Don’t Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve

All Heart Skimp from “The Great Little Crochet Skimps”, c. 1975

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and you’re no doubt thinking about knitting something special for the man you love. Don’t do it! You may believe that only sweaters will curse a relationship, but even knitting a fifteen foot scarf for your boyfriend is a one way ticket to Lonely-Town!

Still, you’re desperate to prove you love him, so what’s a girl to do?

Clearly, you need to ditch the whole subtle approach and expose your supersized heart for everyone to see. That way, he can’t claim he doesn’t know just how incredibly super awesomely much you love him. Why every time he looks at your chest your Valentine message will be right there in his face. “I Loooove You this MUCH!”

In fact, this could be the beginning of a whole new way of communicating with your boyfriend. Anything you really want to say to him, just crochet or knit it onto your chest.

“Honey, you’re a slob, and I don’t approve of your friends.”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

All Heart

These directions are for small size (8-10) and medium size (12-14).

Evidently large size ladies don’t wear “skimps”. Skimp being another word for vest, sleeveless pullover and the rather suggestively named potholder. (Hopefully, your pots come in pairs!)

In the seventies, fashion designers weren’t all heart when it came to plus size gals. However, skimps for skinny girls were far from their worst offence.

MATERIALS

BERNAT BERELLA GERMANTOWN (2 oz. balls)
- 2 Main Color (M C)
- 1 Color A
- 1 Color B

Yes, this is what “chubby” looked like in the heroin chic, starving seventies.

Poor Tracy. This pink pleated perky nightmare has been cruelly designed to make her look perfectly cylindrical, utterly waist-less, and neck-less too. No wonder she doesn’t care if chubby fashions are hard to find – she probably prays nightly that the local Sears will burn to the ground.

FOR SMALL SIZE
1 BERNAT-Aero crochet hook Size 1
(Canadian Wool Crochet Hook No. 5:50 mm)

FOR MEDIUM SIZE
1 BERNAT-Aero crochet hook Size J
(Canadian Wool Crochet Hook No. 6:00 mm)

I was briefly excited to see the word Canadian in the pattern, but then I noticed that Bernat believes Canadians sort their Crochet Hooks according to a 24 hour clock. And also make them out of wool.

Yes, I live in a magical, if very cold, land.

OR ANY SIZE HOOK THAT WILL GIVE THE STITCH GAUGE GIVEN BELOW

GAUGE
3 sts = 1 inch on Size I hook
7 sts = 2 inches on Size J hook

NOTE 1: Both sizes are made on the same number of stitches, using the hook suggested for the correct GAUGE.

Note 2: Always count turning chain as 1 d c.

Granted, these notes may be useful for the beginning crocheter, but why do pattern editors always feel the need to shout at noobs? Are they really afraid they’ll use the hook suggested for the correct gouge instead of gauge?

Mind you, with this particular pattern the ability to correctly gouge with a crochet hook would be welcome. So maybe those all-caps are not a bully’s shout, but a terrified scream.

“It’s gauge, GAUGE! Please don’t gouge holes in me just because I wrote an incomprehensible pattern riddled with errors!”

HEART: Make 2. Using M C, ch 4. Row 1: 2 d c in first st of ch, ch 3, turn – 3 d c. Row 2: 1 d c in space of turning ch (inc), 1 dc in next space, 2 d c in last d c (inc) ch 3, turn – 5 d c. Row 3: 1 d c in space of turning ch (inc), 1 dc in next 3 d c, 2 d c in last d c (inc) ch 3, turn – 7 d c. Continue to inc one st at beg and end of every row until there are 36 d c, ch 3, turn. TO DIVIDE FIRST HALF: Row 1: 1 d c in each of the next 16 d c, ch 3, turn – 17 d c. Rows 2 and 3: 1 d c in each of the next 16 d c, ch 3, turn. Row 4: 1 d c in each of the next 13 d c, y o hook, draw up a loop in next st, y o, draw through 2 loops on hook, y o, draw up a loop in next st, y o, draw through 2 loops on hook, y o, draw through 3 loops on hook (dec), 1 d c in tuning chain, ch 3, turn – 16 d c. Row 5: 1 dec st in next st. 1 d c in each of the next 10 d c, 1 dec st in next st, 1 d c in turning ch, ch 3, turn – 2 sts dec. Continue to dec 1 st at beg and end of EVERY row until 6 sts remain. Fasten off. SECOND HALF: Starting at center of heart, skip 1 d c, join yarn in next d c and work to correspond to first half, working first dec at beginning of Row 4. Fasten off. EDGING: Join Color A in lower tip of heart and work 2 s c in edge of each row around side of heart. Fasten off. Join yarn at neck edge of heart...

Did you know your neck circumference is actually linked to your risk of heart disease? The bigger it is, the higher your chances of having a heart attack.

Feel free to share this fun fact with your date this Valentine’s Day! Men love it when you lecture them about their health.

