Pompon Therapy

Pompon Chick from Bazaar Time, c. 1965

Pompon chick design supplied by the County Borough of Brighton Occupational Therapy Dept.

Yes, this unique pompon chick design was actually donated to Bazaar Time by the Brighton Occupational Therapy Department of the Brighton County Borough Asylum! There’s no indication whether they also provided the yummy lollipops.

Clearly, the OT Dept. of the Brighton Asylum felt that non-institutionalized crafters, like the institutionalized mentally ill, could benefit from pompon Art Therapy.

Doesn’t this look like a fun place to live? Why I can just imagine all the inmates happily making pompon chicks.

My mentally ill friend enthusiastically agrees that group therapy in her hospital would have been much more entertaining if she’d been able to pelt her fellow inmates with pompon animals.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Pompon Chick

Materials
3 (50 g) balls in Beau Blue 0350 and 2 (50 g) balls Snow White 504 Patons Double Knitting.

Pieces of felt as follows:–
Red 6 x 4 in. (15 x 10 cm); Yellow 3 x 2 in. (7 x 5 cm); Black and White 2 in. (5 cm) square.

Measurement

Height 7 in. (18 cm)

Chicken is made from two woolly balls.

You might suppose the instructions end right here. After all, there isn’t much more to say. Slap two pompons together, stick felt feet and eyes on it, and you’re done!

Not so fast!

Professional therapists know that the mentally ill cannot be trusted with free form crafting.

Damn their uncrushed spirits!

Of course, one might question the wisdom of giving the mentally ill sharp objects and encouraging them to stick them into what appears to be an eyeball.

But no matter what TV shows like Criminal Minds tell you, remember, the vast majority of mentally ill people are NOT violent.

Don’t make my mentally ill friend smack you.

Cut two circles of card 5 in. (13 cm) diameter for body with centre hole 2 ¼ in. (6 cm) diameter, diagram 1 A. Place circles together and thread a blunt-ended needle with a long length each of Blue and White yarn. Thread yarns round circles until centre hole if filled, diagram 1 B. Cut round outer edge of circles between cards, diagram 1 C. Tie a double length of yarn tightly round centre, knotting securely, diagram 1 D. Do not cut off the ends. Remove cards and clip away any uneven ends of pom pon.

Word keeps autocorrecting my typing, so if any of the pom pons in this pattern have been replaced with pomp on, don’t blame me.

Evidently Word likes to get its pomp on.

Just like this fellow!

Click the link, you won’t regret it.

For Head, cut two circles of card 4 in. (10 cm) diameter with centre hole 1 ¾ in. (4 cm) diameter and, using Blue yarn only, make pom pon as described for Body.

Finish – Tie the two pom pons firmly together, then tie remaining ends of yarn for hanging.

Goodness, the chick’s not even assembled yet, and we’re already being told to hang it? I’m no occupational art therapist, but I don’t think it’s healthy to have the mentally ill make cute suicidal animals.

Trace outlines of Feet, Beak and Eyes from diagrams and cut out and draw round each shape on appropriate pieces of felt as follows:

Feet (2) and Tongue (5) on Red; Beak (4) on Yellow; Eye (1) twice on White and Iris (3) twice on Black. Using rubber solution, stick the features and feet in position, see photograph. Fold Beak in half and insert tongue, sticking straight edge of tongue to fold of beak.

I also thought occupational therapists weren’t supposed to encourage OCD behaviour in their patients, but clearly I’m not a professional.

After all, I wouldn’t think it would be a good idea to give the mentally ill this kind of equipment to play with, either.

Oh wait, my mentally ill friend says she thinks this kind of Art Therapy is a great idea. She suggests leaving her alone with the writers of Criminal Minds for an hour or two, and she’ll make them some crafts they’ll never forget!

Or did she say make them INTO some crafts?

Uh oh.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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The World is Going to Hell in a Handbag!

Initial Knitting Bag from Star Variety Show, 1942

And this is the only purse that’s Hellspawn approved for carrying damned souls into the fiery pit.

Yes, you’d think demons would have more attractive accessories for the Apocalypse. But even the most ignorant imp knows that one glimpse of that big fuzzy H will cause the hardiest housewife to abandon all hope.

Now, I’m no theologian, so I don’t know why Satan’s spawn would want a handbag that doubles as a dust mop. I suppose paving the road to Hell with good intentions can be dusty work. However, everyone knows that Swiffers are the preferred cleaning tool of the dark side.

April Fools! It’s actually a prank knitting bag not a demonic purse!

