PoodleFest 2010: This is your brain on Poodles!

Mother is ignoring Baby, hoping Baby will drown herself and she’ll finally be free from the soul-crushing tedium of middleclass suburbia. “I was glamorous once,” she tells her reflection in the mirror. “Why, my prom dress still fits!”

But there’s still hope for this desperate housewife. All she has to do to restore meaning to her humdrum life is take up knitting and start covering everything in her home with poodles.

She can start right away with the toilet paper rolls. Because nothing adds sophistication to a toilet roll like that perennial class act, the poodle.

Poodle Toilet Roll Cover from “Bazaar Time” c. 1965

See? He’s dressed to the nines in black satin ribbon! Who needs cosmopolitan parties where handsome men bring you cocktails? Just make this adorable little gentleman, and every time nature calls, you’ll be putting on the Ritz!

And he won’t breathe a word about the vodka bottle you’ve hidden in the toilet’s water tank.

Bonus: you’ll never have to drink alone again.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Knitted Poodle

This handsome fellow is the very first entry in this year’s PoodleFest. Yes, for the entire month of September, I will be inflicting sharing a wide variety of vintage poodle patterns with you. Make them, wear them, decorate your home with them, and send me pictures of the poodle-riffic results!

Lest we forget, last year’s perky poodle patterns are still available here.

Materials
2 (50g) balls Patons Double Knitting in Snow White 504.

I can easily believe that this poodle needs a 504 plan. Sure, we should never judge on the basis of appearance, but it’s hard to ignore the vacant, asymmetrical eyes, the lolling tongue...

What that? 504 is just the lot number?

Never mind then.

Oddment of Black for Nose.

Pair each Nos. 9 and 6 Milward Disc needles.

Probably 3.75mm and 5mm, with the No. 9 needle being the smaller one, since Milwards is a British company.

2 black buttons. Black ribbon for paws, scrap of red felt for tongue. Cotton wool for stuffing. Shirring elastic.

The black ribbon isn’t so much “for paws” as it is “for neck” and “for top knot”. Maybe, this pattern’s author needs a 504 plan!

I’m going to get letters, aren’t I?

BODY
Starting at base with No. 6 needles, cast on 12 sts.
1st row - K.1, (inc. in next st.) 11 times: 23 sts. 2nd and every alternate row - Purl.
3rd row - *K.1, inc. in next st.; rep. from * to last st., 5th row - *K.2, inc. in next st.; rep. from * to last st., K.1.

In my defense, my best friend is mentally disabled, and has a doctor’s note to prove it. So, the jokes above are no worse than an Irish person’s best friend making jokes about drinking, right?

Please don’t hurt me!

7th row - *K.3, inc. in next st.; rep. from * to last st., K.1. 8th row - Inc. in first st., P. to end: 57 sts.
Now work in patt. as follows: -
1st row - K.1, * sl.1, K.2, p.s.s.o. the K.2, y.fwd.; rep. from * to last 2 sts., K.2.

Pay close attention here! “P.s.s.o. the K.2” is not the same as “P.s.s.o. then K.2.” I mention this only because I know someone (totally not me) might read too fast and not notice the difference.

Okay, yes, it was me.

Did I mention there’s going to be a DIY for this pattern?

2nd row - Purl. 3rd row - K.2, * y.fwd., sl. 1, K.2, p.s.s.o the K.2; rep. from * to last st., K.1. 4th row - Purl.
These 4 rows form pattern.
Rep. 1st to 4th rows 6 times more.
Next row - Knit. Next row - Purl.
Cast off.
Join back seam. Thread shirring elastic through cast-off sts.

HEAD
With No. 9 needles, cast on 29 sts. and work 3 in. (7 cm) moss-stitch, i.e. eery row *K.1, P.1; repeat from * to last st., K.1.
Next row - K.1, (P.3 tog., K.1) 7 times. Work 1 row straight.
Next row - K.1, (P.3 tog., K.1) 3 times, P.1, K.1.
Break yarn and thread through remaining sts., draw up tightly and fasten off.
Join back seam and stuff firmly.

Remember – stuff firmly! You don’t want a limp poodle protecting your toilet paper. Why anyone might come in and steal it! And then where will you be?

NOSE
With No. 6 needles, cast on 9 sts, and work 2 ½ in. (6 cm) moss-stitch. Cast off.
Sew cast-on edge to cast-off edge. Gather up one end. Stuff firmly and sew to head.
Embroider Nose with black satin-stitch. Cut small piece of red felt for tongue and sew to base of black satin-stitch.
Sew on buttons for eyes. Sew Head to Body.

POMPONS
Large - Wind yarn over 3 fingers 80 times, remove from fingers and tie tightly round centre. Cut through loops and trim round into shape.
Make 9 smaller ones for face and body: make as for large pompon but only wind yarn 60 times.
Sew large pompon to top of Head, then sew smaller ones to Body thus: -
One at base of Body for tail, one each side of Nose, and Head, the others for paws as in photograph.
Tie small bow of ribbon round base of pompon on Head; tie ribbon round neck.

If one black tie poodle isn’t enough to brighten those homemaker’s blues, feel free to make him a friend. But if you find yourself making a hundred, like June Larimore and her sister did in 1978, you may wish to consult a professional.

Handmade by Mother recommends you preserve your sanity by knitting and crocheting different kinds of poodles.

Coming up... more poodles!

Click here for the printable pattern.
Read more!

It’s that time of year again!

Yes, it’s time for me to abandon my husband and children and lock myself away to write another novel in a mind-bending 72 hours.

Yesterday, my twelve year old son asked plaintively, “Will you be making three days worth of meals ahead of time, so we have something to eat?” I just laughed cruelly and twirled my pencil, because I don’t have an old-timey moustache to twirl.

