Are you making your list, checking it twice?

Notepaper and Pencil Case from “Suggestions for Fairs and Bazaars” 1953

Hey, boys and girls, December is right around the corner! Have you cleaned your house from top to bottom, hung the lights, strung the garlands, bought the presents, reserved a roast, and written those all-important Family Christmas Letters?

You haven’t, have you?

Obviously, it’s because you don’t have a convenient way to keep your notepaper and pencil organized! As everyone knows, disorganized stationary leads to a disorganized home, which leads in turn to a disorganized life, and ultimately, the collapse of civilization.

So you’d better start making yourself a Notepaper and Pencil Case right now, or – heaven forbid! – your family will be having microwaved Turkey Dogs for Christmas Dinner because you’ll be frantically decking your halls.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Notepaper and Pencil Case

See how organized this girl is? She’s already made detailed plans for the Secret Santa Exchange, the Christmas Party, and invading Normandy.

Materials Required: AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “STAR” BLEND YARN, Article 75
2 skeins Red.
1 skein White.
Steel crochet hook No. 00.
1 pencil
1 pad 3 inches x 5 inches.

She’s smiling with satisfaction, not repressed rage. But don’t ask her if her belt is too tight, or she might stab you with her blood holly red pencil.

BACK SECTION: With Red ch 38, s c in 2nd st from hook, 1 s c in each remaining st of ch, ch 1 to turn all rows.
2nd Row. 1 s c in each s c. Repeat the last row 26 times, cut yarn.

And while you’re making your Holiday To-Do List, don’t forget your pets!

Pets love having their picture taken with Santa. Even more than the kids!

TOP SECTION: Work 1st 10 rows same as back section.
11th Row. 1 s c in each of the 1st 28 s c, turn.
Next 14 Rows. 1 s c in each s c, cut yarn.
With wrong side of 10th row toward you, attach yarn in 1st free st and work 1 s c in each s c.
Next 14 Rows. 1 s c in each s c.
Next Row. 1 s c in each s c, 1 s c in each of the 28 sts of opposite side, turn.
Next 2 Rows. 1 s c in each s c, cut yarn at end of last row.

And don’t let those Goodwill Grinches tell you that your Christmas lists should be focused on making the world a better place. Peace on Earth starts with Peace at Home.

And lots and lots of tinsel.

And that’s just their bathroom tree!

PENCIL HOLDER: With Red ch 3, s c in 2nd st from hook, s c in next st of ch, ch 1, turn.
2nd Row. 2 s c in each s c, drop Red, turn.
3rd Row. Attach White, 2 s c in 1st s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c, 2 s c in next s c, ch 1 to turn all rows.
4th Row. 1 s c in each s c, drop White. (When changing colors always complete last half of last st worked with next color.) Working even in s c work 2 rows Red, 2 rows White until there are 6 stripes of each color. Work 2 more rows in Red, cut yarn. Sew to upper section to the left of pad opening, leaving last row free. Cut a piece of cardboard to fit upper section. Place between the 2 sections made and overcast the sections together.

And if there’s a wee bit of “keeping up with the Joneses” involved in your crocheted-list-cozy-enhanced decorating efforts, so much the better!

FLAP: With Red ch 33, s c in 2nd st from hook, 1 s c in each remaining st of ch, ch 1 to turn all rows.
Next 19 Rows. 1 s c in each s c.
Next Row. 1 s c in each of the 1st 31 sts, 3 s c in next st, work 17 s c across the short edge working 3 s c in next corner st, work 31 s c up next long side working on opposite side of starting ch, cut yarn.
With right side of work toward you, attach White in 2nd st of long side, ch 3, 3 d c in same space, drop loop hook, insert in 3rd st of ch, pull loop through, ch 1 to tighten st, * ch 1, skip 1 s c, popcorn st in next s c (popcorn st: 4 d c in same space, drop loop from hook, insert in 1st d c, pull loop through, ch 1 to tighten st), repeat from * 14 times, ch 1, popcorn st in next s c, ch 1 popcorn st in next s c, * ch 1, skip 1 s c, popcorn st in next s c, repeat from * 8 times, ch 1, popcorn st in next s c, ch 1, popcorn st in next s c, * ch 1, skip 1 s c, popcorn st in next s c, repeat from * 14 times, cut yarn.
Next Row. With right side of work toward you, attach White in 1st popcorn st, work a row of s c around the 3 sides working 1 s c in each st and 3 s c in center popcorn st at each corner, cut yarn. Sew plain side of flap to top of under section.

Home Decorating Gone Wild! It’s what Christmas is all about!

 

Click here for the printable pattern.

Join the "Hot Rolls" Sexual Revolution!

DOLL “HOT ROLLS” COZY from Crochet Gifts and Bazaar Novelties, 1953.

That’s right, I said sexual revolution! Because this post isn’t just the second part of the pretty in pink DOLL “HOT ROLLS” COZY pattern, it’s a call for radical crocheting action.

Let’s face it gals, American Thanksgiving has been all about the men for way too long. While women slave all day in the kitchen, men have been free to enjoy their macho man sports of football, hunting and turkey racing. Even the traditional meals women are expected to cook only serve to further oppress them. Generations of women have been forced to baste TOM turkey, and who knows how many dreams of equality were mashed along with the potatoes? And now your daughters – your future! – are expected to abandon their self-respect and deep fry turkey... erm, let’s call them “crown jewels”.

Well, I say, enough is enough. Girlfriend, this DOLL COZY is your wake up call to take back Thanksgiving! Sure, her ruffled, pink dress and bonny bonnet appear to be more feminine than feminist, but true social change begins with baby steps. First, you’ll reclaim the breadsticks, and eventually the glazed yams, carrots, and all the other phallocentric vegetables will fall into line.

My American sisters, reclaiming Thanksgiving one “HOT ROLLS” COZY at a time will not be easy. But all your crocheting will be worth it when your granddaughters can celebrate this holiday, not in Pilgrim’s Petticoats, but in their Gynocentric Gobble Garb!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

DOLL “HOT ROLLS” COZY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7117-B

(Shown on front cover)

In other words, don’t get your hopes up for an eye-popping detail photo like yesterday’s.

MATERIALS — DMC Pearl Cotton, Art. 116D, Size 8: 6 balls Green Ombré No. 101 or any other DMC Ombré color.

7 1/2 inch Doll.

Your dinner guests will appreciate you buying a new Doll rather than chopping four inches off your old Barbie.

Steel Crochet Hook, Size 7.

GAUGE: 10 dc=1 inch
9 dc rows= 2 inches
5 Shell rows=2 inches

I recommend just picking up a dollar store doll. Sure, she probably dreamed of one day being a favourite toy, but there are far worse fates than being a “Hot Rolls” Cozy for Dolls on the D-List!

*=STAR Abbreviations, see page 23

DOLL—BODICE—Ch 14, 1 dc in 4th ch from hook, 1 dc in each of 10 chs.

