Don’t You Dare Use Your New Potholders in Your Old Kitchen!

Planning & Remodeling Kitchens, c. 1975

Now that you’ve crocheted up some new anthropomorphic, tea-partying potholders, you need a new kitchen to show them off. Besides, you probably burned down your old kitchen attempting to simultaneously crochet and deep fry parsley.

But you don’t need just any old kitchen. You need a seventies kitchen. Bright, modern, spacious... Wait, what’s that ominous figure in the corner of the room?

Aaaugh, aliens!

Your new seventies kitchen will also help you welcome our new alien overlords.

For more seventies scullery snark:

Despite the cheery cover on this home remodeling book, the seventies were not really about modernity or spaciousness. They were about Authenticity. Rip off that drywall! Expose those beams and brickwork! And if you can’t, then at least cover everything in sight with wood paneling. Lies will not be tolerated. It’s about Keeping it Real.

It was also about keeping Mom in her place.

Seventies kitchen designers loved “pass-throughs”. These handy-dandy holes in the wall allowed Mom to stay in the kitchen and pass food out to her family on the other side, like a short-order cook or a prison cafeteria.

The one above is particularly well designed as the family can use the sliding door to seal Mom off from sight, when they get tired of her showing off her prison tats.

Whereas in this kitchen, dinner orders can be conveniently shouted at Mom from above. If Mom attempts to ignore him, Dad can always tip a fern over on her head.

Yes, the war of the sexes was alive and well in the seventies. And really, keeping Mom segregated from the rest of the family was probably for the best.

Any moment now this woman is going to turn around and bury a butcher knife in her husband’s chest. “Don’t tell ME how to cook, you micro-managing S.O.B.!”

One the plus side, no one will mess with her in the prison cafeteria.

Only in the seventies could hanging your antique kitchen tools from a row of flimsy screw-in hooks seem like a terrific idea.

Many an unfortunate seventies-era housewife was brained by falling mallets and skewered by BBQ forks as she cooked up hot dog casseroles for the family. But concussions and kitchen lobotomies were a small price to pay for the convenience (and authenticity!) of having all her kitchen implements ready at hand.

I advise that you invest in kitchen hard-hats before installing your very own kitchen utensils of Damocles.

Of course, some kitchen implements are just a little too pointy to dangle directly overhead. A Mom needs to be able to reach out, grab a knife and stab it into... dinner, of course. And that’s what the handy-dandy magnetic strip is for!

These days, not only can you use that magnetic strip to hold your assorted implements of culinary death, you can also use it to wipe your credit cards. Unfortunately, demagnetizing the stripe on your Visa card will not erase the debt on it.

In the seventies, however, a kitchen knife was not as dangerous as a tin of Campbell’s Soup.

Yes, Junior is about to learn a valuable lesson that gravity is a heartless kitchen witch.

Seventies Do It Yourself Furniture! The perfect way for a seventies guy to demonstrate his commitment to recycling. After all, getting back to the Earth is far more important than any petty concerns about his wife wasting hours of her life cleaning encrusted food and grime off chicken wire.

Rumour has it that the above photo was Exhibit A in the infamous Seventies divorce case Kramer vs. Kramer.

How convenient, you have to stand on the table to water your plants! And if your guests complain about baby spider plants landing in their food, just assure them they’re extra roughage. After all, spider plants are non-toxic, not like that English Ivy... Yeah, you might not want to put your chair right under that one.

Still, despite the risk of poisonous plants in my food, knives dangling overhead and the sheer impossibility of ever adequately cleaning exposed brickwork and stucco, I can’t help but want a seventies kitchen of my very own.

My breakfast nook needs a fireman’s pole!


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Puff the Magic Parsley!

Potholder patterns and Parsley Puffs recipe from Star Potholders, c. 1955

Your eyes do not deceive you – the good people at Star Potholders combined recipes with crochet patterns. After all, everyone who loves to crochet must also love to cook, right? And vice versa, naturally. Just such a versatile lady is pictured above, barefoot but not visibly pregnant in the Star Potholder kitchen.

Don’t get me wrong. I greatly admire multitaskers who can cook and crochet simultaneously without setting the house on fire. The fact that these people do so despite being only three inches tall is especially admirable. When was the last time you crocheted two blanket-sized potholders, then stirred a pot twice your size all the while ignoring enormous vegetables bent on revenging their cooked kin?

Indeed, this Parsley Puff Potholder pattern recipe combination – or pattipe, if you prefer – is a testament to perseverance in the face of overwhelming adversity.

Either that, or its evidence that the designers of this book were on heavy medication.

Parsley Puffs

1 bunch of parsley
1 egg
2 teaspoons flour
1 tablespoon water
1 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper

Wash parsley and break into small sprigs and put in ice water to crisp. Separate egg: to the beaten yolk, add flour, water, and seasonings...

Yes, this recipe calls for “seasonings”. I’ve been told such ingredients may be purchased from congenial vendors on street corners.

... and beat until thoroughly mixed. Then fold in egg whites beaten stiff. Dip the parsley sprigs into this batter and fry in deep fat at 390 degrees F until golden brown. Drain and serve hot. This is a tempting garnish for meats.