It’ll be character building for them to learn to fend for themselves.

And right after the contest, it’ll be the most wonderful time of the year:

Poodlefest 2010!

Tuesday, September 7th, be ready to get your poodle on.


Read more!

See You in September...

Handmade by Mother will be on summer hiatus for the months of June, July and August 2010. It’s not because I need a vacation from blogging (okay, maybe I do), but due to all the travelling I’ll be doing this summer. In fact, some of the more exotic, isolated locales I’ll be visiting won’t have access to the interwebs.

You guessed it – I’m going to Northern Ontario! I’ll bet you a shiny nickel that you’re totally jealous. After all, I’m going to be abducted by aliens on the Canadian Shield, and then gaze with wonder at wild animals in their natural habitat.

I promise I’ll be back, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, on September 7th, with more tacky vintage patterns and tasteless modern snark. I know I’m taking a terrible risk of losing all of you to a summer love, but I’ve got a top-secret game plan to ensure that I’ll see you when the summer’s through...

For the complete top secret game plan:


POODLEFEST 2010 BEGINS SEPTEMBER 7th!

Be there or be square!


Read more!

Happy Blogiversary!

Peter Pan collar from “Fluffy Ruffles”, 1951

Poor Sandy. All year, she was a good girl. She obeyed her parents, thought of others before herself, was only seen and never heard.

And this was the thanks she got on her birthday. A cupcake instead of a birthday cake. One lousy candle instead of seven (with one more to grow on). And a hand-me-down velveteen dress that used to belong to her odious big sister, Jane.

“Don’t sulk, Sandy,” Mother scolded. “I crocheted that Peter Pan collar so the dress would be like new. It’s what my mother did when I was growing up. I thought a good girl like you would understand.”

Sandy understood, all right. Unlike her mother, she understood that the privations of the Great Depression and the War Years were over. What’s more, she understood that doing the whole good girl routine from becoming a Brownie to becoming a housewife was for saps. Mom and Jane could go ahead and be patsies, but Sandy wouldn’t be conned anymore.

And when she grew up, she’d never wear Peter Pan collars again!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Peter Pan

MATERIALS:

Clark’s O.N.T. Best Six Cord Mercerized Crochet, Art. B.4, Size 50: 2 balls of White . . . Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 12.

Starting at inner edge of collar, ch 203 to measure 12 inches.

1st row: Sc in 3rd ch from hook (picot made), ch 5, skip 3 ch, sc in next ch, * ch 1, picot, ch 5, skip 3 ch, sc in next ch. Repeat from * across. Turn.

Hang on, since when do you make a picot by single crocheting in a chain? Where’s the slip stitching? I was raised to believe you can’t make a picot without slip stitching!

2nd to 11th rows incl: Sl st to center of first loop, sc in same loop, * ch 1, picot, ch 5, sc in next loop. Repeat from * across. Turn. Break off at end of 11th row.

It’s bad enough Sandy got a fake birthday cake and gift, but she also got a fake picot?

EDGING . . . 1st row: Attach thread to end of first row on collar, sc in same place, * ch 5, sc in next loop. Repeat from * across to opposite end of first row. Ch 1, turn.

2nd row: Cut 6 strands of thread slightly longer than outer edge of collar. Working over these strands, make 6 sc in each sp. Cut off remaining strands. Ch 1, turn.

3rd row: * Picot, ch 5, skip 4 sc, sc in next sc, ch 1. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last sc. Ch 5, turn.

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that your daughter won’t notice it’s not a real picot. One day, she’ll be surfing the interwebs and discover it’s a FAKE!

4th row: * Sc in next loop, ch 5. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn.

5th row: Repeat 2nd row.

6th row: * Picot, ch 5, skip 2 sc, sc in next sc, ch 1. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in last sc. Ch 1, turn.

Your daughter will never trust you again. Next thing you know, she won’t listen to your warning not to mix Pop Rocks and Coca Cola and when her stomach explodes, it’ll be all your fault!

7th and 8th rows: * Picot, ch 5, sc in next loop, ch 1. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn. Break off at end of 8th row. Attach thread to inner edge of collar and sc closely across. Break off.

Starch lightly and press.

Because everybody knows what will happen if you don’t starch lightly...

But what is absolutely, 100% true is how much fun Handmade by Mother has been over the past year. I’m grateful to every single DIYer, commenter, linker, and reader for supporting this labour of sick and twisted love. I look forward to a future filled with frightful knits and crochets.

Click here for the printable pattern.


Read more!

Sew Easy!

Flower Duet from McCall’s Needlework and Crafts, Spring-Summer 1970

Your local theatre is holding auditions for Godspell, and you’re desperate for your chance to belt out Day by Day somewhere other than in the shower. But last year you lost the part of Mary Magdalene in Jesus Christ, Superstar to Shelley, who’s not even an alto! Rumour has it that she’s sleeping with the director Mike. So, how can you guarantee that this time, you’re the one singing songs of love to the big J.C.?

Why, this genuine 1970s sexy shift is sure to turn Mike’s head! If only to stare in wonderment at a dress that can simultaneously make any woman look flat-chested and lumpy in the chassis.

Just don’t forget your chunky jewelry, preferably made from the bones of some endangered animal, for a truly authentic feel. Plus, you can use it to knock out Shelley, and then you can tie her up with your matching daisy scarf. It’s not what Jesus would do, but he never had to deal with the cutthroat business that is musical theatre today.



For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

FLOWER DUET

The last time I checked a duet, even a flowery one, involved two people or musical instruments. Does this mean that somewhere out there is a matching men’s outfit?

Flower-striped shift with its own scarf alternates bands of chain stitch “daisies,” narrow rows of chain loops. Easy to crochet of Red Heart Wintuk Sport Yarn. In 8-14.