Rows 2 to 5—Ch 3 (=1 dc), turn, 1 dc in 2nd dc, 1 dc in each of 9 dc, 1 dc in top of ch-3 (12 dc.).

Row 6—Ch 14 (for shoulder strap), turn, 1 dc in 4th ch from hook, 1 dc in each of 10 chs, 1 dc in each of 11 dc, 1 dc in ch-3 (24 dc).

Row 7—Ch 3, turn, 1 dc in 2nd dc, 1 dc in 10 dc. Rpt row 2 twice. Rpt rows 6, 7. Rpt row 2 four times; drop loop from hook, sew end of each shoulder strap to top of 2nd row in from back opening (to form armhole).

Now, you may be asking yourself, why would someone want to add a doll to a “Hot Rolls” cozy anyway? Why it’s because in the good old days you dolled up before you made your Hot Rolls.

Collar—Pick up dropped loop, ch 7, 1 sc in 4th ch from hook, 1 tr around post of last dc made on Bodice, ch 3, sc in top of tr just made (Picot made), [1tr, Picot] around post of same dc, [1 tr, Picot] in each of 12 sts of shoulder, [1 tr, Picot, 1 tr, Picot] around post of 3 dc at neck edge, continue in same way around, fasten off.

Trebling around post? That sounds more like horse racing lingo than crocheting to me. Not that there’s anything wrong with mixing both, especially as Christmas is coming!.

SLEEVES—Working around armhole, [1 dc, ch 1, 1 dc, ch 1] around post of 3 dc at underarm, [1 dc, ch 1] in each of 12 sts of shoulder, join (with sl st) in first dc (18 dc).

Rnd 2—Slip st in first sp, ch 3, 1 dc in each sp around, join (in ch-3).

Rnd 3—Ch 4, [1 dc, ch 1] in every 2nd dc around, join in 3rd ch of ch-4.

Rnd 4—Ch 1, * 1 sc in next dc, ch 3, slip st in last sc made, ch 1; rpt from STAR around, join, fasten off.

Wait just one minute! Why is the pattern editor still using STAR instead of repeating the *? Yesterday, there was the excuse of helping us differentiate between all of the DAGGERs and STARs being thrown around. But this pattern just has STARs!

Just how easily confused does this pattern editor think we are? What’s next, a warning not to get our “Hot Rolls” mixed up with our “Hot Rollers?”

Peblum—Working along lower edge of Bodice, [Shell of 1 sc and 3 dc] around post of end st of each row; end, 1 sc in last st (15 Shells). Ch 4, turn * [2 tr, ch 2, 2 tr] in 3rd dc of next Shell, ch 1, 1 tr in next sc, ch 1; rpt from STAR across, ending with tr, fasten off. Put Bodice on Doll and sew back seam.

A peblum is a short overskirt, to help preserve her modesty. After all, just because this DOLL is HOT and COZY, doesn’t mean she’s a tramp!

SKIRT—Ch 38, join into ring, ch 3, skip joined st, 1 dc in each remaining ch, join.

Rnd 2—Ch 3, turn, skip joined st, 1 dc in each remaining dc, join. Rpt rnd 2 nine times. Fasten off. Run a thread thru first rnd for drawstring around waist.

BONNET—Ch 5, join into ring, ch 3, 17 dc in ring, join.

Rnd 2—Ch 4, skip joined st, 1 dc in next dc, [ch 1, 1 dc] in each of 16 dc, ch 1, join in 3rd ch of ch-4.

Rnd 3—Ch 3, skip joined st, 1 dc in next sp, *1 dc in next dc, 1 dc in next sp; rpt from STAR around, join (36 dc). Ch 4, turn, skip joined st, 1 dc in next dc, [ch 1, 1 dc] in each of 28 dc.

Rows 2, 3, 4—Ch 4, turn, 1 dc in first sp, [ch 1, 1 dc] in each remaining sp.

No, you are not imagining the sudden switch from Rounds to Rows. And yes, it would have been considerate of the editor to provide a Row 1, instead of burying the changeover in the middle of the Rnd 3 instructions. But relying on the kindness of strangers isn’t what Thanksgiving is all about, now is it?

Hang on...

Never mind.

Row 5—Ch 1, turn, 1 sc in first sp, * skip 1 sp, 9 dc in next sp, skip 1 sp, 1 sc in next sp; rpt from STAR across, fasten off. Run narrow ribbon thru 3rd row, tie a bow.

COSY—Work to end of “Hot Rolls” Cosy No. 7117-A only do not tack the marked Shells of last rnd of Inner Circle together,

Oops, I hope no one followed the instructions from yesterday and tacked all those Shells together.

Oh well, if you did, I guess you’ll just have to start over.

tack the marked Shells to Doll at waistline as shown.

As shown? As far as I can tell, the DOLL was just stuffed into the middle of the COZY. No doubt, her feet broke every breadstick and crushed every Kaiser in the process.

Oh well, if your kids start whining that “Mommy’s crocheting has ruined Thanksgiving!”, just remind them that many North Americans aren’t lucky enough to have a DOLL “HOT ROLL” COZY to add to their list of things to be thankful for.

If that doesn’t work, just threaten to make another one for Christmas.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Don’t Let Your Thanksgiving “HOT ROLLS” get “COLD”

“HOT ROLLS” COZY from Crochet Gifts and Bazaar Novelties, 1953.

As a Canadian, Thanksgiving is a distant, Tryptophan-laced memory, but for my American friends I present this elegant centerpiece for their table. That’s right, shove over the turkey and give the place of honour to this pink, plastic, carb cozy! After all, what could be more appetizing than reaching under a dollar store doll’s skirt for her hot, moist buns?

Plus, the random and unnecessary quotation marks around “HOT ROLLS” are an open invitation to save time and money this Thanksgiving! So go ahead and substitute rice cakes for the “HOT ROLLS”, Tofurky for the “TURKEY”, and why bring along a predictable pumpkin pie when a deeply discounted “CAKE WRECK” will do?

Wait, there’s more! Was your last Thanksgiving dullsville? Just follow the DOLL “HOT ROLLS” COZY’s patented process, and your family will be HOT ROFLOLing in no time! Just place the COZY in front of Uncle Bill after he’s had a few too many Thanksgiving tequilas. In seconds flat, he’ll be cracking jokes about the Pillsbury Dough Boy finally getting under someone’s skirt. Soon, he’ll be making off colour jokes about the COZY having a bun in the oven, and a tearful Aunt Dottie will be forced to remove all the breadsticks before Bill can permanently scar the children’s minds.

Just think, your “ROLLS” will be “HOT”, and family will never make you responsible for the Thanksgiving feast ever again. It’s a “WIN/WIN”!

Tequilas not included.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

 

Hey, where’s the doll, you ask?

Ah, this is a two part pattern, and during the 1950s, it was bad luck if the “Hot Rolls” and the Doll saw each other before their wedding day.