The terrifying implications of a three-inch tall housewife operating a deep-fryer aside, I’m of the opinion that restaurants exist so I may pay other people to do my deep frying for me.

However, if you’re brave enough to attempt this recipe, why stop at the garnish? After all, you’ve got a whole pot of boiling oil, just waiting for you to dump the entire entree into it.

Yum?

For the actual potholder patterns (and more snark!):

I don’t know what teapots have to do with deep-fried vegetation.

For that matter, I really don’t know why there’s a clock face on this teapot. And I really, really don’t know why there’s a world full of teapot-shaped clocks – or t-pocks, as they’re known to the kids these days.

The point is, these t-pocks can’t be used to make tea, or if they can, then they’re not functional clocks.

Plus, when you invite your mother-in-law to tea, you’re humiliated when you discover fairies are humping your t-pock. Again.

No. 3213
Materials Required–
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY
“PURITAN” MERCERIZED CROCHET
AND KNITTING COTTON

150 yds. White.

“STAR” PEARL COTTON, SIZE 5.

25 yds. Red.

Steel Crochet Hook No. 7.

With White, ch 28, turn and work 27 s c on ch, ch 1, turn.
2nd Row– 1 s c in each s c, ch 2, turn.
3rd Row– Skip 1 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, * ch 1, skip 1 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, repeat from * across row, ch 2, turn.
4th Row– 2 s c in 1st s c, ch 1, 2 s c in next s c, (an increase) * ch 1, skip 1 s c, 2 s c in next s c, repeat from * across row, ch 1, 2 s c in end ch, ch 2, turn.
5th Row– Skip 1 s c, 2 s c in next s c, * ch 1, skip 1 s c, 2 s c in next s c, repeat from * across row, ch 2, turn.
Repeat the 4th row.
7th, 8th & 9th Rows– Same as 5th row.
10th Row– Increase 1 pattern at beginning of row and 1 pattern at end of row then work 2 rows even in pattern.

And then pattern the pattern using the pattern until the entire pattern is patterned.

Wait, what was the pattern again?

Repeat the last 3 rows.
16th Row– Increase 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work 20 rows even in pattern.
37th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end of row, then work 3 rows even.
Repeat the last 4 rows.
45th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 2 rows even.
48th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 3 rows even.
52nd Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 2 rows even.
55th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 1 row even, break thread.
57th Row– With Red, skip 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 10 s c, ch 1, turn.
Next Row– 1 s c in each s c, ch 1, turn, skip 1 st, 1 s c in next st, 1 s d c in next st, (s d c; thread over, insert in st, pull through and work off all loops at one time) 1 d c in each of the next 4 sts, 1 s d c in next st, 1 s c in next st, break thread.

In the olden days, pattern books often had to invent their own abbreviations. These days “s d c” is more commonly known as “hdc” or a “half double crochet”.

Despite my usual preference for vintage things, I find hdc, rather less confusing than s d c which I can only presume translates as “single double crochet”. But you can’t be a single in a double unless you’re Barbara Mandrell.

SPOUT. With White, attach thread in first st at straight edge and working toward lower edge work 9 patterns across straight edge, ch 2, turn, work a pattern in each pattern increasing 1 pattern at end of row, ch 2, turn.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row then work 1 row even.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row.

I heard that the Star Potholder test crocheter was found dead in a locked room with “decrease one pattern at end of row” written over and over on all the walls – in blood. But I’m sure that was just a coincidence.

Next Row– Decrease one pattern at beginning of row.
Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row, break thread.
Work another section in the same manner.

Fortunately for the longevity of their dear readers, the Star Potholder editor has opted to eschew any further line-by-line instructions.

With Red, crochet the 2 sections together, starting at lower edge, work 1 s c in each s c across bottom, * ch 3, d c in same space, skip 1/8 inch space, s c in next st, repeat from * all around, break thread.
Thread Red into needle and work a row of outline st about 1 inch down from Red top. Work another outline st ¼ inch from lower edge and across side to separate the spout from the body. Draw a 3 ½ inch circle in center and work numerals on it as illustrated. Work a small solid circle in center of clock and work 2 hands using the lazy daisy st.

You do know how to embroider, correct? You wouldn’t be at this point in the pattern (which, of course, you read all the way through before embarking upon), if you didn’t know how to embroider.

Is that weeping I hear? I know what’ll cheer you up. A nice cup of tea!

Please be patient while I scrape the bird poo out of this upcycled t-pock.

HANDLE. With White, ch 37, and work 36 s c on ch, break thread.
Attach Red and work 1 s c in each s c working 3 s c at end, turn and working on other side of s c, work 1 s c in each of the next 7 s c, * skip 1 s c, s c in next s c, repeat from * 6 times, 1 s c in each remaining st, break thread leaving an end to sew.
Sew to potholder as illustrated.
LOOP. Wrap Red around small finger 3 times, remove from finger and work 20 s c over loop. Attach to top of potholder.

Faces, unlike clocks, actually make a certain amount of sense here. Who doesn’t love anthropomorphizing household objects? “How may I serve you?” we can imagine our teapot asking, in a hilarious British accent.