Hmm... I’m suspicious of any garment this large that claims to be “easy to crochet”, especially when it’s made of sport weight yarn. That’s a heck of a lot of teeny tiny stitches. So if it really is easy to crochet, odds are it’s going to be desperately tedious to crochet.

On the other hand, all those colourful “daisies”might just be enough to keep you from wanting to poke your eyes out with your crochet hooks, just to relieve the sheer boredom. Think of it as flower power, man.

SIZES: Directions for small size (8-10). Changes for medium size (12-14) and large size (16-18) are in parentheses.
Blocked Bust Size: 35’’ (38 ½’’-42’’).
For body measurements, see page 28.

And if your body measurements don’t all conveniently fall down one column – if you have, say, a Size 12 Bust and Size 16 Hips – then don’t even think about making this pattern.

Clearly, you don’t deserve pretty clothes. It’s nothing but sackcloth for you!

MATERIALS: Coats & Clark’s “Red Heart” Wintuk Sport Yarn, 2 (3-3) 2 oz. skeins Baby Aqua (A), 1 skein each of Grape (B), Bottle Green (C), Violet (D), Apple Green (E), Camel (F) and Royal Blue (G). Crochet hook size E. (Or English size 11.) Button. Yarn needle.

GAUGE: 4 ch-lps = 3 ½’’; 11 ch-lp rows = 2’’; each complete motif = 1 ¾’’ square. See page 24.

Take my word for it, page 24 is spectacularly unhelpful. Unless you feel like being hectored about the importance of gauge, while staring at a grainy picture of a stocking stitch square.

You do?

Well if that’s your bag, I won’t judge. You can find a scan of “YOU MUST BE SURE TO CHECK YOUR GAUGE” over in the Happy Kwanzaa post.

COMPLETE MOTIF: Beg at center ch 5. Join with a sl st to form ring.
Rnd 1: Ch 1, * sc in ring, ch 9, sc in ring (corner lp made), ch 7, repeat from * 3 times. Join with a sl st in first sc – 8 lps. End off.

HALF MOTIF: Beg at center, ch 5. Join with a sl st to form ring.
Rnd 1: Ch 1, sc in ring, * ch 7, sc in ring, ch 9, sc in ring, repeat from * once, ch 7 sc in ring – 5 lps. End off.

DRESS: BACK: Make 17 (18-20) complete motifs with A, 8 (9-10) complete motifs with B, C, D, E, F, and G. Make 2 half motifs with F (G-C) and D. Working from right to left, motifs are joined in following sequence:
Row 1 (lower edge): Complete Motifs: * B, E, D, A, F, G, C, A, repeat from * until 11 (12-13) complete motifs are joined. (See First Motif Band, below, for how to join.)

Spontaneity is not allowed! Each Motif MUST be joined in the proper colour sequence.

Row 2: Half motif D, then complete motif A, F, G, C, A, repeat from * on row 1 until 9 (10-11) complete motifs are joined, end half motif F (G-C).
Row 3: Complete Motifs: G, C, A, then repeat from * on row 1 until 9 (10-11) motifs are joined.
Row 4: Complete Motifs: A, then work from * on row 1 until 9 (10-11) motifs are joined.
Row 5: Complete Motifs: E, D, A, F, G, C, A, then work from * on row 1 until 9 (10-11) motifs are joined.
Row 6: Repeat row 2.
Row 7: Complete Motif: C, A, then work from * on row 1 until 7 (8-9) motifs are joined.
First Motif Band (lower band): From right side, arrange motifs in color sequence as on row 1. With large-eyed needle and matching colors, sew center of a ch-7 lp on first motif to center of a ch-7 lp on 2nd motif. End off. * Sk 3 lps on last motif joined, sew center of next ch-7 lp to center of a ch-7 lp on next motif. End off. Repeat from * until 11 (12-13) motifs are joined.

Wait, after making a total of 69 (76-84) Motifs, we now have to sew them all together? Individually?

I thought this was a crochet pattern! If I wanted to sew a 1970s daisy dress, I would. I already have the vintage material handy.

Okay, so technically that’s vintage daisy wallpaper. So what? Are you saying you’re too good for a wallpaper dress?

First Chain Loop Band: Row 1: Working along upper edge of joined motifs, from right side, sk 2 lps preceding joined lp on first motif, join A to 3rd lp from joining (corner lp), sc in same lp, (ch 3, sc in next lp on same motif) twice, * sc in next free corner lp on next motif, (ch 3, sc in next lp on same motif) twice. Repeat from * across – 22 (24-26) ch-3 lps. Ch 1, turn.
Row 2: Sc in first sc, * ch 3, sc in next sc, ch 3, sc in each of next 2 sc, repeat from * across, end (ch 3, sc in next sc) twice. Ch 1, turn.
Row 3: Repeat row 2. End off. Turn.
Row 4: Join B in first sc, sc in same sc, * ch 3, sc in next sc, ch 3, sc in each of next 2 sc, repeat from * across, end (ch 3, sc in next sc) twice. End off. Turn.
Row 5: With A, repeat row 4.
Row 6: With C, repeat row 4.
Row 7: Join A in first sc, sc in same sc, ch 1, sc in next sc (dec made), * ch 3, sc in each of next 2 sc, ch 3, sc in next sc, repeat from * across, end ch 1, sc in last sc (dec made). Ch 1, turn.
Row 8: Sc in each of first 2 sc, * ch 3, sc in each of next 2 sc, ch 3, sc in next sc, repeat fromo * across, end ch 3, sc in each of last 2 sc – 20 (22-24) ch-lps. Ch 1, turn.
Row 9: Sk first sc, sc in next sc, work in pat across, end ch 3, sk next sc, sc in last sc. End off.

So, when exactly does the “easy-to-crochet” part of this pattern begin?

