Happy Halloween AKA a Taste of ClownFests to Come!

Clown Mask from Crochet World, Special Issue No. 6, 1984

“Awww... what a cute kitty. And who’s that holding the Trick-or-treat bag?

Oh my god! KILL IT! Kill the EVIL CLOWN!

Oh wait, it’s just Justin. Sorry kid, I didn’t mean to bludgeon you with my broom. Just take that darn mask off. It’s not safe. The next person who sees you might grab a shotgun, and then you’ll have a lot more to cry over than a concussion.

Next time, trust your instincts and go be Superman in your Underoos instead.”

Clearly, Justin’s crafty mother has decided she wants him dead. After all, we all know that clowns are the most terrifyingly loathsome creatures in all of Halloween lore.

You think I’m exaggerating?

Consider the horrifying evidence...

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

CLOWM MASK
By Joy M. Nore

Don’t let the name of the pattern designer fool you! Her name may look like “More Joy” but that’s just an evil plan to lull you into a false sense of security.

MATERIALS:
Worsted weight yarn: 2 ozs white, 1 oz black, 1 oz red
Crochet hook size G
½’’ wide elastic

MASK
With white, ch 31.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 6: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.

EYEHOLES:

Be sure to make the eye holes as small as possible. You don’t want your child accidentally glimpsing themselves in a mirror.

Charlie Chaplin glimpsed himself in the dressing room mirror while making his 1952 film “Limelight” and was immediately possessed by the spirit of a murderous clown. In fact, that was the real reason his American visa was revoked and he was barred from re-entering the U.S.A.. The story about his alleged “communist sympathies” was just a cover, designed to prevent mass panic in the face of a Charlie Chaplin clown on a killing spree.

Yes, clowns are scarier than communists. They’re THAT scary.

ROWS 7 – 9: Sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off.
Sk 4 st on Row 6, join in next st, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 5 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row. Fasten off.
Sk next 4 st, join in next sc, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row.
ROW 10: Sc in next 8 st, ch 4, sc in next 6 st, ch 4, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Eyeholes completed.
ROWS 11 & 12: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 13: (1st Point) Sc in 1st 14 st, sl st in next st.

Justin’s clown mask comes complete with demonic horns. Clearly, it was inspired by the Sparr Fruit Co. Clown Brand advertising campaign:

Buy Sparr Fruit, or the Sparr Fruit Clown will come to your house and slice you open with his pointy hair and eat your heart, all the while giggling maniacally.

It was a surprisingly effective campaign.

ROW 14: Sl st in 1st st, sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. (13 st)
ROWS 15 – 20: Sc in each st across to sl st; sl st or ch 1, at same end of each row, having 1 less st in each row. (7 sc in Row 20)
ROW 21: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sk 1 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 22: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in next st. Fasten off.
Second Point: Join yarn in next st on Row 13. Rep Rows 13 – 22, reversing shaping.

EYE DIAMONDS:

The eye diamonds are more proof that Justin’s mother wants him dead. After all, if Justin’s vision is completely obscured by his mask, he’s likely to wander into the street and get mowed down by a car.

With black, ch 2.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.
ROW 2: 2 sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 3: 2 sc in 1st st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 4: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 5: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 6: Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 7 – 9: (EYEHOLES) Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off after Row 9. At the other end of Row 6, join yarn in 5th st, Rep Row 6: 4 times.
Do not Fasten off.
ROW 10: Sc in 1st st, ch 4, sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 11: Sc in each st and ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 12: Sk 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 13: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 14: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 15: Dec over next 2 st. Fasten off, leaving length for sewing. Sew in place.

NOSE: Make 2’’ pompon with red yarn. Sew as shown in photograph.

FINISHING: With black, sc all around Mask, putting 2 sc in each corner. With red yarn, make straight st outward from Eyes. Cut elastic to fit around head; and sew on each side.

You might believe that being terrified of clowns is a modern phenomenon. Surely, you say, there was a far less sensible time when clowns were considered loveable. Why just look at this adorable little scamp in this vintage card!

Ignoring minor details such as that girl is far too young to be playing with fire let alone worrying about future lovers, the cat is clearly possessed by demons or it would have ripped that collar off, and the boy in the clown costume is so psychotic he’s just smashed his head through a mirror and has jagged shards of glass pointing right at his throat...

Where was I? Oh yes, ignoring all the above, the fact remains that this is just a drawing which in no way conveys the abiding horror of clowns throughout history.

Allow me to present Actual Photographic Evidence.

Some of these children are frozen in terror, while others, like the boy in the wheelchair, are resigned to their fate. The clown has them all in his corpse-white grasp, and there’s no escape. Maybe, thinks the littlest one, we’ll be allowed to live and get to be his evil minions. All I have to do is kill the photographer to prove my loyalty.

He’s wrong, of course. It’s the little girl who gets to be the killer clown’s acolyte. Yes, that’s Justin’s mother, Joy!

So have a Happy Halloween! Steer clear of the sweet old lady next door who offers to crochet costumes for you, and watch out for clowns!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Definitely Not a Treat

Trick or Treat Pumpkin from Crochet World Omnibook, Fall 1980

Longtime readers will recognize the squished jack o’ lantern on the far left as the Pumpkin of Halloween Past, Crocheted Jack o’ Lantern version 1.0 AKA Ms. Mushy. This year, we’ll be making the pumpkin in the middle, a crochet craft based on the legend of Stringy Jack!

Who’s that? C’mon, everybody knows about Stringy Jack. He was the first Irish basketball player whose long appendages and ability to dribble a carved turnip made that sport the third most popular in Ireland.

What do you mean it’s the legend of Stingy Jack? Don’t be ridiculous, why would an immortal Irishman with a turnip fetish need such long arms and legs? And just try to explain the existence of this photo without the legend of Stringy Jack!