... and work 2 s c in edge of each row to other side of neck edge. Fasten off. Join yarn at outside edge of remaining side of heart and work to correspond to other side, join with sl st to first st at tip of heart. Fasten off. SHOULDER STRAPS: Row 1: With right side facing you and working at top of heart, join Color A in first st, ch 3, 1 s c in each of the next 5 d c across row, ch 3, turn – 6 d c. Row 2: 1 d c in each s c, ch 3, turn – 6 d c. Repeat Row 2 six times more. Fasten off. Work other shoulder straps in same manner. SIDE LACING: Join Color A to st at tip of heart...

Do not confuse the tip of the heart with the top, or your skimp will not be tip-top.

Ba-dum-cha!

Men also find ba-dum-chas veeerrry sexy.

... and ch 20 sts loosely, turn. Row 1: 1 d c in 4th st of ch, * skip 1 st, ch 1, 1 d c in next st, repeat from * 7 times more (10 d c), ch 1, skip 2 s c at edge of heart, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c at same edge, ch 1, turn. Row 2: Skip first d c, * 1 d c in next d c, ch 1, repeat from * 7 times more, ending 1 d c in top of turning chain, ch 4, turn – 9 d c. Row 3: * 1 d c in next d c, ch 1, repeat from * 7 times more, ending skip 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c at edge of heart, ch 1, turn – 9 d c, Row 4: Skip first d c, * 1 d c in next d c, chain 1, repeat from * 6 times more, ending 1 d c in turning ch, ch 4, turn – 8 d c. Continue to work in this manner having 1 d c less at heart edge every other row until 16 rows have been completed, ending last row with 1 d c, ch 1, 1 d c in top of turning ch. Fasten off. Join Color A at tip of heart and work other side to correspond. Work same side lacings on other heart. Sew shoulder seams. SIDE EDGING: Using Color B and with right side facing you, join Color B in corner st of side lacing, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, * 2 d c in next space (V), repeat from * 13 times more, ending 5 d c in next space (corner), 2 d c in next space, 1 s c in each s c to shoulder strap, 2 s c in each d c across shoulder straps, 1 s c in each s c of second heart, 2 d c in next space, 5 d c in corner space, 2 d c in each of the next 15 spaces. Fasten off. Work same edging around other side. NECK EDGING: Join Color B in s c at divide for heart and work 1 s c in each s c around to shoulder strap, work 2 s c in each space around shoulder strap. Work same edging around remaining neck edging and other shoulder strap, join with a sl st. Fasten off. TO JOIN SIDE LACINGS OF FRONT AND BACK: With wrong sides of heart touching...

That’s right, when it comes to your heart(s), two wrongs DO make a right!

So, if you’re still a spinster, it’s because you’ve let yourself be guided by outmoded concepts like fair play and the rule of law. Fortunately, this pattern has now provided you with a far more practical philosophy for your dating relationships.

... join M C in space at lower edge of front, * ch 3, 1 s c in first space of back, ch 3, 1 s c in space between 2 d c of next V of front, repeat from * to armhole edges, ending skip 2 d c of corner, 1 s c in next space, ch 3, skip 2 d c of corner of other armhole, 1 s c in same space. Fasten off. Join other side lacings in same manner. BAND AT LOWER EDGE: With right side facing you, join Color B at side lacing, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, 2 d c (V) in each space around entire lower edge, join with sl st. Fasten off Color B. Join M C in space of V, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, * 2 d c in space of V, repeat from * around, join with sl st. Fasten off M C. Join Color B in space of V, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, 2 d c in space of V, repeat from * around, join with sl st. Fasten off Color B. Steam lightly.

Now slip on your brand new All Heart skimp and pick out just the right Valentine’s Day card for your beloved.

Why yes, darling. I will stab you through the heart with my giant steel needles if you break my big, crocheted heart. But don’t worry, I KNOW you love me best of all.

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Fur is tacky, tacky murder.

Fur Trimmed Helmet and Mittens from Good Housekeeping Needlecraft, Fall-Winter 1973-74

USE FUR FOR A SPECIAL EFFECT

But not a real fur helmet, that’s cruel.

Seriously, that shaggy stuff drooping from her knitwear doesn’t look remotely real. However, it’s a timely reminder that you should always take off your mitts before eating cotton candy.

You can bundle up in cold weather and still look pretty as a picture with fur-trimmed accessories like these. The head covering and mittens have a knitted-in diamond pattern. Ribbing around the neck, face and mitten cuff proves a snug, warm fit. Strips of real fur are sewed on for a unique touch.

Wait, what? That’s REAL fur actually peeled off a REAL animal?

C’mon, what kind of creature has fur like that?

Holy Spaceballs, first a Wookie, and now a Wampa! Although, to be fair, hunting Wampas wasn’t made illegal until a full decade after this pattern was published.

What? Doesn’t everyone know that one of the first acts of the successful Rebels was to protect the gentle, misunderstood Wampa from maniacs with lightsabers?

You must at least be aware of the shameful black market trade in Wampa-skin rugs. Rumour has it that Princess Leia is now wanted for shooting several endangered Wampas from her Space Helicopter.

She’s such a maverick.

