Son of Phentex

“Week-End” cardigan and necktie pamphlet, c. 1970.

Handmade by Mother has already alerted the public to the terrible risks of approaching Phentex in the wild. But the grisly photo above proves that city folk are in just as much jeopardy as their country cousins. Also, this clear evidence of two Phentex sweaters hunting as a pair discredits the long held assumption that Phentex is a murderous loner.

The brown cable sweater has wisely targeted the younger and weaker prey. The stiffness of the boy’s stance shows how Phentex first immobilizes its victim with its crystalline itchiness. Then, and only then, will it attempt to choke its prey with a polypropylene polymer tentacle, here cleverly camouflaged as a knitted tie. So, if you ever see such an ugly as sin tie, quickly rip it off the victim’s neck and bludgeon the hideous creature to death. Sure, the court-ordered 72 hour psychiatric assessment will be a tad inconvenient, but just think of the gratitude of the person whose life you’ve just saved.

I’m moved to tears by the boy’s frantic attempt to gain his father’s attention by picking at his woolen trousers. Alas, the larger, goldenrod Phentex sweater is distracting dad with seductive lies about how his mod clothing and hairstyle make him look too young to have such a strapping son. Dad’s puffed out chest and pretentious pipe handling confirms that he will not discover just how ugly his sweater is until it’s far too late.

For the complete pattern (and more Phentex Phun!)

“Week-End” Style No. 7175

Materials: -- Phentex (3 ply): 8 ((12)) skeins of Phentex; 3 buttons; Two No. 5 knitting needles (American Size No. 8); Two No. 4 knitting needles (American Size No. 9); 1 extra needle (cable needle).

SIZES: -- Boys: 12 yrs – Men: 40-42.
Directions are given for size 12. Changes for sizes 40-42 are in parentheses (( )).

The double parentheses are to protect you from exposure to so much Phentex.

TENSION (GAUGE): -- 3 sts = 1 in. – 9 rows = 2 ins. with Phentex double (6 ply) and No. 4 knitting needles (American Size No. 9) or any other size that will give the correct tension (gauge).

PATTERN STITCHES

GARTER STITCH: -- All rows, K.
STOCKING-STITCH (STOCKINETTE-ST): -- 1 row K, 1 row P.
SAND STITCH: -- Row 1: K1, P1. -- Row 2: -- K.

It was necessary to provide this basic information because only absolute beginners could be bamboozled into taking on a pattern involving this much Phentex.

N.B. – Use Phentex double (6 ply)

N.B. is the abbreviation for Notez Bien which is French Canadian for “Forget to Use Phentex and We’ll Pour Poutine down your Parka”.

BACK

With No. 5 knitting needles (American Size No. 8) and Phentex double (6 ply), cast on 60 sts ((84)).

Knit 6 rows in ribbing: K1, P1.

Change to No. 4 knitting needles (American Size No. 9) and proceed.

Row 1: -- (K1, P1) on next 12 ((15)) sts., K8, (K1, P1) on next 20 ((15)) sts., K8, (K1, P1) on next 12 ((15)) sts., ((K8, (K1, P1) on next 15 sts)).
Row 2: -- K12 ((15)) sts, P8, K20 ((15)) sts, P8, K12 ((15)) sts, ((P8, K15)). Rep these 2 rows 5 times.
Row 13: -- **(K1,P1) on next 12 ((15)) sts, sl next 4 sts on cable needle and leave at front of work, K next 4 sts, then K the 4 sts on cable needle (this is called a cable);

Don’t patronize me!

Even beginners know that using a cabling needle causes cables to spontaneously appear.

(K1, P1) on next 20 ((15)) sts, make a cable (K1, P1) on next 12 ((15)) sts, ((make a cable, (K1, P1) on next 15 sts)).
Row 14: -- Rep row 2.
Rep rows 1 and 2, 5 times**.

THESE ROWS from ** to ** FORM A PATTERN.

And I said, DON’T PATRONIZE ME!

Knit in pat until work measures 13 ((16)) ins or the desired length.

RAGLAN: -- Working in pat, dec 1 st at each end of needle every 2 rows until 24 ((34)) sts remain on needle. Cast off (bind off).

RIGHT FRONT: -- With No. 5 knitting needles (American Size No. 8) cast on 34 ((46)) sts.
Row 1: -- K4, (border in garter st) knit in ribbing (K1, P1) across row.
Row 2: -- Knit in ribbing to last 4 sts, K4.
Rep these 2 rows, twice.

Change to No. 4 knitting needles (American Size No. 9) and proceed.