Although, I suspect this is the love child of Stringy Jack and Ms. Mushy. Now, if you don’t believe your crochet skills are up to creating this work of art, don’t despair. This pumpkin treat is on sale now!**

As for the pumpkin on the far right of Ms. Mushy and Mr. Stringy, that’s none other than the Great Pumpkin himself. Of course, I’m not foolish enough to make a graven image of that Pumpkin of Halloween Future. Not after what happened to Linus.

**Handmade by Mother isn’t legally or morally responsible for any trauma caused by dealing with third party sites, including, but not limited to, getting exactly what you paid for.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!)

Grinning not included.

TRICK OR TREAT PUMPKIN
by Dolores Brown

MATERIALS: Plastic pumpkin (about 3-inch size); orange knitting worsted weight yarn; small amount of black yarn; ice pick and yarn needle;

Whoa Dolores – an ice pick?!

First, a bunny boiler, and now a fan of Basic Instinct. It’s shameful how the crafting world has become so morbid!

OMG, who’s the cutest zombie evah!

Ahem. I mean, shameful.

pompon maker (optional);

But the ice pick is not optional!

Then again, I’d kill for a good pompom maker.

size E crochet hook.

SIZE: Measures approx. 6” from top plastic pumpkin to feet.

Make arms and legs of orange yarn; leave about 8 inches of yarn at beginning and end.

ARMS: (Make 2.) With orange, chain 40. Make 3 dc in 3rd ch from hook and in each ch to end of row. End off. Coil and tack ending yarn to hold in place at top, then carry end through top of coil.

LEGS: (Make 2.) With orange, chain 60. Make 3 dc in 3rd ch from hook and in each ch to end of row. Finish off same as arms.

Make 2 holes with ice pick in each side for arms and 4 holes (2 each, near side) in bottom of pumpkin.

Before getting stab happy, you may wish to lay down lots of plastic sheeting to avoid leaving forensic evidence of your crime spree.

Run ends of yarns through holes and tie each arm and leg on inside. Clip excess yarn.

Make 4 small pompons using approximately 2 yds. for each of black yarn and attach to coils for hands and feet. Using 2 strands of black yarn crochet chain length desired and attach to top of pumpkin for handle.

Fill pumpkin with treats for your favorite ghost or goblin.

If I remember my Tolkien correctly, goblins like to eat hobbits. However, as Frodo Fricassee is an illegal dish in most parts of the world, maybe you should just serve up ghost treats.

Warning: eating Boo Berry cereal may result in sugar crashes, marshmallow migraines and Pantone 368 green poo.

If a much larger pumpkin is used the arms and legs could be made as follows:

That’s right, the obesity epidemic has hit pumpkins. And we all know why…

Pumpkin cannibalism!

Using size I crochet hook:
LEGS: (Make 2.) Chain 35.
Row 1: 2 dc in 2nd ch from hook and 3 dc in each st across, ch 2, turn.
Row 2: 3 hdc in each st across. Fasten off and twist to form legs.

ARMS: (Make 2.) Chain 19. Work same as legs.
Make medium-sized pompons for hands and feet.

Dolores, a “happily married housewife”…

Oh dear, those quotation marks around happily married housewife are troubling, given Dolores’ belief in mandatory ice picks. I hope for her husband’s sake that he never forgot their anniversary or her birthday.

…has three grown sons – one married, the other two still at home.

Oh ho, two failures to launch still mooching off Mom. Maybe the ice pick wasn’t to keep hubby in line, after all.

You’ll be doing your own laundry from now on, buckos!

She said that crochet is her favorite form of relaxation, but also enjoys needlepoint, counted cross-stitch, latch hook and a little quilting.

And don’t forget more than a little ice picking.

She is now learning how to tat.

But not with an ice pick. Dolores has since moved on to bigger and better weapons crafts.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Check under your Tires this Halloween!

Door Witch from Crochet World No. 6 Special Issue, 1984

Witch hunting is no longer in vogue, but witches are still not safe in the modern world. Every Halloween, thousands of witches tragically become roadkill. Yet no one wants to wear an orange ribbon to raise awareness of this sorceress slaughter!

The poor witch above, known only as Roadkilla #666, was clearly dragged for several miles by her nose. But was the driver Hansel arrested? Of course not! His sister Gretel told a sob story of being kidnapped by a cannibal witch in their youth, and suddenly Hansel’s the victim!

Handmade by Mother’s crack team of investigative journalists found it very suspicious that Hansel and Gretel threw around these accusations of nearly being eaten by a witch. Especially after they refused to explain the disappearance Roadkilla’s hands, and everyone knows that eating roadkill is legal in their home state of Tennessee.

After touring Oprah and all the talk shows, Hansel and Gretel settled down to make their fortune in Roadkill Bingo. Meanwhile, no one stepped forward to claim Roadkilla’s body, and months later her corpse was found stuffed and mounted on the office door of the Bates Motel. But thanks to the generosity of an anonymous donor, Roadkilla was finally given a delicious … I mean, decent burial.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

DOOR WITCH

By Debbie Randy

MATERIALS:
Worsted weight 4-ply yarn: 2 oz black, sm amt green and orange
Crochet hook size H
Cat eyes (15 mm)
Broom of choice

I don’t want to question Debbie’s artistic vision, but cat eyes for a witch? A black cat may agree to be your companion in magical mischief, but it won’t be your organ donor!

Trust me, I once listed my cat as my emergency contact, and it didn’t work out.

FACE
With green, ch 5.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 7: 2 sc in 1st st, sc across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 8 – 23: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Fasten off.

The good news – this pattern is easy enough for a beginner!

