DIY - Spyder vs. Spyder

For the rest of my tale of Halloween horror and mayhem:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Phil the Phentex Spider is constructed of Phentex, Styrofoam, three pipe cleaners (AKA “chenille sticks”) and two googly eyes, using this highly unhelpful pattern. Note – that’s three pipe cleaners, not the two the materials list called for. Of course, I’m going to charitably assume that the “two” was a typo, not a malicious lie, since even the spider in the picture had six legs.

Blackie, on the other hand, is crocheted out of Red Heart Supersaver yarn using this rather more complete pattern. The fangs are plastic stick pins, and the legs were supposed to be pipe cleaners but at the time of his construction there were no pipe cleaners to be had. So instead his legs are made of twist ties, with crocheted leg warmers to conceal the fact that they should be holding my garbage bags together, not carrying him around.

 

One of These Things...

Curtain pull pattern from Gay Gadgets, 1938

No, it’s not the corn. I bet you guessed corn thinking that it’s the only vegetable in the picture. But it was a trick, corn isn’t a vegetable, it’s a grain! Bwahahaha!

Ahem. Getting back on track, it’s not the bouquet of flowers either, even though it’s the only one crocheted into a ring. Nor is it the little basket of flowers, either. Boy, you suck at this game.

For goodness sake! It’s that hideous, horrifying creature suspended above them!

What do you mean, you just didn’t want to attract its attention?

Oh God, did it just look at me?

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

CURTAIN PULL No. 9005

Draw the shades of night gaily with these jolly little curtain pulls.

Who the heck designed this unnamed creature? Was it a Satanic housewife? She’d done up her entire home in brimstone and pitchforks, but then realized her window treatments lacked a certain demonic je ne sais quoi?

Materials: Clark’s O.N.T. or J. & P. Coats Pearl Cotton, size 5, 1 ball each of White and Black. Milward’s steel crochet hook No. 7.

This was the only one of the four curtain pulls that wasn’t named. Maybe it’s a Halloween riddle we’re supposed to solve.

Body. Starting at bottom, with White ch 2. 1st rnd: 7 sc in 2nd ch from hook. 2nd rnd: 2 sc in each sc around (14 sc). 3rd rnd: Sc in each sc around. 4th rnd: 2 sc in each sc around (28). 5th rnd: Sc in each sc around. 6th rnd: * Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around (42 sc). Hereafter make sc in each sc around until piece measures 1/2’’ deep. Next rnd: * Sc in next sc, skip 1 sc, sc in next sc (21 sc). Following rnd: Sc in each sc around. Mark vertical center line of piece, and make 2 seams, each 1/2 an inch away from center line at top, and tapering to meet center line at lower part. Stuff center opening firmly with cotton batting. Then, resuming work at top of body, sc in each sc around, skipping 4 sc at each side of body.

Let’s see, what’s black and white, has no legs and isn’t a newspaper, a legless zebra, or a zombie nun?

Head. Starting at top, with Black ch 2. 1st rnd: 5 sc in 2nd ch from hook. 2nd rnd: 2 sc in each sc around. 3rd rnd: Sc in each sc around. 4th rnd: * Sc in next sc, 2 sc in following sc. Repeat from * around (15 sc). 5th, 6th and 7th rnds: Sc in each sc around. Stuff head with cotton batting. 8th and 9th rnds: * Sc in next sc, skip next sc. Repeat from * around. Pull loop through and break off, leaving a 6-inch length of thread for sewing. With White, make 2 ch-10 loops, and sew one on each side of top of head (thus forming ears). Make running stitches for eyes and mouth, and a lazy daisy stitch for nose, as in illustration, on both sides of head.

Hey, National Geographic says that a paleontolgist recently discovered a toothy ancestor of the flying squirrel. Maybe that’s it!

Tail. With Black, ch 20, turn. 1st row: Sl st in each ch across. Break off. 2nd row: Attach White and sl st in each sl st across. Break off, leaving a 6-inch length of thread for sewing.

Sew tail to lower part of body, and head to upper part (see illustration).

Cord. With White, make a chain about 24 inches long. Double chain and knot at 6 places, as in illustration. Fasten cord to top of head, between ears.

Except Volaticotherium antiquus went extinct millions of years ago.

I guess there’s no way they could’ve evolved into tiny house-dwelling beasties who sleep all day, hanging from your curtain cords, only to wake at night and go hunting for tasty human toes.

Right?

 

Aaaah! It’s coming right at me!

Click here for the printable pattern.

