Fun is in the eye of the beholder.

Poodle Set from McCall’s Needlework Fall-Winter, 1952-53

To properly celebrate PoodleFest, it’s not enough to cover your toilet rolls and hair spray with poodles. You need to turn your children into poodles, too.

As McCall’s helpfully points out, “What makes it fun is – her crocheted hat has poodle ears, her scarf, poodle legs, and a poodle muff cuddles her pinkies.”

Yes, wearing the dismembered body parts of your favorite pet is what makes it fun!

But wait, someone in the photo is clearly not having fun.

In fact, her poodle pal looks downright depressed.

If he doesn’t turn that frown upside down pronto, he’s going to find himself turned into a cap, scarf and muff set. Just like the last poodle who failed to live up to his billing as “funniest thing”.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

FRENCH POODLE

Size: 9’’ x 12’’.
Materials: Columbia Knitting Worsted, 6 1 oz balls brown. Small amount of black for mouth; strand of white for teeth. Cotton for stuffing. 1 pair of glass eyes No. 14 (or 2 buttons). “Boye” steel crochet hook No. 1.
Gauge: 6 s c = 1’’; 6 rows of s c = 1’’.

Take note – you have the option of using buttons instead of glass eyes. Don’t get all giddy with your newfound sense of freedom, though. This poodle only comes in one colour – brown.

If you make it black or white, your poodle will no longer be the “funniest thing”. Instead, the poodle will be a symbol of your profound failure as a Mother.

Pink is right out.

Body: Starting at back, ch 6, join in ring with sl st.
Row 1: 8 s c in ring.
Row 2: 2 s c in each st (16 sts).
Row 3: * 2 s c in first st, 1 s c in next st, repeat from * around (24 sts).
Row 4: Same as row 3 (36 sts).
Row 5: 2 s c in every 9th st (40 sts). Work even for 30 rows. Break off yarn. Turn inside out.

Tail: Ch 6, join in ring with sl st.
Row 1: Work 8 1’’ lps in ring as follows: * With strand over first finger of left hand (1’’ from work), insert hook in ring, draw strand through ring from under the finger, then yarn over hook and through the 2 loops on hook (finishing 1 s c), repeat from * 7 times more (draw lps up to make sure they are 1’’ long and even). Continue to work around.
Row 2: 2 lps in each st (16 lps). Work 1 lp in each st around for 2 rows, then work 1 s c in each st for 9 rows.
Row 14: Work 7 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 15: Skip 1 st, work 6 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 16: Skip 1 st, 5 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 17: Skip 1 st, 4 s c, break off yarn.

Stuff Tail and Body: Sew tail to body, having last row of tail at center back of body.

Just make sure to orient your poodle’s tail up, like in the McCall’s photo. You want a happy poodle, not a clinically depressed poodle who might suddenly turn around and chew on a former head of state.

Head: Starting at top, ch 8, join in ring with sl st.
Row 1: Work 10 lps in ring (as in tail).
Row 2: 2 lps in each st (20 lps).
Row 3: 2 lps in each st (40 lps).
Rows 4 and 5: 1 lp in each st.
Row 6: 1 s c in each st, increasing 6 sts around (46 sts).
Rows 7 to 9: 1 s c in each st.
Row 10 (Start face): 1 s c in each of 23 sts, ch 18 for chin and fasten with s c in first st, then work around for face as follows:
Row 1 (continue on wrong side): 1 s c in each of 4 sts, fasten eye in next st, or place marker for button, 1 s c in each of 11 sts, fasten eye in next st, 1 s c in each of 5 sts, 1 s c in each of the 18 ch (41 sts around).
Row 2: Sk 1 st, 21 s c, sk 1 st, 18 s c; 39 sts.
Row 3: Sk 1, 20 s c, sk 1, 17 s c, 37 sts.
Row 4: Sk 1, 19 s c, sk 1, 16 s c, 35 sts.
Row 5: Sk 1, 18 s c, sk 1, 15 s c, 33 sts.
Row 6: Sk 1, 17 s c, sk 1, 14 s c, 31 sts.
Row 7: Sk 1, 16 s c, sk 1, 13 s c, 29 sts.
Row 8: Sk 1, 15 s c, sk 1, 12 s c, 27 sts.
Row 9: Sk 1, 14 s c, sk 1, 11 s c, 25 sts.
Row 10: Sk 1, 13 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, work 2 lps in each of 2 sts, 1 s c at center, 2 lps in each of 2 sts, 2 s c.
Row 11: Sk 1 st, 12 s c, sk 1 st, 2 s c, 4 lps over 4 lps, 1 s c, 4 lps over 4 lps, 2 s c.
Row 12: * Sk 1 st, 1 s c in each of 2 sts, repeat from * around, break off yarn.
With black yarn, work 2 rows of s c around, break off yarn, close mouth with a few sts.