Of course, this pattern’s a prank. No one would seriously want to dust their home with a knitting bag.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

INITIAL KNITTING BAG – No. 2116
Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “GEM” COTTON YARN.

6 Skeins Light Henna or any Color desired.

As long as that colour is bland. Attractive knitting bags are just asking to be stolen. And personalizing it with your initial will not protect you from every Helen, Hazel and Harriet with a police record.

Bone Crochet Hook Number 4 or 5.

Front. Ch 45 and work 44 s c on ch, ch 1, turn and work 23 more rows of s c.

The irony of a crocheted knitting bag is not lost on me. However, it all makes perfect sense as long as you remember this rubric:

Rock smashes scissors
Scissors cut paper
Paper disproves Spock
Spock sells Crochet
Crochet smothers Knitting
Knitting yarn bombs Rock

25th Row. Decrease 1 st at both ends and work 1 row even. Repeat the last 2 rows 7 times, break yarn and work a second section.

Gusset. Ch 4 and work 3 s c on ch, ch 1, turn. Work 8 more rows of s c even.

Next Row. * Increase 1 st and work 8 rows even. Repeat from * twice.

Next Row. Increase 1 st and work 30 rows even. Next row. Decrease 1 st, then decrease 1 st every 9th row 3 times.

In 1942, the bigger the knitting bag the better. No undersized knitting bag/dust mop was going to defeat Hitler.

Tufting. Cut strands 2 inches long, take 24 strands for each tuft and tie about 1 inch apart around edges of both sides of bag.

Initial. Outline with a basting thread the letter desired. Cut strands 1½ inches long, take 24 strands for each tuft and place about ½ inch apart.

Tufting is natural. Tufting is good. Not everybody tufts, but everybody should.

Shoulder Cord. Ch 5, 1 s c in each ch. Next row, 1 s c in each s c. Without joining rows, repeat this row until cord measures 35 inches or is length desired.

Is length desired? Probably, but don’t crochet a long enough rope to hang yourself.

Sew gusset in position. Sew shoulder cord to each side at gusset. Make ten 5 ch loops leaving an end to sew to bag for drawstring. Sew loops starting in second row about 3 inches apart.

Drawstring. Make a ch about 26 inches long, lace through loops and finish with a knot at each end.

That’s right, no zippers. All metal was needed for the war effort. And no lining either, because our brave boys at the front need silky underwear.

Yes, that meant the knitting needles stuck out the sides of the bag. Which made it an excellent weapon for beating up Nazis.

In wartime, every little bit helps!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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I’m Too Sexy for My Squares!

The Ripple Granny Jacket and Hat from Crochet with Squares, 1974

With apologies to Right Said Fred… whaddaya mean, who’s Right Said Fred?!



I’m too sexy for my followers, too sexy for my followers
Please, followers don’t leave me!

I’m too sexy for my jacket, too sexy for my jacket
So sexy I can’t hack it
I’m too sexy for the ski lodge, too sexy for the ski lodge
Bates Motel or Econo Lodge

And I’m too sexy for this post
Too sexy for this post
No way I’m ceasing and desisting!

I’m a granny square model, you know what I mean
I’d give my eye teeth to do a turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk
I’d kill my grandma to shake my tush on the catwalk

I’m too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat
There’s no denying that
And I'm too sexy to crochet, too sexy to crochet
I’d rather wear a toupee!

Cos I’m a granny square model, with grannies I’m seen
As I model in Wallmart instead of a catwalk
Oh, in Wallmart, in Wallmart
I got arrested for shaking my little tush in Wallmart.

I’m too sexy for Blogger, too sexy for Blogger
Twitter, Facebook and Blogher
I’m too sexy for my followers, too sexy for my followers
My followers are all going to leave me!

I’m too sexy for this blog.

For the complete too sexy pattern (and more too sexy snark):

THE RIPPLE GRANNY

I suppose those are ripples of granny squares, if by ripples you mean jagged clumps of potholders.

Sorry, I meant sexy, jagged clumps of sexy potholders.

SIZES: 10-12; 14-16 Directions are given for size 10-12. Changes for 14-16 are given in parentheses (for Jacket). Directions for hat in one size, it adjusts to fit.

MATERIALS NEEDED:

4 ply Synthetic yarn or Knitting Worsted (4 oz. skeins)
6 (7) skeins Color 1 (Royal Blue)
2 (3) skeins Color 2 (Green)
1 (2) skeins Color 3 (White)
1 (1) skeins each Color 4 (Yellow) and Color 5 (Red) or any 5 color combination may be substituted.
G (G) Aluminum or #6 (6) Plastic Crochet Hook for Squares and
F (F) Aluminum or #5 (5) Plastic Crochet Hook for Collar and Bands.

