Pat the *!$@% Poodle!

Pat the Poodle from Crocheting with Lily Cotton Rug Yarn, c. 1965

This is not Stylopath’s gorgeous “Pat the Poodle”. No, this is the other Pat the Poodle. The one that’s skinny, stiff and fulfills no function other than gathering dust and traumatizing small children.

“Pat the Poodle,” shouts Scary Aunt Agnes at her ten year old niece Suzie. “That’s her name because you have to Pat the Poodle! Get it? Pat Pat. Hah!"

“Um, I’d rather not...” Suzie says.

Aunt Agnes takes long, slow swig from a poodle covered bottle. “I said, hic, PAT the Poodle! Now!”

Suzie tentatively reaches out and gives the Poodle a light pat.

“Sheesh kid,” Agnes says, “I said pat the poodle. I didn’t say pound on her like a bongo drum. What kind of monster are you?”

Poor Suzie required years of therapy to recover from this visit. Happily, she is now a healthy, well-adjusted veterinarian living 800 miles from her aunt.

Alas, as you can tell from the photo above, Pat the Poodle never overcame her traumatic years with Aunt Agnes. Donations can be made to the Pat the Poodle Foundation through Handmade by Mother. Please send non-sequential twenty dollar bills. Sorry, no tax receipts.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Pat the Poodle

LILY RUG YARN, Art. 241: 3 skeins White, Lt. Gray, Lavender, Black or other desired color; and

LILY SIX STRAND FLOSS, Art. 21: 2 skeins Black.

Presumably Pink is the “other desired color”. Or maybe the in house crocheter went rogue and picked her favourite colour and the devil take the consequences.

Shame she felt compelled to slavishly follow the rest of the instructions though.

No. G or 6 Aluminum Crochet Hook and No. 7 Steel Crochet Hook.

30’’ White ribbon ½’’ wide.
2 eyes (or black beads).
28’’ wood dowel ¼’’ size.

Work tightly for best results.

BODY: Starting at tail with Rug Yarn and G or 6 hook, ch 2.
1st rnd.: 6 sc in 2d ch from hook. Do not join rnds but mark end of rnds. Work in back lps.

Yes, that’s the “2d chain from hook”. As opposed to the 3d chain, which requires special glasses.

I’ll bet you think I’m mocking a typo. Nope, 2d is exactly how 2nd is written throughout this pattern. Clearly, the pattern editor had issues with the letter ‘n’.

2nd rnd.: (2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
3rd rnd.: (2 sc in next sc for an inc, sc in next 2 sc) 4 times (16 sc).
Work even, without incs. Thru 8th rnd.
9th thru 13th rnds.: Inc once at beg. of each of these 5 rnds.
14th thru 16th rnds.: Make these 3 rnds even.
17th rnd.: (Draw up a lp in next 2 sc, Y O and draw thru 3 lps on hook for a dec, sc in next sc) repeated until 10 sc are left. Cut a piece of dowel the length of body. Insert in body, stuff with an old nylon hose and close end with sl sts. Fasten off.

Ah, the giddy Cold War years when nylon hose was so common place, women worked hard and played hard in their hosiery. That’s why the pattern editor didn’t bother mentioning stuffed-toy-friendly stockings in the materials list. She knew that oodles of no longer tight tights were flung with wild abandon all over the 1960s household.

LEG: Ch 2. 4 sc in 2d ch from hook. Working as for Body, (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 3 sc) 6 times (10 sc in final rnd). *Mark last sc. Now work even thru 14th rnd. Sl st in next sc and cut with long sewing end. Stuff with a piece of dowel and nylon hose. Make 4 and sew 2 under each end of Body.

NECK: Ch 2, 6 sc in 2d ch from hook.
2nd rnd.: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next sc) 4 times (10 sc).
Work even thru 15th rnd, stuff with dowel and hose, and close end with sl sts. Sew starting end to top of front end of Body.

You see?

This ad also explains why your mom gets confused when her grandchildren are described as emo.

HEAD: Repeat Leg to *. (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 3 sc) twice, sl st in next 3 sc. Cut with sewing end. Stuff with hose and sew to front of neck at top.

FOOT: With Black and No. 7 hook, ch 2.
1st rnd.: 6 sc in 2d ch from hook. Do not join rnds. Mark end of rnds.
2nd rnd.: Working in back lps, (2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
3rd rnd.: (Sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc) 6 times.
4th rnd.: (Sc in 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc) 3 times (21 sc).
Work even for 3 rnds. Sl st in next sc and cut with sewing end. Make 4. Slip one on bottom of each leg and sew in place.

NOSE: Repeat Foot thru 4th rnd. Work 1 rnd even. Sl st in next sc, cut and sew on nose.

Now all that’s left of the pattern is the trim, which will be described in long excruciating detail.

What? You thought you were finished because you’d completed all the necessary parts of a poodle? Hah!