I’m beginning to suspect that this pattern editor is patronizing Americans.

Row 1: -- K4, (K1, P1) on next 10 ((17)) sts, K8, (K1, P1) on next 12 ((17)) sts.
Row 2: -- K12, ((17)), P8, K14 ((21)).

Cont border in garter st and the pat until work measures 13 ins.

Size 12: -- Working in pat, dec 1 st every 2 rows at armhole edge and 1 st every 4 rows at neckline edge, knitting 5th and 6th sts tog in order to keep the border of 4 sts in garter st.

Hey, I just noticed that this pamphlet was published in St. Hyacinthe, Québec. That means that it’s us Canadians patronizing Americans.

Stephen Colbert was right! When it comes to Americans, Canadians can be real Iceholes.

((Sizes 40-42: -- Working in pat dec 1 st every 5 rows at neckline edge, knitting 5th and 6th sts tog in order to keep the border of 4 sts in garter st. When work measures 16 ins, dec 1 st every 2 rows at armhole edge.))

Dec in this manner at neckline and armhole edges until 7 sts rem. Leave 4 border sts in waiting and cast off (bind off) the 3 other sts.

LEFT SIDE: -- With No. 5 knitting needles (American Size No. 8) cast on 34 ((46)) sts.
Row 1: -- Work in ribbing (K1, P1) to last 4 sts, K4 (border).
Row 2: -- K4, work in ribbing across row.
Row 3: -- Rep row 1.
Row 4: -- K2. Cast off (bind off) next 2 sts for buttonhole. Cont in ribbing across row.

But then Americans have been known to put down their northerly neighbour, Soviet Canuckistan.

Row 5: -- Work in ribbing to last 2 sts, cast on 2 sts to close buttonhole, K last 2 sts.
Row 6: -- Rep row 2.

Change to No. 4 knitting needles (American Size No. 9): --
Row 1: -- (K1, P1) on next 12 ((17)) sts, K 8, (K1, P1) on next 10 ((17)) sts, K4 (border).
Row 2: -- K14, ((21)) sts, P8, K12 ((17)) sts.

Cont as for right front, taking care to make 2 other buttonholes, having 18 ((20)) rows between each buttonhole and reversing all shapings.

SLEEVES: -- With No. 5 knitting needles (American Size No. 8) cast on 24 ((40)) sts.
Knit 6 rows in ribbing (K1, P1).

Change to No. 4 knitting needles (American Size No. 9).
Row 1: -- (K1, P1) on next 8 ((16)) sts, K8, (K1, P1) on next 8 ((16)) sts.
Row 2: -- K8 ((16)), P8, K8 ((16)) sts.

Cont in pat inc 1 st each end of needle on the 8th ((14)) row and at every 6th ((10th)) following row until 38 ((52)) sts on needle.
Cont without further inc until sleeve measures 14 ((17)) ins or desired length.

To be fair, Canadians often enjoy jokes made at our expense.

RAGLAN: -- Dec 1 st each end of needle every 2 rows until 2 sts rem on needle. Cast off (bind off).

NECK EDGE: -- Join Phentex to 4 sts of front border left in waiting, and knit these 4 sts in garter st until work measures about 10 ((11)) ins.
Join to 4 sts of other front border.

NECKTIE: -- Use Phentex (3 ply) for necktie.
With No. 5 knitting needles (American Size No. 8) cast on 11 sts.
Row 1: -- K1, P1 across row.
Row 2: -- (Wrong side of work). K.
K in pat (rows 1 and 2) until necktie measures 15 ins or desired length. Dec 1 st each end of needle on next 2 rows.
Knit in pat the 7 sts left until work measures 14 ins. Cast off (bind off).

Let’s face it, when your national symbol is an aquatic rodent, a sense of humour is a must!

FINISHING: -- Pin the pieces out to measurements and cover with a damp cloth.
Holding a steam iron about 2 ins above the pieces, pass lightly over allowing only the steam to pass thro’ the cloth.

Um, was there a time when steam irons produced something other than steam?

I shudder to think of the possibilities.

Leave pinned out to dry.

ASSEMBLING: -- Sew seams, sleeves, and buttons in place.

do not press
no
dry cleaning
No phone calls will be accepted regarding patterns or instructions. If you have a query write to Pattern Division, Phentex Inc.

I suspect that most of the mail Phentex Inc. received were wrongful death suits from bereaved relatives. However, I agree with the no telephone rule. I wouldn’t want to listen to someone’s last strangled gasps as a Phentex tie throttled them either.

Click here for the printable pattern.