“HOT ROLLS” COZY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7117-A

MATERIALS — DMC Pearl Cotton, Art. 116D, Size 8: 6 balls Green Ombré No. 101

Pay no attention to the pattern designer behind the curtain. You don’t want Green Ombré. You want Pink Ombré.

or any other DMC Ombré color.

So long as it’s Pink.

Steel Crochet Hook, Size 7.

GAUGE: 5 Shell rows = 2 inches

* = STAR † = DAGGER Abbreviations, see page 23.

A dagger? Dare I hope this portends some danger and intrigue within my “Hot Rolls”?

Outer Circle—Ch 4, join (with slip st) into ring, ch 6, [1 tr, ch 2] in ring 8 times, join in 4th ch of ch-6 (9 sps).

Rnd 2—Ch 4, turn, [2 tr, ch 2, 3 tr] in joined st, * [Shell of 3 tr, ch 2, 3 tr] in next tr; rpt from STAR around, join (in top of ch-4).

That’s a bit bizarre. Why is it rpt from STAR instead of say, rpt from *?

Rnd 3— † Slip st to and including ch-2 sp of next Shell, ch 4, turn, [2 tr, ch 2, 3 tr] in same sp just used † , ch 1, * Shell in ch-2 sp of next Shell, ch 1; rpt from STAR around, join (9 shells).

Rnd 4—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, ch 2, 1 tr in next sp between Shells, ch 2, * Shell in ch-2 sp of next Shell, ch 2, 1 tr in next sp between Shells, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join.

Okay, I’ve tried to be nice. I haven’t mentioned the pattern editor’s strange compulsion to capitalize Shell nor her square bracket fetish, but this is ridiculous. Rpt between DAGGERS? Rpt from STAR? Why did the editor even bother with the * or † symbols if she was just going to shout the words at us anyway?

Rnd 5—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, ch 2, 3 tr in next tr between Shells, ch 2, * Shell in ch-2 sp of next Shell, ch 2, 3 tr in next tr between Shells, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join.

Did this high and mighty editor really think we’d get so discombobulated by two symbols in a pattern that we’d need ALL CAPS guidance?

Rnd 6—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, * 1 tr in next sp (mark this tr with thread for later use, see detail photo below), Shell in center tr of next 3-tr group, 1 tr in next sp (mark this tr with thread for later use), Shell in sp of next Shell; rpt from STAR around ending with 1 tr, join (18 marked tr).

Initially I typed “mark this tr with threat” instead of thread. Whichever works for you, go for it.

But where’s the detail photo, you ask? I’m sorry, you’re only in the Outer Circle, and the detail photo is reserved for initiates who’ve successfully crocheted through the Outer and Middle Circles, and managed to defeat the trained attack gorillas guarding the Inner Circle.

Trust me, by the time you get to the “Hot Rolls” Inner Circle, you’re going to want that whole bottle of rum.

Rnd 7—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, ch 3, * Shell in sp of next Shell, ch 3; rpt from STAR around, join (18 Shells).

Rnd 8—Rpt rnd 7. Rpt rnds 4, 5.

Rnds 11 to 16—Rpt between DAGGERS of rnd 3, ch 2, * 3 tr in center tr of next 3-tr group between Shells, ch 2, Shell in sp of next Shell, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join.

Besides, if you really believe the detail photo’s going to help you, you’re clearly not a Handmade by Mother devotee. So, study all of this blog’s posts, complete one DIY, and burn at least one snowman at the stake. Then, and only then, we can talk about your initiation ceremony.

Rnd 17—Rpt between DAGGERS or rnd 3, ch 2, * Shell in center tr of next 3-tr group, ch 2, Shell in sp of next Shell, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join (36 shells).

The “or rnd 3” typo has been lovingly reproduced here in order to recreate the full vintage experience. Feel the despair of the 1950s crocheter who realized that even the bossy pattern editor had abandoned her by round 17.

She’s alone. All alone. And her buns are rapidly cooling.

Rnd 18—Turn, 3 tr in sp of any Shell, ch 4, sc in 4th ch from hook (Picot made), ch 1, 3 more rt in same sp, ch 2, * [3 tr, Picot, ch 1, 3 tr] in sp of next Shell, ch 2; rpt from STAR around, join, fasten off.

Run a marking thread thru last 12 rnds of any spoke of Shells, see detail photo, repeat this marking thru every 6th spoke of Shells around (six marked spokes).

Okay, I’ll admit the detail photo is somewhat helpful here. You’re still going to have to wait for it though.

MIDDLE CIRCLE—Working from the same side as rnd 6, Shell in back loop of any marked tr of rnd 6 (leaving front loops free for later use), ch 3, * Shell in back loop of next marked tr, ch 3; rpt from STAR around, join in first tr (18 Shells).

I appreciate being informed that the front loops will be put to work later. There’s nothing I despise more than front loops lazing about while the back loops do all the work.

Rpt rnds 8 to 18 inclusive of Outer Circle. Sew Middle Circle to Outer Circle along all marked spokes, matching corresponding Shells (thus forming 6 triangular pockets), remove marking threads. Mark Middle Circle in same manner only mark along center spokes between former markings.

The detail photo might make this clearer, but the pattern booklet doesn’t include it until after the Inner Circle. I wish I could be more helpful, but I’m just following orders.

INNER CIRCLE—From same side as first rnd of Middle Circle, work a Shell in free front loop of any marked tr, ch 3, *Shell in front loop of next marked tr, ch 3; rpt from STAR around, join in first tr (18 Shells).

I like to think of the above as the “Hot Rolls” Cozy Nuremburg Defense.

Rpt rnds 8 to 18 inclusive of Outer Circle. Sew Inner Circle to Middle Circle along marked spokes (thus forming 6 more pockets between former pockets);

If more than twelve buns require cozying, you’ll have to make another “Hot Rolls” cozy. I’m sure that’s exactly what you’re in the mood to do right now.

to mark Inner Circle, mark every 6th Shell of last rnd only (marking center Shells between Inner Circle markings); tack the 6 marked Shells together at center.

At last, O Seeker of Knowledge, you have learned the mysteries of the Outer, Middle and Inner Sacred Circle, and are ready to behold the holy of holies, the detail photo for the “Hot Rolls” Cozy!

Yeeeah, that was so worth the wait.

But where’s the “Doll” in this “Hot Rolls” Cozy, you ask? Did you forget this was a two part pattern? That’s right, you’re only half way done!

Mwahahaha – hey, put that DAGGER down! And that throwing STAR!

Oh no, the Attack Gorillas got loose! AHHHHH!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Pheasant Phantasy

Pheasant Fantasy pattern from Reynold’s Instant Fashion, Vol. I, c. 1965

“But Victoria!” you protest. “How can you claim this pattern is from the mid-1960s? Look how wild and weird it is. It must be from the disco and heroin fueled 1970s!”