Of course, some poodles have legitimate reasons for being both depressed and homicidal.

Continuing on wrong side, join brown yarn at neck edge and work 24 s c across back of head, and 20 s c across ch (44 sts). Continue to work around, skipping 1 st each side on each of the next 6 rows (32 sts remaining). Work even for 10 rows, then work across front only as follows:
Row 1: Ch 1, turn, sk 1 st, work 14 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 2: Sk 1 st, 13 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 3: Sk 1 st, 12 s c, ch 1, turn. Work 4 more rows in this manner, break off yarn. With white, work 4 long sts for teeth below black nose. Cut lps at chin.

My, what sharp teeth you have, Grandma... I mean Mr. Poodle!

Stuff head firmly, shaping face. Sew body to edge of neck.

Paws and Legs (Make 4 legs the same for 8 lp rows): Starting at sole, ch 4, join in ring with a sl st.
Row 1: 6 s c in ring.
Row 2: 2 s c in each st (12 sts).
Row 3: 2 s c in each st (24 sts).
Row 4: 1 s c in each st (24 sts).
Row 5: 5 s c, 2 s c in each of 7 sts, 12 s c (31 sts).
Row 6: 8 s c, sk 1 st, 1 s c, sk 1 st, 2 s c in each of 3 sts, sk 1 st, 1 s c, sk 1 st, 14 s c (30 sts).
Row 7: 8 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 9 s c (26 sts).
Row 8: 8 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 3 s c, sk 1, 9 s c (23 sts).
Row 9: 8 s c, sk 1, 4 s c, sk 1, 9 s c (21 sts).
Row 10: 10 s c, sk 2, 9 s c (19 sts).
Row 11: 19 s c (ending row at center back of heel).
Row 12: 1 lp in each st (19 lps). Repeat rows 11 and 12, seven times more (8 lp rows).
Repeat row 11, then work top of legs as follows:

Poodles of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your leashes!

And your incredibly silly hair cuts...

Right front and right back legs:
Row 1: Work 1 lp in each of 9 sts, ch 1, turn.
Row 2: 1 s c in each of 11 sts, ch 1, turn.
Row 3: 11 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 4: 2 s c in first st, 1 s c in each of 9 sts, 2 s c in last st, ch 1, turn.
Row 5: 13 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 6: 13 s c, break off yarn, leaving enough length to sew leg to body.

Left front and left back legs (Starting at center back): Row 1: Sl st across 10 sts, 9 lps to end of row, ch 1, turn.
Row 2: 11 s c, ch 1, turn.
Row 3: 11 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 4: 2 s c in first st, 9 s c, 2 s c in last st, ch 1, turn.
Row 5: 13 lps, ch 1, turn.
Row 6: 13 s c, break off yarn.
Place cardboard shapes in paws, then stuff legs. Sew legs to body, paws facing front. Complete poodle by making the ears as follows:

Ears (Make 2): Ch 15, turn.
Row 1: Sk 2 ch, 13 s c, ch 2, turn.
Row 2: 1 lp in each st, ch 2, turn.
Row 3: 13 s c, ch 2, turn. Repeat rows 2 and 3 three times more, then repeat row 3 for 8 rows.
Row 18: Sk every other st, break off yarn.
Sew ears to head close to last lp row on top of head.

