Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Erin Go Barf

Hooded Crochet Jacket from Ladies Home Journal Needle & Craft, Spring/Summer 1979

In days of yore dashing, romantic costumes colored the misty Irish landscape.
In the days of yore, the Irish were also dropping like flies due to cholera and the potato famine. But on the bright side, they didn’t have this revolting jacket blighting their misty Irish landscape.
Peg O’ My Heart, fabled Irish loveliness in Audrey Peyton’s Hooded Crochet Jacket.
fa*ble [fā'bəl] noun. A story that teaches a moral, but is factually untrue. e.g. Peg believed that Audrey Peyton’s Hooded Crochet Jacket was an example of Irish loveliness. Her fiancé became violently ill at the sight, and the wedding was called off.
Chenille and wool yarns by Reynolds. See general instructions.
My general instructions are to chug five Shamrock Shakes and then dance an Irish jig. Within minutes your jacket will look exactly like the one above.


Handmade by Mother is not legally responsible should any gastro-intestinal implosions result from following the above instructions.
For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

SIZE: Directions are for Small. Changes for Medium are in parentheses.
Plus-sized gals, you just dodged a bullet.
MATERIALS: Reynold’s yarns; “Raynelle” Sport yarn, 2 oz. skeins in Lt. Olive #9428, 14 for skirt, 2 for jacket; “Velourette”, 1 oz. skeins in Rose Vif #9012, 34 (38) for jacket. Crochet hooks size G and K. Silk covered snaps.
The abbreviation Vif stands for Very Important Fiber!

Okay, it’s probably the French word vif which means a lively or fast tempo. However, it’s up to you whether you prefer your yarn to be very important, or have a reputation for being fast.
GAUGE: In “Velourette” with size G hook, approx 4 dc = 1’’, 2 rows = 1’’.

JACKET: Note: Jacket is worked from the neck down. Hood and ruffle are added later. Double increase (dbl inc) = 2 dc, ch 1, 2 dc in same space.

BACK AND FRONT: With Velourette and size G hook, ch 62 (72).
If I ever have another daughter, I’m going to name her Velourette.
Row 1: Dc in 4th ch from hook, 1 dc in next 9 (11) ch, 11 (13) sts counting turning ch (front); dbl inc in next ch, 1 dc in next 8 (9) ch (sleeve); dbl inc in next ch, 1 dc in next 18 (22) ch (back); dbl inc in next ch, 1 dc in next 8 (9) ch (sleeve); dbl inc in next ch, 1 dc in next 11 (13) ch (front); ch 3, turn.
Hey, at least I’m not going to name her Fifi Trixibelle!
Row 2: *Dc in next dc and ea dc to ch 1 sp. Work dbl inc in ch 1 sp, and rep from * across row, end ch 3, turn.

Rows 3 & 4: Continue in dc, working dbl inc in ea ch 1 sp.

Row 5: Work 2 dc in first st, work across as before to last dc, 2 sc in last st, ch 3, turn. Continue to Row 15, rep front inc on Rows 10 and 15.

Row 16: Dc in next dc and ea dc to ch 1 sp, pull a loop through, sk to next ch 1 sp, pull a loop through and finish as a dc. Dc in ea dc to next ch 1 sp, rep from *, finish row with 1 dc in each dc, ch 3, turn. Work on these sts for front and back.
Hang on, how can I “rep from *” when Row 16 doesn’t include an “*”?
Row 17: Place marker at center back. *Work 2 dc in first dc, work in dc to marker, 5 dc in center back st, continue in dc across row, 2 dc in last st, ch 3, turn. Rep from * through row 36 having 1 more st at ea side of front, and 5 sts at center back ea row. End off.

SLEEVES: Place marker at center of sleeve. Att yarn in dc at underarm and work 1 dc in ea dc to marker, 3 dc in center st, 1 dc in ea st to end of row, ch in to beg st to close row, ch 3, turn. Rep from * until 15 rows from beg. End off.
“Att” either stands for Attach or Attack. As in attach the yarn at the underarm OR attack the pattern editor for once again providing no “*” to “rep from”.

Once could be a typo, but twice! Clearly, the pattern editor was already drowning the shamrock.
HOOD: Att yarn at front corner of neckline.

Row 1: Ch 3, work dc in same st, work 2 dc in ea sc around neckline, ch 3, turn.

Rows 2-12: Work 1 dc in ea sc across, ch 3, turn.

Rows 13-24: Work 1 dc in ea dc across, but dec 2 sts in ea row at random spaces. Do not have dec above ea other.

Rows 25-36: Work 1 dc in ea dc, dec 3 time ea row in random spaces. End off. Fold hood in half. With right sides tog and size K hook, sl st tog to form seam at top of hood.
Then again, if I was editing this pattern, I’d be tempted to drown my sorrows, too.

Is there any problem that getting drunk on light beer dyed with green food colouring can’t solve?
RUFFLE: With size K hook and Sport yarn, beg at lower right edge of jacket.

Row 1: Work 10 tr into edge st of ea row to neckline (360 tr), ch 4, turn.

Row 2: 1 Tr in ea tr to Row 24 (240 tr), 1 dc in next st, 1 hdc in next st, 1 sc in next st, end off.

Row 3: With right side facing, beg at Row 18 (180th st of Row 2), sc in first st, hdc in next st, dc in next st, tr in next st and in ea st to neck, ch 4, turn.
No sober pattern editor would describe Row 18 as the 180th stitch of Row 2. Just like no sober pattern designer would expect you to make over 500 triple crochets for a jacket’s ruffle!
Row 4: Tr in ea tr to Row 12 (120th st of Row 3), 1 dc in next st, 1 hdc in next st, 1 sc in next st, end off.

Row 5: Att yarn in first st at bottom of jacket, ch 3, sc in same st, * work 1 sc in next 3 sts, ch 3 and sc in next st. Rep from * to neck. End off. Work other side to correspond.
Of course, no sober crocheter could cope with a pattern that used “Row” to denote what part of the ruffle from hell you’re making AND the part of the jacket you’re attaching this monstrosity to.

Although, maybe “Att” really does mean attack. After all, if I looked down and saw that ruffle hanging there, I’d attack it.
HOOD AND SLEEVE EDGING: For hood, beg at top of ruffle and work to other side. For sleeves, beg and end at underarm. Att yarn, ch 3, 2 dc in same st, *1 sc in next st, 3 dc in next st, rep from * to end.

FINISHING: Sew snaps to inside of jacket as close to ruffle as possible, spacing so there are no gaps when jacket is closed.
Plus, you could argue it was self-defense. There you were, innocently trying to sew snaps onto your jacket, but in your desperation to ensure there wasn’t a single solitary gap that would bring shame upon your Mathair, you got a wee bit too close to the ruffle...

And Jaysus, the bucket of snot attacked you! So, you had to feckin’ beat it with a Shillelagh, didn’t ya? Too right!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Click here for the printable pattern.

3 comments:

  1. hahaha.......Barfolicious monstrosity!

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  2. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll...... It looks better WITHOUT the ugly ruffle. but hey, UGLY is the new BEAUTIFUL, dahling! [no, seriously.... have you SEEN the ugliness running rampant at Walmart? I mean the clothing section.... sheesh, I'm not THAT mean.]

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    Replies
    1. Ruffles and oversized bows are definitely back where I live. Because somebody missed them. Certainly wasn't me. :)

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