2nd Motif Band: From right side, arrange motifs in color sequence as on row 2. Sk first 2 ch-lps on half D motif, sew next ch-7 lp to a ch-7 lp of next motif. End off. Continue to join motifs same as for first motif band until 9 ½’’ (10 ½’’-11 ½’’) motifs have been joined; sk 3 lps on last motif, sew next ch-lp to 3rd lp on F (G-C) half motif. Place 2nd motif band along top edge of last row of last Chain Loop Band, having motifs directly above motifs of previous Motif Band. With A (joining 1 lp to each sc), sew the 2 lps along lower edge of first half motif to first 2 sc on Chain Loop Band. Continue to sew 3 free lps of each motif to each corresponding sc on Chain Loop Band; sew 2 lps of last half motif to each of last 2 sc.
2nd Chain Loop Band: Row 1: Working along upper edge of last motif band, from right side, join A to first lp on half motif, sc in same lp, ch 3, sc in next lp on half motif, * sc in next corner lp on next motif, (ch 3, sc in next lp on same motif) twice. Repeat from * across, end last repeat ch 3, sc in last lp on last half motif – 20 (22-24) ch-lps. Ch 1, turn.
Rows 2-9: Repeat rows 2-9 of First Chain Loop Band, ending 18 (20-22) ch-lps on last row.

On the plus side, I’m definitely not bored!

3rd Motif Band: Working same as for First Motif Band, work in color sequence as for row 3. Sew 3 free lps of each motif to corresponding sc on last row of last Chain Loop Band.
3rd Chain Loop Band: Work same as rows 1-6 for First Chain Loop Band. End off. Turn.
Row 7: With A, work same as row 4. Do not end off. Ch 1, turn.
Rows 8 and 9: Repeat row 2. End off.
4th Motif Band: Repeat 3rd Motif Band, working color sequence row 4.
4th Chain Loop Band: Repeat 3rd Chain Loop Band.
5th Motif Band: Repeat 3rd Motif Band, working color sequence row 5.
5th Chain Loop Band: Work same as rows 1-4 on First Chain Loop Band. End off. Turn.
Row 5: Join A in first st, (sc, ch 1, sc) in same sc (inc made), ch 3, sc in next sc, work in pat across, end (sc, ch 1, sc) in last sc (inc made). End off. Turn.
Row 6: Join C in first sc, sc in same sc, ch 3, sc in next sc, work in pat across to within last 2 sc, end sc in next sc, ch 3, sc in last sc – 20 (22-24) ch-lps. End; turn.
Row 7: Join A in first sc, sc in same sc, ch 3, 2 sc in next sc, ch 3, sc in next sc, work in pat across to within last 2 sc, end 2 sc in next sc, ch 3, sc in last sc. Ch 1, turn.
Rows 8 and 9: Sc in first sc, * ch 3, sc in next 2 sc, ch 3, sc in next sc, repeat from * across. End off.

If this dress isn’t working out for you, there are always other – easier – options for achieving that vintage knitwear look.

Just look at Cate Blanchett – she’s cleverly stolen the blanket off her Nana’s rocking chair and has transformed it into the very height of fashion.

6th Motif Band: Repeat 2nd Motif Band, working color sequence row 6.
6th Chain Loop Band: Work same as rows 1-3 on 2nd Chain Loop Band. End off. Turn.
Shape Armhole: Row 1: Sk first 2 ch-lps on last row, join B in next sc, sc in same sc, * ch 3, sc in each of next 2 sc, ch 3, sc in next sc, repeat form * to within last 2 ch-lps – 16 (18-20) ch-lps. End; turn.
Row 2: Join A to center ch of first ch-lp, sc in same ch, ch 1, sc in each of next 2 sc, work in pat to within last ch-lp, ch 1, sc in center ch of last lp. End off. Turn.
Row 3: Join C in first sc, sc in same sc, sc in each of next 2 sc, work in pat across, end sc in each of last 3 sc – 14 (16-18) ch-lps. End off. Turn.
Row 4: Sk first 2 sc, join A in next sc, sc in same sc, work in pat to within 1 ch-lp of end, end ch-3, sc in next sc. Ch 1, turn.
Rows 5 and 6: Repeat row 2 of First Chain Loop Band. End off.
7th Motif Band: Repeat Third Motif Band, working color sequence row 7.

In the spirit of recycling, you could also make your new dress out of some rope you happened to find lying around in the garden shed.

Top Chain Loop Band: With 14 (16-18) ch-lps, work rows 1-3 as for first Chain Loop Band. End off. Turn.
Divide for Back Opening: Row 1: Join B in first sc, sc in same sc, work in pat until 7 (8-9) ch-lps are completed. End off, turn each row.
Row 2: Join A in first sc, sc in same sc, work in pat across. * Repeat last row, working 1 row each of C, A, B, A, repeat from * until armhole measures 5’’ (6’’-6 ½’’) above first row of armhole shaping, end arm side.
Shape Neck: Work across 5 (5-6) ch lps. Turn.
Row 2: Join next color in center ch of first ch-lp, ch 1, sc in next sc, finish row. Turn.
Row 3: Join next color in first sc, work in pat to within last ch-3 lp, ch-3, sk next sc, sc in last sc – 4 (4-5) ch-lps.
Rows 4 and 5: Repeat rows 2 and 3 – 3 (3-4) ch-lps. Keeping color sequence as established, work even until piece measures 6 ½’’ (7 ½’’-8’’) above first row of armhole shaping. End off. Join B in same st as last sc of first row of back opening. Work same as for first side of back opening, reversing shaping.
Lower Edge Chain Loop Band: Working along lower edge of First Motif Band, work same as rows 1-4 on First Chain Loop Band.
Rows 5-7: Work same as rows 5-7 on 5th Chain Loop Band – 24 (26-28) chain loops. Working in same color sequence as Top Chain Loop Band, work even until piece measures 24 ½’’ (25 ½’’-26 ½’’) from underarm, or 1 ½’’ less than desired dress length, end with a B or C row. With A, work 3 rows even. End off. Dress will be blocked 1’’ longer.
Side Edging: Row 1: From right side, join A to end st at left armhole edge. Working down side edge, * sc in end st of each row to next motif band, ch 3, sc in ring on half motif or in free lp on a complete motif, ch 3, sc in end st of next ch-lp row, repeat from * across side edge, end sc in end st of each row along Lower Edge Chain Loop Band. Ch 1, turn.
Row 2: Sc in each sc and in each ch across. End off. Beg at lower edge, work same edging on other side edge.