For the complete pattern (and more snowman skinning horror):

FUR TRIMMED HELMET/MITTENS

SIZES: One Size Fits All.

Yep, one size fits all, in exactly the same way that the ribbing around the helmet can be described as a “snug, warm fit”.

MATERIALS: Reynolds Lopi: 4 skeins MC, 1 each colors A and B, 1 package Lopi Fur Trim.

Hurray, the helmet and mitts aren’t trimmed with real fur after all! Lopi is yarn that comes from the fleece of Icelandic sheep, which means the trim is made from hanks of unspun wool. So, you can make this pattern with a clear conscience.

What’s that? Wool is cruel too?!

Fine, I’ll just shear my Phentex spiders instead.

Susan Bates knitting needles Nos. 9, 10 ½ and 11 or size to give gauge. Circular needle No. 9. Steel crochet hook Size 0. 1 set large bobbins.

GAUGE: 3 sts =1’’; 4 rows = 1’’.

NOTES: Use bobbins for color changes. Change colors on wrong side, lock strands by picking up new color from under dropped color to prevent holes. Cut and join colors as needed. Run in ends on wrong side. To Follow Chart: Odd Rows (right side): K from right to left on Chart. Even Rows: P from left to right on Chart.

Yes, there’s a couple of charts. Let me assure you,
no animals, real or imaginary, have ever been harmed in the production of charts.

No, really, they’re all fine. A little psychotic, perhaps, but still fine.

MITTENS
RIGHT MITTEN: With MC and No. 10 ½ needles, cast on 40 sts. Work in St st (p 1 row, k 1 row), beg with a p row, for 5 rows. Next Row (right side): K 3, * k 2 tog, k 6, repeat from * across, ending k 2 tog, k 3. Working on 35 sts, work even for 5 rows. Next Row (right side): K 3, * k 2 tog, k 5, repeat from * across, ending k 2 tog, k 2. Working on 30 sts, work even for 5 rows. Next Row (right side): K 3, * k 2 tog, k 4, repeat from * across, ending k 2 tog, k 2. End of Cuff. Change to No. 9 needles. Next Row (wrong side): Working on 25 sts p 1, * k 1, p 1, repeat from * across. Next Row: K 1, * p 1, k 1, repeat from * across. Repeat these 2 rows for 2’’, ending on wrong side. Change to No. 10 ½ needles. NOTE: Follow Chart A for color pat to top of Chart, beg and ending as indicated on Chart. When Chart is completed, work with MC only. Work in St st for 4 rows.

Ta-dah, it’s the first chart! Though, you’ll probably want this part, too...

Otherwise, you might reverse the colours A and B which will lead to all sorts of ecological trouble. Birds will fly off course, bees will try to pollinate you... it’ll be complete anarchy!

Thumb (right side): K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 26 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next 2 sts, k 12 sts. Working on 28 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 2 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 30 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 4, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 32 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 6, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 34 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, and sl them on first st holder, k next 9 sts for thumb, sl remaining 13 sts on 2nd holder, turn work and cast on 1 st (this cast-on st will be before 9 sts knitted on last row). Working on 10 sts, work in St st until piece measures 4’’ or desired length for thumb, ending with a p row. K 2 tog across next row (5 sts). P 2 tog twice (3 sts). Leaving a 10’’ strand, cut yarn. Run end through remaining sts; draw sts tog. Using same piece of yarn, sew sides of thumb tog. Join yarn at base of thumb where sts were put on 2nd holder; k across 13 sts on holder. Next Row: P across 13 sts, and with same strand of yarn p across sts from first holder. Working on 25 sts, work in St st following chart until piece measures 4 ½’’ from joining or desired length to top of little finger, ending with a p row. SHAPE TOP – Dec Row 1: K 1, sl 1 as to k, k 1, psso, work to within last 3 sts, k 2 tog, k 1. Next Row: Purl. Next Row: Bind off center st, place marker between 2 center sts. Repeat Dec Row 1, 3 times; and at same time k 2 tog before center marker, sl 1 as to k, k 1, psso after center marker 3 times (10 sts). Weave top tog. Work Left Mitten the same, beg Chart for diamond motifs with B instead of A.

As an alternative to Lopi “fur”, which tragically appears to have gone extinct, I recommend using faux fur.

FINISHING: Steam press pieces. Sew side seams tog. With MC work 1 row sc along lower edge of Cuff. Fasten off. Fur Trim: Holding Mitten with Cuff away from you, using MC, work sc in each st around bottom of ribbing for ridge. Sew fur under ridge so that fur will lay against Cuff.

However, always ensure that your faux fur comes from an ethical supplier.

This woman is presently serving jail time for disemboweling these teddies in front of several (now permanently traumatized) children.

HELMET
Beg at bottom edge with MC and No. 11 needles, cast on 104 sts. P next row. Next Row (right side): Following Chart, beg with Pat Row 1 of Chart B-1. Work from U to V on Chart B-1, * k 1, k 2 tog, k 1, work from W to X on Chart B-2, k 1, k 2 tog, k 1, work from Y to V on Chart B-1, repeat from * twice, k 1, k 2 tog, k 1, work from W to X once, k 1, k 2 tog, k 1, work from Y to Z (1 st dec in each MC section).