And I say, “Silly Reader! The seventies don’t have a monopoly on bizarre fashions. Why just look at the very first post of this blog, featuring the Jumbo Jet Set of 1968! Clearly, this Pheasant Phantasmagoria was the result of too much pot and listening to the Beatles’ Rubber Soul album -- backwards.”

Still unconvinced? Then Gentle Reader, you may be interested to learn that the 1968 Jumbo Jet Set ad included fine print advertising Volume I: Sweaters for Women (from which this very pattern was gleaned!), Volumes II and III: Dresses for Women of all Ages, and Volume IV: Sweaters for Men and Little Men. Thus conclusively placing Volume I’s publication squarely in the mid-sixties, and confirming my shrink’s diagnosis of fragile self-esteem.

Case closed!

Oh wait, I still have to transcribe the pattern? Bummer.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!)

Pheasant Fantasy

Your Pheasant Phantasy may quickly become an Un-Pheasant Nightmare if you wear this outfit during the fall/winter hunting season.

I recommend wearing it to the beach in August. Sure, you’ll roast alive, and people will rightfully assume you’re cuckoo, but at least you won’t have to worry about getting your feathers shot off.

• Sizes: Directions are for small size (8 – 10). Changes for medium size (12 – 14) and large size (16 – 18) are in parentheses.

• Materials: 1 Pr Reynolds Jumbo Jet Knitting Needles; 1 #J aluminum crochet hook; #681 Plumage 9 (10 – 11) balls; #568 Versailles 5 (6 – 7) balls; #560 Versailles 5 (6 – 7) balls.
Hat: #681 Plumage 1 (1 – 1) ball; #568 Versailles 1 (1 – 1) ball; #560 Versailles 1 (1 – 1) ball.

Sadly, both the Plumage and Versailles yarns have bleeding demised. But (beautiful) Plumage was apparently a bulky weight wool yarn, while Versailles was worsted weight. So, feel free to substitute Scandal and Saucy, or any other pair of wild and wooly yarns.

• Gauge: 3 sts = 3’’; 3 rows = 2’’.
Note: Throughout this sweater, collar and hat – use 2 strands of each color of each yarn.
Back: With Jumbo Jets and 6 strands of yarn, cast on 10 (20 – 22) sts. Row 1: Knit. Row 2: Purl. Row 3: Knit. Row 4: Knit (1st ridge). Row 5: Knit. Row 6: Purl. Row 7: Purl (2nd ridge). Row 8: Purl. Row 9: Knit. Continue in stockinette for 17 (18 – 18)’’ from beginning or desired length to underarms.

Six strands? Bah! That’s nothing! Try knitting with 1,000 strands at once!

• Armhole: Bind off 2 (2 – 2) sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each end of needle every 3rd row until 6 (8 – 8) sts remain. Bind off.

Fun fact: Pheasants aren’t native to North America or Europe. They were originally imported from Asia back in the eighteenth century.

• Front: Work same as back to underarm.
Armhole: Bind off 2 (2 – 2) sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each end of needle every 3rd row until 8 (10 – 10) sts remain. Bind off.

• Sleeves: With 6 strands of yarn, cast on 10 (12 – 12) sts. Work 8 rows of border pattern as on front and back pieces. (Large size only – Inc 1 st each end of needle next row). Work in stockinette, increasing 1 st each end of needle every 7 rows until 17 (17 1/2 – 17 1/2)’’ from beginning or desired length to underarm.
Armhole Shaping: Bind off 2 sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each end of needle every 3rd row until 4 (6 – 8) sts remain. Bind off firmly.

The Ultimate Pheasant Hunting website advises hunters that, “Every effort should be made to get to a downed bird as soon as possible, as it only takes a few seconds for a cripple to cross the nearest county line.”

Yep, pheasants are that smart.

However, ultimate hunters need to acknowledge that “cripple” is a pejorative term. Most pheasants prefer the more politically correct “lead enhanced”.

• Collar: With 6 strands of yarn, cast on 26 (28 – 28) sts. Row 1: Knit. Row 2: Knit (1st ridge). Row 3: Knit. Row 4: Purl. Row 5: Purl (2nd ridge). Row 6: Purl. Bind off.

See how this pheasant is eyeing us? He’s just waiting for his chance to carjack an unsuspecting motorist and make a break for the border.

• Hat: Using 6 strands of yarn, cast on 2 sts. Row 1: Purl; Row 2: Inc 1 st each end of needle; Row 3: Purl; Row 4: Inc 1 st each end of needle; Row 5: Purl; Row 6: Inc 1 st each end of needle; Stockinette for 7 rows. 1st Dec row: Knit 2 tog each end of needle; Row 2: Purl; Row 3: K 2 tog each end of needle; Row 4: Purl; Row 5: Bind off 4 sts. Pick up 14 sts along side of crown: Row 1: Purl; Row 2: Knit; Row 3: Purl; 1st Dec row: K 2 tog, K 4, K 2 tog, k 4, k 2 tog: Row 2: Purl; Row 3: K 2 tog, K 2, K 2 tog, K 1. Row 4: Purl; Row 5: K 2 tog, K 1, K 2 tog, K 1, K 2 tog. Row 6: Purl; Row 7: K 2 tog, K 1, K 2 tog; Row 8: Purl; Row 9: K 2 tog, K 1, bind off 2 sts. Repeat to make other side correspond.

Yes, I typed this part correctly, and just about wore out the semi-colon on my keyboard in the process. I checked three times, and then, because it still didn’t make sense, I tried making the hat myself, using 4 mm needles and a single strand of bulky yarn. If it worked, I would donate it to one of my daughter’s dolls.

This is the pattern up to the part where it says to “Pick up 14 sts along side of crown.” But where is the side of the crown? I had no clue, so I just picked a side at random.

Yes, I was still optimistic that it would all magically make sense at any moment.

This is the last part of the hat pattern right after I’ve bound off two stitches. I’m now supposed to “Repeat to make other side correspond.” But I still have a stitch left over!

Even if I made two of these things, I still have no idea how I’m supposed to attach them together to turn them into a hat. Or a bonnet. Or even a hilarious jaw sling à la Marley’s Ghost.

So I gave up.

I can only hope that a masochistic brave knitter will take on this pattern and show us all how it’s done!

• Sweater Finishing: With front and back pieces inside out, sew from “bump to bump” or “notch to notch” with one strand of Versailles. Sew sleeve seams in like manner. Sew in sleeves and ease raglan shaping. Turn sweater to right side and weave sts at each side of seam together. Pull yarn snugly making seam almost disappear. Do same at sleeve and raglan seams. With #J crochet hook and 6 strands of yarn, sc around neck edge.

I dare you!

• Collar: Crochet one loop at top corner and bottom corner of collar end. Crochet over cork balls and sew to upper and lower corners at other end of scarf.

I double dog dare you!