I hope I don’t have to warn you of the dire consequences should you attempt this pattern with a non-synthetic, organic yarn and a bamboo hook.

Remember this pattern booklet is called Crochet with Squares, not Crochet with Hippy-Dippy Tree Huggers.

JACKET (Size 10-12)
GAUGE: Each square measures 3½”.

SQUARE #1: Make 59
RND 1: With Color 1 (Royal Blue) and large hook ch 4, sl st in 4th st from hook to form a ring, ch 3, 2 dc in ring, * ch 3, 3 dc in ring, rep from * twice, ch 3, sl st in top of ch 3 to join.
RND 2: Ch 3, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop (corner shell), rep from * twice, (3 dc, ch 3, 2 dc) in last ch 3 loop, sl st in top of ch 3 to join (ch 3 at beg of row counts as 1 dc).
RND 3: Ch 3, 2 dc in space between ch 3 and next 3 dc group, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, 3 dc in next space between 3 dc loop, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.

Perhaps a better name for this pattern booklet would be Crochet with Brackets, or Crochet with 3 dc. Crochet Yourself into a Coma would be cruel, but fair.

SQUARE #2: Make 34
RND 1: With Color 5 (Red) same as RND 1 of SQUARE #1, break off.
RND 2: Join Color 4 (Yellow) with sl st in 1st ch 3 loop, ch 3, (2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same loop with sl st, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, rep from * around, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.
RND 3: Join Color 2 (Green) with sl st in 1st ch 3 loop, ch 3, (2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same loop as sl st, * 3 dc in space between next two 3 dc groups, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, rep from * around, end with 3 dc in space between last two 3 dc groups, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.

SQUARE #3: Make 29
RND 1: Same as RND 1 of SQUARE #2.
RND 2: Use Color 2 (Green), work same as RND 2 of SQUARE #2.
RND 3: Use Color 3 (White), work same as RND 3 of SQUARE #2.

Thou shalt not make this pattern more interesting by altering the order of these holy SQUARES! First, thou shalt create all 56 of SQUARE #1. Thou shalt not crochet 29 of SQUARE #3, excepting that you have already completed 34 of SQUARE #2.

Making up your own SQUARE #5 is right out.

TRIANGLE #1: Make 24
ROW 1: With Color 1 (Blue) ch 4, sl st in 4th st from hook to form ring, ch 4, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in ring, work 1 tr in ring.
ROW 2: Ch 4, turn, 2 dc in first tr, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, skip next 3 dc, work 2 dc and 1 tr in top of turning ch 4.
ROW 3: Ch 4, turn, 2 dc in first tr, skip next 2 dc and next 3 dc group, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in ch 3 loop, skip 3 dc, 3 dc in space before last 2 dc, 2 dc and 1 tr in top of turning ch 4, break off.

TRIANGLE #1? But this is Crochet with Squares! Using TRIANGLES to fabricate a Ripple Granny Jacket is CHEATING!

Remember, one does not CHEAT in crochet! One uses crochet to punish cheaters.

TRIANGLE #2: Make 2.
ROW 1: With Color 5 (Red) same as Row 1 of TRIANGLE #1, break off.
ROW 2: Turn, join Color 4 (Yellow) with sl st in 1st tr, ch 4 complete same as ROW 2, TRIANGLE #1, break off.
ROW 3: Turn, join Color 2 (Green) with sl st in 1st tr, ch 4, complete same as Row 3, TRIANGLE #1, break off.

UNDERARM MOTIF: (5 corners). Make 2.

Why yes, my underarm is pentagon-shaped. Isn’t yours?

RND 1: With Color 5 (Red), ch 4, sl st in 4th st. from hook to form ring, ch 3, 2 dc in ring, * ch 3, 3 dc in ring, rep from * 3 times, ch 3, join with sl st in top of ch 3, break off.
RNDS 2 and 3: Work in same manner as Square #2, but having 5 corners, break off.

BLOCKING: Block all motifs to size. See page 49.

Turn to page 49, class.

Apparently, blocking is the application of an iron-on patch onto a side of beef pinned to a candy stripers uniform.

That’s candy stripers not candy strippers! Get your minds out of the gutters, people.

BLOCKING: Place crocheted square right side down on well padded surface. Pin each square or article to size given with each design. Cover with damp cloth, steam (do not press). When two pieces have the same measurements, pine one piece down and block. Place reverse piece on top (right side up), and block. All pieces to dry completely before removing pins.