The second eco-friendly chart – guaranteed to be 100% organic and vegan-friendly.

Next Row: Working on 96 sts, p across following chart for motifs; and at the same time, dec 1 st in center of each MC section every other row 3 times, ending with Row 8. Rows 9 and 10: Work in pat on 72 sts. Next Row: Dec 1 st in center of each MC section every other row 3 times. Ribbing. Change to No. 9 needles. Working on 48 sts, work in k 1, p 1 ribbing for 3’’, ending on the right side. Next Row (wrong side): With MC, * p 4 sts, inc 1 st in next st, repeat from * twice, p 3, drop yarn, join another ball of MC, work next 12 sts in ribbing as established and sl them on a holder for face opening, with same strand of MC, p 3 sts, * inc 1 st in next st, p 4 sts, repeat from * twice. Left Half – Next Row: Working on 21 sts, work from WW to X on Chart B-2, then from Y to V on Chart B-1, then from W to WW, then with MC work last 3 sts (face edge). This establishes diamond design. Following Charts B-1 and B-2 for diamond motifs, work 3 sts at face edge in MC, work in pat until piece measures 8’’ above ribbing or desired length to top of back of head, ending with a wrong side row on Chart; and at the same time repeat pat rows reversing Colors when charts are completed. Keeping continuity of pat throughout, on next row bind off 7 sts. Work in pat on 14 sts for 3 rows. On next row bind off first 7 sts. Work in pat for 3 rows. Bind off last 7 sts. Right Half: Join MC at right front neck edge and k first 2 sts; work from WW to X on chart, then from Y to V, then from W to WW. This establishes diamond design. Work to correspond to Left Half, ending 1 row less than Left Half before bind-off. Work same as for Left Half.

If you’re too busy saving the world to wade through this long, indigestible chunk of text, you can always skip the knitting and just use the faux fur.

FINISHING: Steam-press lightly. Sew back and top seam, matching diamonds. Face Ribbing: With right side facing, No. 9 circular needle and MC, beg at neck edge on right half, pick up and k 1 in 3 out of every 4 rows or sts around entire face edge, making sure to have an even number of sts; then work 12 sts from holder on front ribbing as established. Join and work in ribbing for 5 rnds. Bind off loosely in ribbing. With MC work 2 rows of sc along lower edge of hood. Fasten off. Fur Trim: With right side facing, using MC, work 1 row sc around base of ribbing along row from which sts were picked up for ridge. Beg at neck on Right Half and end at neck on Left Half; do not work across 12 sts of ribbing on front. Sew fur under ridge so that fur will lay against helmet.

Because nothing says “I love all of nature’s children” like wearing the skinned carcass of a stuffed animal you killed all by yourself.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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A White Sports Coat and a Pink Carnation

Carnation from Gift Shopping with Crochet, 1942

“Crochet your own Bouquet!” exhorts the pattern book. Words to live by, now more than ever. After all, in these modern times you can’t rely on your date providing the all important corsage for the prom. So, start crocheting your fake flower now, or risk utter humiliation on the most important night of your high school life!

Oh yes it is – Disney wouldn’t lie to me.

What’s that? True, it’s the middle of winter, and the local news just issued a frostbite warning, but it’s never too early to get ready for Prom 2011. Spring is just around the corner, and soon there will be slim pickings for the all important Pink Hummer Stretch Limos!

Yes, this particular carnation looks all grey and blobby, when everyone knows that 2011 prom dresses are supposed to be eye-bleeding shades of painful pink and berserker blue. Don’t let the vintage black-and-white photography mislead you. I’m certain that your crocheted carnation in violent violet will take no prisoners – I mean, make you the belle of the ball.

For the complete pattern (and an actual crocheted carnation!):

Carnation

MATERIALS:

CLARK’S O.N.T. “BRILLIANT,” 3 balls.
Steel crochet hook No. 10.
A piece of heavy flower wire, 18 inches long.
Artificial carnation leaves and calyx.
Green rubberized tape.

Even if you’re too old to plan for the prom, there’s no reason why you can’t whip up a few carnations and enjoy springtime in your home all year round. Or, if you’re feeling really inspired, you could share your spring fever with your neighbours.

Because nothing brightens up a grim industrial wasteland like crocheted flowers clinging to a chain link fence!

Starting at base of carnation, ch 5. Join with sl st to form ring. 1st rnd: Ch 3, 13 dc in ring. Join with sl st in top st of ch-3. 2nd and 3rd rnds: Ch 3, dc in each dc around. Join. 4th rnd: Ch 4, * dc in next dc, ch 1. Repeat from * around. Join.

Hmm... At this point in the project, I’m not seeing “carnation” so much as “carnal”.

But I am sure this craft will look a lot less like a naughty female body part and more like a delicate flower once I’ve finished a few more rounds.