The Urban Legend of Paternayan

Ad for Paternayan yarn from Good Housekeeping Needlecraft, Spring-Summer, 1980

I don’t need to wade through all that text to figure out the legend of Paternayan yarns. The photo is clear evidence that if you say “Paternayan” three times into the bathroom mirror, a humongous, fez-wearing djinn will sneak up behind you and ravage you. Or possibly turn you into a man-or-woman kebob. Suffice to say, unless that’s a flying carpet she’s making, this lady has very little time left to enjoy the “quality, durability and lustrous color” of Paternayan yarns.

Yes, of course, I’m sure that’s what this advertisement is about. True, a warning about super-sized, supernatural slaughter is a strange way to promote tapestry and rug yarns. Then again, we’ve already seen yarn companies promote their products with handmade adult diapers and wild yarn orgies.

Oh all right, if you insist, I’ll read the actual ad.

For the actual ad (and more snark!):

“No one else in the world had ever made such a yarn. In fact, to this day, though imitators have come and gone, nobody makes a yarn as good as Paternayan yarn.”

I have a sneaking suspicion that the huge, honking djinn played an important part in all those imitators being “gone”. To heck with cowboys, Willie Nelson should have sung, Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be Paternayan’s competitors.

“Today, more than 50 years after its development, the wool for Paternayan Persian yarn is still sheared from sheep raised in one particular (and secret) region of the world.”

I suspect Paternayan’s secrecy had nothing to do with concerns over sheep rustling. Much like today, Iran wasn’t a popular country in the United States during 1980. However, co-founder Harry Paternayan was astute enough to realize that the average North American wouldn’t connect the word Persian with Iran.

Still, I don’t think it was Harry’s best idea to replace the negative image of hostage-taking fanatics with a menacing, man-and-woman-eating giant. Who, on closer examination, also appears to be a Ginger!

“Paternayan yarns are recognized by everyone from Mid-Eastern potentates...”

Hmmm, I’m not sure if Harry’s trying to manipulate me with fantasies of the Exotic East à la Ottoman Empire, or if he means that Paternayan yarns are very popular with Shriners.

“...to scholars at The Metropolitan Museum of Art...”

I realize that some people enjoy modern art, but just keep in mind that this is MoMA’s idea of fashion.

And no, I didn’t deliberately mix up the Metropolitan Museum of Art with the Museum of Modern Art because I thought the above image was way funnier than anything I saw at the Met.

*whistling*

“... as the world’s richest and most colorful. In fact, many of the colors we’ve developed over the years were considered impossible achievements by the color experts of the day.”

Yes, I’m sure that compared to summoning Djinn, mixing colours for yarn is a doddle.

Whaddya mean the djinn djokes are getting old?

“Harry Paternayan, co-founder of Paternayan Brothers, still oversees our yarn plant.”

I wasn’t able to find out if he still was, but it’s rather unlikely as Harry was already an adult when he left his native Turkey in 1916...

Hang on, the Paternayan family was from Turkey not Iran? No wonder their sheep farm’s location was secret! They didn’t want anyone to find out they were selling Turkish, not Persian, yarns. Or, looking at the tiny print at the bottom of this ad, Phoenix, Arizonian yarn.

Still, I have a sneaking admiration for the clever way the Paternayan brothers cashed in on the North American veneration of Persian rugs.

“Paternayan yarns have always been legendary – not just for their quality, but for the quality of the shops that sell them. Small, independent businesses run for the most part by yarn and craft experts themselves.”

Paternayan still won’t deal with Walmart, but even their mighty djinn couldn’t protect them from discount stores on the internet. I doubt that will change unless someone scans a djinn into the internet and ... eep!

There, I read the ad! But now I have a confession to make. Fact is, I’ve known all along about the real legend of Paternayan. You see, a friend of a friend’s cousin told me that if you say Paternayan three times in the bathroom mirror, Phentex spiders will sneak up and attack you.

Of course, I don’t believe in these ridiculous urban legends, so I’m not going to do it.

What’s that?

I am not a coward! Fine, I’ll prove that this Paternayan legend is nothing but a sack load of schoolgirl silliness. Just wait a sec, while I pop into the washroom to look in the mirror.

Ahem. Paternayan, Paternayan, Paternayan

You see? Nothing happened. No Phentex Spiders!

Hang on, did you hear that? It sounded like something behind m...

AAAAAAAAAAH!

 

Errata: Thanks to Faithful Reader Hind, I now have a whole new appreciation for the culture clash that produced this ad.

Hind wrote, "The name Paternayan (or any family name ending with 'yan') means that the two brothers who established this yarn industry are Armenians. I have heard that Yan means 'son'. The fact that they immigrated to the USA in 1916 shows that they fled from Turkey one year after the massacres against the Armenians there. The Armenians are living in many Middle Eastern countries, including Egypt. They are well known here as very efficient craftsmen, with great artistic talents. They are also clever merchants. One of your links says that their original craft was repairing Persian carpets, which was, until now, a highly esteemed artistic craft, which required the best materials, as genuine Persian carpets are invaluable.

