Belly Button Censorship Makes a Comeback!

Striped Swimsuit/Beach Mat from Good Housekeeping Needlecraft, Spring-Summer 1972.

Thank goodness! During the 1940s through 1960s, TV censors knew that North Americans couldn’t cope with seeing a grown woman’s omphalos. After all, the navel automatically reminds people of sub-navel activities that are best confined to the bedroom with the lights turned off.

So, we never found out if Mary Ann of Gilligan’s Island had an innie or an outie, and we dreamed of a Jeanie whose lint catcher was covered up by red and pink pantaloons. Alas, in 1969, Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In went after the belly laughs by exposing the belly button, and the genie was out of the bottle for good.

Fortunately, our bathing beauty from 1972 bucked the trend by crocheting up a swimsuit that kept her one-eyed Mabel decently out of sight. Unfortunately, by preventing lascivious navel gazing, she inadvertently drew attention to the fact that her breasts were more than a little wall-eyed.

So, if modesty’s your bag, you’re probably better off with a burqini, but I salute this crocheted forerunner of the tankini for challenging the bikini-dominated 1970s. The next time you’re on a beach, raise your glass to the navelkini!

Er, the bellykini?

Innieoroutiekini?

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

STRIPED SWIMSUIT/BEACH MAT

SIZES: Directions are for Small, Changes for Medium and Large are in parentheses.

MATERIALS: Phentex (2 Ply), 3 (4-5) Lt. Green (A), 3 (4-5) Lemon (B) and 3 (4-5) Violet (C).

Phentex? Phentex!

Sure the photo’s sidebar had recommended using a “yarn that dries quickly”. But I think that choosing a yarn that will wick away all of your skin's moisture, leaving you a dried up husk floating along the surf, is going a tad overboard.

Boye aluminum crochet hook Size F or size to give gauge.

2 pkgs round elastic, 2 buttons and 1 clasp.

GAUGE: 5 sts = 1”; 6 rows = 1”.

Just take a look at this photo:

FINISHED MEASUREMENTS: Bust: 32 (36-39)”; Hips: 34 (38-42)”.

Is it steel wool? The surface of the moon, perhaps?

STRIPE PATTERN: 2 rows A, 4 rows B, 2 rows C, 4 rows A, 2 rows B and 4 rows C.

Nope, this is a close up of crystalline polypropylene polymer yarn AKA Phentex AKA the stuff you’re planning on wearing against your private parts.

FRONT: With F hook and C, ch 12.

Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch to end (11 sc). Ch 1, turn.

Row 2: Sc in each sc, ch 1 turn. Repeat last row 5 times more. Begin Stripe pat and in center st work sc, ch 1, sc (inc made).

Tsk, tsk. If the pattern designer used the active instead of the passive voice, the pattern editor wouldn’t be forced to rely on bolding to keep our attention.

Next row: Sc in each sc and in ch-1 sp work sc, ch 1 sc (inc).

Jeez, they’ve lost count of the rows already?

Repeat last row until piece measures 5” along center, ending with 2 rows B (39 sts). Continue to inc. at center, and, at same time, inc at beg and end of row (to inc: work 2 sc in 1 sc) every row 10 times, ending with 4 rows B (69 sts).

Thank goodness for that bolding, because otherwise I would have blithely increased at the centre any old way I wanted to, and completely forgotten the beginning and end of row shaping.

Work across 26 sts. Ch 1, turn.

RIGHT FRONT-- Next row: Dec 1 st at beg of row (to dec: draw up loop in next 2 sts, yo and through 3 loops on hook) (hipline).

Next row: Inc 1 st at beg of row (leg). Repeat last 2 rows 0 (2-4) times more. Dec at hipline as before, and, at same time, inc at leg edge every row 10 times.

SHAPE SIDE: Continue hipline dec and at leg edge, dec every row until all sts are decreased.

LEFT FRONT Attach yarn in 26th st from leg edge and work same as Right Front reversing shaping.

Not that I know anyone who doesn’t bother reading all of a sentence before diving right in. *whistling*

BACK: With C, ch 12.

Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch to end (11 sc). Ch 1, turn.

Rows 2 and 3: Sc in each sc. Ch 1, turn.

Row 4: Begin Stripe Pat with 4 rows A and inc at beg and end of row every 2nd row 3 times, ending with 2 rows B.

Next row: Inc at beg and end of row and in center st as on front and repeat this row every 2nd row 5 (7-9) times more, then inc in center ch-1 only until piece measures approx. 10” along center and there are 81 (85-89) sts.

RIGHT BACK: Work across 40 (42-44) sts. Dec at hip every other row until there are 31 (35-39) sts. Work hip dec, and inc at leg edge every other row until hip measures same as front, ending with same stripe as on front before side shaping. Shape side same as front.

LEFT BACK: Work same as Right Back reversing shaping.

FRONT-CENTER PANEL: Attach yarn in first B st at right center panel and work as follows:

Row 1: Dec at beg and end of row and in center st work sc, ch 1, sc

Row 2: Work to center ch-1 sp, sc in ch-1 sp, work to end.

Row 3: Dec at beg and end of row and in center st work sc, ch 1, sc.

Row 4: Repeat Row 2.

Row 5: Work to center sc, in center sc work sc work sc, ch 1, sc. Repeat Rows 2 through 5, 8 (7-6) times, then work Rows 4-5, 0 (2-4) times.

BRA: With B (B-A) ch 2.

I have to admire the ingenuity of the unsung crocheter who made this swimsuit for the photo shoot. By choosing pink as the B colour, this Sneaky Pete managed to get nipple porn into Good Housekeeping.

Row 1: In 2nd ch from hook work sc, ch 1, sc. Ch 1, turn.

Row 2: Work 2 sc in first sc, in ch-1 sp work sc, ch 1, sc, 2 in last sc.

Now, I just happened to have some pink Phentex on hand (keep your friends close, but your enemies closer), so naturally I couldn’t resist crocheting up two pink nipples.

Note how the model in this photo is sensible enough to keep 100% cotton between her nipples and the Phentex.

Row 3: With C (B-B), work sc in each sc and sc, ch 1, sc in ch-1 sp. Repeat Row 3 continuing Stripe Pat as follows:

Small: 1 more row C, 4 rows A, 2 rows B, 4 rows C.

Medium: 1 more row B, 4 rows A, 2 rows B, 4 rows C.

Large: 3 more rows B, 4 rows A, 2 rows B, 4 rows C, inc’ing at beg and end of last row.

This level of Stripe Pat micromanaging gives me a whole new appreciation for the 'you’re on your own' approach of 1940s and 50s.

Fasten off. Along side edge beg stripe pat with 4 rows C, work 1 sc in each row and in center st – 31 (35-39) sc.

I can micromanage too, you know. For instance, don’t ever say "stripe pat" when you mean "Stripe Pat"!

Row 1: Dec at beg and end of row and over center 2 sts.

Row 2: Sc in each sc. Repeat last 2 rows until 5 sts remain. Work stripe pat on these 5 sts until piece measures 7 1/2 (8-8 1/2)”. Fasten off.

SHOULDER STRAPS: With A, beg to the right of the apex of the bra, work 1 sc in each of 4 sc and in each of 5 rows.

Beg stripe pat with 2 rows A and work Rows 3 and 2 of Center Front Panel until piece measures 15”, or 1 1/2” less than desired length.