And that, my dears, is the end of the Back of the dress. Guess what? You get to do it all over again for the Front!

Which means you’d better get started making another 69 (76-84) Motifs. And sewing them together individually.

That’d better not be crying I hear. Remember, this is an “easy to crochet” project!

FRONT: Work same as back until end of 7th Motif Band.
Top Chain Loop Band: With 14 (16-18) ch-lps, work rows 1-3 as for First Chain Loop Band. * Working in pat as established, work 1 row each of B, A, C, A, repeat from * until armhole is 4 ½’’ (5 ½’’-6’’) above first row of arm shaping.
Shape Neck: Keeping to color sequence as established, work across 5 (5-6) ch-lps. End off. Turn.
Row 2: Join next color in center ch of first ch-lp, ch 1, sc in next sc, finish row. End off. Turn. Complete as for first side of back neck shaping. Sk next 4 (6-6) free ch-lps on last long row, join needed color in next sc, work same as for first side, reversing shaping.
Lower Edge Chain Loop Band: Work same as for back.
Side Edging:From right side, join A to end st at right armhole edge. Work same as for Back. Work same edging on other side edge.

FINISHING: Block pieces (see page 27), stretching dress 1’’ in length. Weave side and shoulder seams.

No, I am not transcribing page 27 for you. If you don’t know how to block, google it!

Although you may want to be more specific in your choice of search terms.

Neck Edge: Row 1: From right side, beg at top of back opening, with A, sc around neck edge, easing in slightly. Ch 1, turn.
Rows 2-4: Sc in each sc around. Ch 1, turn. At end of row 4, ch 5 for button lp, sk last 3 rows made, sl st in end st of next row on back opening. End off.
Armhole Edge: Rnd 1: From right side, beg at side seam, with A, * sc evenly to next motif, ch 3, sc in next free lp, ch 3, sc in end st of next ch-lp row. Repeat from * once, sc along remainder of armhole edge, keeping work flat. Join with a sl st to first st. Ch 2, turn each rnd.
Rnd 2: Sc in each sc and in each ch.
Rnds 3 and 4: Sc in each sc. End.

Actually, this is not the end. And I don’t mean the lining that wasn’t mentioned in the pattern, but which will be necessary to sew into this dress to make it conform to local decency bylaws. No, I mean there’s another 80 Motifs just waiting to be made and then painstakingly sewn together.

Yay!

STOLE: Following directions for Complete Motif make 20 A motifs, 10 motifs each of B, C, D, E, F and G – 80 motifs.
First Motif Band: From right side, arrange motifs in color sequence same as for row 1 on back of dress. Join same as for First Motif Band on back until 40 motifs are joined.
First Chain Loop Band: Work same as rows 1-6 on First Chain Loop Band on back, then join A and repeat rows 3-6 once; join A and work 3 rows. End off.
2nd Motif Band: Working same as for First Motif Band, beg with a D motif, work in color sequence as for First Motif Band until 40 motifs are joined. Sew 3 free lps of each motif to corresponding sc on last row of Chain Loop Band.
Edging: From right side, work rows 1-3 same as First Chain Loop Band on each long side of stole.
End Edge: With A, sc in end st at short edge. Working across edge, (sc in end st of each row to motif band, ch 3, sc in free lp on motif, ch 3) twice, sc in end st of each row to end. End off. Work same edge on other end.

FINISHING: Block. Cut 6 15’’ strands of yarn for each fringe. Knot on ends.

And there you go, all done! Wasn’t that easy to make?

Now, repeat after me...

Click here for the printable pattern.


Read more!

Phentex Wants to Break your Little Girl’s Heart

“Pretty Little Miss” Dress Style No. 6959, 1969

During the 1960s, the little Miss Phentex pageant was held every Victoria Day here in Canada. Above is the winner for 1969, Vicki Regina, whose shrewd mother had insisted her daughter wear gloves. When all the other girls in the competition touched the scratchy surface of their Phentex dresses without the same protection, they burst into hysterics over their hemorrhaging hands. As the last little girl standing, Vicki won the dubious prize of becoming Phentex’s corporate shill for a year. Oh, and a Phentex clad Barbie that she could only play with if she took a decontamination shower immediately afterward.

But, Victoria, you say, little Vicki seems perfectly happy with her Barbie doll in its matching Phentex dress. True, crystalline polypropylene polymer yarn violates the laws of nature and humankind, but couldn’t you admit that this time it’s a victimless crime?

Absolutely NOT! Because Little Miss Phentex wasn’t the real victim here. No, the true casualties were every other Canadian girl of the time period who loved Barbies and turquoise and white dresses.

Victim #2532 above, along with her peers, begged her mother to make this matching daughter and dolly pattern. I was These little girls were too young and innocent to know of Phentex’s deadly reputation. Of course, their new Phentex dresses eventually attempted to strangle them with the front trim bow and feed on their cooling bodies, but that wasn’t the real heartbreaker. This was:

Note:— You will find the instructions for the doll’s dress in our Knit Knack book at your favourite store soon.