"What I find interesting in that ad is that the Armenians, who are used to be in our part of the world highly respected for their talents, expected the same esteem in America, from people who didn't know their reputation. That is why the ad sounds so haughty when it is written in English, while it would sound quite normal if it were written in Arabic, or in any other Middle Eastern language.

"The other interesting thing in this ad is the Djinni standing behind the woman, who is putting his hand over her's. He is not intending to harm her, on the contrary he is inspiring her, and guiding her hand while she works. Djinn in folklore and tradition are mostly not bad. They have supernatural powers which they use to inspire the people whom they favor. Every poet or artist,was believed to have his own Djinni. In Arabic the word 'Abquari' means genius, which means literally 'belonging to the Vally of "Abquar"', the place where Djinn were supposed to dwell. So every genius has some relation with the Djinn. This ad wants to say: If you use our yarns, which are made by the supernatural power of the Djinn, they will also inspire you while you work. Again, such a thing would sound quite normal here, but not in America.

"This shows that the Armenian company, after being in America for over 60 years when that ad was written, still kept their Eastern traditions, which were not always understood correctly.

"PS: You may notice that I sometimes use the word "Djinn", which is the plural form, while "djinni" is the singular."

Thanks, Hind!

I've heard many stories of North Americans making cross-cultural advertising gaffes, so it's fun to see it works both ways.

Kingdom of the Phentex Spiders

Phentex spider pattern from Dec-o-Rex, 1970

Here, Phentex the silent killer takes its true form as a googly-eyed Orb of Death and Destruction.

Sure, Phentex Inc. insists that it’s just a “spider”. But even an amateur arachnophobe knows that spiders have eight hairy legs that tickle you awake as the tarantulas sneak under your blankets late at night. Phentex Inc. wants you to think that this six-legged creepy crawly – or six legged suspend-y in mid airy – is just another harmless, anatomically incorrect Halloween decoration. But that too is a lie.

The instructions lead you to believe that this long-legged beastie is simply the result of an unholy alliance of Phentex, styrofoam and not enough pipe cleaners. But that is the biggest lie of all.

They think you can’t handle the truth!

But if Tom Cruise could handle the truth. . . okay, bad example. Still, I know you can handle the truth that this monstrosity wasn’t handmade by anyone’s mother. This . . . this thing was created when some fool got a skein of black Phentex wet.

Don’t panic! Just make sure that your stash of Phentex is sealed inside airtight containers stored well above your local water table. You may also want to keep your pipe cleaners and styrofoam in another part of the house, just in case.

But whatever you do, don’t feed your Phentex after midnight.

 

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Materials: 1 skein of Phentex (3 ply), 2 pipe cleaners;

Wait, only 2 pipe cleaners? I know math isn’t this designer’s strong suit, but a four legged spider still seems like pressing your luck.

One pair of eyes; 1 ball of styrofoam of 4” in diameter; 2 balls of styrofoam of 1” in diameter.

Plus 3 semi-colons and the desire to misuse and abuse them.

Completely cover with Phentex, the 4” styrofoam ball and the two styrofoam balls of 1”.

Toss your Subject, Object, Verb, Prepositional Phrases etc. into blender. Skip over the wimpy settings of fold or stir and go straight for frappe or whip!

FINISHING: (See illustration).

Get their attention by shouting, but win their love by showing your vulnerability to unnecessary brackets.

Oh well, at least I have more than a grainy, old photo to guide me this time. Surely, this illustration will clear up any questions I might have on how to create my own very own Phake Phentex Spider.

 

Step 1: The styrofoam ball cowers in fear as the menacing ball of Phentex nears.

Step 2: It’s essential when shopping for “One pair of eyes” to specify that they come pre-skewered.

Step 3: In order to preserve its G-rating, the nasty details of how to attach the rear pair of legs has been blocked from view.

Step 4: Run from the beast’s terrifying hypno-gaze!

I’m filled with such gratitude for this helpful illustration that I created a personals ad for the designer of this project. I don’t think I’m wrong to assume that someone this sadistic is still single.

Desperately Seeking Soulmate; Reject all rules of grammar you must; Phentex fetish a plus; BYO Pipe Cleaners; No timewasters.

Hey, look, your first responses!

 

Freaky costumes from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Fall-Winter 1969-70.

Click here for the printable "pattern".

DIY - "I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world!"