Of course, if teapots really could speak, it’d be more likely they’d shriek, “Why are you pouring out my BRAINNNNS?” Which would definitely put a damper on your next tea party.

No. 3214
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY
“DE LUXE: MERCERIZED CROCHET
AND KNITTING COTTON

155 yds. White. 35 yds. Red.

“STAR” SIX STRAND MERCERIZED
EMBROIDERY COTTON

3 yds. Black.

Steel Crochet Hook No. 7 or 8.

With White, ch 37 and work 36 s c on ch. (Turn each row.)
2nd Row– Ch 3, 2 d c in first s c, 1 d c in each s c, with 2 d c in last s c.
3rd Row– 2 d c in first d c, 1 d c in each remaining d c, with 2 d c in last d c.
Repeat 3rd row 10 more times.
14th to 17th Rows– 1 d c in each d c.

Unless it’s a zombie tea party!

18th to 22nd Rows– Decrease 1 st at the beginning and end of each row, remaining sts even. (Decrease; insert needle in first d c, pull thread through, insert needle in next d c, pull thread through, thread over and pull through 2 loops on needle, thread over and pull through remaining loops.)
23rd to 28th Rows– Decrease 2 sts at beginning and end of each row.
29th Row– Ch 1, decrease 1 st, 1 s c in next d c, 1 s d c in each of the next 3 d c, (s d c; thread over, insert in st, pull through and work off all loops at one time) 1 d c in each d c to within the last 6 d c, 1 s d c in each of the next 3 d c, 1 s c in next d c, then decrease 1 st.
Working down side of kettle, work 2 s c in each d c row, across lower edge work over entire st, 3 s c over first and last s c, 1 s c over each remaining st. Up opposite side work 2 s c in each d c row, 1 s c in each st across top, break thread.
With Red, work 1 row of s c all around, break thread. Work another section to correspond.
With Red, crochet the two sections together, ch 3, thread over, insert needle in same space with ch 3, pull thread through, thread over, insert needle in same space, pull thread through, thread over and pull through all loops on needle, * thread over, insert needle in next st, pull thread through, thread over, insert in same st, pull thread through, thread over and pull through all loops on needle, repeat from * all around, break thread.
HANDLES. With White, ch 32 and work 31 s c on ch. Attach Red and work 1 s c in each s c, ch 2, turn and work a row of puffs same as on kettle, break thread.

Is that what all that interminable threading over and inserting business was about? We were making “puffs”?

I just hope there’s no deep-frying involved as there was in making the parsley puffs. I refused to deep-fry my crochet, no matter how effective a batter-delivery system cotton yarn might be.

With Red, work an outline st for lid, starting at about the 5th row from top and working down to about the 8th row, then back to 5th on opposite side, then over the outline st work 1 row of s c, break thread.
Work s c over a small bone ring and attach to top of lid.
Embroider face as illustrated.

Wait a t-pock minute! The lid of the clock potholder didn’t require a bone ring, but this one does? But it’s not even included in the materials list.

That tears it! Who edited this rag, and where do they live?

Well, that explains a lot.

Click here for the printable pattern.
Click here for the parsley puffs recipe.

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The Boys of Summer!

By the He Sea and Ripple Poncho patterns from Aunt Lydia’s Rug Yarn Collection, c. 1970

You won’t find the “He Sea” on any map, but Aunt Lydia assures me that you’ll find these handsome beach bums right by it. And who am I to doubt Aunt Lydia? Sure, she wants to cover up our menfolk in heavy rug yarn for the summer, but that doesn’t mean she’s completely delusional.

I think this He Sea is totally worth checking out. The photo above proves that it’s packed with hot (especially in that poncho), sweaty (very sweaty in polyester beachwear), clean cut gentlemen who are on the lookout for lady friends.

Why else would they book a vacation at the He Sea? They took one look at the name and knew it would be the perfect place to play beach volleyball and just hang out with other macho men in sexy rippled ponchos… er, before picking up bikini-clad babes.

Just like the Lords South Beach Hotel in Miami Beach, another resort with a manly name, I bet the He Sea also attracts the ladies men with stay-naked dining service and bonfire disco parties.

Aunt Lydia assures me that they’re discussing their new girlfriends.

For the complete patterns – yes, all three of them (and three times the snark!):

SLIP OVER

Wow, I had no idea that spray tanning was popular in 1970.

SIZES: Small, Medium, Large

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD “AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN
4 (5, 5) – 70 Yd. skeins Spice

Because he’s spicy!

5 (6, 6) – 70 Yd. skeins White
1 Pr. Knitting Needles No. 10 ½ OR ANY SIZE NEEDLES WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW

GAUGE: 3 sts = 1 inch
Directions are given for Small size. Changes for Medium and Large sizes are given in parentheses.

MEASUREMENTS: Width across front or back at underarm 21’’, 22 ½’’, 23 ½’’.

BACK: With Spice, cast on 42 (45, 48) sts. (Work in stripes of 6 rows Spice and 4 rows White.) Starting with a P row work in stockinette st (P 1 row, K 1 row) inc 2 sts at the beg and end of every K row 5 times, 62 (65, 68) sts. Work even until there are 9 complete White stripes. Work 1 row Spice.