Leash: Use heavy cotton yarn. Cut 9 28’’ strands. Divide in 3, knot one end, braid. Knot other end. Tack one end back for 5’’ handle. For collar, cut 24 9’’ strands. Divide, braid. Sew ends and attach leash.

“POODLE” CAP, SCARF, MUFF

Materials: Knitting Worsted, 6 oz. red.

Red? Since when do poodles, or even “poodles,” come in red? Brown, black, white, even pink, sure! But never red!

Well... except for this poodle.

But why would you want your daughter to look like the day-glo spawn of Carmen Miranda and a Russian folk dancer?

“Boye” non-inflammable 5 ¾’’ crochet hook, Letter “F.” ½ yd. ¼’’ elastic.

Interesting historical tidbit: the words inflammable and flammable, both mean “this item burns like bejeezus and might spontaneously combust if you look at it sideways”, but come from entirely different Latin roots. Today flammable is the preferred term, because English speakers look at the prefix “in” and assume incorrectly (see how INcorrect is the opposite of correct?) that inflammable actually means “safe as houses, feel free to dress your children in it and allow them to play with matches”.

Unfortunately, none of this answers the real question of why our crochet hooks must be fireproof in order to safely complete this pattern.

Gauge: 4 s c = 1’’.
Knot Stitch: † * Draw up a ¾’’ lp on hook, yo and through lp, insert hook under thread at left of lp and work 1 s c, repeat from * once, s c in next ridge st, repeat from † across.

Poodle Trimming: Row 1: Attach yarn to first ridge st of first ridge row, work knot st across row. Row 2: Ch 1, work 1 knot st (turning knot st), s c in first ridge st of next row and work knot st across. Repeat row 2 for remainder of trimming.

CAP: Starting at center of head, ch 22.
Row 1: S c in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across (21 s c), ch 1, turn. Work s c in back lp of each s c (slipper st) and work even until piece measures desired length to top of ear, ch 1, turn.
Ear Muff: Dec 1 s c each side every row until 1 st remains. End off. Attach yarn to first st of starting ch, work 21 s c across, ch 1, turn. Finish same as first side. Work poodle trimming over each ear muff. Work 1 row knot st around edge of each ear muff.
Ties: Make six 30’’ chs; braid 3 chs tog for each tie. Knot one end, attach other end to tip of each ear muff.

Maybe the hooks need to be “non-inflammable” because of the extreme sport of speed crocheting. I sure wouldn’t be surprised to see scorch marks on Lisa Gentry’s hooks!

SCARF: Ch 11. S c in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across (10 s c), ch 1, turn. Work slipper st for 3’’, ch 1, turn. Dec row: * Draw up a lp in each of 2 s c, yo and through all lps on hook, repeat from * across (5 s c). Work even for 1 ½’’, ch 1, turn. Work 2 s c in each s c across (10 s c), ch 1, turn.
Neck Piece: Work slipper st until neck piece measures 12 ½’’ or desired length around neck. Repeat dec row (5 sts remain), ch 1, turn.
Slit: Work slipper st for 2’’. End off. Attach yarn to first row of slit and work another piece across same 5 sts for 2’’, do not end off.
Join Slit Section: * S c in first s c of first piece, s c in first s c of 2nd piece, repeat from * across (10 s c), ch 1, turn. Work slipper st for 3’’. End off. Work poodle trimming over first and last 3’’ of scarf.

MUFF: Ch 26. Row 1: S c in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across (25 s c), ch 1, turn. Work slipper st for 12’’ or desired length. End off. Work poodle trimming over entire piece. Sl st tog first and last row of muff. Work 4 rows s c around side openings (facings). Turn under and hem facings. Insert elastic in facings, cut to wrist measurement.
Handle: Make one tie as for cap, fold in half and sew in place.

There! Your child is now securely encased in bright red “Poodle” wear, with Prozac the Clinically Depressed Poodle to keep her company. You are officially a Good Mother.

But don’t rest on your laurels, even if they’re inflammable! There’s more poodles to come...

Click here for the printable pattern.