That procedure may work for the first couple of squares, but once you have a pile of 122 of the same sized squares, you’re going to need a bigger iron. And a super-sized side of beef.

Now everyone turn back to page 40 of the text book.

JOINING: Weave Squares together following directions on page 49.

Page 49 AGAIN!

All right, if I must.

Let me guess. Either your joining will create a legion of synthetic yarn ridges inside the jacket to rub against your skin until you’re driven mad (option A) or the outside of the jacket will look like Dr. Frankenstein embroidered it (option B).

Decisions, decisions.

JOINING SQUARES:

A With tapestry needle and same yarn as last rnd overcast edges of both squares from one ch 3 loop to next, or from one corner sc to next corner sc.
B Butt 2 motifs together, bring needle up through center of corner st of 1st motif, down through corner st of 2nd motif, * up through next st of same motif, down through same st of 1st motif and up through next st of same motif, down through same st of 2nd motif, rep from * until joining is completed.

Class, stop sniggering just because they said Butt! Now everyone back to page 40.

Join Jacket in 3 sections as shown on charts.

After having crocheted and ironed 122 squares, 26 triangles and 2 underarm motifs, feel free to delegate the stitching together of all 150 pieces to the kids.

If they complain, remind them that this isn’t illegal child labour as you’re not going to be paying them. No, this is family game night.

Follow chart for color arrangement of motifs 1, 2, and 3. Join shoulders matching P’s and Q’s. Use different colors of yarn for markers for letters I through O placing where indicated on chart (on sleeves and armhole openings). Join sleeve seams matching letters A through H. Matching yarn colors place sleeve in position and weave in place.

COLLAR AND BORDER:
(For both sizes) (Collar and bands are worked in one piece and all sc’s are worked in back loop of stitches only)
Row 1: (Starting at center back) With Color 1 and small size crochet hook, ch 5, 1 sc in 2nd st from hook, I sc in each of next 3 ch sts, (4 sc in row).
Row 2: Ch 1, turn, 1 dc in each sc across. Repeat last row until 164 (180) rows are completed.

C’mon, it’s only 180 rows! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, people. There is NO crying in crochet!

There is, however, repetitive stress injury in crochet.

START COLLAR SHAPING:
Row 1: (Inc. Row) ch 1, turn, 1 sc in each sc, 2 sc in last sc.
Row 2: Ch 1, turn, 1 sc in each sc across. Repeat last 2 rows until there are 14 sc in row.
Row 21: Repeat row 1 of Collar shaping.
Row 22: Ch 1, turn, 2 sc in first sc, 1 sc in each rem sc.
Rows 23 and 24: Repeat Rows 1 and 2 of Collar shaping. Repeat last 4 rows until there are 35 sc in row. Work without increasing over 35 sc until there are 262 (274) rows in all, break off.
This is ½ of Collar and Border measuring from center back of lower edge of neck. Make other half in same manner. Join the 2 sections at center back of border and collar.

If you incur repetitive stress injury from making the second half of the Collar and Border, write to Graphic Enterprises Inc, the holder of this pattern’s copyright back in 1974. Unfortunately, they didn’t provide an address, but I’m certain that one of the 33,800,000 hits their company’s name got from Google will be the correct place.

Good luck!

CUFFS: Make 2. Ch 21, work same as Row 1 and 2 of collar (20 sc in row) until there are 60 (63) rows, break off. Join 2 short ends to form tube.

BELT: Ch 9, work back and forth in single crochet same as cuff until there are 218 (230) rows or until belt is desired length, break off.

Such a prosaic belt just won’t do justice to the patchwork masterpiece your family made together.

This vintage belt, on the other hand, will add a certain je ne sais quoi.

No, je ne sais quoi is not French for WTF.

FINISHING: With right sides together, place and stitch collar and border to outside edge of jacket, matching center back of collar to center of neck, center back of border to center back of lower edge of jacket, making sure increased edge of collar is attached to jacket edge.
JACKET (Size 14-16)

There is NO crying in pattern transcription.

*wimper*

GAUGE: Each square measures 4”.
Jacket is made same as Size 10-12—But do not break yarn at end of last RND or ROW of Motifs.

SQUARES:
RND 4: Ch 1, 1 sc in same st with sl st, work (1 sc in each dc, 5 sc in each corner ch 3 loop) around, join with sl st, break off.

TRIANGLES:
ROW 4: Ch 1, turn, 1 sc in first tr, 1 sc in each dc up to ch 3 corner loop, 5 sc in ch 3 loop, 1 sc in each rem dc, 1 sc in top of turning ch 4, break off.