That’s right, the Barbie doll pattern is not included! And the above note was tucked underneath the last bit of instruction on how to make the dress. Leaving thousands of sobbing little girls wearing a bloodthirsty Phentex dress, and clutching a naked Barbie.

Fortunately, a class action lawsuit launched by the harried mothers successfully shut down the Little Miss Phentex pageant the following year. So, now Canadian girls from sea to sea to sea can celebrate a Phentex-free, LOL-full Victoria Day.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

MATERIALS:— Phentex Ruban, 2 skeins blue and one skein white; one metal crochet hook No. 10 white and bleu material for lining; one dome fastener.

Ruban is French for ribbon, while Phentex Ruban is French for you’re going to pay more for this Phentex yarn, but it’s still going to leave welts. Bleu is French for our blue is better than yours, na-na-na-na-na. And dome fastener is the Canadian name for what Americans call a press stud. Which as far as I know are just snaps, and not sexy journalist breeding stock.

SIZE:— Directions are given for one size only – size 4.

If you want instructions on any other size, you have to “send the sum of one dollar ($1.00)” directly to Phentex Inc. So now, your so-called twenty cent (.20¢) pattern will cost one dollar and seventy cents ($1.70) to get the right size dress and the fifty cent (.50¢) Barbie pattern.

Sure, the above scam sounds penny ante, but remember this is 1969 dollars. For $1.70 you could have bought just under five gallons of gas or seventeen 10 oz. bottles of Pepsi! So, not only did Phentex break your daughter’s heart, it also ruined your Victoria Day Picnic.

TENSION:— 7 d.c. to one inch in width and 5 rows to two inches in depth, worked with a No. 10, worked with a No. 10 metal crochet hook, or any size that will give the correct tension.

Yes, you read correctly, that’s two inches in depth not length. In the 1960s, Phentex was sold by the fathom.

MEASUREMENTS:— Length from shoulder, 19 ins. Chest measurement, 24 ins.

If only this diagram emphasized that the back had the same width as well as lengths (AKA depths), Little Miss Phentex’s dress wouldn’t have been marred by such uneven shoulders.

PATTERN STITCHES:— S.c. insert hook into next st. yarn over hook and pull thro’ loop; yarn over hook and pull thro’ the two loops on hook.

D.c. yarn over hook, insert into next ch and pull thro’ loop. (3 loops now on hook), yarn over hook and pull thro’ 2 loops, yarn over hook and pull thro’ remaining 2 loops.

YOKE FRONT:— Using the white ruban, ch. 73.

I’m resisting the temptation to tell a yoke.

1st ROW:— 1 d.c. in 4th ch. From hook, then 1 d.c. in every ch. to end. (70 d.c. in row)

2nd ROW:— 2 ch. to turn, 1 d.c. in each d.c. of previous row. Rep. the 2nd row 12 times more – 13 rows in all.

14th ROW:— 2 ch. to turn, work next 27 d.c., turn.

15th ROW:— 2 ch. to turn, skip next d.c., then 1 d.c. in each st. to end. (26 d.c.).

After all, it might be funny now, but in a couple of years time it could be in very poor taste.

Continue to dec. one st. at the neck edge on the next 3 rows, when 23 d.c. will remain. Fasten off. Leave 16 sts. For neckline. Join the ruban to the 17th st. and work to correspond to other side.

RIGHT BACK YOKE:— Using white ruban, ch. 41.

1st ROW:— 1 d.c. in 4th ch. from hook, then 1 d.c. in every ch. to end. (38 d.c.)

NEXT ROW:— 2 ch. to turn, 1 d.c. in each d.c. of previous row. Rep. the 2nd row 12 times more – (13 rows in all).

Now work as from the 14th row of front.

LEFT BACK YOKE:— Work to correspond with Right Back Yoke, reversing all shapings.

Instructions on how to do a single crochet are provided, but when it comes to reversing shapings, you’re on your own, noob!

Place the yoke pieces on the white material and cut allowing for turnings.

SKIRT FRONT:— Using blue ruban, ch. 6, now working along lower edge of front yoke, work 1 s.c. in each of the 70 d.c., and finish with 6 ch.

1st PATTERN ROW:— 3 ch. to turn, 4 d.c. in 5th ch. from hook, * skip 2 sts., 1 d.c. in next st., skip 2 sts., 4 d.c. in next st. Rep. from * finishing, skip 2 sts., 1 d.c. in last st.

2nd and 3rd ROWS:— 3 ch. to turn, work 1 d.c. over each single d.c. of previous row, and 4 d.c. into the centre of the groups of 4 d.c. of previous row.

4th – 12th ROWS:— 3 ch. to turn. * Work 1 d.c. over each single d.c. of previous row. 4 d.c. into the centre of the 1st group of 4 d.c. and 6 d.c. in the next group. Rep. from * to end of row.

And no, they weren’t running out of space. There’s a ten centimeters by nine centimeters space (that’s 4 inches by 3 ¼ inches for Yankee Doodle Dandies) at the end of the pattern that only contains these words:

do not press

no
dry cleaning

I can only assume that the prominence given to these instructions was the result of a class action lawsuit resulting from a pressed, dry cleaned Phentex outfit caused the Cuyahoga River to catch fire.

13th – 16th ROWS:— As previous rows, working 6 d.c. into the “groups”.

17th – 24th ROWS:— As previous rows, alternating the “groups” of 6 d.c. with 8 d.c.

25th – 33rd ROWS:— As previous rows, working 8 d.c. into the “groups”. Fasten off.

SKIRT BACK:— Overlap the right and left yoke back for 4 d.c. Now work as for front.