5th to 9th rnds incl: Ch 4, * dc in next sp, ch 1, dc in next dc, ch 1. Repeat from * around. Join. 10th rnd: * Sc in next sp, ch 3, in next sp make 6 tr with p’s between - to make a p, ch 3, sc in 3rd ch from hook; ch 3. Repeat from * around. Sl st in 1st sc made. Fasten off.

The pattern’s almost complete, and I can hardly contain my excitement! I just know I’m going to end up with a flower just like these gorgeous crocheted carnations discovered at a garage sale.

FINISHING . . . Fasten heavy wire securely to base of carnation. Slip calyx onto stem and push up close to petals, having slipped base inside calyx. Wind stem with rubberized tape, inserting leaves at desired intervals.

I thought about going the whole nine yards and buying florist wire and a plastic calyx, but the end result was so disappointing that I just stuck a pipe cleaner into the crocheted carnation and called it done.

How disappointing, you ask?

On the up side, it doesn’t look anything like a crocheted nipple.

On the down side, it does look like a human brain on a stick.

Still, who’s to say that’s a bad thing? The brain above was crocheted out of discarded plastic bags which means it’s Green in more ways than one!

So to heck with brightening up the neighbourhood with flowers. I vote we crochet up a ton of these brainy carnations and scatter them around instead. And if you’re feeling really ambitious, make some of these scientifically accurate fabric brains too.

It’s never too early to start planning for the 2011 Zombie Block Party!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Save a Seal, Skin a Wookiee!

Shag Jacket from Woman’s Day Knit & Stitch Number 9, 1973

I suppose you’d have to fringe up jackets just for fun, as I can’t imagine anyone paying you to do it. Although, knotting ten billion pieces of fringe onto a jacket doesn’t sound like much fun.

Sure, nowadays it would be a hoot to show up at your local Star Wars convention and claim you skinned Peter Mayhew. But this jacket’s from 1973, during the Dark Ages before Star Wars. This was a bleak time in history when kids beat each other up with sticks without light saber sound effects. And instead of playing the cool Chewbacca in Star Wars re-enactments, dressing up as a walking shag carpet in 1973 meant you were the stupid salt sucking monster from Star Trek.

Even in a time without womp rats to bulls-eye while flying your T-16, there were a lot more fun things to do than pretend to be Dr. McCoy’s shape shifting ex-girlfriend. Like pretending you were paper-mâché Spock’s girlfriend!

Duh.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

SHAG JACKET

SIZES: Misses’ 8 (10-12-14-16). Garment width around underarms, about 36” (37”-39”-42”-43¼”). Back length about 23” (23¼”-24”-25”-25”-25¾”).

According to Wookieepedia, the average Wookiee is just over two metres tall. So, if you need to make eight shag jackets in a hurry, you’d only have to hunt down and skin one adult Wookiee.

Of course, you could end up with your arms pulled out of their sockets, but DIY Wookiee-wear isn’t for sissies.

MATERIALS: Bernat Cuddlespun, 29 (29-30-34-36) ozs. color A, 9 (9-9-11-11) ozs. color B. Bernat Venetian Bouclé, 7 ozs. color C, 7 ozs. colour D. Crochet Hook size H, or size required to crochet to gauge. Five Buttons.

Feel free to substitute any bouclé yarn for Bernat Venetian Bouclé. Bernat Cuddlespun also no longer exists, but that’s probably for the best. Cuddlespun sounds more like a yarn for Ewoks than Wookiees.

GAUGE: 17 sts and 6½ rows=4”. (Pat st).

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: * Ch 1, sk 1, dc in next st, repeat from * across, ch 3, turn.
Row 2 and All Further Rows: Sk first dc, work 1 dc in each dc, ch above ch across row, end 1 dc in turning ch of previous row.
To Inc 1 Dc: Work 2 dc in 1 st. On next row, work ch 1 before inc’d dc.
To Bind Off: At beg of row: sl st in each st to be bound off. at end of row: leave unworked sts to be bound off, turn.

BTW, this is a crocheted jacket. But I’m sure you could tell just by looking at it.

FRONT AND BACK: With A, ch 156 (160-168-180-188). Dc in 4th ch from hook and complete Row 1 of pat—76 (79-83-88-93) ch-1 spaces. Work even in pat until 15½” (15½”-15¾”-16¼”-16½”) from beg. Fasten off.

BACK: Sk 42 sts, attach yarn to next dc, continue across next 67 (69-73-79-83) center sts only.

Shape Armholes: In Row 2, bind off 3 (3-3-4-4) sts each edge. Bind off 2 (2-3-2-3) sts each edge of next 2 (2-1-3-1) rows. 0 (0-2-0-2) sts each edge of next 0 (0-1-0-2) rows—53 (55-57-59-61) sts.

It is essential that you crochet your 0 sts for 0 rows to gauge.

Work even until 6 ¾” (7¼”-7½”-8”-8¼”) above beg of armhole shaping.

Shape Shoulders and Neck: Mark center 23 (23-23-25-27) sts and leave them unworked. Work each side separately. Bind off for shoulder 6 sts at armhole edge in next 2 rows. 3 (4-5-5-5) sts at armhole edge in next row. Attach yarn at neck and work other side to correspond reverse shapings.