NOSE
With green, ch 8.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 15: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Fasten off at end of Row 15. Sew edge of Nose together (long edge). Sew one end to Row 11 of Face.

The bad news – this pattern will convince beginners that crocheting is the most boring thing to do on this planet. When, in truth, blogging holds that honour.

HAIR
With orange, cut 26 – 28” pieces of yarn. Attach 2 pieces at a time along top of Face. Cut the center 10 sts at Row 16.

Canadians should braid the orange hair, and insist that all trick-or-treating children tug on the braids, shouting, “Carrots!”

For those unfamiliar with Anne of Green Gables, she’s a beloved icon of Canadian children’s literature, who may or may not have been a puppy-killing Nazi.

HAT
CROWN
With black, ch 14.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 8: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 9: Dec over next 2 st, sc in next 9 sts, dec over last 2 sts, ch 1, turn.
ROW 10: Rep Row 2.
ROW 11: Dec over 1st 2 st, sc across, dec over last 2 st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 12: Rep Row 2.
ROW 13: Rep Row 11.
ROW 14 – 16: Rep Row 2.
ROW 17: Rep Row 11.
ROW 18: Rep Row 2.
ROW 19: Rep Row 11.
ROWS 20 – 22: Rep Row 2.
ROW 23: Dec over 1st 2nd st, sl st in next st. Fasten off.

BRIM
With black yarn, join yarn to lower right-hand corner of Hat Crown, on other side of beginning ch-14.
ROW 1: Sc in 1st ch, sc in same ch, sc in each ch across to last ch, 2 sc in last ch, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 8: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across to last st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off at end of Row 8.

You’ll have noticed that the hat is by far the most complicated part of this pattern. But that’s only right, because witches really love their hats.

Witches’ cats, on the other hand, not so much.

BODY
With black, ch 17.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 2: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 3: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn. (18 st)
ROWS 4 &5: Rep Row 2.
ROW 6: Rep Row 3.
ROWS 7 – 24: Rep Rows 4 – 6.
ROWS 25 – 27: Rep Row 2.
ROW 28: Rep Row 3.
ROWS 29 – 40: Rep Rows 25 – 28:
ROWS 41 & 42: Rep Row 2.

Whoa Debbie, why are you suddenly using fancy-smancy ampersands? Were you testing me to see if I was still awake?

To be fair, I was sleep crocheting.

SLEEVES
(Make 2)
With black, ch 13.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 & 3: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 4: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 5 – 14: Rep Rows 3 and 4. (24 sts at end of Row 14)
ROWS 15 – 27: Rep Row 3. Fasten off.

Or possibly zombie crocheting by this point.

No, no, not a crochet zombie, zombie crocheter … oh, never mind.

Sew sleeves to side of Body. Fold Sleeve in half so that point is at bottom. Tack in place.

BOOTS
(Make 2)
With black, fold Body in half; attach yarn, sk middle st, sc across 4 sc, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 5: Sc in each st across.
ROW 6: Starting Toe, 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 7: Sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 8: Starting HEEL, sc in base of ch-1, sc in next 2 st, sl st in next st, sc in next 2 st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 9: Repeat Row 8.
ROWS 10 & 11: 2 sc for Heel. Fasten off.

Yes, these seem like awfully long boots for Roadkilla, but witches love their fancy footwear almost as much as their hats.

Whatever you do, don’t try to liven up this pattern by going for the ruby slipper option. You’ll be sorry.

Sew Head to Body. Attach Broom and Eyes.

Yes, it’s very important to attach the Broom first, and then the Eyes. That’s because witches love their brooms far more than their eyesight.

Which may explain why so many witches end up as flat as Roadkilla.

That, and one too many witches’ brews.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Pick your Poison!

Cookie Basket and Cigarette Basket, Card Table Accessories from Wrought Iron Crochet, 1954

Now that your home is decorated with wall to wall yaks, it’s time to set your supper table with these macabre masterpieces. For no Halloween party would be complete without grandma’s memento mori card table accessories. Back in the 1950s, weekly bridge games were played to the death – or at the very least, to the pain.



Now, other sites will tell you to decorate your table with fake spiders and a cauldron filled with dry ice. C’mon, such humdrum horrors won’t strike fear into the heart of anyone over three-years-old. However, even your most macho party guest will pee their pants at the sight of a crocheted black basket filled with unfiltered cancer sticks! If the Nicotine Nazis have banned unfiltered cigarettes from your corner store, just use a cigar cutter to chop off the filters. Or create a fun Halloween party game by sending French cigarettes to the guillotine – the first person who loses a finger, wins!

But don’t forget the matching crocheted cookie basket for maximum chills. What’s so scary about miniature lawn furniture for sugary treats, you ask? These ain’t your 21st century, namby-pamby cookies made with unsaturated oils, splenda and gluten free flour. Every single one of these 1950s cookies were made with sugar, white flour and artery hardening lard! And love, of course.

So, throw out your rubber bats and fake cobwebs. These cholesterol-laden, cancer-causing party favours will guarantee that your neighbors will crown you the undisputed Hostess of the Damned. Or they’ll run you out of the neighborhood with torches and pitchforks. Either way, you’re party will be legendary!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Soon the world’s reserves of wrought iron will run out! But for just 10 cents (15 cents in Canada), you can crochet all the wrought iron patio furniture you’ll need for the apocalypse.

No. 7—COOKIE BASKET AND CIGARETTE BASKET
LILY DOUBLE QUICK, Art. 50, in Black: 2 skeins.
No. 3 Steel Crochet Hook. Black covered millinery wire or other stiff wire.

If you forgot to hoard Steel Crochet Hooks before the collapse of civilization, don’t despair! You can always smelt iron ore in your microwave.