• Hat: Sc with #J crochet hook and 6 strands of yarn around entire edge of hat, pulling in snugly for “cupping” effect over ears. Chain 2 lengths for bow under chin – (approximately 14’’ long). Sew to corners of bonnet. If you prefer, you may cover button with crochet and make button loops.

Wait, that’s it? What about the feathers? This pattern isn’t complete without a plethora of pheasant feathers!

Although, I’m sure this fellow won’t mind in the slightest if you decide to leave them off.

Run for the border, birdie!

Click here for the printable pattern.

How to Scientifically Raise Your Baby

Crib Sleeper pattern from The New Baby Book, 1947

My mother took one look at this photo and exclaimed, “What a wonderful idea! I really wish I’d had one of those when you were small.”

Horrified, I demanded to know why she felt I needed to be tied down in bed. Mom then claimed she’d only have used it to prevent me from scratching myself when I had chicken pox.

Considering that I was TWELVE when I caught the pox, I’m deeply suspicious of her true motives. I think the real reason has to do with the time I climbed out of my crib and shredded a down feather pillow. Or perhaps it was the time I escaped and overturned a dresser on myself. Or it’s possible she’s still holding a teensy grudge over that time when I was two and made a break for it down the main street of town...

... stark naked.

Personally, I think Mom should just be grateful that this incident occurred before the era of cell phone cameras, and stop fantasizing about the benefits of baby bondage.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Covered from every angle

TIE ‘EM IN AND KEEP ‘EM WARM

Is your spawn a budding escape artist? This pattern is guaranteed to foil even the cleverest lil’Houdini.

No. 5314 – Crib Sleeper

Materials Required: AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DAWN” KNITTING WORSTED, ARTICLE W11

27 – 1 1/4 oz. Skeins White.
1 – 100 yd. Ball “STAR” Rayon Crochet, Art. 700 white.

4 1/2 yds. Blanket Binding. 4 yds. 1 inch Ribbon.

Bone Crochet Hook No. 6.

And when friends and relatives accuse you of child abuse, you can claim your only motive is to “keep ‘em warm”. Tropical rainforest warm!

FRONT. Ch 175, s c in 2nd st from hook, d c in next st of ch, * 1 s c in next st of ch, 1 d c in next st of ch, repeat from * across ch, ch 1, turn. (Work should measure about 42 inches.)

2nd Row. 1 s c in each d c and 1 d c in each s c, (pattern) ch 1, turn. (87 patterns) . Work even in pattern until work measures about 33 inches, break yarn. Skip 26 patterns, attach yarn in next st, ch 1 and work in pattern over the next 35 patterns, ch 1, turn and work even over the 35 patterns for 5 inches ending row with ch 29, turn. Do not break yarn.

Besides this pattern will absolutely prevent your child from accidentally rolling onto her belly and smothering herself. So this Creepy Crib Sleeper actually makes you a virtuous parent!

Next Row. Attach a strand of yarn at opposite side of row long enough to ch 28, break yarn.

Pick up the unbroken yarn and work 14 patterns on the ch 29 for sleeve, work 35 patterns across front and 14 patterns on the ch 28 for other sleeve, ch 1, turn and work even in pattern for 4 inches, (63 patterns.)

Virtuous in the modern era, that is. Despite a keen interest in scientific childrearing, parents in 1947 were not concerned about proper sleeping position. Or even with where their babies slept. In fact, a common parenting practice of the day was parking their little ankle biters outside without so much as a squirt of sunblock to protect them from deadly ultraviolet rays!

Why, at any moment, this child could spontaneously combust!

Next Row. Work 30 patterns, ch 1, turn. Next Row. Work 1 row even.

Next Row. Start decreasing for neck, work 29 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 15 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 14 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next 2 Rows. Work 6 patterns, break yarn.

Next Row. Skip 3 patterns at center for neck, attach yarn in next pattern and work across 30 patterns, then work 1 row even.

Next Row. Slip st over 1st pattern, ch 1, work 29 patterns, ch 1 turn.

Next Row. Slip st over 14 patterns, ch 1, work 15 patterns.

Next Row. Slip st over 1 pattern, ch 1, work 14 patterns.

Next Row. Slip st over 8 patterns, ch 1, work 6 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 6 patterns, break yarn.

What? You think I’m exaggerating? Check out this modern era quote from Your Baby Today:

“Even if you're convinced that your baby is properly dressed, suitably sunblocked, and safely parked in the shade, check him constantly for signs of overexposure. If any area of skin appears reddened or pinkish, bring your child inside. Call your pediatrician immediately if your baby is severely sunburned.”

Compare that to this passage from Infant Care, 1940:

“Slight reddening and tanning show that the baby is receiving benefit from the ultraviolet rays of the sun. Not all babies tan, even though exposed to the sun. It is well to give babies and young children sun baths for prevention of rickets and for other beneficial effects. A child needs sunlight most when he is growing fastest – in babyhood and in early childhood.”

So, am I supposed to lock my baby indoors if his skin gets the slightest bit pink, or leave him outside until he’s as red as a lobster?

Well, I know which child care approach would leave me more time to surf the interwebs!

BACK. Ch 71, work 35 patterns on ch. Work even in pattern for 5 inches ending row with ch 30, do not break yarn. Attach a strand of yarn at opposite end of row long enough to ch 30, break yarn.

Pick up unbroken yarn, turn and work 15 patterns on ch for sleeve; work 35 patterns across back and 15 patterns on ch 30 for other sleeve, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. 1 s c, 1 d c, in 1st dc of pattern, 1 s c, 1 d c in next s c of pattern, (an increase) work in pattern across row increasing 1 pattern in last pattern, then work 1 row even.

Next Row. Increase 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work 9 rows even.

Next Row. Slip st over 1 pattern (a decrease), work even omitting the last pattern, (a decrease) then work 1 row even.

Next Row. Decrease 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work 1 row even.

Next Row. Slip st over 15 patterns, ch 1 and work 15 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Slip st over 1 pattern, ch 1 and work 6 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 6 patterns even, break yarn.

Skip 5 patterns at center for neck, attach yarn in next st and work 15 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Slip st over 8 patterns, ch 1 and work 6 patterns, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 6 patterns, break yarn.

Not that I would ever neglect my children while feeding my internet addiction.

I totally noticed the time my fifteen month old daughter climbed up into the bathroom sink, turned on the taps, and then got stuck in the basin because her diaper soaked up all the water and was too heavy for her to get back out.

Eventually...

HAND SECTION. Ch 13, and work 6 patterns on ch, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Increase 1 pattern at end of row, then work 1 row even, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Increase 1 pattern at end of row, then work 9 rows even, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 7 patterns, (a decrease) ch 1, turn, and work 1 row even, ch 1, turn.

Next Row. Work 6 patterns, then work 1 row even.

Work another hand section in same manner.

Besides, if this cartoon is any indication of the sun-fueled superpowers of a 1940’s baby, our grandparents were definitely onto something!