Want to take a wild guess which pumpkin was made by following the pattern in Crochet World?

Yep, it’s the pumpkin on the left. The one that looks like a Jack o’ Lantern that was carved in early September and then left outside to slowly transform into mush.

Okay, perhaps I’m being a bit harsh. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

For more pics, and an alternate pattern:

Yikes! I haven’t seen that kind of facial swelling since the time I tripped and fell into a wasp’s nest.

Now, some of you may believe I’m not showing the Crochet World Pumpkin to his best advantage. Not true, and if you don’t believe me, just check out what he looked like a few minutes later...

Wow, I knew it was a mistake to lower the drinking age for pumpkins.

To be fair, I was wrong about “O hook” meaning 12mm. And I did completely overlook the instruction to work through back loops only. I admit that this time my Mad Crochet Skillz left a wee bit to be desired.

But what about the other pumpkin, you ask? The handsome fellow on the right?

Why he’s Crocheted Jack o’ Lantern version 2.0!

BUILDING A BETTER JACK-O-LANTERN

By Victoria Dunn (adapted from the original by L.J. Stout)

MATERIALS: Knitting worsted weight yarn, 2 oz. orange, and small amounts of lt. green, dk. green and black; crochet hook size F

Want to guess what I used? Red Heart Supersaver, of course! I’m up to my ears in leftover Halloween colours.

FINISHED SIZE: Approximately 4’’ high.

The original pattern claimed that the pumpkin would end up 7’’ high. But even allowing for his teenage slouch, Crocheted Jack o’ Lantern 1.0 wasn’t even close.

NOTE: If you want a taller pumpkin, just increase the number of dc in the center of the row, adjusting the starting chain accordingly.

HEAD: With size F hook and orange, ch 20.

ROW 1: Sl st in 2nd ch from hook and in each of next 2 ch, sc in each of next 3 ch, hdc in each of next 3 ch, dc in each of next 4 ch, hdc in each of next 3 ch, sc in each of next 3 ch, ch 1, turn (19 sts).

Working all sts through back of loop only, proceed:

Ha! I can do bossy bolding too!

ROW 2: Work sc in each sc, hdc in each hdc, dc in each dc, hdc in each hdc, sc in each sc, sl st in each sl st, ch 1, turn.

ROW 3: Work a sl st in each sl st, sc in each sc, hdc in each hdc, dc in each dc, hdc in each hdc, sc in each sc, ch 1, turn. Repeat rows 2 and 3 until your pumpkin looks round enough. The one in the illustration has 38 rows.

I couldn’t understand why L.J. wanted us to go through the bother of sewing four sections together. In this new and improved pattern, your pumpkin not only ends up much rounder, but you also have complete control over how pleasantly plump you want him to be.

Bring the top and bottom rows together, line them up st to st, and close the seam with a row of sc.

Work 1 rnd sl st around top opening with orange.

BOTTOM: With orange, ch 2.

RND 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook.

RND 2: 2 sc in each sc around (12 sc). End off. Sew this piece to bottom opening of pumpkin head.

And who doesn’t love a chubby Jack o’ Lantern?

TOP: With orange, ch 2.

RNDS 1 & 2: Work rnds 1 and 2 of bottom (12 sc).

RND 3: * 1 sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc, repeat from * around (18 sc).

RND 4: Repeat row 3 (27 sc).

RND 5: Work even in sc.

RND 6: Repeat row 3 (40 sc).

RND 7: Sl st in each st around. End off.

This should give your pumpkin a more rounded, attractive and shapely lid. If I do say so myself.

LARGE LEAF: With dark green, ch 2.

ROW 1: Work sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.

ROW 2: Work 2 sc in sc, ch 1, turn (2 sc).

ROW 3: Work 2 sc in each of 2 sc, ch 1, turn (4 sc).

ROW 4: Working in sc, 2 sc in first and last sc, ch 1, turn (6 sc).

ROWS 5-9: Repeat row 4 (14 sc).

ROWS 10-12: Sc on these 14 sts. Ch 3 on last row for turning ch.

ROW 13: Dc twice, hdc twice, sc three times, sl st two times across center, then sc three times, hdc twice, dc twice. Ch 3.

ROW 14. Sk 1st st, sc in second st, hdc twice, sc twice, sl st four times across center, sc twice, hdc twice, sk next st, dc in last st. End off. One large leaf made.

SMALL LEAF: With dark green, ch 2.

ROW 1: Work sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.

ROW 2: Work 2 sc in sc, ch 1, turn (2 sc).

ROW 3: Work 2 sc in each of 2 sc, ch 1, turn (4 sc).

ROW 4: Working in sc, 2 sc in first and last sc, ch 1, turn (6 sc).

