Bow before your new fashion overlords!

Hat patterns from “at the drop of a hat” by Lady Galt, 1968

Don’t look into their eyes!

They’re trying to hypnotize you with their psychedelic eyeballs. If they succeed, they’ll replace your eyeballs with buttons and you’ll never see your real Mother again.

What? This isn’t the time to bring up issues you have with your Mother, the fate of the world is at stake!

Well, fine. Now, we’ve been enslaved by three disembodied heads with questionable taste in fashion.

I hope you’re happy.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Fashionaire
(One size fits all adults)

Look into my eyes, says Fashionaire. You will believe that a shapeless hat made of chunky yarn is the height of fashion.

MATERIAL: Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
Colour A: 2 balls. Colour B: 1 ball. 1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles.

TENSION: 1 ½ sts = 1 inch.

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: (wrong side) With Colour A, purl. Row 2: With Colour B * k 1, sl 1; repeat from * to end. Row 3: With Colour B, purl. Row 4: With Colour A, * sl 1, k 1; repeat from * to end.

BODY OF HAT: With Colour A cast on 8 sts. Work in pattern for 22 ins. Cast off.

This woman has obviously been hypnotized by the evil Fashionaire. Just look at her hat!

The poor thing is so far gone, she’s forgotten how to eat.

Top: With Colour A and right side toward you, pick up an knit 32 sts along one side of strip. Working in Stockinette Stitch, dec as follows: First Dec Row: P 2 tog to end. Knit 1 row even. 2nd Dec Row: P 1, * p 2 tog, p 1; repeat form * to end. 3rd Dec Row: K 2 tog to last st, k 1. Break yarn, leaving a 20 inch end, draw through remaining sts and fasten securely.

Band: With Colour A and right side toward you, pick up and knit 28 sts along opposite edge of hat.

Next Row: Cast off on purl row.

FINISHING: Sew seam. DO NOT BLOCK.

Toque
(One size fits all adults)

Next in our rogues gallery is Toque. Sure, her name’s cute, but watch out – her whirling green eyes will suck you right in. She’ll make you believe that the Gamesters of Triskelion was a good episode of the original Star Trek.

Oh yes, she’s that evil.

MATERIAL: 4 balls Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles.

TENSION: 2 sts = 1 inch.

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: * Knit in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off needle over first st, k first st; repeat from * to end. Row 2: * Purl in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off needle over first st, purl first st; repeat from * to end.

You don’t think it’s any accident that Toque has those long, snaky braids, do you? She’s first cousin to the evil Kaa!

BODY OF HAT: Cast on 36 sts. Work in Pattern Stitch for 7 ins. Keeping continuity of pattern dec as follows: First Dec Row: * K 2, k 2 tog; repeat from * to end. Work 1 row even. 2nd Dec Row: * K 1, k 2 tog; repeat form * to end. Work 1 row even. 3rd Dec Row: K 2 tog across row. Break yarn, leaving a 24 inch end, draw through remaining sts and fasten securely.

FINISHING: Sew seam. Make a pompon. DO NOT BLOCK.

Cloche
(One size fits all adults)

And finally, we have Cloche, whose hat resembles no other cloche in all of fashion history.

MATERIAL: 4 balls machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles.

TENSION: 2 sts = 1 inch.

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: * Knit in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off needle over first st, k first st; repeat from * to end. Row 2: P 1, * purl in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off over first st, p first st; repeat from * to last st, p 1.

What’s Cloche’s crime against humanity, you ask?

She... she... she’ll make you wear her cloche. In public!

BODY OF HAT: Cast on 42 sts. Work in Pattern Stitch for 7 ins.

Top: With right side toward you, and working in Stockinette Stitch, dec as follows: First Dec Row: * K 1, k 2 tog; repeat from * to end. Purl 1 row even. 2nd Dec Row: K 1, * k 2 tog, k 1; repeat from * to end. 3rd Dec Row: P 2 tog across row ending p 1. Break yarn, leaving a 24 inch end, draw through remaining sts and fasten securely.

FINISHING: Sew seam.

Fortunately, by the time Fashionaire, Toque and Cloche are done with you, you won’t have to worry about anyone recognizing you.

“Go forth, our be-hatted minions, and crush our enemies!”

Click here for the printable pattern.