BLOCKING, JOINING, FINISHING:
Work same as Size 10-12.
DIRECTIONS For Collar and Border are given in parenthesis with directions for Size 10-12.

That wasn’t so bad. So we’re finally done now, right?

HAT

AUUUUUGGGGHHHH!

Work 8 Squares #2 and 4 Triangles #1 same as Size 10-12 jacket.

BLOCKING: Same as Size 10-12 jacket.

JOINING: Weave squares together same as jacket joining 4 squares together for crown. Matching letters, join the 4 squares #2 to center Squares, then fit Triangles between Squares. Stitch Triangles in place. See chart.

That’s a hat? It looks like a crocheted pinwheel.

So, instead of stitching it together to form an ugly hat, you could create your own low tech wind farm!

BRIM: Using large crochet hook, join Color 1 (Blue) with an sc in end st of a dc row, work 2 more sc over same end st, work (3 sc over end sts of each dc row, skipping all joinings and ch 4 rings at beg of each triangle) around, join, (72 sc).

NOTE: The entire brim is worked in back loop of each sc.

MORE IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE: Do not wear completed granny square hat in the kitchen. Someone may try using your head to get a roast out of the oven.

RND 2: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * 1 sc in each of next 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join in 1st sc (84 sc).
RND 3: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * I sc in each of the next 6 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join (96 sc).
RNDS 4 and 5: Ch 1, turn, I sc in in each sc all around, join each round.
RND 6: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * 1 sc in each of the next 7 sc, 2 sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * all around join (108 sc).
RNDS 7 and 8: Same as RNDS 4 and 5.
RND 9: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, *1 sc in each of the next 8 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join (120 sc).
RNDS 10 through 13: Work RNDS 4 and 5 twice, break off.

At last, you’re ready to shake your granny-squared tush on the catwalk!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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DIY – A Revolutionary Birthday!

Thanks to my friend, Hind of Alexandria, Egypt, we have a brand new DIY!

This lovely young lady is Wa’ad, who longtime readers may remember for her lovely purse and cloche hat. Above, she’s working on a very special, one could say, revolutionary doily.

For the whole story:

Hind writes:

Dear Victoria,

I am glad to be able to send some photos of Wa'ad, (who is now fourteen years old) while she was working on a doily she made last month for her mother's birthday. This birthday present is a Handmade by Daughter from a Handmade by Mother pattern posted on August 6, 2009, called: Summer of Polyester Love.

How well I remember the Summer of Polyester Love. When for one brief, wacky moment I actually thought slapping a doily onto a dress made sense.

Good times, good times.

How this pattern was transformed into a doily has a remarkable story. It seems that Wa'ad had actually planned to buy a present for her mother's birthday which was on February 7, but as this was during the revolution, most of the shops were closed, and the curfew regulations did not allow her the chance to go on the streets and search for something nice. So she came to me five days before the birthday was due, asking for a quick and easy pattern to make her first thread crochet project.

Again – as often before – Handmade by Mother had the right solution. In three days the doily was complete, with enough time to be starched and blocked.

A big, gushing puddle of glee describes my reaction to the possibility that my silly blog was able to contribute positively in any teeny tiny way to people’s lives during the Egyptian revolution.

While I mop my glee off the floor, please enjoy this picture of the actual doily.

Squee!

Of course her mother was much more delighted with that handmade present than she would have ever been with any other ready made thing, bought on the last moment.

The doily is worked following the pattern, but it has a simple border on the last three rounds, which can be easily done by counting the stitches on the photo.

Excellent work, Wa’ad, your doily is so pretty! And it’s much nicer and more useful in its present incarnation, than the original sewn into that tacky blouse and skirt.

The cat beside Wa'ad is called Didi. He was put before my door last June by somebody who seems to have been unable to keep him. When I opened the door he just came in, with the intention of staying. He is very calm and friendly as you can notice from the photos.

Didi is adorable. One of my own cats arrived on our doorstep in much the same manner.

I hope that you like that DIY which really saved the day.

With love, Hind.

Like it? I love it!

Who could have ever imagined an unfortunate pattern in a 1975 Ladies’ Home Journal would result in a beautiful birthday present in 2011 revolutionary Egypt?

Thank you, Hind and Wa’ad!

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Phentex Wants to Kill Bobby and Cindy!