FRONT: Sk 10 sts each side of back and finish each front 33 (34-36-39-41) sts separately.

Shape Armhole: Shape as for back. Work front edge even until 3½” (4”-4½”-4¾”-5¼”) above beg of armhole shaping.

Shape Neck: Bind off 12 (12-13-16-18) sts at front edge, then 2 sts at front edge in the next 3 rows. Work even until 6¾” (7¼”-7½”-8”-8¼”) above beg of armhole shaping. Shape shoulder as on back.

Of course, you’re going to shape the armhole and neck of the front exactly the same as the back. You already know that the most beautiful fashions of the 1970s looked the same coming and going.

Granted, you may find it a bit confusing when it’s time to put your new coat on.

SLEEVES: With A, ch 38 (40-40-44-46).

Look at the small pile of Colours B, C, and D beside you with a puzzled expression. Wonder why you haven’t been asked to use any of them yet. Surely, you didn’t carefully label these separate skeins for no good reason.

Dc in 4th ch from hook, complete Row 1 in pat—17 (18-18-20-21) ch-1 spaces. Work 1 row even.
Row 3: (Inc Row): Inc 1 dc after first and before last dc. Repeat Inc Row every 2 rows 8 times, working inc sts in pat. Work even until 17¼” (17¼”-17¼”-18¼”-18¼”) from beg.

Foolishly, you tell yourself that it wouldn’t matter if you only worked evenly until 17 inches. Surely, you think, a ¼” here or there wouldn’t show. Well, you’re WRONG! This entire pattern is riddled with these essential ¼” and it’s much too late to stop now.

Although, you really should stop calling yourself Shirley.

Shape Cap: Bind off 4 sts each edge of next row, 3 sts each edge of further rows until cap is 4 ½” (4 ½”-4 ¾”-4 ¾”-5¼”), fasten off.

That’s shaping the cap of the shoulder, not the kicky beret worn by the Woman’s Day model. However, if you really want a headpiece that goes with your shaggy jacket, I suggest you wig out.

FINISHING: Steam-press pieces. Sew shoulder seams.
Row 1: Right side facing, with A, sc across front edges and around neck. Working 2 sc in each row, sk every 4th st, work 3 sc in each corner.
Row 2: Work even in sc, working 3 sc in each corner st, work 5 buttonholes in right front border, upper buttonhole just before corner last buttonhole about 2¼” from lower edge, and remaining buttonholes evenly spaced between.

For heaven’s sake, do ensure that the last buttonhole is 2¼” and not 2” from the lower edge. The Woman’s Day resident crocheter didn’t bother, and her uneven buttonhole spacing ruined the entire look!

Work buttonholes as follows: Ch 2, sk 2 sts.
Row 3: Work in sc, working 3 sc in each corner st and 2 sc in ch-2 space.

Fringe: Beg in Row 5 of back and front, know a 3½” strand of each color in every other chain. In next row, knot in every other chain between knots of previous row. Continue in this manner, skipping 1 row between knots.

Be sure to pause every ten minutes, and ask yourself loudly if you’re having fun yet.

At armholes, leave the 3 end sts free. Make same fringe on sleeves. Sew in sleeves. Check entire garment and fill in fringes where crochet pat is visible. Sew on buttons.

Realize that you’ve reached the bottom of the pattern and not once were you asked to differentiate between colours B, C, or D. But don’t let this heartbreaking betrayal distract you from the important task you have ahead of you.

Pimping your ride so it matches your new jacket!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Recession Chic!

Cotton jewelry from Star Variety Show of Knitted and Crocheted Models, 1942

Cotton jewelry – nothing gayer, nothing newer, nothing more talk-provoking.

The United States had just entered the war the previous December. What else could there be to talk about, other than cotton jewelry?

Although to be fair, the designers are trying to support their boys overseas. Why waste metal in foolish frippery, when it could be better used in munitions?

Yarn munitions don’t work nearly as well.

Thankfully, nowadays supporting our troops doesn’t require us to sacrifice our metal jewelry. Still, diamonds are too high maintenance to be a girl’s best friend during a recession, so it’s time again to start talking about cotton jewelry!

Um… er… it could be worse?

For ONE complete pattern (and a full serving of snark!):

SHELL NCKLACE AND BRACELET – No. 2107

Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “GEM” COTTON YARN.

26 Yards Peach or any Color desired.

I do like a pattern that gives me a little choice, just in case I can’t find peach yarn.

Choice is important during hard economic times, whether it’s the 1940s or today. Like how women are choosing to spend their money on food and shelter, while the menfolk are choosing hip-hop bling!

11 Yards Green.

Bone Crochet Hook Number 4 or 5.

Four OR five, take your pick. It doesn’t really matter. There’s no gauge for this pattern. It’s footloose and fancy-free!

But before you reach for your size Q rug hooks, remember that bigger isn’t always better for cotton jewelry.

Leaving 8 inches of yarn free...

Yarn free! As free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows, yarn free to follow...