ROW 5: Repeat row 4 (8 sc). Ch 3.

ROW 6: Dc, hdc, sc, sl st two times across center, then sc, hdc, dc. Ch 3.

ROW 7: Hdc, skip next st, sc, sl st twice, sc, skip next st, hdc. End off. One small leaf made.

STEMS: Using light green, make a chain that is as long as you want the stem to be (about 5 or 6 ch), then work sl sts through the center of the leaf for about 1/3 the length. Turn and work sl sts all the way back along the chain you just made, right to the end of the stem. Fasten off, leaving a long end for sewing.

I hope that was clear, but if not, here’s a picture that’s hopefully worth a few dozen words:

TENDRILS: With light green, make chains of varying lengths (model shows 3 tendrils). Work 2 sl st in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. End off leaving long strand for sewing. Repeat for each tendril.

CENTRAL STEM: With dark green, chain 2.

RND 1: Work 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Join with sl st in 1st sc, ch 1.

RND 2: Sc in each sc around, join with sl st, ch 1.

Repeat rnd until the stem is as long as you want it to be. Fasten off, leaving a long end for sewing, and sew the open end to the top of your pumpkin.

Sew leaves and tendrils in place. Embroider face details.

The original called for sewing crocheted triangles to the face. I tried that, but they looked so dreadful I couldn’t bear to attach them. My embroidery’s nothing to write home about, but it still proved better than the alternative.

And that’s it! You are now the proud owner of Crocheted Jack o’ Lantern 2.0!

Now, if only versions 1.0 and 2.0 would play nice together.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Along came a Spider...

Spider pattern from Crochet World, October 1979

Yes, it’s yet another Crochet World pattern. But how could I resist this charming fellow? Just look into his large felt-and-glue eyes. His gaze is almost hypnotic in its intensity. I can’t... look away... I...

Yes, master?

You’re hungry? Of course, master, I’ll get the children to play close to your new web. Reeaally close.

For complete pattern (and more snark!):

CROCHETED BLACK SPIDER

That’s right, this spider’s BLACK!

By Jane Slovacheck

Don’t even think of making this spider any other colour, or Jane will mess you up!

MATERIALS: less than 1oz. black knitting worsted;

Or as Henry Ford would say, you can have your spider any colour you want, as long as it’s black. Well, he would have said, if he’d mass produced spiders instead of cars.

Four 12’’ chenille sticks, black preferred;

Technically I can’t stop you from making the legs another colour, but word will get around. And what Jane will do to you is nothing -- nothing! -- to what will happen when the giant BLACK spiders come for you.

Oh, and “chenille sticks” is just a classy way of saying “pipe cleaners”.

Tacky type craft glue; polyester stuffing; crochet hook side “E”; yarn needle; scraps of black and white felt.

Don’t sniff the tacky glue before you shop for your supplies, or you might buy pipes instead of pipe cleaners and then you’ll really be in trouble.

TOP BODY: Ch 2, work 6 sc in second ch from hook.

RND 2: * Sc in 1 sc, 2 sc in next sc, repeat (9).

RND 3: * Sc in each of 2 sc, 2 sc in next sc, repeat (12).

RND 4: Repeat last rnd (16).

RND 5: Even.

RND 6: Repeat rnd 2 (24).

RNDS 7 & 8: Even. End.

You know, Halloween seems to be all about putting children in peril. And I’m not talking about predatory spiders with chenille legs.

Just look at this darling little boy! His cruel parents have given him a giant, lit Jack-o-Lantern, knowing full well that he’s going to drop it, crushing his toes and splashing hot wax all over himself. I know we’re not supposed to coddle our kids, but risking permanent disfigurement may be taking tough love a tad too far.

TOP HEAD: Repeat body through rnd 3, then work 1 rnd even. End.

Sew head to body, sewing 5 sc of each together. Work 1 rnd sc around entire top of spider.

BOTTOM BODY: Ch 2, work 6 sc in second ch from hook.

RND 2: 2 sc in each sc.

RND 3: * Sc in 1 sc, 2 sc in next sc, repeat (18).

RND 4: * 2 sc in 1 sc, 1 sc in each of 2 sc, repeat (24).

RND 5: Even.

And this little girl is innocently trying to blow out a candle, not realizing that if she succeeds she’ll be forced to marry before the year is out. She’s only six! How can she possibly survive as a soccer mom? Her legs won’t be long enough to reach the gas pedal in her SUV!

BOTTOM HEAD: Work as bottom body through rnd 2. Sew head and body together same as top.

