 times (as illustrated),

For the truly authentic touch, you should use a matchbook from the 1960s.

Hey, this boa is for your impressionable teenage daughter! Quickly tell her a Playboy bunny is a pet rabbit owned by a bachelor, and try to find a matchbook that won’t shock her delicate sensibilities.

That’s better.
then cut other end, leaving 3 inches to tie. Tie double knot around all strands at top. Cut an 18-inch length of Black and thread into blunt-tipped needle. Insert needle at bottom of loops, leaving a 1/2-inch length of yarn. Work 4 buttonhole stitches close together around all strands, working toward top.
Here’s a handy how-to on doing the buttonhole stitch, which I’d always assumed was only for making buttonholes. Can’t imagine how I got such a silly idea.
Now work 4 buttonhole stitches around all strands from bottom to top on other side of loops. Slip tassel off matchbook and work buttonhole stitch over all strands of White up to about the halfway point. Fasten end of Black securely. With a fairly stiff brush, brush Black (gently) toward bottom. Brush White toward bottom. Sew tassel to Boa as shown.
And remember fun fur is all fun and games, until someone humiliates a cat.

Click here for the printable pattern.


  1. The cat picture is just too cute! Your wittiness makes my day :)

  2. Bless your heart!

    If only the cat cozy was either knit or crocheted - I'd make one myself.

  3. Now that's a new definition of "catsuit"!

    As for the boa, those things dangling from it kind of look like witch fingers. So maybe it'd be good for some sort of Miss Havisham/glam witch Halloween costume?

  4. I'm so ashamed - how on earth did I manage to forget to make a "catsuit" joke?

    So, does this mean that next Halloween I can look forward to seeing some pictures of a glam witch with naughty children's fingers dangling from her stole?