Although, Gabby makes a great case for tying your baby down before he sends all your neighbours to the hospital. In fact, you’d better get started on that crib sleeper before your Superbaby flies away!

Bind blanket section and bottom of back section with binding. Bind front, back of neck and straight edge of hand section with ribbon. Sew hand section in position on front of sleeper on right side having curved end extended beyond edge of sleeve. Sew sleeve, underarm and shoulder seams leaving 6 patterns free on each side of neck.

Attach 10 inch ties at neck openings.

Attach two 18 inch ties at each side about 1 1/2 inches down from sleeve.

With Star Rayon – embroider feather stitch at inner edge of blanket binding.

Of course, there are alternatives to pinning down your offspring like a rare butterfly.

 

Yes, it’s Baby in a Box! The very latest in modern home accessories, available in six designer colours. Call now, operators are standing by!

FEATHER STITCH. Thread is held under needle same as making buttonhole stitch. Take a short buttonhole stitch a little to the side of inner edge of binding. Take the next stitch a little towards the opposite side. Alternate, always keeping stitch on slant toward center.

If desired, binding may be omitted and sleeper finished with 3 rows of s c around blanket section and neck edges.

Baby John Gray’s Air Crib even has wheels, so you can conveniently wheel your tiny tot outside for his sunbath without ever having to actually touch the little darling.

Now, that’s scientific parenting for the H1N1 generation!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Flash! Mostly Naked Savior of the Universe!

West Point Collar pattern from “Clark’s O.N.T. Crocheted Neckwear”, 1935

Dale Arden has every reason to look perturbed here. After all, she’s an intelligent capable woman saddled with an interstellar hero who’s continually distracted by his interstellar libido. Heck, Flash Gordon decided that Dale was his one true love within hours of meeting her, when he was supposed to be focused on something a wee bit more time sensitive.

Or as Dale declared in the 1980 film, Flash Gordon:

“Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

West Point Collar no. 2015

Sure, Clark’s wants you to believe that this pattern was inspired by the West Point Military Academy, but I offer these two pieces of evidence for your consideration:

A famous West Point graduate, in a uniform that barely resembles this pattern. (Can you guess who he is?)

Flash and Dale, c. 1935, shilling for Union Carbide.

Okay, neither outfit is a dead ringer for the pattern. However, when I look at this so-called West Point collar, what springs to my mind is not the prestigious, but earth bound, West Point Academy. Nope, it’s thrilling adventures in Outer Space!

As Union Carbide Plastics Representatives, of course.

Materials: Clark’s O.N.T. Knit-Crochet, 2 balls each of White and color 25 Crystal Blue. Milward’s steel crochet hook No. 2.

Fun factoid: In 1866, George Clark invented the first cotton thread suitable for use in a sewing machine. He called it “Our New Thread” or O.N.T. for short.

So every time you make a pattern with Clark’s O.N.T. you’re literally crocheting a piece of history!

No pressure.

Front: Using thread double, 1 strand of Blue and 1 of White, ch to measure about 16 inches. 1st row: S c in 3rd ch from hook, * ch 1, skip 1 st, s c in next, repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn. 2nd row: Skip 1st ch-1 and s c in next s c. * Ch 1, s c in next s c, repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn. 3rd for 5th rows incl: Same as 2nd. 6th row: Work s c and ch 1 for 4 times, then ch 6, skip 3 s c’s of previous row, s c in next (for buttonhole). Continue across to within 7 s c from end, and make another buttonhole. Continue as before until work gradually comes to a point. Fasten off. Make back the same, but omit buttonholes.

Have you guessed who the cutie in the cadet uniform was yet? No?

Perhaps this will help:

Yep, it’s President “I Like Ike” Eisenhower!

Who, as it happens, was President of the United States when the Soviets launched the Space Race, thereby bringing us back to...

Flash! A-ah!

Collar: Ch to measure 14 inches. 1st row: S c in 2nd ch from hook, * ch 1, skip 1st st, s c in next. Repeat from * across, ch 1, turn. 2nd to 9th rows incl: S c in 1st s c. * Ch 1, s c in next s c. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn. 10th row: Work to within 1 inch from end of previous row, ch 1, turn. 11th to 17th rows incl: Same as 2nd. Break off. Fold collar at 10th row and whip across straight end. Stitch down short end to longer piece. (The extra inch allows for overlap.) Attach White at lower edge and work a row of s c’s along both edges (working as a rnd).

Sure, Dale was stuck playing second banana to Flash “Girl Crazy” Gordon, but there were compensations for a healthy young lady in her position.

There was mostly naked Flash, and...

More mostly naked Flash!

Next rnd: * S c in next s c, ch 6, s c in same s c. Repeat from * around. Work the same edging on the 2 sides of the front and back. Cover 2 large round buttons with s c in White and sew to inside of back piece to correspond to buttonholes in front. Then whip collar to front and back pieces as in illustration. At the right side, leave about an inch between the front and back pieces in whipping them to collar. Sew snaps to collar.

Still, I’m sure Dale would have preferred to dispense with all the gratuitous whip stitching in this pattern.

Ouch!

Click here for the printable pattern.

DIY Marksman

Marksman Gloves! The greatest thing since sliced bread. Which, by the way, was invented in 1928, a mere thirteen years before the “Knit for Defense” book was published.

But why, you ask, would a twelve year old boy want mittens that leave both his finger and thumb exposed to the elements?

To find out:

C’mon, what red-blooded boy wouldn’t want gloves that are “Smart and practical for the expert marksman because they leave the trigger finger free.”

Expert marksman?, you ask nervously.

You betcha!

 

Whether your progeny is saving the universe, or merely defeating an ultimate evil, Marksman Gloves provide both warmth and flexibility.

 

Never again will he have to risk frozen fingers in his quest to impale, garrote or fricassee a high level Boss. World War II Marksman gloves – a revolutionary new concept in winter gaming gear!

Or should that be a revolutionary old concept?

Aw, heck. Let’s just look at another pulse-pounding picture of the gloves in action!

 

Now the only question that remains is – will he notice the school bus when it pulls up in front of our house?

Your TV is going to catch a chill!

Chippendale pattern from "Television and Radio Scarfs", 1950.

Every winter, you bundle up against the cold, but what about your poor, neglected TV set?

Television parents your children, entertains your elders, and keeps hoodlums glued to the tube and off the streets. It tells you what to drink, what to think, and even what to buy to clean your kitchen sink. And how do you thank this Opiate of the Modern Masses? Why you force it to play the endless spinoffs of Law and Order all winter long -- scarfless!

You heartless monster!

In 1950, people treated their televisions with the proper amount of respect. Despite the horrors of the Korean War, the Cold War and only having 12 TV channels to watch, Americans didn’t make their 12 inch, black and white sets dance around the room to keep warm. As seen below, TVs in toasty warm scarves escorted their Radio beaus to rollicking square dances (chaperoned by the matronly chest of drawers, of course).