Cut 1 1/4’’ off each chenille stick. Wind tip with black yarn, bend tip over, wind yarn over top and down to end of chenille stick, bend tip over and wind yarn around again. Split yarn into 2 parts and tie; cut off ends.

Put legs in place; put bottom of spider in place; sew bottom to spider, adding stuffing as needed. Bend chenille sticks to look like legs. Glue eyes on. Hang spider from a piece of yarn, if desired, and use as a Halloween decoration.

Well, I’m not like those parents. I won’t risk my children’s safety with perilous pumpkins and party games. Nope, I’m just going to put the kids to work on the spider assembly line, and play some nice Halloween music for them. But none of that trashy, modern stuff. Because I know that good, old-fashioned music won’t contain anything that might poison their precious little minds.

 

Whoops.

Click here for the printable pattern.

DIY - Teeny, Tiny Halloween Pillow

When I saw Crochet World’s patterns for Halloween Pillows, I envisioned big, comfy pillows, tossed casually on my front room’s couch. Just the thing to greet holiday visitors!

I’m sure you can see the problem with that plan.

Just like my dog, there’s no way that pillow is a purebred. Sure, Crochet World wants me to believe that this pocket size pumpkin is just the runt of the litter. However, I believe that late one night an enterprising and horny pincushion broke into their pillow breeding pen. Nine months later, a miniature pillow pattern was born.

Still, that’s no reason to give up.

To find out why:

 

See? I took all three of the original designs and added a ghost motif. All four sewn together made one decent sized pillow.

Problem solved!

Although it’s worth noting that the pillows in the Crochet World photos were most definitely constructed using double crochet stitches, not the single crochet called for in the pattern. Poor Lynne Wickham. It looks like even Crochet World didn’t trust her.

 

I also had to adjust the number of rows and stitches slightly so that all four motifs matched in size. The back of my pillow is a solid black square, but there’s no reason why you couldn’t do the motifs on both sides. Go on, I double dog dare you.

The entire pillow is knitted out of – what else? Red Heart Supersaver!

You know, considering the number of times I’ve mentioned Red Heart yarn recently, they should give me a kickback from this month’s sales.

 

What do you mean I rarely have anything nice to say about their yarn?

Just look how happy my cat is!

 

No, really. That’s her happy face.

Peter Pumpkin Eater!

Jack-o-Lantern pattern from Crochet World Omnibook, Fall 1980

I couldn’t resist another Crochet World pattern. Their fall magazines are a veritable treasure trove of Halloweeny Goodness. Just like this crocheted pumpkin is designed to be a vegetable treasure trove.

What’s that you say? Pumpkins are fruit?

Bah! If the U.S. Supreme Court can rule that tomatoes are vegetables then by the power vested in me by the Great Pumpkin, I can make bad veggie puns about pumpkins.

Oh yes, the Great Pumpkin is a close, personal friend of mine. We went to the same frat.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

And for dessert -- chilled pumpkin brains!

JACK-O-LANTERN

By L. J. Stout

MATERIALS: Knitting worsted weight yarn 2 oz. orange small amounts of green and black; crochet hooks sizes O and F; polyester fiberfill for stuffing (optional).

FINISHED SIZE: Approximately 7’’ high.

NOTE: Pumpkin head is made in four sections. For best results, do not work sl sts too tightly.

HEAD: With size F hook and orange, ch 23.

ROW 1: Sl st in 2nd ch from hook and in each of next 2 ch, sc in each of next 3 ch, hdc in each of next 3 ch, dc in each of next 4 ch, hdc in each of next 3 ch, sc in each of next 6 ch, ch 1, turn (22 sts). From here on work in back lps only across rows.

ROW 2: Work sc in each sc, hdc in each hdc, dc in each dc, hdc in each hdc, sc in each sc, sl st in each sl st, ch 1, turn.

ROW 3: Work a sl st in each sl st, sc in each sc, hdc in each hdc, dc in each dc, hdc in each hdc, sc in each sc, ch 1, turn. Repeat rows 2 and 3 until longer edge (the one with the 6 sc) measures 2 3/4’’ wide. End off leaving long strand for sewing. Make 3 more of these sections.

Sew the 4 sections together matching stitch for stitch and having the wider ends form the top and the narrow ends form the bottom.

Work 1 rnd sl st around top opening with orange.

What? You’re telling me that the picture above didn’t immediately remind you of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?

Of course it did!

BOTTOM: With orange, ch 2.

RND 1: 6 sc in 2nd ch from hook.

RND 2: 2 sc in each sc around (12 sc).

RND 3: Sc in each sc around. End off. Sew this piece to bottom opening of pumpkin head.

TOP: With orange, ch 2.

RNDS 1 & 2: Work rnds 1 and 2 of bottom (12 sc).