... any other pattern!

Why stick with this one? Like your last home loan, you know it’s not going to end well.

...* ch 6, slip st to 5th st from hook for ring, (shell) ch 3, 1 d c, 1 s d c, 1 s c, 1 sl st in ring, repeat from * 25 times for necklace about 18 inches long. Ch 1 after last shell. Break yarn leaving about an 8 inch length. Attach Green in last s c leaving an 8 inch length free. * Yarn over needle 3 times, insert needle in loop of s c above shell, yarn over, pull through, yarn over, pull through, yarn over, pull through, 2 loops, yarn over, through 2 loops, yarn over, pull through all loops on needle. Slip st in s c between shells, repeat from * across shells. Chain the Green and Peach ends together for ties.

And now you’re the proud owner of this!

I guarantee that if you wear a shell bracelet to your next shindig, it will be talk-provoking!

“Look at poor Sally, she had to sell all her jewelry after she got laid off at the factory. Oh well, I suppose it could be worse!”

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Stag Party!

Ah, the sweater girl! What could be sexier? The phrase brings to mind Lana Turner breaking the hearts of all seven of her husbands in her sultry knits. Or Jane Russell’s famous bust bursting at the seams of a sweater that didn’t keep her warm, but sure heated up the fellas!

And then there’s this poor woman...

Date Bait sweater from Newlands, Vol. Seven, Book Twelve, 1948

Eloise couldn’t help thinking that there must be a better way for an attractive single spinster to snare a man than outfitting herself in a stag-festooned sweater. True, time was running out as she was no longer a spring chicken, but dressing up as Date Bait smacked of desperation.

All evening she’d heard nothing but one joke after another about “going stag” and having a “sizeable rack”. She spent hours into knitting this sweater, and was it worth it? Sure, the menfolk are paying attention to her, but they weren’t buying her drinks.

And God, she needed a drink!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

The Date Bait sweater comes in a range of sizes, but it’s best to err on the side of too small. Saggy, baggy sweaters will not transform you into tasty man-bait!

Click on the graph to see it larger.

DAIT BAIT – No. 1270 – Size 34

Yes, that’s what it says in the book: “Dait Bait”. Newlands couldn’t be bothered editing this page, because any woman desperate enough to label herself “Date Bait” wasn’t going to complain if she suddenly morphed into a typo.

Whatever it takes to get a man!

MATERIALS REQUIRED: 8 oz. light rose, 5 yds. navy 3 ply Dawn Glo Yarn, 2 No. 10 needles, 2 No. 11 needles, set of 4 No. 11 needles.

Tension: 8 sts – 1 inch. 10 rows – 1 inch (No. 10 needles).

PATTERN: Stocking stitch – Duplicate stitch.

Neck: Using set of No. 11 needles, starting at neck edge, left shoulder, pick up 14 sts. K 36 sts from stitch holder in front, pick up 14 sts right neck edge, K 52 sts from back st. holder (116 sts). Rib K1, P1, for 1’’. Bind off loosely in ribbing.

All done! Now slip it on and set your sight on the nearest eligible stag man. Remember, there’s nothing like a hand-knitted sweater to scream “marry me!” at every male in the room.

Once you’ve got a member of the opposite sex on your hook, land him as soon as possible by knitting him a matching sweater of his own. Not only will the whole world know that you now own him, your hand knit sweater is guaranteed to keep him by your side forever.

What do you mean there should be more to the Date Bait pattern? Go look at the graph!

Sheesh, no wonder you’re still single.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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First Steps to a Happy New Year!

Helpful Hints from The Children’s Book’ Vol. 86, 1935

Baby Deserves the Best in Yarns Too!

And that means...

Bear Brand and Bucilla!

“Call 911!” you scream. Those babies have yarn wrapped around their necks, and now they’re EATING it!

Have no fear, gentle (and easily alarmed) reader. Bear Brand and Bucilla yarns are totally digestible and guaranteed not to plug a baby’s tender intestines.

Besides, these babies are not your coddled, over-protected, modern-day parasites on the body familial. These are 1930s Depression-era babies. They were made of sterner stuff and far more self-reliant than today’s layabout babies.

Yes, all those stories your Grandparents told you were true!

First Steps to Good Knitting and Crocheting

In 1935, baby toys were not designed by experts in child development. No sirree, babies developed their fine motor skills by playing with boxes of barbed wire.

Buy Sufficient Yarn – At the time the initial purchase of yarn for an article is made, it is important to buy the complete amount of each color necessary to finish the article.

After all, in 1935, there was a very good chance your yarn shop might go out of business before you finished your garment, and then where would you be?

Make sure the yarn is all of one dye lot number, as the next lot number of any color may differ slightly in shade from the original lot purchased, making it impossible to complete the garment satisfactorily.

That’s right, slight differences in shade will make it IMPOSSIBLE to complete your garment. Mixing of colours was not tolerated in the 1930s, and that included yarn.

Depression Baby is now knitting with her barbed wire!

Depression babies knew how to make do.