BUTTONHOLE: Work to center ch 1, turn, work to outer edge. Attach another piece of yarn in center st and work 2 rows across unworked sts, fasten off. With yarn attached work 4 more rows across all sts.

FINISHING: Sew 1 edge of each bra to 1 slanted edge of center front panel.

Edging: Beg on top edge of left back strap, about 3/4” from edge, over round elastic, work 1 row sc along edge to 3/4” from end of right back strap.

But what part of the Stripe Pat am I supposed to do? Don’t force me to make decisions this close to the end!

Tighten elastic slightly, do not turn. Working over round elastic, from left to right work 1 sc in each sc. Tighten elastic slightly and fasten off.

Beg on lower edge of back strap work edging around entire bathing suit, and each leg, tightening elastic around hipline to desired fit.

Rather than using a measuring tape, I suggest putting on the suit to make sure you get the sizing right. No cheating by taking off the suit to complete the edging. Real women can crochet while standing on one leg.

Sew clasp to back of strap and sew buttons on back strap for shoulder strap.

After all your careful sizing, why would you want to crochet your shoulder straps to the bikini top? You never know when a hot lifeguard may walk by and you’ll need to quickly use the “Whoops my shoulder strap slipped out of its button, accidentally revealing my Phentex-roughened nipples”.

Handmade by Mother is not responsible if the above tactic leads to a citation or arrest for public indecency. This blog is based out of Ontario, Canada where breasts roam free.

MAT

Because why should the rest of your body escape the crystalline embrace of Phentex?

With A, ch 126. Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch to end (125 sc). Work in Stripe Pat until piece measures 64”. Fasten off.

Edging: With A, work 1 row sc around entire mat, spacing sts to keep edges flat, work 3 sc in each corner. Work 1 more row A, 2 rows B, 2 rows C. Fasten off.

And now you’re ready for a day of Phentex Phun at the Beach. Although you better pack the Vaseline, otherwise the end of the day won’t be as much fun.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Super Foxes IV: Hexed!

Breastplate Pattern, Hexagonal Motif Style, from Patons/Beehive “Breastplates” Book No. 2105, c. 1975.

“That’s it!” announced Phyllis. “I quit!” She flung her dishcloth down on the kitchen table.

Three pairs of astonished eyes turned her way.

“But you can’t quit,” said Debbie. “Who’ll make dinner?”

“We’ll starve!” wailed Barbie, her vapid eyes brimming with tears.

“While I completely support your desire for self-actualization,” said Linda, “You should have given us a couple weeks notice.”

“I’m a Super Heroine, not a maid!” roared Phyllis.

“Then why do you call yourself Mighty Maid?” asked Barbie, her tears drying up instantly.

“And why do you wear your hair like that?” asked Debbie.

“You did crochet yourself a breastplate that looks like a tiny little apron,” Linda pointed out.

“It’s a HEXAGON! And I clean up CRIME, not your disgusting MESS!” And with that, the door slammed and Phyllis was gone.

“Now who’s going to make dinner?” asked Barbie.

“I’m quitting, too,” said Linda. “I’ve got a line on a Wonder Woman gig. As an Amazon, I get to lasso and tie up men, and I won’t have to make my own costume.”

“I just got an offer to appear in a Wonderbra ad,” admitted Debbie.

And with that, the Super Foxes Super Team tragically disbanded.

Not that anyone noticed.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

HEXAGONAL STYLE

For materials list, see part 1.

TENSION: 5 dc groups = 3 ins.

Ch 5. Join with ss to form ring.

1st round: Ch 3. 1 dc in ring. (Ch 1. 2 dc in ring) 5 times. Ch 1. Ss in top of ch 3.

2nd round: Ss to 1st ch space. Ch 3. (1 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc) in same space. Ch 1. * (2 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc) in next ch space for corner shell. Repeat from * 4 times. Ss in top of ch 3.

3rd round: Ss to 1st ch space. Ch 3. (1 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc) in same space. * 2 dc in next ch space. (2 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc) in next corner shell. Repeat from * 4 times. 2 dc in next ch space. Ss in top of ch 3.

4th round: Ss to 1st ch space. Ch 3. (1 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc) in same space. * 2 dc between corner shell and next 2 dc. 2 dc between next 2 dc and corner shell. (2 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc) in next corner shell. Repeat from * 4 times. 2 dc between last corner shell and next 2 dc. 2 dc between next 2 dc and 1st corner shell. Ss in top of ch 3.

5th round: Ss to 1st ch space. Ch 3. (1 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc) in same space. * Miss 2 dc of corner shell. (Ch 1. 2 dc between next 2 dc) twice. Ch 1. (2 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc) in next corner shell. Repeat from * 4 times. (Ch 1. 2 dc between next 2 dc) twice. Ch 1. Ss in top of ch 3.

Well, what do you know? The only bolded commandment in this entire pattern is “between,” and it’s only repeated twice.

Wow, this lack of bossy bolding is exhilarating. I feel completely free to ignore any instruction I like now!

6th round: Ss to 1st ch space. Ch 3. (1 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc.) in same space. * 2 dc between groups to next corner shell. (2 dc. Ch 1. 2 dc) in next corner shell. Repeat from * 4 times. 2 dc between groups to 1st corner shell. Ss in top of ch 3.

Maybe I’ll crochet myself an octagon instead of a hexagon. That’ll show the pattern editor what’s what.

7th and 8th rounds: As 6th round.

9th round: Work as 5th round, working (Ch 1. 2 dc) between 2 dc sts from each corner shell to next corner shell.

Okay, that’s three bolded words in total. But it’s just a puny “between”. I don’t feel at all intimidated.

10th and 11th rounds: As 6th round.

12th round: 1 sc in each st and 3 sc in ch space of each corner shell to end of round. Ss in 1st st. Fasten off.

You know, if I did make an octagon in red, I could embroider a big white STOP in the center. And that’s way more subtle than bellowing, “Eyes up here!” at chest-ogling males.

Okay, it’s a bit more subtle.

NECK BAND: Make a chain 20 ins long (or desired length). 1 dc in 3rd ch from hook. 1 dc in each ch to end of ch. Fasten off. Sew ends to one straight edge of motif as illustrated.

SIDE PIECES: With right side of work facing, join B in back loop of 5th st before 3 sc of corner shell at side of motif. Ch 4. Continue as given for side piece of Square Motif design on page 4. Press lightly.

Of course, it’s not on “page 4”, it’s a couple of posts back. But I’ve thoughtfully linked it for you. Because I’m just that kind of nice.

Now, go! Crochet! Create your own superheroine group! But always remember to share household chores.

After all, look at what happened to the Super Friends. They had a chore chart and a certain Amazon princess thought she was above menial labour. Next thing you know, Aquaman was leaving passive aggressive notes about everyone expecting him to wash the dishes, and then Bats started putting sticky labels on all his food. It pretty much went downhill from there, and Robin still won’t speak to the Wonder Twins.

The moral, of course, is to always take time out from crocheting and battling crime to clean up after your space monkey.

ETA: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 - Collect them all!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Super Foxes III: Sunshine on My Breastplate Makes Me Happy

Breastplate Pattern, Round Motif Style, from Patons/Beehive “Breastplates” Book No. 2105, c. 1975.