FINISHING:— Pin the pieces out to the measurements and cover with a damp cloth. Holding a steam iron about 2 ins. Above the pieces, pass lightly over, allowing only the steam to pass thro’ the cloth. Leave pinned out to dry.

Finishing AKA Enhanced Interrogation Techniques because you don’t ever want Phentex to think you’re soft on terrorism.

Cut the lining for the skirt from the blue material. Join the shoulder and skirt seams. Make up the lining separately, place inside dress, turn under edges and sl. st. around neck and armholes.

Hang on, are you telling me that in 1969 a woman who’d never crocheted before would be able to slip stitch a lining in place? Whereas, when I started crocheting, I found self-striping yarn challenging?

Clearly, baby boomer noobs were far more skilled than those of Generation X.

Using blue ruban, work one row of single crochet around neck and back opening, also around armholes. Now work a picot edge as follows:— NEXT ROW:— * 1 s.c. in s.c. of previous row, 3 ch. and sl.st. into top of previous s.c. 1 s.c. into each of next 2 s.c. Rep. from * around. Fasten back neck with a dome fastener. Fasten lower edge of armholes, with two 6-ch. bars, half an inch apart.

FRONT TRIM BOW:— With white ruban, ch. 8.

1st ROW:— 2 d.c. in 6th ch. from hook, skip 1 ch., 1 d.c. in last ch.

2nd ROW:— 2 ch. to turn 2 d.c. into the centre of the 2 d.c. of previous row, skip next st., 1 d.c. into turning ch. of previous row. Rep. the 2nd row until the work measures 30 ins. From the beginning. Fasten off. Press lightly, form into a bow and attach to centre front of dress.

At least, I can feel more skilled than the generations Y and Z, who’ve known nothing but the metric system and the microwave. They’ll be bamboozled by these strange ins. and steam iron references.

But whatever you do, kids, don’t microwave Phentex!

Click here for the printable pattern.


Read more!

Psycho Butterflies

Butterfly hat and gloves from “Butterflies in Crochet”, 1951.

To the excitement of film enthusiasts everywhere a long-lost film of Hitchcock’s has recently been unearthed. Twelve years before Hitchcock filmed his horror masterpiece The Birds, he had directed a strikingly similar film...

The Butterflies!

Regrettably, the film was quickly relegated to obscurity by an audience unwilling to accept that butterflies could be deadly killers. This may have been due to Hitchcock’s inability to find skilled Butterfly Wranglers, and his subsequent decision to rely on crocheted butterflies instead. The film’s climatic scene of the beautiful blonde heroine stranded on top of the Lincoln Memorial was universally panned by critics due to a lack of convincing special effects and an overabundance of cotton butterflies pelted at the starlet by the film crew.

Today, however, Hitchcock is seen as a prophetic visionary, vainly attempting to warn people about the real life menace of killer butterflies. To help raise awareness of this little recognized threat to our place in the food chain, you can now crochet Hitchcockian butterflies for your hat and gloves. Remember, just because it’s the apocalypse, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dress like a lady.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

BUTTERFLIES in crochet...

All sizes and shapes of brilliant butterflies in a blaze of colors – a gay note of surprising beauty to glamorize your wardrobe and dramatize your home.

Oh yes, Hitchcock definitely enjoyed using gay notes to glamorize and dramatize his films.

To change the size of a butterfly, use any J. & P. Coats or Clark’s O.N.T. Thread other than the one specified; consult chart for size of hook to use with each thread.

Hat and Gloves S-36

MATERIALS:

J. & P. Coats or Clark’s O.N.T. Best Six Cord Mercerized Crochet, Size 30:

SMALL BALL:
J. & P. COATS – 3 balls of White or Ecru, or 4 balls of any color, or
CLARK’S O.N.T. – 4 balls of White or Ecru, or 6 balls of any color, or

BIG BALL:
J. & P. COATS – 2 balls of White or Ecru, or 3 balls of any color.

The real horror of this pattern is just how many choices we’re given. White or Ecru? Balls of any colour? I can’t take the stress!

Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 10.

A black velvet cloche.

GLOVES

Sizes: Small (Medium, Large)

LEFT GLOVE – Little Finger . . . Starting at tip, ch 4. 1st rnd: Make 11 (12, 13) dc in 4th ch from hook. Join with sl st to top of starting chain. 2nd rnd: Ch 4, * dc in next dc, ch 1. Repeat from * around. Join last ch-1 to 3rd ch of ch-4. 3rd rnd: Sl st in next sp, ch 4, * dc in next sp, ch 1. Repeat from * around. Join. Repeat 3rd rnd until 12 (13, 14) rnds are completed. Join and break off.

RING FINGER . . . Starting at tip, ch 4. 1st rnd: Make 12 (13, 14) dc in 4th ch from hook. Join. Work as for Little Finger until 14 (15, 16) rnds are completed. Break off.

Film critics have long speculated on Hitchcock’s use of only white butterflies. While Mr. A. McGuffin of the New York Times asserted that Hitch’s use of white symbolically represented death, the truth is much simpler. Professional Film Crocheter Mrs. Danvers wrote in her journal at the time, “If we buy all the thread in white, we don’t have to worry about how many of balls of this or that we need. And seriously, who in their right mind would crochet an Ecru butterfly?”

However, Hitchcock must not have been impressed with the final results, based on his lavish use of crows in The Birds.

MIDDLE FINGER . . . Starting at tip, ch 4. 1st rnd: Make 13 (14, 15) dc in 4th ch from hook. Join. Work as for Little Finger until 16 (17, 18) rnds are completed. Break off.

INDEX FINGER . . . Work exactly as for Ring Finger.

THUMB . . . Starting at tip, ch 4. 1st rnd: Make 16 (17, 18) dc in 4th ch from hook. Join. Work as for Little Finger until 12 (13, 14) rnds are completed. Break off.