“Appolo” Pillow from Decoration 2000, 1972

“Appolo” isn’t a spelling mistake. This pillow is made of Phentex, ergo it would be inappropriate to name it after Apollo, the Greek God of light and poetry. No, this interior decorator’s nightmare is named Appolo which in ancient Greek meant the destroyer. Given Appolo’s hatred of Apollo, I can only assume that little Bobby and Cindy accidentally triggered the Phentex Pillow’s feeding frenzy by turning on a sun lamp and reading out loud from the Jabberwocky.

Now, some would argue that Appolo’s attempt to destroy the Brady Bunch actually makes up for all the heartbreak Phentex has caused me all of us. But where else would I have learned that as the baby of the family I was a snooping little tattle-tale? I refuse to say whether or not I’m in curls on the grounds I might incriminate myself.

Besides, these child actors didn’t really deserve to be eaten by a Phentex Sandworm. Yes, I’m well aware they aren’t Mike Lookinland or Susan Olsen. However, the Brady Bunch went through early Cindys and Bobbys with the same ruthlessness they had for the little seen Brady dog Tiger. In fact, in the right hand corner you can see the original Tiger, portrayed by a red poodle named Plushie, moments before he was eaten along with the Brady wannabes.

When it comes to Phentex, even Poodlefest cannot save you.

For the complete pattern, and thankfully no more Brady Bunch references:

“Appolo” Pillow

Size:
54” wide—7’ long

It just occurred to me that this fake Appolo pillow might actually have been named after the fake Appolo moon landing.

Crochet:
No 7. American no 6.

Material:
Phentex 3 ply:
red 3 balls
navy 2 balls
black 1 ball
yellow 6 balls
dark orange 6 balls
orange 3 balls
white 2 balls
purple 2 balls
green 2 balls
brown 2 balls

Either Phentex only came in dull, dismal colours in 1972, or this pattern designer didn’t believe children deserved bright, pretty things.

Although, I suppose there’s no reason why both couldn’t be true.

Make a chain for a 54” wide, work in d.c. till 7’ long or at desired length, changing the colours—8 rows red, 2 rows black, 4 rows white, 6 rows yellow, 3 rows purple, 6 rows orange, 5 rows navy, 2 rows white, 4 rows green, 5 rows orange, 2 rows black, 4 rows yellow, 6 rows brown, 2 rows white, 3 rows navy, 8 rows red. (The red rows are in the center – work till the end of pillow, reversing colours.)

Wow, making this 7 foot long pillow (2.1336 metres for Canadian crocheters) would be more tedious than knitting a Doctor Who scarf.

Apparently, the 4th Doctor didn’t deserve bright, pretty things either.

2 Sides—1 yellow—1 orange—ch 6, close by a sl. st.
Row 1—Ch. 2,—11 d.c. in the opening.

Seriously, a comma and a dash? Pausing twice in the same row is a big risk in a pattern this boring.

Be sure your crochet buddy checks every two to three hours that you haven’t slipped into a coma.

Row 2—2 d.c. in each st.
Row 3—2 d.c. in same st. each 2 sts.
Row 4—2 d.c. in same st. each 3 sts.
Row 5—2 d.c. in same st. each 4 sts.
Row 6—1 d.c. in each d.c.
Row 7—2 d.c. in same st. each 5 sts.

That’s right, never crochet alone! Or thirty minutes after eating a big meal.

Work to row 12, spacing 1st each row between the 2 d.c. in the same st.

R. 13—1 d.c. in each d.c.
R. 14—2 d.c. in the same st. each 11 sts.
R. 15—2 d.c. in the same st. each 12 sts.
R. 16—1 d.c. in each d.c.

Now stuff the Phentex pillow with live children.

Of course, I’m not joking. The materials list never mentioned any other kind of stuffing. Come to think of it, there’s no mention of the big leather buttons either.

I guess you’re supposed to make them out of red poodles.

Work 1 row s.c. same colour of each side to sew the sides to pillow.

Despite being made out of deadly Phentex, dead poodles, and eventually dead children, the Appolo is not the deadliest pillow available on the interwebs. Nope, if you really want to win the next pillow fight, you’ll need to get yourself one of these.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Snow Bound Bunnies!

Rabbit Slippers from Beehive for Bairns, 1980, original pattern c. 1950

It may be March, but the groundhog lied! Spring is still a long way away for most of Canada and the United States. Of course, we can’t really blame Canada’s own Wiarton Willie, as he was forced to make his Groundhog Day prediction indoors, due to a blizzard raging outside. And regardless of whether the Yankee Punxsutawney Phil or the Southern General Beauregard Lee deliberately led us astray, the fact remains that it’s still cold outside, and your baby needs toasty toes!