“Sunshine keeps fallin’ on my head, la, la, la...” warbled Barbie as she skipped over Nefarious Neville’s prone body, and relived him of his large bag of bank loot.

“It’s raindrops,” he snapped. “Raindrops falling on your head!”

“I like sunshine better,” giggled Barbie. “See?” She shoved her chest into his face. “I made myself a big, round, sunshiny sun!”

Dying rapidly from the massive radioactive emissions from her acrylic breastplate (Patons Canadiana, enriched with uranium), Nefarious Neville managed with his final breath to gasp, “What drugs are you on, lady?”

Barbie was offended. “I don’t need drugs. I’m naturally trippy!”

Alas, Barbie had no idea that she was living in the golden age of Superheroineness. Come the eighties, every crook she battled would ask her why she was dressed up like Funshine Bear. Barbie now lives in South America, where she operates a nature preserve for abused Care Bears.



For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

ROUND MOTIF STYLE

For materials list, see part 1.

TENSION: 9 sts = 2 ins.

MOTIF: With A, ch 5. Join with ss to form ring.

1st round: ch 3. 15 dc in ring. Ss in top of ch 3. (16 sts in round)

2nd round: Ch 5. Miss 1st st. * 1 dc in back loop only of next st. ch 2. Repeat from * to end of round. Ss in 3rd st of ch 5. Break A.

3rd round: With C, ch 3. * 2 dc in next ch space. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 3. 1 dc in next dc. Repeat from * 6 times. 2 dc in next ch space. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 3. Ss in top of 1st ch 3. Break C.

4th round: With B, ch 3. Miss 1st st. 1 dc in each st to end of round. Ss in top of ch 3. (56 sts in round). Break B.

5th round: With A, ch 6. Miss 1st 2 sts. 1 dc in back loop of next st.

Hey, what d’ya know? They didn’t bold “in back loop only”!

* Ch 3. Miss 2 sts. 1 dc in back loop of next st.

Maybe they finally trust us to work in the back loop when instructed to do so.

Repeat from * to end of round. Ch 3. Ss in 3rd st of ch 6.

6th round: Ch 3. 1 dc in each st to end of round. Ss in top of ch 3. (76 sts in round). Break A.

7th round: Ch 5. Miss 1st 2 sts. * 1 dc in back loop only of next st.

Evidently not.

Ch 2. Miss 1 st. Repeat from * to end of round. Ss in 3rd st of ch 5. Break C.

8th round: With B, as 3rd round. Break B.

9th round: With A, ch 7. 4 dc in 1st ch space. * Ch 4. 4 dc in next ch space. Repeat from * to end of round. Ch 4. Ss in 3rd st of ch 7. Break A.

10th round: With C, ch 3. Miss 1st st. 1 dc in each st to end of round. Ss in top of ch 3. Fasten off. (152 sts in round).

NECK BAND: With B, ch 70 sts. 1 dc in 3rd ch from hook. 1 dc in next ch. * 2 dc in next ch. 1 dc in each of next 2 ch. Repeat from * to end of ch. Fasten off.

With right side of neck band facing, join B in 37th st.

Don’t you love counting stitches? Don’t you love having to go back and count them again, because your kids keep talking to you?

“Mom, what’s for dinner?” “Mom, I think dinner’s burning.” “Mom, the house is on fire!”

The demands for attention just never end.

Ch 14. 1 hdc in 2nd ch from hook. 1 dc in each of next 3 ch. 2 dc in each of next 5 ch. 1 dc in each ch to end of ch. Miss 3 sts on neck band. Ss in next st. Fasten off.

With right side facing, join B in 41st st from other end of neck band. Ch 18. 1 hdc in 2nd ch from hook. 1 dc in each of next 3 ch. (1 dc to 2 loops on hook in next ch. 1 dc to 3 loops on hook in next ch. Yoh and draw through all 3 loops) 5 times.

I do know that “yoh” means “yarn over hook”, as opposed to “Yo, what’s up, yo”, a greeting which makes you feel cool, but causes your children to cringe every time you use it.

However, if anyone has a clear idea how to interpret “1 dc to 2 loops on hook in next ch, etc...” I’d appreciate an explanation.

1 dc in each ch to end of ch. Miss next 3 sts on neck band. Ss in next st. Fasten off.

Sew neck piece to motif as illustrated.

RIGHT SIDE PIECE: With right side of motif facing, join B in back loop of 18th st from where end of neck piece joins motif.

Ch 3. 1 dc in back loop only of each of next 17. sts. Ch 3. Turn. (18 sts in row).

Jeez, now they’re even bolding the instruction to Turn! I’m not sensing any love here.

2nd row: Miss 1st 2 sts. 1 dc in each st to last 2 sts. Miss next st. 1 dc in top of turning ch. Ch 3. Turn. (16 sts in row).

Repeat 2nd row to 4 sts in row.

Next row: Miss 1st st. 1 dc in each of next 2 sts. 1 dc in top of turning ch.

Repeat last row until side piece measures desired length to middle of back. See note above, then fasten off.

You’ll find the contents of that note in part one of the Superheroine Series, here.

Keep in mind that because this breastplate has to be fitted, you’re not making this as a passive aggressive gift for your frenemy. You’re making it for yourself. You’re the one who’ll be wearing this misguided experiment in acrylic armour. In public.

LEFT SIDE PIECE: With right side of motif facing, join B in back loop o f36th st from other end of neck piece. Ch 3. 1 dc in back loop only of each of next 17 sts. Ch 3. Turn.

I'm pretty sure that bolding two instructions this close together is against the Geneva Conventions.

Continue as given for right side pieces. Press lightly. Sew button at end of neck band and end of left side piece. Use spaces between sts for buttonholes.

Or you could just leave the buttons off and turn it into a giant pot holder. A giant, sunshiney potholder with large ch spaces in each round so your fingers will slip through the holes and get burned.

But really, isn’t that a better option than being mistaken for a Care Bear groupie?

Part 1, Part 2, Part 4 - Get the complete set!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Super Foxes Breastplates: It’s Not Hip to Be Square

Breastplate Pattern, Square Motif Style, from Patons/Beehive “Breastplates” Book No. 2105, c. 1975.

Debbie halted in mid-karate chop. “That’s it! I’m calling a time out!”

Dr. Debacle stared at her, his stethoscope still raised threateningly. “What? Why?”

“Eyes up here, buster!”

“But they’re so... square. And yet, in the centre, they’re also round. Circles inside of squares, disappearing into infinity...” His eyes began to glaze over.

“I’ll have you know my breasts are not infinite. I’m a C cup!”

Dr. Debacle didn’t seem to hear her. His mouth was open and his head was tipping slowly to the side.

“It’s just that my breastplate sort of compresses my breasts. A lot. And I’m not wearing a bra, because Linda said bras were a symbol of the patriarchy’s oppression of the female form. Or something.”

Dr. Debacle started to drool all over his super-charged, semi-automatic stethoscope.

Debbie sighed irritably, and karate chopped Dr. Debacle into unconsciousness. At least this particular villain hadn’t had the chance to make any raunchy jokes about her “potholder”.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

SQUARE MOTIF STYLE

TENSION: 1 motif = 3 1/2 ins x 3 1/2 ins.

MOTIF: With B, ch 6. Join with ss to form ring.

1st round: Ch 3. 15 dc in ring. Ss in top of ch 3. (16 sts in round).