COOKIE BASKET (Size—5 x 10 x 2½ inches):

1st MOTIF: Ch 8, join with sl st to form ring.
RND 1: Ch 1, 12 sc in ring, join with sl st in 1st sc.
RND 2: * Ch 4, sl st in same sc, sl st in next 2 sc, ch 4, sl st in same sc with last sl st. Mark this 2d p with pin. ** Sl st in next sc; repeat from * twice and from * to **. Cut 6 inches long, draw thru lp on hook, pull tight, thread to a needle and fasten off on back.

2d here stands for 2nd, not for 2 dimensional. But I won’t stop you if you want to try two-dimensional crocheting.

As for p, it’s short for picot, not party guest. The tradition of poking your second party guest with a pin died with two other 1950s fads: hula hoop hunting and sudden death bridge games.

2d MOTIF: Repeat thru Rnd 1.
RND 2: Ch 2, sl st in marked 2d p on 1st Motif, ch 2, sl st back in same sc on 2d Motif, sl st in next 2 sc, ch 2, sl st in next (1st) p on 1st Motif, ch 2sl st back in same sc with last sl st on 2d Motif, sl st in next sc; complete a for first Motif.

Join a 3d Motif to 2 side ps on 2d Motif. Join a 4th Motif to 2 ps each on 3d & 1st Motifs.

Make 45 Motifs and join 5 x 9.

Holy Hannah, you’ll be making 45 of these tiny, wrought iron motifs in crochet thread!

Clearly, Wrought Iron Crochet is not for sissies who smoke filtered cigarettes.

EDGE: Attach to 1st free p on one corner Motif, * ch 2, sc in next p, ch 4, sc in next p, (ch 2, sc in next p, ch 5, sc in 1st p on next Motif) repeated across to next corner Motif; repeat from * around; join. Cut 2 wires to reach around Basket, plus 1 inch for lap.
RND 2: Ch 1 and working over 2 wires, make sc in same place, work sc around: * 2 sc in each ch-2 sp, 5 sc in each ch-4 and ch-5 sp, * sc in each sc; before completing rnd, lap ends of wire and wrap with gummed tape. Finish rnd and join.

You may be asking yourself, what is this gummed tape and why wasn’t it included in the materials list?

I totally didn’t have to look up it up on Wikipedia to find out that gummed tape is made of paper and a starch or gelatin-based adhesive. And I didn’t have to use Google to further discover that gummed paper tape will instantly let you know if anyone has tampered with your wrought iron crochet. Mostly because a single drop of water or a resentful gaze will cause the tape to completely fall apart. But hey, it’s 100% recyclable!

And gummed tape wasn’t on the materials list because any self-respecting 1950s housewife had a stockpile in her bomb shelter. Hopefully in water-tight containers or her wrought iron crochet would not be safe from Communists.

RND 3: Ch 1, sc at base of same sc, working over last rnd, repeat Rnd 2 from * to *; sc at base of each sc; join and fasten off.

LEG: Cut 3 wires 7 inches long, hold tog. and wrap both ends with gummed tape. Cover wire with crochet rope.

CROCHETED ROPE: Ch 2, 7 sc in 2d ch from hook. Cup 7 sc with right side inside and working in back lp only, sc in 1st sc, sc in each sc around and around for ½ inch, push one end of wires into it and continue working around outside of wire until it is covered, always having 7 sc in a rnd at all times. Close with sl sts. Fasten off. Bend into a half circle. Make two.

But why just make two CROCHETED ROPES? Just think of all the fun uses you could have for Crocheted Rope around the house. For example, you could play classic 1950s games like Capture the Communist Who Tampered with Your Gummed Tape and Give Him Crocheted Rope Burns Until He Confesses.

Good times.

CIGARETTE BASKET (Size—4¼ x 6 x 2 inches): Make and join 20 Motifs 4 x 5. Repeat Edge.

LEGS: Cut 2 wires 5½ inches long. Repeat as for Cookie Basket Legs but with only 6 sc in a rnd.

Starch Baskets and Legs (See Instructions on Page 15).

Of course, you have to Starch both the Baskets and the Legs. Otherwise, you’ve just made an unfiltered cigarette doily. With legs.

In other words, a long-awaited girlfriend for last year’s Halloween Craft.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR STARCHING
For Doilies, dissolve 2 heaping tablespoons (3 for other pieces), of Argo Gloss Starch in ½ cup cold water, add to 1 quart warm water, heat and boil briskly for several minutes, stirring constantly.

Don’t you dare use any of that fancy, pre-mixed, liquid starch for this pattern! You won’t be prepared for the apocalypse unless you know how to party like it’s 1892.

Add 1 cup cold water and cool until comfortable to handle. Add enough liquid Bluing to make starch a deep blue.

When civilization collapses and modern detergents are no longer available, you’re going to have use grandma’s liquid Bluing to keep your whites their whitest.

Otherwise, the other survivors of the zombie outbreak, nuclear war or worldwide flooding will mock you for your yellowing shirts.

Dip crochet in starch, squeezing the starch thru it thoroughly.

Don’t stop until your hands turn blue!

Remove, squeeze out excess starch, roll in paper towels and leave for an hour or two. Then rub off any excess starch with paper towel, stretch on waxed paper and block as given in individual instructions.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled wrought ironing, already in progress.

Pin Baskets right-side-up in true shape. Press flat thru a cloth. When dry, bend ends of Baskets in a quarter circle, pass a Leg thru open sp between 1st 2 Motifs on each side at one end of Basket (next to Edge) and sew securely. Repeat at other end. Measure ends of legs exactly so Baskets stand true and even.