His skin tone certainly resembles my Aunt’s Pumpkin Spice Cake.

SHAPE ARMHOLES: Bind off 4 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st at beg of next 3 rows (this completes Spice stripe), cut Spice. NEXT ROW: Attach White and use for entire yoke. Dec 1 st at beg of row. NEXT 2 ROWS: Dec 1 st at beg of each row. Work even until armholes measure 9 (9 ½, 10) inches. SHAPE SHOULDERS AND NECK: Bind off 7 (8, 8) sts, work across 9 (9, 10) sts and place on holder. Bind off next 16 (17, 18) sts for neck, work across remaining 16 (17, 18) sts. Working one shoulder at a time. Bind off 7 (8, 8) sts, work across row. NEXT ROW Dec 1 st at neck edge, work across. Bind off remaining 8 (8, 9) sts. Attach yarn at neck edge, dec 1 st, work across row. NEXT ROW: Bind off remaining sts.

FRONT: Work same as Back until armholes measure 5 ¼ (5 ½, 6) inches. SHAPE NECK: Work across 18 (19, 20) sts and place on holder, bind off next 12 (13, 14) sts for neck, work across remaining 18 (19, 20) sts. Working one shoulder at a time, dec 1 st at neck every other row twice; 16 (17, 18) sts. Work even until armhole measures same as back. SHAPE SHOULDER: Bind off 7 (8, 8) sts at armhole edge, work across. NEXT ROW: Dec 1 st at neck edge, work across. Bind off remaining stitches. Work other shoulder to correspond.

Gondor has no pants. Gondor needs no pants!

Viking helmet optional, but if you’re going to wear a mini and slather on the pumpkin spice bronzer, you might as well go full Boromir.

FINISHING: Steam and block sections. Weave 1 shoulder seam. With wrong side facing, attach White at neck opening, pick up and K 1 st in each st all around neck. K 1 row, bind off loosely. Weave other shoulder. With White and wrong side facing, work edge around each armhole same as neck. Weave 1 side seam. With White and wrong side facing, attach yarn at opening and complete lower edge same as neck. Weave other side seams. Turn all edges to right side and tack in place. Steam edges.

Tack and steam those edges all you want, they’re still going to roll up and expose your man’s tushie.

You’ll have to decide for yourself if that’s a bad thing.

LACED TANK TOP

Because the medieval page look suits middle-aged men so well.

SIZES: Small, Medium, Large

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD “AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN
4 (4, 5) – 70 yd. skeins Bongo – Color B

Hey, it’s our old friend Bongo again!In 1965, Aunt Lydia believed that the colour of African antelopes and Disney circus bears was best suited to placemats. By 1970, she was recommending it for beach attire. Granted, this top looks like a bunch of placemats stitched together, but still I suspect that Aunt Lydia was in the pay of Big Bongo.

3 (3, 3) – 70 yd. skeins Orange – Color C
2 (2, 3) – 70 yd. skeins Antique – Color A
1 Pr. Knitting Needles No. 10 ½ OR ANY SIZE NEEDLES WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW
Plastic Crochet Hook Size H

GAUGE: 3 sts = 1 inch

MEASUREMENTS: Width across front or back at underarm: 20’’, 21’’, 22’’ (each section)

Directions are given for small size. Changes for medium and large sizes are given in parentheses.

Word of advice: Have safe search on before attempting to do internet research on Big Bongos.

NOTE: When changing colors always pick up yarn from under 1st color thus crossing yarn to prevent a hole.

BACK: With color A, cast on 40 (44, 48) sts. K 3 rows. NEXT ROW: With Color A K 4 (border), with color B, K 32 (36, 40) sts, attach another skein of color A (for other border), K 4. NEXT ROW: K 4 color A, P 32 (36, 40) color B, K 4 color A. NEXT ROW: K 4 color A, with color B inc 1 st in next st (to inc: K 1 in usual manner, then K in back of same K st), K to within last st of color B; inc as follows: K 1 st in row below, K last st (the inc on the right will slant to right, the inc on left will slant left), K 4 color A. Repeat last 2 rows until there are 56 (60, 64) color B sts.

Don’t overlook the instructions to make the stitches slant off in different directions. Otherwise, your stylish Bongo Babe Magnet top will end up resembling a piece of African Antelope poop.