2nd round: Ch 5. * 1 dc in back loop only of next dc. Ch 2. Repeat from * to end of round. Ss in 3rd st of ch 5.

Yessir, back loop only. Gotcha.

3rd round: Ch 5. 1 tr in same st. * Ch 2. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 2. 1 hdc in next dc. Ch 2. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 2. (1 tr. Ch 2. 1 tr.) in next dc. Repeat from * twice. Ch 2. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 2. 1 hdc in next dc. Ch 2. 1 dc in next dc. Ch 2. Ss in 3rd st of ch 5.

4th round: 3 sc in 1st space. 1 sc in each st. 2 sc in each space and 3 sc in each corner space to end of round. Ss in 1st st. Fasten off.

Using a blunt ended needle, thread a length of A over and under each dc of 2nd round 4 times, being sure that all 4 strands lie flat and are not twisted. Darn in ends on wrong side.

Make another motif the same, then make 2 motifs with A and thread 2nd round with B.

Sewing through back loops only, join motifs as illustrated.

Pay attention to those bolded black letters! If you sew through the front loop, it’ll look awful. People will point and laugh, and it won’t be because you’re walking around with a potholder plastered to your chest.

Join A in any st along edge. Ch 3. 1 dc in each st and 3 dc in each corner st around entire edge. Ss in top of ch 3. Fasten off.

NECK BAND: With B, ch 70 sts. 1 dc in 3rd ch from hook. 1 dc in next ch. * 2 dc in next ch. 1 dc in each of next 2 ch. Repeat from * to end of ch. Fasten off.

With right side of motif facing, join B in back loop of 3rd st before corner sts above motif made with A. Ch 4.

1st row: Working in back loops only of sts...

Because trust me, people will know if you strayed into the front loops. Even non-crocheters will sense a disturbance in the Force.

...1 tr in next st. 1 dc in next st. 1 hdc in next st. 1 sc in next st (centre st of corner). 1 hdc in next st. 1 dc in next st. 1 tr in each of next 2 sts. Ch 3. Turn. (9 sts in row).

2nd row: Miss 1 st. 1 dc in each st to end of row. Ch 3. Turn.

Repeat 2nd row once, omitting ch 3 at end of row. Fasten off. Sewing through back loops only, join to centre 9 sts of neck band.

Never question the big black letters! Conform, Consume, Obey!

SIDE PIECE: With right side of work facing, join B in back loop of 5th st before corner sts above motif made with B. Ch 4.

1st row: Working in back loops only of sts...

Too much pressure! *starts stabbing wildly at the crochet loops* Front! Back! Ack!

...1 tr in next st. 1 dc in next st. 1 hdc in each of next 2 sts. 1 sc in each of next 3 sts. 1 hdc in each of next 2 sts. 1 dc in next st. 1 tr in each of next 2 sts. Ch 3. Turn. (13 sts in row).

2nd row: Miss 1st st. 1 dc in each st to last 2 sts. Miss 1 st. 1 dc in top of turning ch. Ch 3. turn. (11 sts in row). Repeat 2nd row to 3 sts in row.

Next row: Miss 1st st. 1 dc in next st. 1 dc in top of turning ch. Ch 3. turn.

Repeat last row until side piece measures desired length to middle of back. See note on page 2...

Or the first post in this series, Super Breast... plates!

...then fasten off.

With right side of work facing, join B at other side and work 2nd piece in same manner. Press lightly. Sew button at end of neck band and end of left side piece. Use spaces between sts for buttonholes.

Phew! *fans self* Thank goodness that’s over. I almost lost all sense of perspective.

What do you mean there’s still two more breastplates to go?

*faints*

ETA: Part 1, Part 3, Part 4 - Get the complete set!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Super Breast... Plates!

Breastplate Pattern, Striped Style, from Patons/Beehive “Breastplates” Book No. 2105, c. 1975.

They called themselves the Super Chicks! Four nubile, young ladies determined to make the world a better place by donning hand-crocheted breastplates and fighting for Freedom, Justice, and reasonably priced acrylic yarns

“I don’t like ‘chick’,” said Linda, resplendent in red, white and blue stripes. “It’s too sexist. Why can’t we be Super Women?” Just a little longer, she thought, and then I’m leaving these airheads. I’ll be Lady Captain America, Defendress of the American Way!

“Chicks are cute and fluffy,” said Barbie in a sunshiny voice which perfectly matched her sunshiny breastplate. “I love chicks.”

“I don’t mind ‘chick’” said Debbie, shrugging. She yanked her yellow and blue square breastplate back down over her breasts. “That’s what my boyfriend calls me. I call him babe.”

“Chicks are too small to eat and they make messes everywhere,” said Phyllis, the oldest and most practical of the group. “No chicks!”

“But ‘women’ just sounds so cold,” protested Barbie. “Can’t we be something fluffy?”

“You mean like a fox in a hen house?” asked Linda, snidely.

Unfortunately, her sarcasm sailed right over their heads, and from then on the team was known as “The Super Foxes.”

Linda could feel her self-esteem shriveling up and dying with each passing day.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

STRIPED STYLE

MATERIALS: All styles are made with Patons Canadiana Knitting Worsted or Patons Carefree Canadiana Sayelle. Where 2 or 3 colours are used, one (2 oz) ball of main colour B and one ball each of contrasting colours A and C will leave sufficient yarn to use as contrasting colours in one other design as well.

While I appreciate the use of authentic Canadian spelling, and equally authentic easy-care premium Canadian Acrylic yarn, I’m puzzled by the decision to have the letter “B” stand in for the main colour. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have the main colour as “A”, and then the contrasting colours would be “B” and “C”? I don’t want to forget halfway through my project which one was the main colour!

For the solid colour style, you will need 2 balls and this will also leave sufficient for one contrasting colour in another style.

Before you begin, figure out the fewest balls of yarn necessary to complete all four projects. Remember, frugal knitters save polymers!

One No. 8 (4.00 mm) Milward aluminum crochet hook or whichever hook you require to produce the tension quoted for each style. 8 buttons for striped style. 2 buttons each for round and square styles. 1 button for hexagonal style.

You must use the exact yarns specified to be sure of satisfactory results.

But they won’t tell you which colour of Patons Canadiana to use. Because clearly colour has nothing whatsoever to do with obtaining satisfactory results. All that matters is that you use Patons’ yarn.

Note: No sizes are given for these designs as they can be made to fit any bust side by adjusting the length of the side pieces. Since it is difficult to judge the exact length required until both side pieces are completed, we recommend that when fastening off these pieces, a length of yarn be left attached in order to work a few more rows if necessary.

TENSION: 4 sts= 1 inch.

The bad news is that wearing an acrylic breastplate in the middle of summer is unlikely to result in a feeling of satisfaction, no matter what brand of yarn you use.

Beginning at side edge with B, ch 5 sts.

Foundation row: (right side). 1 hdc in 2nd ch from hook. 1 hdc in each ch to end of ch. Ch 1. Turn. (5 sts in row).

1st row: (Turning ch always counts as 1st st). Miss 1st st. 1 sc in each st to end of row. Break B.

2nd row: With A, ch 2. 1 hdc in 1st st. 1 hdc in each st to last st. 2 hdc in last st. Ch 1. Turn. (7 sts in row).

3rd row: As 1st row. Break A.