Now, all you need to do is stockpile cookies and cigarettes for your Halloween party. No one will be able to resist your larded-up cookies lounging in their wrought iron chair. If anyone tries, just crumble the cookies into their vodka and tell them it’s a 1950s Crunchy Martini.

As for any unsmoked, unfiltered ciggies, don’t worry about leftovers. They make excellent Christmas gifts – just ask Ronald Reagan!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Yakety Yak – Don’t Talk Back!

Wild Yak Yak pattern from “Gifts”, Star Gift Book No. 150, c. 1950

There’s only 11 more shopping days before Halloween, and you haven’t finished your decorating yet! You don’t want a repeat of last year when you left all your decorating until Halloween Eve, do you? Your neighbours are still talking about how you overdosed on coffee and ecstasy, and carved pumpkins non-stop for 24 hours.

What’s that? You’re bored with your old, hum-drum collection of deformed pumpkins, slack-jawed skeletons and bow-legged witches?

Then why not shake things up this year with a severed yak head? All you have to do is book a trip to the Himalayas, shoot an arrow through a ferocious yak’s head, decapitate and mount it on your front door. Or you can really get in touch with your inner wild game hunter by sticking your arm right into the yak’s head. Just imagine the look on the faces of the small children when they ring your doorbell on Halloween night and a zombie yak hand puppet pops out at them.

Don’t forget – waste not, want not. Use every part of your yak, not just the head. Yak hair makes the finest Santa Claus beards (only 67 shopping days until Christmas!), while yak meat is high in Omega-2 fatty acids making it a healthy alternative to handing out candy this year.

If you don’t have time for a trek to the Himalayas and you’re banned from the local zoo after you kidnapped their Kookaburra, you could always hunt a “wild yak yak” with your crochet hook. It’s cheaper than a big game hunt, and a stuffed, yarn yak head is less likely to get you arrested at airport customs.

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

What child wouldn’t be thrilled to stick his or her hand down this yak’s neck? This puppet’s made of heavy rug yarn so it’s extra comfy!

For authenticity’s sake, crochet your yaks out of scratchy, vintage acrylic yarn. Or Red Heart Supersaver.

PUPPET
Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY
“AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN,
Article 235
3 skeins Yellow
1 skein each Black, Rust and Red
Aluminum crochet hook size H
Cotton for filling. 15 inch length of medium wire

The wire is for the arrow you’ll be jamming through the yak’s head, so make sure it’s sturdy. You wouldn’t want your child’s death-dealing weaponry to be droopy.

BODY: With Yellow chain (ch) 30, join to form a ring, ch 1, 1 single crochet (sc) in each st of ch (30 sc), do not join this or following rounds. Place a marker at beginning of round. 2nd ROUND: Double crochet (dc) in each st (30 dc). Repeat 2nd Round 11 more times. 14th ROUND: 1 sc in each dc, join. 15th ROUND: Ch 1, 1 sc in each sc, join. 16th ROUND: Ch 1, 2 sc in each sc (60 sc), join. 17th ROUND: 1 dc in each sc (60 dc), join. 18th ROUND: 1 dc in each of the 1st 3 dc, * skip 1 dc, 1 sc in each of the next 3 dc, repeat from * 13 times ending last repeat with 1 dc in each of the next 4 dc (46 dc), do not join, place a marker at beginning of round. 19th ROUND: 1 dc in each of the 1st 3 dc, * skip 1 dc, 1 dc in each of the next 3 dc, repeat from * 10 times ending last repeat with 1 dc in each of the next 2 dc (35 dc). 20th, 21st and 22nd ROUNDS: 1 dc in each sc. 23rd ROUND: 1 sc in each of the 1st 5 dc, * skip next st, 1 sc in each of the next 5 dc, repeat from * 4 times. 24th ROUND: 1 sc in each of the next 5 sc, * skop next sc, 1 sc in each of the next 5 sc, repeat from * 3 times, 1 sc in next sc (26 sc), join. 25th ROW: Ch 1, 1 sc in same space, 1 sc in each of the next 14 sc, ch 1, turn. 26th ROW: Decrease 1 st (to decrease: * insert needle in next st, pull loop through, repeat from * once, yarn over and work all loops at one time), 1 sc in each of the next 11 sc, decrease in next 2 sts, ch 1, turn. 27th ROW: 1 sc in each sc (13 sc), ch 1, turn. 28th ROW: Decrease 1 st in next 2 sts, 1 sc in each of the next 9 sc, decrease 1 st in next 2 sts, ch 1, turn. 29th ROW: 1 sc in each sc, ch 1, turn (11 sc). 30th ROW: 1 sc in each sc, decreasing 1 st at beginning and end of row. 31st ROW: Repeat 29th row (9 sc). Repeat last 2 rows once, cut yarn.

Hunters are always keenly aware of their environment, so I’m sure you don’t require any line breaks in your pattern. Plus, you also immediately noticed the sudden change from ROUNDs to ROWs.

If you didn’t notice, and kept going around in circles, your yak will be malformed and it won’t survive the winter. That’s the brutal, unforgiving law of nature.

UNDER SECTION OF MOUTH: Attach Yellow in first free st of 24th round, ch 1, 1 sc in same space, 1 sc in each of the next 10 sc, ch 1, turn. 2nd ROW: 1 sc in each sc decreasing 1 st at beginning and end of row, ch 1, turn. Work 1 row even. 4th ROW: Repeat 2nd row. Repeat last 2 rows once. Work 2 rows even, cut yarn.

UPPER INSIDE SECTION OF MOUTH: With Red ch 14, 1 sc in 2nd st from hook, 1 sc in each st of ch, ch 1, turn. 2nd ROW: 1 sc in each sc decreasing 1 st at beginning and end of row, ch 1, turn. Work 1 row even (11 sc). Repeat last 2 rows twice. Work 1 row even, cut yarn.