So, are you going to bring shame upon your family by allowing your Hi-Def, 1080p resolution, 52 inch flat screen TV to get frostbite?

I didn’t think so.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Chippendale No. 7807

Alas, this motif was inspired by the entirely work safe Thomas Chippendale, the 18th century furniture designer, and not by the far from work safe male strippers of Chippendales.

Scarfs, Chair Backs, Tablecloths, Bedspreads, Insertions using this motif may be made with any of the American Thread Company products listed below:

Although, if you want to make your sweetie a tear away thong out of this pattern, I won’t stop you. In fact, I’ll happily post the (work safe!) photos.

With Chartreuse ch 8, join to form a ring, ch 1 and work 12 s c in ring, join.

2nd Row—Ch 5, d c in next s c, *ch 2, d c in next s c, repeat from * 9 times, ch 2, join in 3rd st of ch.

In 1950, crocheters were encouraged to pause in the middle of each crochet stitch to relieve stress. Single (deep breath) crochet, double (deep breath) crochet. Doesn’t that feel better?

Of course, speed crocheters should avoid this practice as it would lead to hyperventilation.

3rd Row—Ch 1 and work 3 s c over each loop, join.

4th Row—* Ch 7, skip 4 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 5 s c, repeat from * all around, join in 1st d c, break thread.

5th Row—* 1 d c, 7 tr c, 1 d c over next loop, 1 s c in each of the next 5 s c, repeat from * all around, join in 1st d c, break thread.

In the 1950s, people respected their TV sets enough to wear their best clothes while viewing. In return, TV let them mock the homeless from the comfort of their own living rooms.

6th Row—Attach White in same space, ch 5, 1 d c in each of the next 8 sts with ch 2 between each d c, * ch 3, skip 2 s c, s c in next s c, ch 3, skip 2 s c, 1 d c in each of the next 9 sts with ch 2 between each d c, repeat from * twice, ch 3, skip 2 s c, s c in next sc, ch 3, join in 3rd st of ch.

7th Row—Ch 6, sl st in 3rd st from hook for picot, * ch 2, d c in next d c, ch 3, sl st in top of last d c for picot, repeat from * 7 times, ch 3, d c in next d c, ch 3, sl st in top of last d c for picot, repeat from 1st * all around ending row to correspond and joining last ch 3 in 3rd st of ch, break thread.

In 1950, proper etiquette was also paramount. These children, found guilty of sprawling disrespectfully in front of the TV, were tortured on wooden racks.

Work a 2nd motif in same manner joining it to 1st motif in last row as follows: ch 6, sl st in 3rd st from hook for picot, * ch 2, d c in next d c, picot, repeat from * 4 times, ch 2, d c in next d c, ch 1, sl st in corresponding picot of 1st motif, ch 1, sl st in top of d c to complete picot on 2nd motif, * ch 2, d c in next d c of 2nd motif, ch 1, sl st in next picot of of 1st motif, ch 1, complete picot, repeat from * once, ch 3, d c in the next d c of 2nd motif, ch 1, sl st in next picot of 1st motif, ch 1, complete picot, * ch 2, d c in next d c of 2nd motif, ch 1, sl st in next picot of 1st motif, ch 1, complete picot, repeat from * once, finish motif same as 1st motif. Join 3rd motif to 2nd motif leaving the 3 center picots free at corner between joinings. Join 4th motif to 3rd and 1st motifs in same manner.

Sure that’s a lot of work just to join a motif. But in 1950, Father had to work a month and a half just to buy a TV!

And if the family still couldn’t afford the $499.95, Mommy had to do a lot more than just kiss Santa Claus to seal the deal.

JOINING MOTIF: With Chartreuse work 1st row same as 1st row of large motif.

2nd Row—Ch 4, sl st in 1st free picot of any motif, ch 1, sl st in 3rd st of ch to complete picot, * ch 2, d c in next s c of small motif, ch 1, sl st in next free picot of same motif, ch 1, sl st in top of d c to complete picot, repeat from * once, ch 2, d c in next d c of small motif, ch 1, sl st in 1st free picot of next motif, ch 1, sl st in top of d c to complete picot, repeat from 1st * until all picots are joined, break thread.

Work as many motifs as desired joining in same manner.

With today’s large screen televisions, you better get busy at making those multiple motifs. Trust me, you don’t want your TV to be naked when TV-zilla comes to town.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Target Practice

The Target pattern from Handknits for Men by Beehive for All Occasions, c. 1944.

“Hey Dad, are you and Mom getting along?” Joe Junior asked.

“Of course we are, son. Why do you ask?”

“She seemed pretty steamed about that dishy new secretary you hired.”

“Tempest in a teapot. Why, your Mother made this sharp vest for me by way of apology.” Joe Sr. smiled. Thelma had a hot temper, but she wasn’t one to hold a grudge.

“Um, but Dad, it’s got a target right over your heart.”

“That’s because she also signed us up for archery classes. She’s almost as good as a man with her bow.”

Junior didn’t look appeased. “But, there’s arrows sticking right out of the target. It’s like Mom’s saying, shoot here!”

“Son, you got your suspicious mind from your Mother. Now, let’s forget all this nonsense, and go bang some balls on the tennis court.”

Joe Junior wasn’t surprised by the phone call he got next week about his father’s fatal archery accident. He was tempted to call the cops, but he was too scared. His Mother might knit up a vest for him too.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Here, Thelma’s grandmother practices her archery just before her husband’s fatal archery accident.

Target in EIGHT SIZES

That’s right, only EIGHT SIZES! If your philanderer is too small or large, you’ll just have to come up with a more creative punishment.

See instructions for “The Favourite” page 2. Embroidery chart see page 15.

And we’re done!

Seriously, that’s all the pattern booklet says. So, after a quick scan of the “Place Arrows Here” chart and a link to the Favourite, this will be the shortest Handmade by Motherpost evah.

What, I only transcribed the v-neck version and this vest has a round neck?

Well, shoot.

All right, here’s the gosh-darned pattern with a round neck, for you green-eyed monsters who want to target your fickle Favourite.

4 ply BEEHIVE FINGERING, PATONISED.

or

PATWIN 4 ply PATONIZED KNITTING WOOL WITH NYLON.

Just remember shooting him yourself is illegal. However, the jury’s still out on dressing someone up in the Target vest before a game of How Not to Be Seen.

For Quantity required, see below. Two No. 11 and two No. 10 Queen Bee Knitting Needles. One Stitch Holder.

FOR THE EMBROIDERY. See desired Chart for colours and design, pages 19, 20 and 32.

Tension: 7 ½ sts. and 10 rows = 1 inch with No. 10 needles.

Check tension– see page 33.

For Washing Instructions– see page 33.

Now, this is how you dress your archer if you actually want him to survive a Monty Python sketch.