4th row: With C, as 2nd row. (9 sts in row).

5th row: With C, as 1st row. Break C.

The good news is that you can sue Patons demanding satisfaction!

Continue working 2 rows in each colour, increasing 1 st each end of row on next and every alternate row to 39 sts in row, thus ending with 2nd row of C.

Next row: With A, as 2nd row. (41 sts in row). Work 3 rows even. Break A.

Next row: With C, ch 2. Miss 1st st. 1 hdc in each st to last st. Miss last st. Ch 1. Turn. (40 sts in row).

Next row: Miss 1 st. 1 sc in each st to last st. Miss last st. Turn (39 sts in row). Break C.

Although, if you’re looking for legal satisfaction, don’t take your case to Judge Judy.

Join A and continue working 2 rows in each colour decreasing 1 st at end of each row to 5 sts in row, thus ending with 2nd row of B. Do not fasten off.

Next row: Ch 2. Miss 1st st. 1 hdc in each st to end of row. Turn.

Repeat last row until strap measures desired length to middle of back. See note on page 2...

Or just scroll up this page.

...then fasten off.

Judge Judy is likely to point at the photo above and yell at you, “What did you expect? That you could make a silk purse out of sow’s ear? Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Beauty fades, but dumb is forever!”

With right side of work facing, join B in 1st st of foundation ch. Ch 2. Miss 1st ch. 1 hdc in each of next 4 ch. Turn.

Continue as given for 1st strap to last row.

Last row: Ch 2. Miss 1st st. 1 hdc in next st. Ch 1. Miss 1st st for buttonhole. 1 hdc in each of last 2 sts. Fasten off.

With right side of work facing, join B in end of 1st row of 1st A stripe and work 1 row sc along edge to last stripe. Fasten off. Work 1 row sc along other edge.

Besides, do you really want millions of TV viewers to see you wearing a less than satisfactory, crocheted breastplate?

NECK BAND: With B, ch 70 sts. 1 dc in 3rd ch from hook. 1 dc in next ch. * 2 dc in next ch. 1 dc in each of next 2 ch. Repeat from * to end of ch. Fasten off.

With right side of work facing and using 2 strands of yarn, join B in back loop of st at top of centre stripe. Ch 3. Fasten off. Sew top of ch to back loop of centre st on neck band. Miss 1 st and join B in next st. Ch 5. Fasten off. Sew top of ch to corresponding st on neck band. Missing 1 st between each chain, work 2 more chains (one 7 ch long and one 9 ch long) and sew those to neck band in same manner.

For goodness sake, don’t “ch” when you should “chain”. If you do, you’ll be marooned in a nightmare world of psychedelic cartoons and silhouettes obsessed with phonics.

Work 3 chains of corresponding lengths on other side of centre stripe and sew to neck band (7 chains in all).

Okay, we’ve got the chains. Now where are the whips?

Press lightly, blocking to shape. Sew button to correspond to buttonhole on side strap. Sew button at end of neck band and use space between sts for buttonhole. Sew 6 buttons evenly spaced along centre stripe as illustrated.

These purely decorative buttons have no purpose other than to create the illusion that you could flash your breasts at will. In fact, between these naughty buttons and the multiple chains at the neck, this crochet pattern is kinda kinky.

Therefore, when crocheting up a superheroine breastplate, it’s important to remember that seventies summer fun could easily be mistaken for all season fetish wear. And whatever you do, don’t wear it to your court date.

ETA: Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 - Get the complete set!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Your Grapes are Gay!

Grape Shade Pull Pattern from Kitchen Crochet, Book No. 304, 1954

So you’ve finished making your grape mats and potholder. Congratulations!

But you’re nowhere near done. Sure, your kitchen counters are all grapey now, but what about the rest of your house? Where are the grapes in your living room, your bathroom, your conservatory, your library with Professor Plum and the candlesticks?

Well, now you can have grapes in every room of your house! Or at least every room that happens to have shades. Or fans. Or lamps. Or anything else that needs a good, hard pull.

Heck, you can even hang them off your children! Just don’t use them in public.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

GRAPE SHADE PULL . . . S-499

Clearly, these are seedless grapes.

J. & P. COATS “KNIT-CRO-SHEEN,” Art. A. 64: 8 yards of No. 48 Hunter’s Green; and

J. & P. COATS BEST SIX CORD MERCERIZED CROCHET, Art. A. 104, Size 30: 14 yards of No. 18-A Shaded Purples.

Milwards Steel Crochet Hooks No. 7 and No. 10.

11 bone rings, 1/2 inch in diameter.

That’s right, bone! None of that cheap plastic stuff for gay gadgets.

With Shaded Purples and No. 10 hook, sc closely around each bone ring. Join and break off. Sew rings together to form a bunch of grapes as illustrated.

Otherwise, the minute – the very minute! – people step into your home, they will look at your grape shade pulls and say, “She used plastic rings. How shocking!”

CORD . . . Cut 4 strands of Hunter’s Green, each 1 yard long. Twist these strands tightly, double and give them a twist in the opposite direction. Knot free ends. Sew Cord in place.

And your guests will be so insulted that you didn’t think they were worth genuine bone rings, that they won’t even notice how tightly you twisted your strands. They will turn right around and march out the front door.

They will!

LEAF (Make 2) . . . With Hunter’s Green and No. 7 hook, ch 15, 2 sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Break off. Sew a leaf to each side of cord.

And that’s it! Except for the twenty more of these gull-winged, seedless grape pulls you’ll need to make in order to create a unified theme for your home. Because if you choose to make different shade pulls for each room the gay gadget mafia will shun you.

But fear not, interior decorating anarchists! I will provide patterns for the other shade pulls eventually. Because everyone needs more kitschy crap... I mean, gay gadgets in their life.

Click here for the printable pattern.

The Grapes of Bottle-Capped Wrath

Grape Arbor Bottle Cap Mat and Pot Holder pattern from Table Magic, Book No. 298, 1953.

Every savvy, 1950s housewife knew that asbestos mats and hot pads were passé. Besides, between her beer guzzling hubby and hopped up on pop offspring, she was hip deep in bottle caps that were just begging to be magically transformed into kitchen kitsch.

You too can experience bottle cap magic, as it’s likely that modern day beer bottle screw-caps will work equally well for these patterns.

However, if tacky, purple grape-shaped hot pads are all you produce when you allow your imagination to run riot, you seriously need to get out more.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Grape Arbor large mat, medium mat and pot holder S-406

J & P Coats “Knit-Cro-Sheen,” Art. A. 64: 5 balls of No. 18-A Shaded Purples and 2 balls of No. 48 Hunter’s Green.

Ah, Good ol’ Knit-Cro-Sheen. Last seen on this bathing beauty.

Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 7.

84 bottle caps . . . ¼ yard felt.

Boy, I thought I was kidding about how many bottle caps 1950s housewives had laying about.

Large Mat . . . Using Shaded Purples cover 54 bottle caps as for No. S-407.

Hey, this pattern came first, it’s not fair that Magic Mat S-407 got the full instructions. What did the Magic Mat do, sleep with the editor?

Warning: Handmade by Mother takes no responsibility for any injuries resulting from use of a crocheted bottle cap mat as a sex toy.

At any rate, here’s the instructions from Magic Mat:

Bottle Cap Cover . . . Starting at center, ch 4.