NEXT 2 ROWS: K 2 border sts tog at each end before and after color B. Continue in established pattern having only 2 A border sts at each end until section measures 10 inches above lower border on wrong side, cut color B. NEXT 4 ROWS: With color A K across all sts. NEXT ROW: K 2 color A, attach color C and K to within 2 sts, K 2 color A. Continue in established border sts and stockinette st (P 1 row, K 1 row) for 10 inches, ending on wrong side, cut color C. NEXT 3 ROWS: With Color A K across all sts. ARMHOLE SHAPING: Bind off 4 sts at beg of next row, K across row. NEXT ROW: Bind off 4 sts, K 4 sts (border), attach color B, K 44 (48, 52) sts, attach color A, K 4 sts (border); 52 (56, 60) sts on needle. NEXT ROW: K 4 color A, P 44 (48, 52) sts color B, K 4 color A. NEXT ROW: (Dec): K 4, K 2 tog, K to within last 6 sts, K 2 tog, K 4; 50 (54, 58) sts. Repeat last 2 rows twice; 46 (50, 54) sts. Work even in established colors until armhole measures 9 (9 ½, 10) inches from 1st armhole bind off, ending on wrong side of work. SHAPE SHOULDER: Work across 12 (12, 12) sts, turn; work back. Repeat last 2 rows once. NEXT ROW: Bind off 6 sts in matching colors, cut A, K to end of row. NEXT ROW: P 6, bind off. NECK BAND: With right side facing, attach color A and K across row to within last 12 sts (all sizes), turn. NEXT 5 ROWS: K across these neck sts only, bind off, cut A. 2nd SHOULDER: Attach color B in 1st st of other shoulder and work to correspond, reversing shaping. With blunt needle, weave neck band at each side to shoulder edges.

Word of advice: Have safe search on before attempting to do internet research on African Antelope po—Actually, don’t. Just don’t research it.

FRONT: Work same as back to armhole shaping, ending with 3 rows of color A. ARMHOLE SHAPING: Bind off 4 sts at beg of next row, K to end of row. NEXT ROW: Bind off 4 sts, K 4 color A, K 20 (22, 24) color B, attach A and K 2 for center border. Leave remaining sts on needle to be worked later, turn. Working in established colors, dec 1 st at armhole edge every other row same as back; at the same time work 1st eyelet for front lacing on 5th row (eyelet: Work across row to within last 4 sts of center, K 2 tog, YO, K 2). Work 2 more eyelets in same manner every 2 inches. Work even until section measures 6 inches from 1st armhole bind off, ending on wrong side.

Besides the colour of this beach top more closely resembles Blue Whale poop. No, seriously.

Don’t ever say you haven’t learned anything from this blog.

NEXT ROW: K 4 color A, K 11 color B (all sizes), cut color A. At center, attach color A to color B and work remaining 8 (10, 12) sts of neck band and border, ending at front edge. NEXT ROW: K across 8 (10, 12) color A sts, with color B, P 2 tog, P across to border, K 4. Repeat last 2 rows twice; at the same time when there are 3 ridges at neck edge bind off 4 (6, 8) sts at neck edge. Then work 4 border sts at each end with color A and 8 center sts in color B. Work in established pattern until armhole measures same as back. SHAPE SHOULDERS: With matching colors, bind off 8 sts at beg of armhole edge, turn. Attach color A at center front and work other side to correspond reversing shaping and eyelets.

Clearly, the pattern editor is too grossed out by the Bongo/Whale Poop resemblance to instruct you on how to bind off the remaining stitches.

FINISHING: Block each section to size. Weave shoulder and side seams matching stripes. With color C make a chain about 30 inches long and lace through eyelets as illustrated.

Ripple Poncho

This is the Rippled Poncho Ted Bundy would wear.

One size fits all

Serial killers.

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD “AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN
1 – 180 yd. skein each of any 5 colors or
3 – 70 yd. skeins each of any 5 colors
Aluminum Crochet Hook Size K OR ANY SIZE HOOK WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW

All that shouting is just to distract you from the promise that you can use “any 5 colors”. Spoiler alert: It’s a lie.

GAUGE: 2 sts = 1 inch; 2 rows = 1 inch

1st ROW: With Rust ch 119, s c in 2nd st from hook, 1 s c in each of the next 5 sts, * 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in each of the next 6 sts, skip 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 6 sts, repeat from * 6 times, 3 s c in next st, 1 s c in remaining 6 sts, ch 1 to turn all rows.

See? I told you it was a filthy lie! You’re to begin with Rust, and only Rust!

2nd ROW: Working in back loop of all sts throughout skip 1 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 6 s c, * 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 6 s c, skip 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 6 s c, repeat from * 6 times, 3 s c in next s c, 1 s c in each of the next 5 s c, skip 1 s c, working in both loops of st, 1 s c in last s c, ch 1, turn. Repeat last row throughout working 2 rows each Rust, Brown, Bongo, Antique and Yellow, cutting all colors at end of each 2nd row. (When changing colors always complete last half of st with next color). Repeat last 10 rows once more (20 rows in all).

Long story short, you can use any five colours so long as they are Rust, Brown, Bongo, Antique and Yellow.

Although to be fair, these were the only five colours people were allowed to wear in 1970.

Solid, baby!

NECK OPENING: Work in established pattern and colors across 4 points only, ch 1, turn. Work across these 4 points for 20 rows. Attach yarn at center and work across the remaining 4 points in same manner until there are 20 rows; then work across all 8 points for 20 more rows in colors as established, cut yarn.

COLLAR: Attach Yellow at neck edge in last of short rows, work 1 s c in each row increasing 1 st every 4th row (50 s c) around neck, join and ch 1 to turn each row. Working in back loop of remaining sts work 2 rows Yellow, 2 rows Antique, 2 rows 2 Rows Bongo, and 2 rows Brown, join, cut yarn.

Now drape your criminal in this rug yarn poncho, so he’ll be too overheated to outrun the fuzz.