LEG TRIM: With Rug Yarn and No. 6 hook, ch 11.
1st row: Sk 1 ch, sc in next ch, * draw out lp on hook ¾’’ long, Y O and draw thru lp, sc in single back strand of long lp (Knot St made), make a 2d Knot St (to complete a K st loop), sc in next st of chain. Repeat from * across (9 lps).
2nd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, hold next lp down tightly in front, sc in next sc between lps) repeated across to end sc.

No, you’re not seeing things. There’s a close bracket sitting there after “lps” with no open bracket before it. I’m guessing that it’s not a good idea to repeat the “ch 1, turn” instructions all the way across to the “end sc”.

Although, looking at the final product, I’m thinking good ideas have very little to do with Poor Pat the Poodle. So, go ahead and repeat “ch 1, turn” to your heart’s content.

3rd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 9 times.
4th row: Repeat 2nd row. Cut with sewing end. Place around leg above foot, sew ends tog. and sew to leg. Repeat on all legs.

BODY TRIM: Ch 22, sk 1 ch, sc in next ch, (make two 1’’ long Knot Sts for a K St lp, sc in next ch) 20 times. 2nd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, holding lps down in front, sc in next 20 sc between lps.

But keep your measuring tape handy. First, all your loops needed to be precisely ¾’’ long and now exactly 1” long. Sure, that sounds like a nit-picky, anal-retentive waste of time (and yes all of those hyphens are necessary), but attention these details is what makes Pat the Poodle look like a real poo... er... um, poodlish thing that haunts children’s nightmares.

Go ahead, throw caution to the wind and make all the loops at least 10” long! Sure, Pat will look more like a pink dust mop, but at least it won’t terrorize your kiddies, right?

3rd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (make a K St lp as for 1st row, sc in next sc) 20 times.
4th row: Repeat 2nd row.
5th row: Ch 1, turn, sk 1st sc, sc in next sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 7 times.
6th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (sc in next sc between lps) 7 times.
7th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 7 times. Repeat 6th and 7th rows thru 9 lp rows (from beginning). Repeat 6th row again. Place 2 long lp rows around body behind neck, sew ends tog. under body. Bring short rows around front and sew last row to long row. Then sew edges firmly to body, neck and top of legs.

Of course, crocheting a shaved poodle is an option as well.

Oh my. Who’s an adorable Humane Society waif? You are! Yes, you are!

Oh puppy, please stop staring at me. You found a good home, and I already have a half poodle, and my husband has forbidden me to pick up any more strays....

“Um, sweetie, can we pop by the Humane Society tonight?”

“No reason, I just want to ... drop off a donation... Yes, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

TAIL TUFT: Ch 2, sc in 2d ch from hook, (make two 2’’ Knot Sts, sc in same starting st) 3 times. Cut with sewing end.

TRIM: Ch 2, sc in 2d ch from hook, (make two 1’’ Knot Sts, sc in same st) 5 times. Do not join.
2nd row: Ch 1, turn, 2 sc in 1st sc, holding lps down in front, (2 sc in next sc) 5 times.
3rd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 11 times.
4th row: Ch 1, turn, 2 sc in 1st sc, (2 sc in next sc between lps) 11 times.
5th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 23 times.
6th row: Ch 1, turn, sl st in 1st sc (sl st in next sc) 23 times. Cut with sewing end. Sew ends of rows tog, sew Tail Tuft in center of Trim and sew on back of body.

I can’t help but notice that we have “Leg Trim”, “Body Trim” and coming up next, “Head Trim”. But this particular bit o’ “Trim” didn’t get a name. Clearly, calling it “Rump Trim,” “Tuckus Trim” or “Booty Trim” would be gauche.

So, this must be the “Unmentionable Trim”.

HEAD TRIM: Ch 13, sk 1 ch, sc in next ch, (make two ¾’’ Knot Sts, sc in next ch) 11 times.
2nd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, holding lps down in front, (sc in next sc) 11 times.
3rd row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 11 times.
4th row: Repeat 2nd row.
5th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, (K St lp, sc in next sc) twice, (K St lp, draw up a lp in next 2 sc, Y O and draw thru all 3 lps for a dec) 3 times, (K St lp, sc in next sc) 3 times.
6th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, sc in next 8 sc.
7th row: Ch 1, turn, sc in 1st sc, K St lp, sc in next sc, (K St lp, dec in next 2 sc) 3 times, K St lp, sc in next (end) sc.
8th row: Ch 1, turn, sl st in 1st sc, (sl st in next sc) 5 times. Cut, fold this last row in center and sew 2 halves tog. Place starting row around head and sew tog underneath. Sew all edges down closely. Sew eyes in place. Tie a ribbon bow around neck and around base of tail tuft.

And... we’re finally done! Feel free to make several of these quasi-Poodles, in assorted colours. Give them to every child you know for their birthdays, and of course, on Poodle Day. Trust me, the kiddies will be thrilled.

After all, they have to pat the Poodle on Poodle Day, don’t they?

“Do you hear me, you little ingrates? I spent far too many hours making this thing, so you’re going to Pat the $%@** Poodle! Now!”

Click here for the printable pattern.