Don’t Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve

All Heart Skimp from “The Great Little Crochet Skimps”, c. 1975

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and you’re no doubt thinking about knitting something special for the man you love. Don’t do it! You may believe that only sweaters will curse a relationship, but even knitting a fifteen foot scarf for your boyfriend is a one way ticket to Lonely-Town!

Still, you’re desperate to prove you love him, so what’s a girl to do?

Clearly, you need to ditch the whole subtle approach and expose your supersized heart for everyone to see. That way, he can’t claim he doesn’t know just how incredibly super awesomely much you love him. Why every time he looks at your chest your Valentine message will be right there in his face. “I Loooove You this MUCH!”

In fact, this could be the beginning of a whole new way of communicating with your boyfriend. Anything you really want to say to him, just crochet or knit it onto your chest.

“Honey, you’re a slob, and I don’t approve of your friends.”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

All Heart

These directions are for small size (8-10) and medium size (12-14).

Evidently large size ladies don’t wear “skimps”. Skimp being another word for vest, sleeveless pullover and the rather suggestively named potholder. (Hopefully, your pots come in pairs!)

In the seventies, fashion designers weren’t all heart when it came to plus size gals. However, skimps for skinny girls were far from their worst offence.

MATERIALS

BERNAT BERELLA GERMANTOWN (2 oz. balls)
- 2 Main Color (M C)
- 1 Color A
- 1 Color B

Yes, this is what “chubby” looked like in the heroin chic, starving seventies.

Poor Tracy. This pink pleated perky nightmare has been cruelly designed to make her look perfectly cylindrical, utterly waist-less, and neck-less too. No wonder she doesn’t care if chubby fashions are hard to find – she probably prays nightly that the local Sears will burn to the ground.

FOR SMALL SIZE
1 BERNAT-Aero crochet hook Size 1
(Canadian Wool Crochet Hook No. 5:50 mm)

FOR MEDIUM SIZE
1 BERNAT-Aero crochet hook Size J
(Canadian Wool Crochet Hook No. 6:00 mm)

I was briefly excited to see the word Canadian in the pattern, but then I noticed that Bernat believes Canadians sort their Crochet Hooks according to a 24 hour clock. And also make them out of wool.

Yes, I live in a magical, if very cold, land.

OR ANY SIZE HOOK THAT WILL GIVE THE STITCH GAUGE GIVEN BELOW

GAUGE
3 sts = 1 inch on Size I hook
7 sts = 2 inches on Size J hook

NOTE 1: Both sizes are made on the same number of stitches, using the hook suggested for the correct GAUGE.

Note 2: Always count turning chain as 1 d c.

Granted, these notes may be useful for the beginning crocheter, but why do pattern editors always feel the need to shout at noobs? Are they really afraid they’ll use the hook suggested for the correct gouge instead of gauge?

Mind you, with this particular pattern the ability to correctly gouge with a crochet hook would be welcome. So maybe those all-caps are not a bully’s shout, but a terrified scream.

“It’s gauge, GAUGE! Please don’t gouge holes in me just because I wrote an incomprehensible pattern riddled with errors!”

HEART: Make 2. Using M C, ch 4. Row 1: 2 d c in first st of ch, ch 3, turn – 3 d c. Row 2: 1 d c in space of turning ch (inc), 1 dc in next space, 2 d c in last d c (inc) ch 3, turn – 5 d c. Row 3: 1 d c in space of turning ch (inc), 1 dc in next 3 d c, 2 d c in last d c (inc) ch 3, turn – 7 d c. Continue to inc one st at beg and end of every row until there are 36 d c, ch 3, turn. TO DIVIDE FIRST HALF: Row 1: 1 d c in each of the next 16 d c, ch 3, turn – 17 d c. Rows 2 and 3: 1 d c in each of the next 16 d c, ch 3, turn. Row 4: 1 d c in each of the next 13 d c, y o hook, draw up a loop in next st, y o, draw through 2 loops on hook, y o, draw up a loop in next st, y o, draw through 2 loops on hook, y o, draw through 3 loops on hook (dec), 1 d c in tuning chain, ch 3, turn – 16 d c. Row 5: 1 dec st in next st. 1 d c in each of the next 10 d c, 1 dec st in next st, 1 d c in turning ch, ch 3, turn – 2 sts dec. Continue to dec 1 st at beg and end of EVERY row until 6 sts remain. Fasten off. SECOND HALF: Starting at center of heart, skip 1 d c, join yarn in next d c and work to correspond to first half, working first dec at beginning of Row 4. Fasten off. EDGING: Join Color A in lower tip of heart and work 2 s c in edge of each row around side of heart. Fasten off. Join yarn at neck edge of heart...