You may also want to crochet up some matching hand-cuffs.

Because revenge is a dish best served cold, but Justice should always be warm and fuzzy.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

The Zombies of Summer!

The good news is that a small (but feisty) Canadian publisher has expressed interest in my 2009 3-Day Novel Alice’s Adventures with Welsh Zombies. As the novel is about 20,000 words short of being ... well, a novel, I’ve spent the past two months writing my still beating heart out.

The bad news is that I haven’t had time to devote to Handmade by Mother. I haven’t even been knitting! Fact is, needles and hooks will not protect you when zombies invade your yarn stash!

However, my love of tacky vintage knits and crochets remains as strong as my love of kitschy zombies. So, I promise to write at least one post a month.

After all, I know what will happen if I let Handmade by Mother die...


The blog will come back and eat my brains!

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Apple Pie Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

“Apple Pie Order” from Knick-Knacks to Crochet, 1939

Keep your linen closet neat as a pin with these crocheted bands that put pillow cases, single and double sheets in their places. Weighted tips.

My linen closet doesn’t look like this. My mother’s linen closet doesn’t look like this, and she grew up when Neatness was next to Godliness.

Please note, these sheets aren’t just labeled, they’ve also been starched. Not because starching makes sheets more comfortable – I’m getting itchy-twitchy just looking at the photo. However, sacrificing a good night’s sleep was considered a small price to pay so you could fold hospital corners sharp enough to cut yourself on.

Uh oh, my Mother just exclaimed, “Sweetie, these would be the perfect gift for Mother’s Day. You start crocheting, and I’ll get the starch!”

Excuse me while I go put a padlock on my linen closet.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

APPLE PIE ORDER
No. 9099

Materials: CLARK’S O.N.T. or J. & P. COATS PEARL COTTON, size 5, 4 balls of any color.
CLARK’S O.N.T. or J. & P. COATS SIX STRAND EMBROIDERY FLOSS, 2 skeins of a contrasting colour.
MILWARD’S steel crochet hook No. 7 or 8.

Starting at narrow end, ch 13. 1st row: Tr in 5th ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch 4, turn. 2nd row: Tr between 1st and 2nd tr, * tr between this and next tr. Repeat from * across. Ch 4, turn. Repeat 2nd row until piece measures 28 inches.

Or until you go insane.

Ch 1, turn. Next row: S c in each st across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat this row until piece measures 1 yd. in all. Fasten off. Make 2 more pieces like this.

Seriously, is the quest for perfect domestic order really worth your sanity?

My Mother just said, “Yes!”

But it was a rhetorical question!

Sew a lead weight to end of s c-sections, turning up corners.

That’s not a typo, it really says “c-sections”. And not just any “c-sections”, they’re S-shaped c-sections.

Because suffering through major abdominal surgery in order to bring a new precious life into the world is absolutely the same thing as suffering through hours and hours of tedious crocheting in order to bring a new useless craft into your home.

Of course, crocheting linen bands isn’t the only thing just like giving birth. So is successful blogging, felting a dozen scarves, and installing Fallout 3.

Embroidery . . . Embroider the s c-sections with Six Strand, using cross stitch for the words “PILLOWS,” “SINGLE” and “DOUBLE”.

Doctors call it “suturing”, but that’s just a fancy-schmancy medical name for plain ol’embroidery.

Be sure to boil your embroidery thread for fifteen minutes before embarking upon your c-section. Afterwards, promptly clean the blood up off your kitchen linoleum. If it gets under the baseboards, you’ll just end up attracting ants.

Don’t ask me how I know that.

Now you’re ready to iron the starch into your sheets. Although, considering it’s Mother’s Day, you should really ask the man about the house to do it for you.

Or not.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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The Belle Tolls for Thee

Sweet and Low Sweater from Gay Teen Ideas, 1944

Sweet and Low Perfectly dee-vine dancing partner. Rings the Belle every time and keeps ‘em coming back for more.

Rings the BELLE?

My goodness, is that code for naughty1940s nookie? It sure was by 1979!

Glamour-minded rugcutters please note the definitely P.M. neck-line, low and square; the come hitherish black velvet ribbons here, there and everywhere.

Come hither to my waist, collar and sleeves, but no higher and most definitely no lower! A proper young lady reserves all belle and bell ringing to the third date.

Make it in cherry and whee, what a flutter you raise at your next party.

“Golly gee whiz, Dick. I don’t know why no one else showed up. I guess you’re my only guest. Let’s put a record on!”

“Donna, I really want to go home.”

“Don’t be silly! I’ve dead bolted all the doors, cut the phone lines and dynamited the only bridge off this property. So, do you like my sweater? I knitted it myself!”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Hey, it looks like some other young ladies have launched a rescue mission to save poor Dick! Unfortunately, instead of arming themselves with the traditional torches and pitchforks, they’ve chosen bulrushes. Donna will make short work of them with just one Benny Goodman record.

Incidently, ringing your bell is also British slang for bashing someone’s brains in.

No. 2054

Materials: CHADWICK’S RED HEART WOOL FLOSS (2 ply), 5 balls (1 oz. balls) for Size 12; 6 balls for Size 14; 7 balls for Size 16.
Bone Knitting Pins, 1 pair No. 3.