So, I recommend knitting up a pair of dead groundhogs for her feet. Sure, the pattern book calls these “Rabbit” slippers, but with just a few minor alterations, you can provide warm footsies for your child AND have your revenge on weather prognosticating rodents everywhere.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Rabbit Slippers
A perfect little shower gift, reprinted from Beehive Book # 41.

Perfect if you want to show up at a shower with a gift that cost you a dollar fifty in leftover yarn scraps and thirty whole minutes of your time.

When you give these slipshod slippers to the new mum-to-be, don’t forget to announce, “I love you THIS much!”

MATERIALS: Beehive Baby Yarn (50 g): 1 ball main colour B. Small quantity of contrasting colour A. Two 2 ¼ mm (U.S. 1) knitting needles or whichever needles you require to produce the tension given below. One 3.50 mm (U.S. E or 4) crochet hook for ties. Stuffing.

TENSION: 9 ½ sts and 13 rows = 1 inch (2.5 cm) in stocking st.

MEASUREMENT: Length 3 ½ ins (9 cm).

COMPLETE SATISFACTION AND PERFECT RESULTS ARE ONLY GUARANTEED WHEN YOU WORK TO EXACT TENSION WITH THE SPECIFIED YARN.

Fortunately for the perfectionists among us, Beehive Baby Yarn is still available in a variety of sickeningly sweet pastel shades such as Precious Pink and Sleepy Sea. Unfortunately, that also makes knitting up miniature dead groundhogs more difficult, as those varmints don’t usually come in all the colours of a six year old girl’s rainbow unicorn obsession.

I recommend buying a ball of the Rose Bud red and telling everyone the groundhog was done in by an eighteen wheeler.

SOLE: With B cast on 22 sts and knit 1 row.
Continue in garter st (plain knitting every row) increasing 1 st beginning every row to 32 sts on needle. Knit 3 rows even.

Continue in garter st, decreasing 1 st beginning every row to 22 sts on needle. Cast off.

UPPER SECTION: With B, cast on 6 sts and work 2 rows garter st.
3rd row: K1. Inc 1 st in next st. Knit to last 2 sts. Inc 1 st in next st. K1.
4th row: Knit.
Repeat 3rd and 4th rows to 26 sts on needle.
Work 19 rows even in garter st.

Next row: K13. Turn.
Working on these 13 sts, work 35 rows garter st. Cast off.

Join yarn to remaining 13 sts and work 36 rows garter st. Cast off. Sew cast-off edges together.

Also, your bloody slippers will not only keep a baby’s feet warm, they’re even educational!

When baby starts walking, you can tie these slippers onto her feet and tell the tyke, “Don’t wander into the road, sweetie pie. Or you’ll end up smashed flat into the concrete with a tire tread down the middle of your back. Then someone will come along to scrape up your bloody remains and turn you into slippers.”

RABBIT HEAD: With A, cast on 3 sts and knit 1 row.
2nd row: Inc 1 st in each of 1st 2 sts. K1.
3rd row: Knit.
4th row: K1. Inc 1 st in next st. Knit to last 2 sts. Inc 1 st in next st. K1.
Repeat 3rd and 4th rows to 13 sts on needle.
Work 8 rows even in garter st.

Next row: K6. Turn.
Working on these 6 sts work 10 rows garter st.
Continue in garter st, decreasing 1 st each end of needle every row to 2 sts on needle. K2tog. fasten off.

Join yarn to remaining sts. K2tog. K5.
Work exactly as given for other ear.
Make another slipper the same.

Or if you prefer to maintain the magic of childhood, feel free to tell your toddlers that their groundhog slippers were made by pastel-coloured unicorns.

It’s never too early to instill fear of vengeance seeking unicorns.

TO MAKE UP: Placing one point of sole at back seam, sew evenly to upper, easing in fullness around shaped end of sole at front. With B, embroider eyes and nose on head as illustrated. Sew head in position, lightly stuffing nose and leaving the ears free. With 2 strands of B together, make a chain 12 ins (31 cm) long. Make 2 tassels and sew to each end of chain. Sew middle of chain to back of slipper.

Or of vengeance seeking groundhogs.

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Protest Like an Egyptian!

Cleopatra High Hat from Bangle Hats, 1962

As rebellion spreads across the Middle East and Africa, I’ve been asking myself, how can I help the more fashion-conscious protesters? After all, the photos my beloved friend Hind from Alexandria, Egypt sent me clearly demonstrate that fashionistas desperately need help standing out in these crowds.

But I guarantee if you wear this Cleopatra High Hat, you’ll make an unforgettable impression on your peers, the press, and probably the police as well. Okay, that last one’s not a happy outcome, but at least you’ll be rubbing your dictator’s face in the Egyptian people’s recent success.