LOWER INSIDE SECTION OF MOUTH: With Red ch 10 and work same as upper section of mouth. Sew the 2 sections together leaving 1 st free at each end of upper section of mouth. Place inside of mouth and with Yellow crochet the two sections together.

That’s right, the yak’s mouth must be BLOOD RED. In fact, if you have any red yarn left over, you should add a few extra drips of blood to your yak’s nose and eyes. Children love this kind of bloody attention to detail!

EYES: With Yellow ch 5, join to form a ring, ch 1 and work 7 sc in ring, join, cut yarn. Attach Black in any sc, 1 sc in each sc increasing 4 sc evenly spaced, join, cut yarn leaving a length for sewing.

Yellow eyes indicate that this yak suffers from severe jaundice. Clearly, he wasn’t long for the world, so there’s no need to feel guilty about ramming a wire arrow through his head.

EARS: With Yellow ch 5, join to form a ring, ch 1 and work 7 sc in ring, join. 2nd ROUND: 1 sc in each sc increasing 7 sc evenly spaced, join, cut yarn leaving a length for sewing.

NOSE: With Black ch 3, join to form a ring, ch 1, 6 sc in ring, join each round. 2nd ROUND: Ch 1, 1 sc in each sc increasing 4 sc evenly spaced. 3rd ROUND: 1 sc in each sc. 4th ROUND: Working in sc, decreasing 4 sc evenly spaced, join, cut yarn leaving a length for sewing. Fill with cotton. Sew Eyes, Nose and Ears in position as illustrated.

MANE: * Wind Rust over a 4 inch cardboard 25 times, tie through center at both ends with a 6 inch length of yarn, slip off cardboard and tie in position to center of 1st row of Head Section, skip 5 rows, tie other end of mane to next row above, repeat from * 7 times arranging around Head as illustrated.

WHISKERS: With Rust cut 6 strands of yarn 5 inches in length. Using 1 strand, double in half and knot through one st in 1st row on edge of Mouth, * skip 2 rows and knot another strand in same manner, repeat from * once. Knot 3 more strands in same manner on opposite side of Mouth.

The addition of whiskers and a mane, both crocheted in shades of yellow and rust, means your final product will be indistinguishable from an actual yak’s head.

See? The resemblance is uncanny!

YAK YAK
Omit 1st 8 rounds of Puppet. Complete to correspond. Stuff head with cotton and sew or staple in position to plaque.

ARROW: Cover a 15 inch length of medium wire with Yellow. Secure ends with glue. Bind one end for 1 inch with Rust. Cut 40-3 inch strands of Rust and past in place to other end of arrow.

Yes, the success of this project is all in the details, right down to the arrow tipped with dried blood.

So what are you waiting for? Start now, and you can make a dozen yak-yaks before Halloween! Mount them on your front door or stick them on spikes in your front yard! Your neighbours will love you.

Except possibly the ones with the PETA bumper sticker on their hybrid. They won’t appreciate your sense of whimsy, but there’s no reason why you can’t enjoy theirs!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Phentex Has Broken Your Heart

Houndstooth Tunic from Phentex, 1967

First, Phentex went after your son and husband. Then your little girl was next on the chopping block. Still, you thought you were safe. Foolishly, you thought that Phentex wouldn’t bite the hand that knit it.

That’s what Jeanie thought too. Lured in by Phentex’s promises not to stretch or shrink, she slapped down her twenty cents thinking that was the only price she’d have to pay.

Okay, obviously Jeanie knew she’d have to buy the yarn too. I’m trying to create a dramatic mood here. Sheesh.

But little did Jeanie know that her decision to knit up a 100% Polypropylene Pumpkin Tunic would haunt her for many Halloweens to come. For her sister-in-law took one look at Jeanie’s attempt at Phentex panache and dubbed her Pumpkin Hips.

Jeanie tossed the tunic in the dryer, but it refused to shrink. She borrowed the Spanish Inquisition’s rack (I bet you weren’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition!), but the tunic refused to stretch. It was then that Jeanie realized with horror that Phentex’s promise to keep “the shape you knit in” was actually a threat. And that 20¢ had bought her a lifetime of regret.

Oh sweetie, please don’t cry. I was exaggerating the tragedy that is your life for comedic effect! Yes, it’s true that moths hate the taste of Phentex (and who can blame them), the colours of your pumpkiny Phentex will never fade, and long wearing does mean you’re your Phentex tunic will last a couple of centuries, but... please stop wailing, I’m trying to cheer you up!

Oh, for goodness sake, suck it up, Pumpkin Hips!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Look closely at this photo, keeping in mind that professional take multiple shots to guarantee at least one high quality photo for their client. That’s right, this photo of Jeanie about to burst into tears was the best of the lot. I can only assume that all the other photos showed her prostrate on the floor, weeping uncontrollably.

Houndstooth Tunic Style No. 6722

Houndstooth is a two-tone check pattern developed by the Scots as a weapon of war. No, really. Do you think it’s an accident that staring at houndstooth clothing will make your eyesight go wonky?

SIZES: Directions are for size 14. Changes for sizes 16 & 18 are in parentheses.

Apparently, women under size 14 won’t wear a Phentex Houndstooth Tunic. Which begs the question, why would women size 14 and over wear one?

C’mon, you Big, Beautiful Women! You deserve so much better than this pattern.

GAUGE: 7 sts. to 2 ins. and 4 rows to one inch measured over the pattern on No. 13 needles, or any size that will give the correct gauge.

MEASUREMENTS: Tunic will fit a bust size of 34 (36-38) ins.; width all round lower edge, 43 (45½-47½) ins.; length from shoulder at armhole edge, 28 (28¾-29½) ins.