Because nothing knits the crazy into a garment like real BONE needles.

Donna hand-carved them herself after a night of particularly unsatisfying bell ringing.

8 yards of narrow velvet ribbon for each size.
Buttons – see Directions of Right Back.

Wait, why can’t you just tell us now? Why all the suspense? It’s a knitting pattern, for heaven’s sake, not a murder mystery.

Not yet, anyway.

Snap fasteners.

BLOCKING MEASUREMENTS:

SIZES: 12 (14, 16)

Bust: 31 (33, 35)’’
Width across front at armholes: 16 (17, 18)’’
Width across front between armholes: 12 (12 ½, 13)’’

Pay attention! The AT armholes measurement is four to five inches wider than the BETWEEN armholes measurement.

An extra four to five inches is essential to successful bell ringing.

Length from top of shoulder: 18 (18 ½, 19)’’
Length of side seam: 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’
Width across each back at armhole: 7 ¾ (8 ¼, 8 ¾)’’
Width across each back above armhole shaping: 6 ½ (6 ¾, 7)’’
Width of sleeve at upper arm: 12 (12, 13)’’

I have no idea why we’re doing all this measuring. After all, this sweater hangs off Donna like a potato sack giving her all the sex appeal of a mashed potato.

If only she’d used a different pattern, Donna wouldn’t have needed to lock Dick up in her LP love den.

GAUGE: 7 sts make 1 inch; 10 rows make 1 inch.

SIZES: 12 (14, 16)

FRONT . . . Starting at waistband, cast on 95 (100, 105) sts.
1st and 2nd rows: P across. 3rd row: *K 3, k 2 tog, 0. Repeat from * across, ending with K 5. 4th row: P across. Repeat these 4 rows 2 more times (3 rows of eyelets made). Now work in stockinette st (k 1 row, p 1 row), increasing 1 st at both ends of next row and on 1 row every inch thereafter until there are on needle 111 (118, 125) sts. Work straight until piece measures in all 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’.
To Shape Armholes: Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 2 rows and 2 sts at beginning of following 6 rows. Dec 1 st at end of each row until there remain on needle 85 (90, 95) sts. With right side facing, repeat 1st to 4th rows incl of waistband 3 times (3 rows of eyelets made). Work in stockinette st and continue. Next row: Work across 28 (30, 32) sts. Bind off (purling the sts) for front of neck, the next 29 (30, 31) sts. Work across remaining 28 (30, 32) sts. Work straight over this last set of sts only until piece measures from 1st row of armhole shaping 7 (7, 7 ½)’’.
To Shape Shoulder: Starting at armhole edge, bind off 6 sts on every other row until there remain 4 (6, 8) sts. Starting at same edge, bind off. Attach arm at opposite side of neck edge and work other side to correspond.

Now for the pièce de résistance... this sweater buttons down the back. How fantastically “come-hitherish”! After all, Donna can’t get out of her own sweater by herself.

Come to think of it, she can’t put it on by her lonesome either. She must have a man-servant chained in the basement for such troublesome tasks.

LEFT BACK . . . Starting at waistband, cast on 45 (50, 55) sts. Work same as Front until the 12 rows of waistband are complete. Next row: K across. Following row: P across to last 6 sts, k 6 (center back band). Continue in stockinette st, keeping the 6 sts of back band in garter st (k each row), increasing 1 st at side edge on next row and every 9th row thereafter until there are on needle 54 (58, 62) sts. Work straight until piece measures in all 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’.
To Shape Armholes: Starting at side edge, bind off 5 sts once. Then dec 1 st at armhole edge on every other row until there remain 45 (47, 49) sts. Work straight until piece measures from 1st row of armhole shaping 7 (7, 7 ½)’’.
To Shape Shoulder: Starting at armhole edge bind off 6 sts on every other row 4 times. Starting at same edge, bind off 4 (6, 8) sts. Starting at same edge, bind off remaining 17 sts for back of neck.

Hurray! We’ve finally arrived at the Right Back, and the top secret number of buttons we need will be revealed...

RIGHT BACK . . . Work to correspond with Left Back, making a buttonhole 2 sts in from back edge when piece measures from last row of waistband 1 ( ½, 1)’’ and, measuring from 1st buttonhole, every inch thereafter until there are 16 (17, 17) buttonholes in all – to make a buttonhole, on one row bind off 2 sts and on next row cast on 2 sts to replace those bound off.

Well, that was a let down. Why on earth couldn’t they have just said in the materials list: 16 to 17 buttons? Why make us search through the pattern to learn that?

Although... buttons have also been used as slang for, ahem, a lady’s bell. Perhaps, this was a successful attempt to thwart the knitting pattern censors.

SLEEVES . . . Starting at lower edge, cast on 85 (85, 90) sts. Work first 4 rows same as Front (1 row of eyelets made). Now work in stockinette st until piece measures in all 2 ½ (2 ½, 3)’’.
To Shape Top: Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 2 rows. Dec 1 st at both ends of every 3rd row until 69 sts remain.

Heh. They said 69!