MEASUREMENTS AND QUANTITY OF WOOL REQUIRED

(A) SIZES 38, 40, 42, 44

The instructions are written for size 38.
Sizes 40, 42, and 44 are written in brackets thus:—( )

THE SLEEVELESS PULLOVER WITH ROUND NECK

FRONT: With No. 11 needles cast on 128 sts. (40—136 sts.) (42—142 sts.) (44—148 sts.).

Work exactly as given for Back of Sleeveless Pullover, see page 13, to 94 sts on needle. (40—98 sts.) (42—102 sts.) (44—106 sts.). Continue even in Stocking st. until armhole from first shaping measures 6 1/2 ins. (40—7 ins.) (42—7 ins.) (44—7 1/2 ins.) ending with purl row.

Stocking stitch is just an old-fashioned name for stockinette. Although, these 1940s ladies found that dressing up in a natty outfit and stockings ensured that the men didn’t know what hit them.

Oh, and here’s page 13. Be sure to pack a lunch before setting out to find the couple of lines that actually apply to this pattern.

To shape neck: K33. (40—K35) (42—K37) (44—K39) Turn.

Leaving remaining sts. on spare needle, continue in Stocking st. on these 33 sts. (40—35 sts.) (42—37 sts.) (44—39 sts.) dec. 1. st. at neck edge every alternate row to 29 sts. on needle. (40—30 sts.) (42—32 sts.) (44—33 sts.)

Now, if you’re concerned that the Target vest is too subtle a hint for other archers, you can always try this outfit.

Who knew the competition to join the 4 H Club of Maine was so cut throat?

Continue even until armhole from first shaping measures 9 ins. (40—9 1/2 ins.) (42—9 1/2 ins.) (44—10 ins.)

Shape shoulder as given for (A) Sleeveless Pullover with “V” Neck, see above.

Now, I could send you on a wild goose chase in “The Favourite” post. But I’m so nice, I cut and paste the old instructions instead.

Feel free to express your gratitude in poetry, song, or cash. Especially cash.

To shape shoulder: At armhole cast off 10 sts. every alternate row twice, 9 sts. once. (40—Cast off 10 sts. every alternate row 3 times) (42—Cast off 11 sts. every alternate row twice, 10 sts. once)(44—Cast off 11 sts. every alternate row 3 times)

With right side of work facing, join wool to sts. left on st. holder and work other side to correspond.

Leaving next 28 sts. (all sizes) on spare needle, with right side of work facing, join wool to remaining 33 sts. (40—35 sts.) (42—37 sts.) (44—39 sts.) and work other side to correspond.

BACK: See page 13.

AKA the Chart of Unusual Size scanned above.

Resist the temptation to make your target too oversized, or you might end up with a result of questionable taste.

NECKBAND: Work exactly as given for Neckband of (A) Pullover with Sleeves and Round Neck, see page 3. Sew right shoulder seam.

Sew left shoulder seam. Slip sts. from st. holder at back of neck onto No. 11 needle. With right side of work facing join wool and with No. 11 needles knit these sts. Pick up and knit 28 sts. (40—30 sts.) (42—32 sts.) (44—34 sts.) along left side of neck. Knit across sts. from spare needle at front of neck. Pick up and knit 28 sts. (40—30 sts.) (42—32 sts.) (44—34 sts.) along right side of neck. Work 9 rows ribbing (K1.P1). Cast off loosely in ribbing.

ARMBANDS: See page 13.

You know the drill.

For Make Up and Embroidery, see page 13.

As with the Favourite, page 13 only sends you off to the photo on page 32. Warning: readers with heart conditions should not view this dangerously over-stimulating action shot.

Once you’ve recovered from all the excitement, you’re ready for the Target chart.

Feel free to use colours other than those suggested. After all, if you’re going to give someone the shaft, why go with a boring choice like beige?

(B) Sizes 46, 48, 50 and 52

Already? Gosh, “The Favourite” was much more complicated. Round necks good, V necks bad!

The instructions are written for size 46. Sizes 48, 50 and 52 are written in brackets thus:—( )

FRONT: With No. 11 needles cast on 154 sts. (48—160 sts.) (50—166 sts.) (52—172 sts.).

Work exactly as given for Back of Sleeveless Pullover, see page 13, to 108 sts on needle. (48—110 sts.) (50—112 sts.) (52—114 sts.). Continue even in Stocking st. until armhole from first shaping measures 7 1/2 ins. (48—8 ins.) (50—8 ins.) (52—8 1/2 ins.) ending with purl row.

Still, it would be easier just to print your own target and tape it to the enemy of your choice.

Also, a scan of page 13 is located in section A. I’d include it again here, but I’ve been informed that kind of torture is a violation of the Geneva Conventions.

To shape neck: K40. (48—K41) (50—K42) (52—K43) Turn.

Leaving remaining sts. on spare needle, continue in Stocking st. on these 40 sts. (48—41 sts.) (50—42 sts.) (52—43 sts.) dec. 1. st. at neck edge every alternate row to 33 sts. on needle. (48—34 sts.) (50—34 sts.) (52—35 sts.)

Continue even until armhole from first shaping measures 10 ins. (48—10 1/2 ins.) (50—10 1/2 ins.) (52—11 ins.)

Shape shoulder as given for (B) Sleeveless Pullover with “V” Neck, see above.

Actually, see below.

To shape shoulder: At armhole cast off 11 sts. every alternate row 3 times. (48—Cast off 12 sts. every alternate row once, 11 sts. twice) (50 as 48)
(52—Cast off 12 sts. every alternate row twice, 11 sts. once).

With right side of work facing, join wool to sts. left on st. holder and work other side to correspond.

Leaving next 28 sts. (all sizes) on spare needle, with right side of work facing, join wool to remaining 40 sts. (48—41 sts.) (50—42 sts.) (52—43 sts.) and work other side to correspond.

BACK: See page 13.

Now, you get to look up. Waaay up!

NECKBAND: Work exactly as given for Neckband of (B) Pullover with Sleeves and Round Neck, see page 4. Sew right shoulder seam.

See below.

Sew left shoulder seam. Slip sts. from st. holder at back of neck onto No. 11 needle. With right side of work facing join wool and with No. 11 needles knit these sts. Pick up and knit 34 sts. (48—36 sts.) (50—36 sts.) (52—38 sts.) along left side of neck. Knit across sts. from spare needle at front of neck. Pick up and knit 34 sts. (48—36 sts.) (50—36 sts.) (52—38 sts.) along right side of neck. Work 9 rows ribbing (K1.P1). Cast off loosely in ribbing.

ARMBANDS: See page 13.

Simon says look up! Are you dizzy yet?

For Make Up and Embroidery, see page 13.

Once again, I send you to section A. Not because I’m giving preferential treatment to smaller targets, but because if I post that embroidery picture again, the internet will die of boredom.

As for the target chart, I’d rather include this more daring Japanese option for men’s archery wear.

Click here for the printable pattern.