In other words, this tunic will make you look like a Phentex pear. I know women size 14 and above often have self esteem issues, but honestly a hair shirt would be more stylish, and far less itchy.

MATERIALS: Phentex Yarn, 3 ply, 2 (3-3) 4-oz. skeins of Orange (MC), and 2 (2-2) 4-oz. skeins of White (CC); one pair of No. 10½, No. 11 & No. 13; 7 inch MC neck zipper; 2 st-holders.

PATTERN STITCH: Multiple of 4 plus 2.

1st row: With CC * k.3, with right hand needle as if to p. lift the 2nd st. on left hand needle over onto right hand needle, the first st., will be passed thro’ the 2nd st. as it is lifted over – this will be reffered to as “cross one”. Rep. from * to last 2 sts., k.2.

Whereas this overabundance of periods and commas will be reffered to as “poor editing”.

2nd row: With CC, p.

3rd row: With MC, * cross one, k.3. Rep. from * to last st., k.1.

4th row: With MC, p. Rep. these 4 rows for pattern.

B A C K:

First, you abuse a couple of periods and commas. Next, you’ll be unable to resist the temptation of throwing in some extra spaces.

Begin at the lower edge. Using No. 10½ needles and MC cast on 74 (78-82) sts. P. one row, k. one row, p. one row, k. one row, p. one row, k. one row.

Then you’ll lose your ability to write simple instructions like: P one row, k one row 3 times.

And no, sloppy editing is not a victimless crime! You’ll break your English Teacher’s heart!

Again.

Change to No. 13 needles and p. the following row. Join on CC, and continue in pattern-st., dec. one st. both sides of work every 2 ins. until 62 (66-70) sts. remain. Place a marker at side edge.

Change to No. 11 needles and work a further 4 ins. from marker. Change back to No. 13 needles and continue until work measures 20 (20½-21) ins. from beginning, finishing after a wrong side row.

These measurements didn’t sound quite right for a size 14 or 18, and it turns out that’s because a 1960s size 14 isn’t the same as a size 14 in 2010. For decades, clothing manufacturers have been lowering the numbers and monkeying with the measurements to appeal to our vanity. And they’re not just lying to the ladies anymore!

To shape the armholes, bind off 3 (4-4) sts. at the beginning of the next 2 rows, then dec. one st. at both ends of every other row until 50 (54-56) sts. remain, finishing after a wrong side row.

Now divide for the zipper opening. Next row: Pattern across 25 (27-28) sts., join on another skein of yarn and continue over the remaining 25 (27-28) sts. Working both sides at the same time, continue until the armholes measures 8 (8¼-8½) ins. on the straight, finishing at side, armhole edge.

To shape shoulders, bind off 6 (7-7) sts. at beginning of next 2 rows, then 7 (7-8) sts. at the beginning, armhole edge, of the following alternate row. Place the remaining 12 (13-13) sts. of each side onto st-holders.

These measurements are accurate, but this diagram is still a lie. Air brushing was used to erase all of the bumpy, lumpiness caused by the houndstooth pattern stitch.

F R O N T:
Begin at the lower edge. Using No. 13 needles and MC yarn, cast on 78 (82-86) sts. and work exactly as for the back, except that you will have 4 more sts. on the needles, until the work measures 20 (20½-21) ins. from the beginning, finishing after a wrong side row.

To shape the armholes, bind off 4 (5-5) sts. at the beginning of the next 2 rows, then dec. one st. both each end of every other row until 50 (52-54) sts. remain.

Both each end? I think it’s time someone went back to school!

Never mind.

Continue on these sts. until the armholes measure 5½ (5¾-5¾) ins. on the straight, finishing after a wrong side row.

To shape the neck – Next row: Pattern across 16 (17-18) sts., place the centre 18 sts. on a st-holder, join on another skein of yarn and work the remaining 16 (17-18) sts. Working both sides at the same time, dec. one st. at neck edge on every other row 3 times, 13 (14-15) sts. Continue on these sts. until armholes measure 8½ (8¼-8½) ins. on the straight, finishing at side, armhole, edge.

To shape shoulders, bind off 6 (7-7) sts. at beginning of next row, work one more row and bind off remaining 7 (7-8) sts.

Warning: This diagram omits the impact of erosion caused by years of crying whenever you wear this tunic.

FINISHING:

Not F I N I S H I N G?

Pin pieces out to measurements and cover with a damp cloth. Holding a steam iron about 2 ins. above pieces, pass lightly over allowing only the steam to pass thro’ the damp cloth. Leave pinned out to dry. Join shoulder seams.

And absolutely no extreme ironing!

Neck Trim: With the wrong side of work facing you and using No. 10½ needles and MC, k. across 12 (13-13) sts. of one side of back neck; pick up and k. 9 sts. from side of neck; then k. across the 18 sts. left for front neck; then pick up 9 sts. along other side of neck; then the remaining 12 (13-13) sts. of the other side of back neck. 60 (62-62) sts. on needle.

** K. one row, p. one row, k. one row, p. one row, k. one row. Bind off purlwise.

Armhole Trim: With the wrong side of work facing you and using No. 10½ needles and MC, pick up and k. 60 (63-66) along each armhole edge. Work as neck trim from ** to **.

Except there is no 2nd **. So obviously you should keep doing the armhole trim until you have sleeves.

Pocket Trim: Using No. 10½ needles and MC, cast on 21 (21-22) sts. and work in stockinnette-st. for 1½ ins. Bind off. Make another piece the same.

I’m sure stockinnette isn’t a typo. It must have been some cool 1960s L.S.D. inspired stitch.

Turn on, tune in, drop stitches!