1st rnd: 19 dc in 4th ch from hook. Join to top of ch-4.

2nd rnd: 2 sc in same place as sl st. * sc in next 4 dc, 2 sc in next dc. Repeat from * around. Join.

3rd to 6th rnds incl: Sc in each sc around. Join.

7th rnd: Ch 3, dc in each sc around. Join and break off, leaving a 6-inch length of thread. Insert a bottle cap and sew up opening by gathering last rnd.

Repeat 53 times. Unless you’re prone to Repetitive Strain Injuries.

Then it’s finally time to return to the under-loved grape arbor pattern.

Sew together as shown in illustration.

As in the single photo provided above. Doesn’t it look like hours of fun? Hours and hours and hours of fun.

Leaf (Make 2) . . . Starting at the center with Hunter’s Green, ch 20.

Despite what Bad FanFic had lead me to believe, completely random overuse of the ". . . " isn’t a modern phenomenon after all.

1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, 3 sc in last ch; working along opposite side of starting chain make sc in each ch across to within last 2 ch. Ch 1, turn. Hereafter pick up back loop on each sc.

2nd row: Sc in each sc to center sc of 3 sc group, 3 sc in center sc, sc in each remaining sc to within last 2 sc. Ch 1, turn.

3rd to 8th rows incl: Repeat 2nd row.

9th row: Sc in each sc to center sc of 3-sc group, sl st in center sc. Break off.

Random use of dashes appears to date back to the 50s too. Feel free to use this pattern as evidence the next time an elderly curmudgeon complains about how the internet has destroyed punctuation.

Holding leaves back to back, sew around outer edges. Make 2 more leaves the same way. Sew to mat as shown in illustration.

Medium Mat . . . Make 30 grapes and 3 leaves as before. Sew together as shown in illustration.

Pot Holder . . . Cut 2 thicknesses of felt the size of a bottle cap (1 1/8 inches in diameter) for each grape. Make 2 leaves and 19 grapes, using felt in place of bottle caps.

Thank God. I’d imagined housewives across 1950s North America cutting themselves to shreds using metal bottle cap potholders. Still wouldn’t recommend it as a sex toy though. Those leaves look like they’d leave welts.

Sew together as before. Attach Hunter’s Green between leaves and ch. 20.

Sl st in same place where thread was attached, then sc closely around chain. Join and break off.

Now gaze with pride at your grape-like housewares. But don’t get them wet, or they’ll leave rust stains. Beware of inadvertently scratching your counter tops with them too. In fact, you probably shouldn’t use them at all. Just gaze at them with pride.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Yarns Gone Wild

Ad for DMC Cotton and Wool from “Ladies’ Home Journal Needle & Craft”, Spring/Summer 1975.

Naturally, you can tell those are DMC yarns and threads. In 1975, DMC was the only corporation who raised free range yarns and embroidery floss. In those dark days, all other yarn producers used feed lots and hormone shots, as revealed by the gut-wrenching TV ads produced by P.E.T.Y. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Yarn).

Of course, there’s always the risk of the yarns being damaged in stampedes like the one you see above. But isn’t it worth getting a bit of wool in your cotton, or cotton in your wool, to know that your yarns led happy lives cavorting in the ivy before being forcibly stitched into a life of slavery as your knit sweater or embroidered smock.

That’s right, polyester suits were popular in the seventies because of the Yarn Rights Movement. I read it in Wikipedia.

For even more snark:


Maybe I’ve watched too many Discovery Channel shows, but that’s beginning to look less like a stampede and more like an unconstrained, mating season orgy.

Dear God, that means bulky yarns and embroidery floss are making it with each other! 3 ply and 1 ply are intertwined in sweaty, frenzied lasciviousness! I don’t care if the result is “a panorama of over 1800 brilliant colors.” This uninhibited blending of cottons and wools is a slippery slope that will lead to cats and dogs living together and complete chaos.

Go to your knitting bag, and separate your worsted and DK before it’s too late!

Sure, He Looks Cute NOW...

Bathing Trunks pattern from Youngsters Fashions in Wool, Vol. 67, 1948.

Just five years old, and he’s saying, “See these fishes on my bathing trunks? They’re a Sicilian message. Mess with me and you gonna sleep with the fishes.”

And you think, “Aw, how adorable!”

But that’s because he’s still just a little guy. Give him a few years to grow, and he’ll look like this...

Not so sweet now, is he?

I dare you to ask him if he still has those trunks!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

No. 246 – Bathing Trunks
Size 4 to 6 years

MATERIALS:

2 balls Nylon Yarn, m. c. (1 oz. ball)
1 ball Nylon Yarn each in 2 contrasting colors (1 oz. ball)
1 pair silvalume knitting needles each No. 2 and No. 3
1 crochet hook No. 3

Silvalume needles are still available! They feature a “velvety smooth aluminum surface in buttery-soft colors”.

Honestly, between the “gently rounded tips” and smooth finish guaranteed by Susan Bates, it’s like reading needle porn.

GAUGE: 6 1/2 sts. = 1 inch

BACK:

With m.c. and No. 2 needles cast on 72 sts and work in ribbing K 1, P 1 for 1/2 inch. Next row for beading: * K 1, P 1, yarn over, P 2 tog. Repeat from * across row. Work K 1, P 1 until ribbing measures 2 inch., increasing 4 sts at even intervals across last row of ribbing. Change to No. 3 needles and stocking st. Follow chart No. 246 and K the fish design, but at the same time incr. 1 st. at each end of needle every 4th row until 82 sts. are on needle. Work even until piece measures 6 1/2 inch. Decr. 1 st. at the beg. and end of every row until 42 sts. are left.

My 11 year old boy just walked up behind me and looked at the chart. “Bugs?” he asked, sounding hopeful.

“They’re supposed to be fishes,” I said.

“They look like bugs. Like bugs on his pants!”

You know... they do kinda look like earwigs. Not sure what message that would send in Sicily.

Now start crotch and keep decr. as before for legs:

1st row: K 2 tog., K 19, incr. 1 st., K 19, K 2 tog.

2nd row: P 2 tog., P 37, P 2 tog.

3rd row: K 2 tog., K 17, incr. 1 st., K 1, incr. 1 st., K 17, K 2 tog.

4th row: P 2 tog., P 35, P 2 tog.

5th row: K 2 tog., K 15, incr. 1 st., K 3, incr. 1 st., K 15, K 2 tog.

6th row: P 2 tog., P 33, P 2 tog.

Continue in this manner, decr. 1 st. at each end of every row and incr. 2 sts. for crotch every other row, having 2 more sts. between increases until all leg sts. are decreased, and only 21 crotch sts. are left. Put sts. on a holder.

Of course, if you knit the fishes in green, you could say they’re tadpoles. Although, you’ll be sleeping with the tadpoles lacks a certain menacing quality.

FRONT:

Work front the same way as back.

FINISHING:

Weave crotch sts. tog. Right side facing you pick up with No. 2 needles 76 sts. and K 1, P 1 for 6 rows. Bind off loosely. K as K and P as P. Work the same way around other leg. Sew up side seams. Crochet a chain using 3 strands of each color and pull through beading. Steam lightly.

Fishes, fishes all around! Except on the sides, where there’ll be wide swaths of plain fabric. In fact, the fishes are oddly clustered together in one central spot...