Did you know your neck circumference is actually linked to your risk of heart disease? The bigger it is, the higher your chances of having a heart attack.

Feel free to share this fun fact with your date this Valentine’s Day! Men love it when you lecture them about their health.

... and work 2 s c in edge of each row to other side of neck edge. Fasten off. Join yarn at outside edge of remaining side of heart and work to correspond to other side, join with sl st to first st at tip of heart. Fasten off. SHOULDER STRAPS: Row 1: With right side facing you and working at top of heart, join Color A in first st, ch 3, 1 s c in each of the next 5 d c across row, ch 3, turn – 6 d c. Row 2: 1 d c in each s c, ch 3, turn – 6 d c. Repeat Row 2 six times more. Fasten off. Work other shoulder straps in same manner. SIDE LACING: Join Color A to st at tip of heart...

Do not confuse the tip of the heart with the top, or your skimp will not be tip-top.

Ba-dum-cha!

Men also find ba-dum-chas veeerrry sexy.

... and ch 20 sts loosely, turn. Row 1: 1 d c in 4th st of ch, * skip 1 st, ch 1, 1 d c in next st, repeat from * 7 times more (10 d c), ch 1, skip 2 s c at edge of heart, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c at same edge, ch 1, turn. Row 2: Skip first d c, * 1 d c in next d c, ch 1, repeat from * 7 times more, ending 1 d c in top of turning chain, ch 4, turn – 9 d c. Row 3: * 1 d c in next d c, ch 1, repeat from * 7 times more, ending skip 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c at edge of heart, ch 1, turn – 9 d c, Row 4: Skip first d c, * 1 d c in next d c, chain 1, repeat from * 6 times more, ending 1 d c in turning ch, ch 4, turn – 8 d c. Continue to work in this manner having 1 d c less at heart edge every other row until 16 rows have been completed, ending last row with 1 d c, ch 1, 1 d c in top of turning ch. Fasten off. Join Color A at tip of heart and work other side to correspond. Work same side lacings on other heart. Sew shoulder seams. SIDE EDGING: Using Color B and with right side facing you, join Color B in corner st of side lacing, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, * 2 d c in next space (V), repeat from * 13 times more, ending 5 d c in next space (corner), 2 d c in next space, 1 s c in each s c to shoulder strap, 2 s c in each d c across shoulder straps, 1 s c in each s c of second heart, 2 d c in next space, 5 d c in corner space, 2 d c in each of the next 15 spaces. Fasten off. Work same edging around other side. NECK EDGING: Join Color B in s c at divide for heart and work 1 s c in each s c around to shoulder strap, work 2 s c in each space around shoulder strap. Work same edging around remaining neck edging and other shoulder strap, join with a sl st. Fasten off. TO JOIN SIDE LACINGS OF FRONT AND BACK: With wrong sides of heart touching...

That’s right, when it comes to your heart(s), two wrongs DO make a right!

So, if you’re still a spinster, it’s because you’ve let yourself be guided by outmoded concepts like fair play and the rule of law. Fortunately, this pattern has now provided you with a far more practical philosophy for your dating relationships.

... join M C in space at lower edge of front, * ch 3, 1 s c in first space of back, ch 3, 1 s c in space between 2 d c of next V of front, repeat from * to armhole edges, ending skip 2 d c of corner, 1 s c in next space, ch 3, skip 2 d c of corner of other armhole, 1 s c in same space. Fasten off. Join other side lacings in same manner. BAND AT LOWER EDGE: With right side facing you, join Color B at side lacing, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, 2 d c (V) in each space around entire lower edge, join with sl st. Fasten off Color B. Join M C in space of V, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, * 2 d c in space of V, repeat from * around, join with sl st. Fasten off M C. Join Color B in space of V, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, 2 d c in space of V, repeat from * around, join with sl st. Fasten off Color B. Steam lightly.

Now slip on your brand new All Heart skimp and pick out just the right Valentine’s Day card for your beloved.

Why yes, darling. I will stab you through the heart with my giant steel needles if you break my big, crocheted heart. But don’t worry, I KNOW you love me best of all.

Click here for the printable pattern.