Now, Tunisian knitters and crocheters may protest that it’s not fair that this pattern is Egyptian when they were the first to board the 2011 Freedom Train. That’s true, but Egypt has given Handmade by Mother not one but two talented Do-It-Yourselfers, namely the artistic and absolutely awe-inspiring Hind and her cute and creative young neighbour, Wa’ad.

Whereas, there have been no Tunisian DIYers to date, and their new government has yet to declare Poodlefest a national holiday. So, until that happy day, I’m just going to pretend to be concerned but ultimately ignore this injustice. After all, as a Westerner, I’ve had decades of practice!

For the complete pattern and a sneak peak at revolutionary Alexandria:

CLEOPATRA HIGH HAT

MATERIALS REQURED:
Knitting Worsted: 4oz.
500 WALCO Bangles
Crochet Hook, Size G
Wire

And a flag. Preferably two.

GAUGE: 7 sc = 2’’

Round 1: TOP SECTION: Ch 3, join with a sl st to form ring, work 6 sc into ring.
Round 2: Work 2 sc in each sc around – there are 6 sc increased.
Round 3: *Work 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in next sc: repeat from * around. Mark ends of rounds, but do not join rounds.
Round 4: *1 sc in each of next 2 sc, 2 sc in next sc: repeat from *.
Round 5: Work 1 sc in first sc, *2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in each of next 3 sc: repeat from * around until 6 sc are increased.
Continue in this manner to increase 6 sc evenly on each round, working 1 more st between increases, being sure that increases do not come over each other until 14 rounds are completed, 84 sc in round, work measures 8’’ in diameter. Work 1 Round of sc PICKING UP FRONT LOOP OF STITCH ONLY – 84 sc in round.

Hey, watch it with the all-caps shouting! Now is definitely NOT a time to behave like a grumpy dictator.

Instead, you should be like Hind’s daughter Butheina (right) and her granddaughter Lina (left). Look how cheerfully they’re cleaning up after the protesters!

It’s the kind of civil disobedience that warms a mother’s heart.

Round 1: SIDE SECTION: BANGLE ROUND: *Pick up a BANGLE insert hook into Bangle and next st at same time, yarn over hook and draw thru hat and Bangle, yarn over hook and draw thru both loops on hook (this is a Bangle sc), work 1 plain sc in next st: repeat from * around – 42 sc with bangles, 42 sc without.
Round 2: Work 1 hdc in each st around – 84 hdc.
Repeat Rounds 1 and 2 once, then repeat Round 1 once.
Round 6: DECR ROUND: Decrease 6 hdc evenly around – 78 hdc remain.
Repeat Rounds 1 and 2 once, then repeat Round 1 once.
Round 10: Decrease 4 hdc evenly around – 74 hdc remain.
Repeat Rounds 1 and 2 once, then repeat Round 1 once.
Round 10: Decrease 4 hdc evenly around – 70 hdc remain.
Round 17: Repeat Round 1 once – 35 sc with bangles, 35 sc without.
Round 18: Work 1 hdc in each st around.
Round 19: Same as Round 1, end with sl st, break off. This is center back of hat.

Here, some of the menfolk are cleaning up the local police station.

You know, I expected such an evil place would look a lot less cute.

Who knew the Egyptian secret police were trained by a certain adorable feline bent on world domination?

1st Short Row: Count back 24 sts from last st worked, join yarn to next st back, work 1 sc in this st and in each of next 2 sts, work 1 hdc in each of next 44 sts, work 1 sc in each of next 3 sts, break off. (the 20 sts omitted are for the front of hat).
2nd Short Row: Join yarn in 2nd sc of last short row, work 1 sc in this st, work (a Bangle sc in next st, a plain sc in next st) across to within last sc of last row, break off.
3rd Short Row: Join yarn in 2nd sc of last short row, work 1 sc in this st and in each of next 2 sts, work 1 hdc in each st of last row to within last 4 sts, work 1 sc in each of next 3 sts, break off.
Repeat last 2 short rows twice.
8th Short Row: Work as for 2nd Short Row: but do not break off, work 1 round of sc around entire lower edge of hat, join with sl st, break off.

FINISHING: Make a circle of wire 8’’ in diameter. Working from left side of hat, over free loops left on Round 15 of Top Section, working over wire, work 1 sc in each st around, break off.

And now congratulate yourself on a job extremely well done!

Ah, freedom never looked so neat and tidy.

So, Libya... I believe you’re next?

Click here for the printable pattern.



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