Joining of Fingers: Sew the Ring Finger, the Middle Finger and the Index Finger together at base, joining a dc to a sp on following finger and leaving the same amount of sps free on both sides of joining.

PALM AND BACK . . . 1st rnd: Attach thread to first free sp on inside edge of Index Finger and work in sp pattern across each finger; now continue working in pattern across Back and join to first sp. There should be 40 (43, 46) sps. 2nd rnd: Work in pattern around. Join. Now sew Little Finger as for other fingers. There should be 52 (56, 60) sps. Work in pattern for 5 (6, 7) more rnds. Sew thumb in place and continue to work in sp pattern over Thumb sps. Next rnd: Mark the 2 sps directly above joining of Thumb on both sides of glove. Work in pattern to within the 2 marked sps, ch 1, holding back on hook the last loop of each dc, make dc in each of next 2 sps, thread over and draw through all loops on hook (1 sp decreased). Complete rnd, decreasing 1 sp over next 2 marked sps (this starts thumb gore). Now work in pattern for 2 more rnds, decreasing 1 sp directly over each previous decrease made. Next rnd: Makr the 2 sps directly between Thumb decreases and the 2 sps on outer edge of Little Finger side of glove. Continue to work in pattern, decreasing 1 sp over each dec and over the marked sps as before. Continue to work in pattern, making decreases over the 4 established points until 9 rnds are completed from first dec rnd. Break off. Now shape lower edge as follows: 1st row: Mark the center sp of last rnd st back of glove. Attach thread to 7th sp to the left of marked sp, ch 4 and work in pattern to within 6 sps preceding marked sp. Turn. 2nd row: Sl st in next sp, ch 4, * dc in next sp, ch 1. Repeat from * across, ending with dc in last sp. Turn. Repeat 2nd row 3 (4, 5) more times.

EDGING . . . * 2 sc in next sp, ch 3, sc in 3rd ch from hook (picot made). Repeat from * around entire lower edge. Join and break off.

If you are not as sensible as Mrs. Danvers, and would prefer to make your butterflies more terrifyingly realistic, then the cover of this pattern book provides you with all the source material you’ll need.

As you can see below, several varieties of butterflies are massing in the sky, just prior to their attack on small, helpless school children.

BUTTERFLY – Large Wing (Make 2) . . . Starting at center, ch 13. 1st row: Dc in 4th ch from hook and in each of next 7 ch, half dc in next ch, in next ch make sc, ch 3 and sc. Now, working across opposite side of starting chain, make half dc in next ch, dc in each remaining chain across. Ch 3, turn. 2nd row: Skip first dc, dc in each st to ch-3 loop at tip, in ch-3 loop make 3 dc, ch 3 and 3 dc; dc in each remaining st across and in top of turning chain. Ch 1, turn. 3rd row: Sc in each dc across, making 2 sc, ch 3 and 2 sc in sp at tip. Ch 4, turn. 4th row: * Skip 1 sc, dc in next sc, ch 1. Repeat from * across, making dc, ch 1, dc, ch 3, dc, ch 1 and dc in loop at tip. Ch 1, turn. 5th row: 2 sc in each sp across, making 2 sc, ch 3 and 2 sc in sp at tip. Ch 5, turn. 6th row: * Skip 1 sc, dc in next sc, ch 2. Repeat from * across, making dc, ch 2, dc, ch 3, dc, ch 2 and dc in loop at tip. Ch 1, turn. 7th row: 3 sc in each sp across, making 3 sc, ch 3 and 3 sc in sp at tip. Ch 5, turn. 8th row: Repeat 6th row. 9th row: * Make 3 sc in next sp, ch 3, sc in 3rd ch from hook (picot made). Repeat from * across, ending with 3 sc in last sp. Break off.

SMALL WING (Make 2) . . . Work as for Large Wing until 6 rows are completed. 7th row: Repeat 9th row of Large Wing.

Just inside the front cover, you will find a helpful identification guide, which will undoubtedly prove very useful when the butterflies are sucking out all your blood with their needle sharp proboscises.

Please note, however, that the “Timeloea Maculata-formosana” has a spelling error. It should be “Timelaea”which roughly translates as TIME TO DIE, HUMAN SCUM! Also, Formosa refers to the island of Formosa, more commonly known these days as Taiwan, not to the province in Argentina.

It’s important not to make any careless mistakes in butterfly identification. Your life is on the line!

BODY . . . Starting at one end, ch 11. 1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch 1, turn. Hereafter pick up back loop only of each sc. 2nd row: 2 sc in first sc, sc in next 7 sc, work off last 2 sc as 1 sc. Ch 1, turn. 3rd row: Work off first 2 sc as 1 sc, sc in next 7 sc, 2 sc in last sc. Ch 1, turn. Repeat 2nd and 3rd rows alternately until piece measures 3 inches. Break off.

ANTENNAE . . . Ch 50, sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Break off.

Shirr the straight ends of Wings tightly. Place the shirred end of one large wing over the shirred end of small wing as in illustration and sew in place. Sew two remaining wings together the same way. Sew the shirred edges of the 2 pairs of wings together at center. Sew the two long ends of body together, stuffing with several strands of thread and making sure to keep one end of body pointed. Sew body in place over joined wings, having pointed end of body even with bottom edge of small wings. Roll and sew ends of Antennae to form small knobs. Double this piece and sew in place under upper part of body.

Starch lightly and press. Sew Butterfly in place on back of glove.

RIGHT GLOVE . . . Make another Glove the same way, reversing it to fit Right Hand.

HAT . . . Make 4 Butterflies as before and sew 2 to each side of hat.

And if you are feeling inspired, feel free to make several more butterflies and attach them to the rest of your outfit. But be careful about going outside. The Butterflies, just like The Birds, want to be close to you!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!