Bucilla Knitting Needles and Crochet Hooks - To insure the correctness of the work it is advisable to use only Bucilla Crochet Hooks or Knitting Needles, as recommended in directions. Other makes of hooks or needles may be marked according to a different gauge and their use in connection with Bear Brand-Bucilla directions involves a risk of incorrect size when the article is finished.

You’re no doubt wondering why the original users of this book couldn’t just look up a needle sizing chart on the internet, but have you seen the steam powered computers they used in 1935?

And you thought your old dial-up was slow!

Bucilla Knitting Needles and Crochet Hooks are made of the finest materials, they are smooth to the touch, and will not catch or split the thread.

Or the barbed wire!

And you thought the obsession about looking thin was a recent phenomenon.

To Determine the Gauge – Every knitter or crocheter works in her own way; some work tightly and some work loosely.

Uptight people work tightly. And you don’t want to know what they say about loose hookers!

With the same materials and the same number of stitches, one person produces a wide and short piece of work, while another runs all to length. It is wise to ascertain just how one’s own work measures, before commencing a garment. Cast on (or chain) about 20 stitches, using the yarn and needles (or hook) recommended in directions, knit (or crochet) 20 rows in the pattern stitch to be used. At beginning of the directions, the number of stitches to 1 inch and the number of rows to 1 inch, are given; this is called the gauge.

And incidentally, this completely negates the whole argument behind using Bucilla needles. Clearly, just using the right needles isn’t enough.

Compare gauge on sample just made with the gauge given in the directions. If the sample is worked tighter than the given gauge, loosen the tension of yarn when working; if the sample is worked looser, tighten the tension of yarn.

It’s easy! All you have to do is knit tighter, or looser, and keep the same tension throughout the entire garment, even if it’s not your natural tension.

Let’s face it, babies in 1935 could do it all without breaking a sweat. Or wearing clothes.

When the difference in gauge is great, it is advisable to change the size of needles, or hook.

Oh, look! Baby can read! She doesn’t need Mommy to read her patterns for her.

Come to think of it, where are Baby’s parents? Oh right, this is 1935. Baby’s parents have probably left for the Big City, in order to earn enough money to keep the family afloat. Baby has stayed behind to run the family farm.

Some Helpful Hints – Do not slip first stitch after turning; the edge will be stronger and better if all stitches are knitted.

When picking up stitches on an edge (for border or sleeve), use a finer needle to pick up with, and change to regular needle in second row. If the edge stitches prove too loose, pick up stitches next to edge.

Cast on and bind off loosely. Seams must be made as elastic as the knitted fabric.

No, we won’t tell you how to do any of this. If a 1930s BABY can figure out how to do all this, what’s wrong with YOU?

Why weren’t my children ever this useful?

They’re teenagers now, and they still don’t do laundry! Clearly, I’ve spoiled them.

To Wash Knitted Garments – Take complete measurements of the garment. Use a neutral soap, make thick suds with lukewarm water. Avoid using hot water which shrinks wool. Immerse garment and gently work suds through the fabric – do not rub, or twist, or allow the weight of the garment to pull it out of shape.

Babies are actually better at this job than adults. They can’t rub or twist very hard with their cute little baby muscles.

Yes, back in the Depression, baby labour was all the rage in the fiber industry sweatshops.

Rinse thoroughly in three lukewarm waters after washing, squeezing the garment gently between the hands to remove soap, but do not twist or wring. Roll garment between two turkish towels to knead out excess moisture – unroll at once and shape garment according to original measurements, leaving it on a turkish towel.

Only turkish towels will suffice. No other towel will do!

Although the two earthquakes Turkey experienced in 1935 might have put a slight dent in the towel trade that year.

Let it dry thoroughly, not forgetting to stretch it frequently into its natural shape.

The garment’s “natural” shape is not the one it naturally shrinks into – it’s whatever shape you’ve unnaturally stretched it into.

To Press Woolen Articles –

Or your baby’s genitals!

Always remember, safety first! Remind your infant to carry the plugged in, hot iron with both hands, and walk, don’t run.

Lay a padding on a table; lay a wet cotton cloth over the padding, place the article right side up over the wet cloth and pin it into the desired shape, then cover it with a dry cloth and allow it to dry slowly.

Babies have been known to object to over-enthusiastic pinning. Slow drying, on the other hand, is character building.

The slow evaporation of the wet cloth under the article will be sufficient to set the shape; do not remove until thoroughly dry.

If pressing with an iron is preferred, place the article wrong side up on a padded table.

There’s some debate over which is the wrong side of the baby. Personally, I believe the side that makes the most noise is the wrong side.

Cover with a damp cloth and pass a hot iron over it, so that the steam goes through, but the weight of the iron does not rest upon it; leave on pad until dry.

Further Important Notes – When garments are not in use do not hang them on a hanger or hook. Always place them in a drawer or chest so that they lay flat and smooth.

This goes for freshly pressed babies, too!

A smaller size may be obtained without changing the directions by using needles (or hook) next size smaller, and a larger size by using the next size larger needles.

Uh oh. Now might be a good time to teach Baby first aid!

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