Should anyone consider inflicting this pattern on a child, I would suggest spacing the fishes a little more evenly.

After all, future mobsters don’t take well to public humiliation.

Click here for the printable pattern.

She's Waiting for Your Call

Ad for Sirdar's Summer Breeze yarn, from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer, 1968

It’s Jumpy. By which I can only assume the yarn is hopped up on caffeine.

It’s Terrific. Eight two-tone fashion colours sounds more okay than terrific, and what’s with “snow white”? Were meteorologists predicting “frost-like” summer breezes for 1968?

It’s Cool. I’ll bet an English Lit Major interning at the marketing department was very proud of that word choice.

“Check it out,” he told everyone. “It’s both cool and cool. Get it?”

“I hate him,” thought the photographer. But he kept his cool by photographing a hot chick suggestively straddling a pier. “One day,” he promised himself, “I’ll work for Playboy.”

The editor added wonderfully in front of wearable and washable. “Wonderful works for Disney so it’s got to work for us!”

The head of marketing insisted on adding the line, “She’s in Leaflet No. 2412.” “Sex sells,” he intoned, chomping on his cigar.

When the intern saw the final ad, he felt a piece of his soul shrivel up and die.

For even more snark:">

While Sirdar is still spinning yarn in the UK, Continental Yarns has long since disappeared. The last anyone heard of them was in 1981 when one of their abandoned manufacturing plants was taken over by Harper Wyman, maker of electric ranges and gas grills renowned for their dainty nubbiness.

By the way, Harper Wyman is also still around, though they are now manufacturing fabricated metal parts that are wonderfully washable, but probably not wonderfully wearable.

I couldn’t track down the unnamed model, but I assume she’s now running her own phone sex business. That’s right, Granny is sexy, and she’s waiting for your call!

Your Towels Should Be Multi-Tasking, Part Deux

Basket Towel Set Pattern from Quick Tricks in Crochet, Book No. 13, 1950

Yesterday, you had time off to get in a few rounds of goofy golf, but now it’s time to get back to the serious business of making mercerized cotton flower baskets for your towels. After all, it just wouldn’t do if you only had one large towel that was capable of drying your children, stockpiling bath supplies, and displaying your dazzling crochet skills.

Furthermore, towels always traveled in complete sets in the 1950s and for a very good reason...

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Medium Basket – Front . . . Work as for Large Basket until 20 rows are completed. Ch 5, turn at end of 20th row.

21st row: Skip first sc, dc in next sc, * ch 9, skip 9 sc, dc in next sc, ch 2, dc in next sc. Repeat from * across. Ch 3, turn.

22nd row: 6 dc in first sp, * 7 sc in next sp, 7 dc in next ch-2 sp. Repeat from * across. Break off.

Back in the 1950s, the washroom AKA the bathroom AKA the powder room AKA the goldfish graveyard was a far more perilous place than it is now.

Base . . . Attach Green to opposite side of starting chain and work as for Large Basket.

During the early Cold War, washrooms were hotbeds of Communism.

Back . . . Using Green, ch 69.

1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch 5, turn.

2nd and 3rd rows: Repeat 21st and 22nd rows of Front.

Banned unions handed out pamphlets in factory washrooms under management’s noses.

Handle . . . Work as for Large Basket until piece measures 15 inches. Break off.

Which is pretty darn clever. . . I mean, communism is bad, m’kay?

Flowers . . . Make 2 each of Mid Pink, Blue, Shaded Yellows, Shaded Purples and Shaded Lavenders, and 1 each of Pink, Purple and Shaded Blues. Make all centers Yellow.

If you make some of those centers anything other than Yellow, you are a communist!

Sew entire basket and flowers to hand towel.

Now, it is imperative that you make a basket for your wash cloth AKA face cloth AKA flannel AKA useless piece of terry cloth once you’ve covered it with a flower basket.

Small Basket . . . Starting at bottom with Green, ch 20. Work as for Large Basket until 14 rows are completed. Ch 5, turn at the end of 14th row.

15th row: Skip first sc, dc in next sc, * ch 6, skip 6 sc, dc in next sc, ch 2, dc in next sc. Repeat from * across. Ch 3, turn.

16th row: 6 dc in first sp, * 4 sc in next sp, 7 dc in next ch-2 sp. Repeat from * across. Break off.

By this point, it probably has occurred to you that all of these mercerized cotton baskets might interfere with the washing and drying functions of your towels and washcloths.

Base . . . 1st row: Attach Green to opposite side of starting chain, make 19 sc evenly across the bottom. Ch 3, turn.

2nd row: 6 dc in, first sc, * skip 2 sc, sc in next sc, skip 2 sc, 7 dc in next sc. Repeat from * across. Break off.

Do not give into these misgivings. Capitalism depends on entrepreneurs constantly building a better mouse trap.

Handle . . . Work as for Large Basket until piece measures 8 inches. Break off.

Flowers . . . Make 1 each of Purple, Pink, Lt. Steel Blue and Shaded Blues. Make all centers Yellow.

However, do not fill these baskets with cheese.

Sew basket to corner of wash cloth, leaving top open to form pocket. Sew handle in place. Sew flowers to basket.

Now start stuffing those flowery baskets with anything you might need to defend your bathtub against the Red Menace: soap, toothbrushes, razors, toilet paper rolls, toilet plungers, and .50 caliber Browning heavy machine guns. The Free World is depending on you and your towels!

But if you need to actually dry something, you better stock up on Scot Tissue Towels.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Your Towels Should Be Multitasking, Part 1

Basket Towel Set Pattern from Quick Tricks in Crochet, Book No. 13, 1950

“In my day,” the old, raggedy pink towel grumbled, “we didn’t laze around waiting until some human wanted to rub us against his wet, naked body!”

A giggle was heard from the brand new towel set. “Yeah right, grandpa,” the facecloth jeered.

“Listen here, you snot-nosed brat, this crocheted basket I’m sporting wasn’t just for show! During the Korean War, I carried extra facecloths to help fight the dirty Reds on the Home Front! The hand towels, well I don’t rightly remember what their baskets were for, but the facecloths kept the soap nice and handy so Mother could wash out Little Brother’s mouth whenever he cussed!”

“Now, now,” a faded pink hand towel murmured, “mind your blood pressure.”

Grandpa Towel ignored his wife, “Without us towels pulling the weight of two housewares, our Family would have been a one way trip to Germsville!”

Peals of laughter echoed throughout the hall closet. Grandpa’s threats of revenge against the new towel set were muffled by a worn terry cloth facecloth that still smelled faintly of Palmolive soap.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Basket Towel Set FV-388

Materials:

Clark’s “Anchor” Pearl Cotton, Size 5: 5 balls each of No. 776 Hunter’s Green,

Hunter’s Green is a shade of Hunter Green preferred by Grammar Nazis.

1 ball each of No. 693 Mid Pink, No. 437 Mid Rose,

Avoid at all costs those Extreme Pinks and Roses.

No. 507 Blue, No. 508 Lt. Steel Blue, No. 897 Shaded Yellows, No. 889 Shaded Lavenders, Shaded Dk. Purples, No. 893 Shaded Dk. Blues, No. 584 Dk. Lavender, No. 443 Dk. Yellow

And don’t you dare experiment with bright, sunlit colours.

and No. 694 Purple, or

Clark’s “Anchor” Cronita: 2 balls of No. 48 Hunter’s Green and any desired colors for flowers.