RND 3: Repeat rnd 2 of bottom once (24 sc).

RND 4: Work even in sc.

RND 5: Work * sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc, repeat from * around (36 sc).

RNDS 6 & 7: Work even in sc.

RND 8: Work 2 sc in each sc around (72 sc).

RND 9: Sl st in each st around. End off.

And speaking of pumpkin brains, I’ve discovered the perfect dinner to serve my family on Halloween.

Judging from the clothing and haircuts on these kids, this recipe might also date back to the 1980s.

LEAVES: (make 3.) With green and size O hook, ch 2.

ROW 1: Work sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.

ROW 2: Work 2 sc in sc, ch 1, turn (2 sc).

ROW 3: Work 2 sc in each of 2 sc, ch 1, turn (4 sc).

ROW 4: Working in sc, 2 sc in first and last sc, ch 1, turn (6 sc).

ROW 5: Repeat last row once (8 sc).

ROW 6: Work 1 row even in sc, ch 1, turn.

ROW 7: Working in sc, * pull up a lp in each of next 2 sc, yo and through all lps on hook – 1 dec made, repeat from * across, ch 1, turn (4 sc).

Repeat last row until only 1 st is left. End off leaving long strand for sewing.

Size O for the leaves? A 12 mm hook seems like an unusual choice for worsted weight yarn. It’s either a different hook sizing system than I’m used to or the leaves are supposed to be very... erm, lacy.

Oh, look! The tendrils and stems use size O too. Well, as the Great Ralph Waldo Emerson used to say, consistency is the hobgoblin of little pumpkins.

TENDRILS: With green and size O hook, make chains of varying lengths (model shows 4 tendrils) work 2 sl st in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. End off leaving long strand for sewing. Repeat for each tendril.

STEM: With green and size O hook, ch 10, sc in 10th ch from hook to form ring.

RND 1: Sc in each st around. Repeat this rnd until 7 rnds have been completed. End off leaving long strand for sewing.

Sew stem to center of top piece. Sew leaves and tendrils in place around stem as shown. If Jack-O-Lantern is to be stuffed, sew top piece on all the way around stuffing before opening becomes too small; if it is to be filled with candy, sew top piece to top opening with a few stitches at center back so the top will open and close like a lid.

But why would you want to sew the top piece shut and lock away all the tasty goodness inside?

BRrainnsSs!

EYES & NOSE: With black and size F hook, ch 2.

ROW 1: Work 2 sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.

ROW 2: Work 2 sc in each sc across, ch 1, turn (4 sc).

ROW 3: Work even in sc, ch 1, turn.

ROW 4: Work sc in first sc, 2 sc in each of next 2 sc, sc in last sc (6 sc). Continuing along one angled side, sl st in each st working 2 sl st in last st and working sl st along other angled side. End off leaving long strand for sewing. Repeat for other eye and for nose. Sew in place to front of pumpkin.

MOUTH: With black and size F hook, ch 21.

ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, sl st in same st as sc, * sk next ch, sc in next ch, ch 1, sl st in same st as last sc, repeat from * across. End off leaving long strand for sewing. Sew in place to front of pumpkin.

Uh oh. Friends of the cannibalized pumpkin have come for revenge. I told you pumpkins were honorary vegetables!

Click here for the printable pattern.

DIY - A Halloween Dilemma

Yep, I couldn’t resist the temptation. I just had to make the Witch Doorknob Cover. After all, it’s very easy and cheap made out of Red Heart Super Saver.

But now I’ve got both a pumpkin and a witch with which (say that ten times fast) to decorate my front door this Halloween. And I can’t put the witch’s head on any of my interior doorknobs instead. My family would get very upset if they couldn’t get into the bathroom because the handle was covered with a manically grinning acrylic witch.

So one of them is going to have to be banished to the Island of Misfit Toys. But which one?

For more pics:

 

Witchy has the same Western style tie as the Pumpkin Door Knob Cover because I’m terrible at making pompoms and I had no bells on hand. However, I gussied it up by stealing a couple of beads from my daughter’s craft box. Witchy-Poo seems pleased with her embezzled embellishments, and what my daughter doesn’t know, won’t hurt her.

 

Unlike the Jack o’ Lantern, there is a disturbing impaled-head-on-a-spike quality about this door knob cozy. But I really do like the jaunty orange stripe around her hat. And the threat of capital punishment might help keep Winnie-Poo, The Witch in line.

 

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe... should I charm Trick or Treaters with the Jaunty Jack o’ Lantern or scare them away with the Decapitated Witch’s Head?

The voting lines are now open!

Witch!