Join the side seams, roll trim at neck, armholes and lower edge forward and slip st. in place. Roll pocket trim in the same way, and sew in position as illustrated in the photograph.

Boring ol’ natural fibers will roll naturally if you knit them with a stockinette stitch. Whereas, you’ll have to forcibly roll and sew down your Phentex Phake Pockets. Otherwise, your Phentex may become sentient and mess up your home.

“COPYRIGHT © 1967 by PHENIX TEXTILES LTD.”

The quotation marks here clearly indicate that there never was a real copyright. The spelling of Phenix is to ensure they didn’t incur the wrath of Phoenix by violating her copyright.

Funny how Phoenix shares the same first name as Jeanie Pumpkin Hips, has the same hair colour, and is wearing an orangey fabric that even the fires of hell can’t destroy.

Uh oh.

Well, at least she stopped crying!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Do You Want Some Candy, Little Boy?

Dirndle Plaid Suspender Skirt from “Pauline Denham”, c. 1965

My husband caught a glimpse of this cover from across the room, and chuckled in a filthy way only he can manage. “Baby, I’d sample some of her candy...” Then he took a closer look and said, “Actually, no. I take that back. I’m not messing with her.”

“Why’s that?” I asked.

“Look at her scary eyes. If you crossed her, she’d boil your bunny!”

Yes, this Pauline Denham design is not so much “Naughty Schoolgirl” as it is “Psychotic Mistress”. Instead of making your boyfriend’s heart go pitter-pat with desire, it’llgive him arrhythmia. So if you have a burning desire to terrorize the males in your life this Halloween, this is the costume for you!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

DIRNDLE PLAID – SUSPENDER SKIRT

The dirndle skirt was a staple of the fifties and sixties wardrobe because it’s dead simple to make. It’s just a tube of fabric gathered at the waist.

On the down side, this skirt will also make your hips, belly and butt look enormous. Not to mention make your legs resemble tree stumps. But if you slap a big ol’ bow on it, I’m sure no one will notice!

Hairspray not included.

Model No. 2801

Sizes: 12-14-16 (14-16 in parentheses).

Materials: Pauline Denham Nomotta Sport Supra. Contrasting color (C.C.) “A” (yellow) 4 (4-5) 1 oz sks; CC “B” (red) background color 6 (7-8) sks; CC “C” (black) 4 (4-5) sks. No. 5 circular needles (or whatever size necessary to maintain stitch gauge); 7’’ zipper; 3 yards 2’’ grosgrain ribbon.

I’m not sure what the purpose of all this C.C./CC business is, since we’ll be calling these colours A, B, and C throughout the pattern anyway. I suppose we do need reminding that the colours must CONTRAST. None of this blue, purple and bluish-purple business. If your colours don’t CONTRAST your skirt will be ruined, and no one will invite you to their parties.

And trust me, you want to be invited to these parties!

This woman’s dirndle skirts are in contrasting shades of bilious yellow, blood red and under-the-cover-of-night black. These men are putty in her hands, and their bunnies are hasenpfeffer.

Gauge: 6 sts = 1’’.

Pattern Stitch: Broken Plaid, Multiple of 8 + 7. Colors A, B and C. Color B is the background color. Row 1: (Right side). With A, knit. Row 2: With A, k 3, insert needle (as if to knit) into next st and wrap yarn 3 times around point of needle, then knit the st (k 1 – 3 wraps); * k 7, k 1 – 3 wraps; repeat from *, end k 3. Row 3: With B, k 3, * sl, 1 with yarn in back, k 3; repeat from * (throughout pattern the extra wraps are dropped from the elongated stitches when these stitches are slipped. Row 4: With B, p 3, * sl 1 with yarn in front, p 3, repeat from *. Row 5: With C k 3 * sl 1 with yarn in back, k 7, repeat from *, end sl 1, k 3. Row 6: With C, k 3, * sl 1 with yarn in front, k 7, repeat from * , end sl 1, k 3. Rows 7 and 8: With B repeat rows 3 and 4. Row 9: With C, knit. Row 10: With C, k 7, * k 1 – 3 wraps, k 7; repeat from *. Rows 11 and 12: With B, repeat rows 3 and 4. Row 13: With A, k 7, * sl 1 with yarn in back, k 7, repeat from *. Row 14: With A, k 7, * sl 1 with yarn in front, k 7, repeat from *. Rows 15 and 16: With B, repeat rows 3 and 4. Repeat rows 1-16.

Skirt: 1 pc (seamed in back). With No. 5 needles, cast on 303 (311-319) sts. Work even in pattern st for 23’’ (or desired length) allowing 1’’ for stretch. Bind off by knitting 3 sts tog across row.

Considering the sheer tedium of working 303-319 stitches across in sport weight yarn, not to mention all the ends you’re going to weave in, your “desired length” may be closer to 8 inches than 23 inches. That’s okay, it’ll be all the easier to play naughty school girl!

Belt and Suspender: Cast on 13 sts. Work in pattern to fit waistline for belt and over shoulders for suspenders.

Finishing: Block pcs to measurements. Sl st back seam, leaving 7’’ opening for zipper. Work 1 row sc around opening. Sew in zipper. Face belt with 2’’ grosgrain ribbon. Sew on edge of belt over top of skirt, holding to fit and extending 1’’ of belt for underlap. Face suspenders with grosgrain ribbon, attach suspenders to the front of waistband as desired; cross in back and adjust for length and spacing. Sew on hook & eye for belt closing.

And now you’re all ready to go out and menace your men this Halloween!

Now, if you don’t have the time or patience to knit up a dirndle skirt, you could always just bake up a mess of this, instead.

“Why no, honey! That’s not a threat, that’s just dinner. Now, pass me your plate and I’ll chop off a hotdog for you.”

Click here for the printable pattern.