Dec 1 st at end of each row until 55 sts remain. Bind off 3 sts at beginning of each row until 19 sts remain. Bind off.

Press pieces through damp cloth. Sew underarm and shoulder seams. Sew sleeve seams and sew sleeves in. Cut two 23-inch pieces of ribbon and run through eyelets of sleeve. Tie ends in bows. Cut three 27-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack one end of each piece to wrong side of Right Back at beginning of each row of eyelets at waist. Run these pieces of ribbon in and out of eyelets to desired position on left side of Front. Cut three 20-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack one end of each piece to wrong side of Left Back at beginning of each row of eyelets at waist. Run ribbon through eyelets to meet previous ribbons. Tie ends in bows. Cut three 20-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack ends at armhole edge on wrong side of Right Front eyelets. Run ribbon through eyelets to position above waist bows. Cut three 12-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack on wrong side of Left Front eyelets. Run ribbon through eyelets to meet previous ribbons. Tie ends in bows. Sew on buttons to correspond with buttonholes. Sew snap fasteners to close waistband at back. Work a row of sc along entire neck edge.

If you’re wondering how Donna intends this evening to draw to a close, just take a look at the page facing the Sweet and Low Sweater pattern.

By the way, S is the first initial of Dick’s last name, not Donna’s.

“See, Dick? We absolutely, positively must get married! I’ve already monogrammed everything in the house!”

In desperation, Dick threw himself out the window and made a run for it. He might have made it too, if it hadn’t been for the monogrammed land mines.

Not the Happy Ending Donna had in mind for her Dick. But on the bright side, she did get enough material for a brand new set of bone needles.

Click here for the printable pattern.
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You Never Forget your First Time…

Knitted Place Mats from Aunt Lydia’s Heavy Rug Yarn, c. 1965

Yes, the first time a new bride welcomes her husband into her most private sanctum is a nerve-racking affair. It’s that magical moment when, with trembling hands … dare I say it … she sets the table for breakfast.

That’s right, what happens in your breakfast nook is far more important to your marital bliss than all that neurotic nudity in the bridal boudoir. So, there’s no such thing as too much attention to detail here. Note how perfectly the place mats have been aligned, and how the spoons have been arranged with precision behind the cups, each of them filled exactly three quarters of an inch from the rim. A ruler is a newlywed’s best friend – so long it’s kept out of the bedroom!

See how everything on the table has been carefully labeled? Heaven knows, otherwise a silly girl might end up stuffing the napkins into the jam jar, storing the jelly in her bra, and the bridal brunch would descend into chaos, pure CHAOS!

Ahem. Of course, it’s anyone’s guess how the newly-minted housewife was supposed to get the jelly out of that impractically shaped jelly-jar, much less clean it afterwards. But then again, tears and recriminations are naturally a part of a girl’s first time.

For the complete pattern (if you can even call it a “pattern”):

Knitted Place Mats
Simple and Quick to Make

For once, there’s absolutely nothing misleading about this description. These placemats are incredibly simple to make.

In fact, they’re so simple, that if you skip the “bind off” part of the instructions and just keep going, you’ll end up with a Dr. Who Scarf!

I’m a bit obsessed with Time Lord accessories right now, because I’m actually working on one for my son. Which he WILL wear! Because after thirteen years he’s learned to respect (and fear) the phrase “Handmade by Mother”.

No, that’s not my son.

10 ½ x 18 Inches

Materials Required:

AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN

If you’re determined to break Aunt Lydia’s heart by using an inferior product, I strongly recommend Red Heart Supersaver. Not only is it inexpensive and hypoallergenic, Red Heart will give your placemats a nice scratchy texture guaranteed to keep your kids’ elbows off the table!

7 – 70 yd. skeins Bongo
2 – 70 yd. skeins Lt. Yellow will make 4 mats

Wait – what the heck is a “Bongo”?

Yes, but an African antelope seems like an unlikely inspiration for a 1960s, whitebread place setting.

Ah ha! Bongo was also the name of a Disney circus bear who wore a red jacket with yellow stripes.

I assume that after the designer turned Bongo’s jacket into a place mat, she used the rest of him as a kitschy living room decoration.

1 Pr. Knitting Needles No. 9 or ANY SIZE WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW
GAUGE: 4 sts = 1 inch

ALWAYS CHECK YOUR GAUGE! THE GAUGE IS GOD! IF YOUR PLACEMATS ARE TOO SMALL OR LARGE YOU’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!

No pressure.

NOTE: Entire mat is worked in garter st (K each row).
With Bongo cast on 42 sts. NEXT 10 ROWS: K across each row, drop Bongo. Then work as follows: 10 rows Lt. Yellow, 76 rows Bongo, 10 rows Lt. Yellow, 10 rows Bongo. Bind off.
Block to measurements.
Work 3 more mats in same manner.

Of course, even if you get THE ALL IMPORTANT GAUGE right, you’re still condemned to the mind-numbingly, tedious hell of making these place mats. And staring at them every morning over your cup of coffee will cause many of your brain cells die of sheer boredom.

Still, there’s worse ways to cause brain damage over breakfast!

Click here for the printable pattern. (Hah!)

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