Witch Doorknob Cover from Crochet World Omnibook, Fall 1980

I love Edith Gordon’s cheery conviction about her pattern.

“Children should love this Halloween doorknob cover.” Which means they probably won’t.

“A wicked witch that should bring smiles instead of tears.” In fact, this pattern’s been implicated in several cases of juvenile post-traumatic stress disorder.

“This witch should bring smiles, not fright.” Repeating a statement over and over again doesn’t make it true, you know.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

WITCH DOORKNOB COVER

By Edith Gordon

MATERIALS: Knitting worsted weight yarn 1oz. each of black and pale green and a few yards red and orange; polyester fiberfill for stuffing of hat, nose and chin; 2 moveable plastic eyes size 10mm; 2 small jingle bells or pompoms; crochet hooks sizes G and I.

Yes, moveable eyes. All the better to terrify you with, my dear.

HEAD: With I hook and pale green yarn ch 4, join with sl st in 4th ch from hook to form ring.

RND 1: Ch 3 (counts as first dc), work 13 dc in ring – 14 dc. Sl st in top of first ch 3. Do not turn.

RND 2: Ch 3, dc in same st as joining, 2 dc in next dc and in each dc around – 28 dc. Join with sl st as for rnd 1.

RND 3: Ch 3, work dc in each dc around – 28 dc. Join.

RND 4: Ch 3, sk next dc, * dc in next dc, sk next dc, repeat from * around ending sl st in top of first ch 3 – 14 dc.

RND 5: Ch 1, sc in each dc around – 14 sc. End off.

Actually, if Edith’s doorknob cover proves an effective child-repellant, you won’t have to deal with Trick-or-Treaters. You’ll get to keep all the candy for yourself!

Plus you won’t have to face horrifying sights like this:

HAT: With G hook and black yarn ch 3, join with sl st in 3rd ch from hook to form ring.

RND 1: Ch 3 (counts as first dc), 5 dc in ring – 6 dc. Sl st in top of first ch 3 to join.

RND 2: Ch 3, 2 dc in next dc, * dc in next dc, 2 dc in next dc, repeat from * around – 9 dc. Join as for rnd 1.

RND 3: Repeat rnd 2 – 13 dc. Join.

RND 4: ch 3, dc in next dc, 2 dc in next dc, * dc in each of next 2 dc, 2 dc in next dc, repeat from * around – 17 dc. Join.

RND 5: Ch 3, dc in each dc around – 17 dc. Join. Break off black. Attach orange.

RND 6: Repeat rnd 5 – 17 dc. Join. Break off orange. Attach black.

RND 7: Ch 1, * sc in next dc, 2 sc in next dc, repeat from * around – 24 sc.

RND 8: Ch 1, * 2 sc in next sc, sc in each of next 2 sc, repeat from * around – 32 sc. End off.

“But V.D.,” you protest, “that Panda’s just an illustration. No one would ever be heartless enough to inflict that costume on a child.”

Ha! Here’s proof that someone did, straight from McCall’s Needlework magazine, Fall-Winter issue, 1952-53, in their “Show us how you did it with snaps!” section.

 

By snaps they meant photos, although I’m sure there’s one or two painful clothing snaps on that costume. Maybe that’s why this little boy looks like he’s about to cry.

Or maybe he’s just spotted a witch doorknob cover!

NOSE: With G hook and pale green yarn, ch 3, sl st in 3rd ch from hook to join.

RND 1: Ch 3, 5 dc in ring – 6 dc. Join.

RNDS 2 & 3: Ch 3, dc in each dc around – 6 dc. Join. End off leaving about 6’’ length of yarn for sewing.

CHIN: With G hook and pale green yarn ch 12.

ROW 1: Dc in 3rd ch from hook and in next ch, tr in each of next 5 ch, dc in each of last 3 ch. End off leaving length of yarn for sewing.

Or maybe Panda Boy is on the verge of tears because his hands are sealed into the ends of his costume. He’s only just realized that the ice cream cone in the pattern’s illustration was a cruel lie.

Don’t feed the Panda!

FINISHING: Place 6 strands of black yarn each about 5’’ long on each side of hat for hair. Tack in place. Stuff hat and attach to top of head as shown. Stuff nose and sew to center of face. Gather bottom of chin and sew seam, stuff and sew in place. Sew on eyes. With red yarn, embroider mouth in straight stitches.

TIE: With G crochet hook and black yarn, ch 60. End off. Weave tie in and out of last dc rnd of head. Attach jingle bells of pompons to ends.

Still, Panda Boy should count himself lucky. His mother could have dressed him like this:

 

Aaaahhh! Don’t feed the Clown!

Click here for the printable pattern.