Reject conformity and strike out on my own? Surely you jest.

Milward’s “Ship” Brand Steel Crochet Hook No. 7

Just keep in mind that Milward’s Ship Brand has long since sailed, probably due to their non-standard hook sizes.

A pink bath towel, hand towel and wash cloth.

No alternate colour choices offered here. Insisting on pink towels was probably to ensure that your tough, WWII veteran husband wouldn’t be tempted to use them, thereby preserving your lovely stack of decorative towels. But don’t forget to dust them at least once a week.

Large Basket – Front . . . Starting at bottom with Green, ch. 28.

1st row: Dc in 4th ch from hook, * ch 2, skip 2 ch, dc in next 2 ch. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn.

2nd row: Sc in first 2 dc, * 2 sc in next sp, sc in next 2 dc. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn.

3rd row: Skip first sc, dc in next sc, * ch 2, skip 2 sc, dc in next 2 sc. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn.

4th and 5th rows: Repeat 2nd and 3rd rows.

6th row: Repeat 2nd row.

7th row: Skip first sc, dc in next sc, * ch 3, skip 2 sc, dc in next 2 sc. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn.

8th row: Sc in first 2 dc, * 3 sc in next sp, sc in next 2 dc. Repeat from * across, ending with sc in top of turning chain. Ch 3, turn.

9th row: Skip first sc, dc in next sc, * ch 4, skip 3 sc, dc in next 2 sc. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn.

10th row: Sc in first 2 dc, * 4 sc in next sp, sc in next 2 dc. Repeat from * across. Ch 3, turn.

11th to 32nd rows incl: Work in pattern, always having dc’s fall above dc’s of previous dc row, and having 1 ch more between dc’s on each dc row and 1 sc more between dc’s on each sc row.

It would have probably saved a lot of typing if this pattern had been explained earlier than the 11th row. Just sayin’.

Ch 5, turn, and end of 32nd row.

33rd row: Skip first sc, dc in next sc, * ch 15, skip 15 sc, dc in next sc, ch 2, dc in next sc. Repeat from * across. Ch 3, turn.

34th row: 6 dc in first sp, * 12 sc in next sp, 7 dc in next ch-2 sp. Repeat from * across. Break off.

Hey, just because this is the end of the Front part of the basket, don’t think you can get away with gratuitous hyphenating of that ch 2 without me noticing!

Base . . .

1st row: Attach Hunter’s Green to opposite side of starting chain and sc in each st across. Ch 4, turn.

2nd row: Skip first sc, tr in next sc, * ch 4, skip 2 sc, tr in next 2 sc. Repeat from * across. Ch 1, turn.

Please notice I’m not holding against the pattern editor the use of tr (treble) instead of the now standard tc (triple crochet).

3rd row: * Sc between next 2 tr, 5 sc in next sp. Repeat from * across, ending with sc between last tr and turning chain. Ch 4, turn.

4th row: 6 tr in first sc, * skip 2 sc in next sc, skip 2 sc, 7 tr in next sc. Repeat from * across. Break off.

After all, I don’t want to give the impression that I’m being unreasonable.

Back . . . Using Hunter’s Green, ch 105.

1st row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch 5, turn.

2nd and 3rd row: Repeat 33rd and 34th rows of Front.

Although I suppose it’s in poor taste that I’m taking comfort in the thought that this booklet’s editor is likely dead.

Handle . . . Starting at narrow edge with Hunter’s Green, ch 4.

1st row: In 4th ch from hook make 2 dc, ch 2 and 2 dc. Ch 5, turn.

2nd row: In ch-2 sp make 2 dc, ch 2 and 2 dc. Ch 5, turn. Repeat 2nd row until piece measures 18 inches. Break off.

And I do realize that the editor likely hyphenated the ch 2 here to prevent the chaos and confusion caused by beginning the instructions with “In ch 2 sp”.

Flower . . . Starting at center with Mid Pink, ch 6. Join with sl st to form ring.

For all I know, lives were saved by the editorial decision to go with ch-2 sp.

1st rnd: Ch 3, 20 dc in ring. Join with sl st to top of ch-3.

But there’s no excuse for hyphenating that ch 3!

2nd rnd: * Ch 4, holding back on hook the last loop of each tr make tr in next 2 dc, thread over and draw through all loops on hook (cluster made); ch 4, sl st in next dc. Repeat from * around. Join.

3rd rnd: * 4 sc over next ch-4, in tip of cluster make sc, ch 3, and sc; 4 sc over next ch-4.

That’s it! I’m digging up the editor’s body, and salting and burning the bones!

Repeat from * around. Join.

Center . . . Starting at center with Yellow, ch 4, 14 dc in 4th ch from hook. Join and break off. Sew center to flower.

Or maybe I should just switch to decaf.

Make 2 more flowers of Mid Pink, 2 Mid Rose, 3 Blue, 2 Lt. Steel Blue, 2 Lavender and 1 each of Purple, Shaded Yellows, Shaded Purples, Shaded Lavenders and Shaded Blues. Make all centers Yellow.

Sew back of basket and handle to bath towel. Sew front of basket in place, leaving top open to form pocket. Sew flowers to basket and towel.

Dampen towel with water, and have a nice lay down with a cool cloth on your forehead. Ignore fact that this is a pattern for a towel set and there are two more baskets to crochet and sew onto pink terry cloth.

ETA: The second part is here.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Summer of Polyester Love

Pinwheel Crochet Inserts from Ladies’ Home Journal Needle & Craft, Spring/Summer 1975

As my childhood memories fade to black, I wonder how people survived the sweltering summers of the 1970s wearing their beloved polyester. After all, this fabric has a breathability rating somewhere between unbearably stuffy and utterly suffocating.

But thanks to the recent discovery of this pattern, fashion archeologists have uncovered the secret of surviving polyester summer wear – air vents! Lots and lots of air vents.

Sure, this magazine called them “pinwheels” in a doomed effort to make them sound stylish. But the photo above reveals that no one would sew crocheted crop circles onto their clothing unless it was an absolute necessity. Those crocheted exhaust vents are there to prevent that tacky polyester skirt from becoming a tacky cesspool of stinky sweatiness!

Ultimately, the popularity of this unattractive advance in crochet engineering was short-lived. In 1977, a troublemaker by the name of Mr. G. Lucas revealed that unshielded exhaust vents were highly vulnerable to proton torpedo attacks. And polyester was once again a smelly, sticky summer fashion don’t.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Directions for Crochet Inserts

Alas, only the crocheted portion of this outfit was provided. The photo caption states that the blouse and skirt was made with Vogue pattern 1084 using Springmaid fabric. However, I suspect that you can easily substitute any pattern favoured by fundamentalist Mormon compounds, as long as you select a polyester print that makes even the colourblind weep.

Small Insert measures 5 ¼” in diameter. Large Insert measures 8” in diameter.

Materials: J & P Coats “Knit-Cro-Sheen” Art. A. 64-C: 2 (175-yard) balls of #43 Dk. Yellow.

Steel Crochet Hook, No. 7 OR SIZE TO OBTAIN MEASUREMENT OF INSERT.

I swear I will, just please stop shouting at me!

Small Insert: Make 1.

Hardly seems fair that your breasts get to breathe sweet, fresh air but your back doesn’t.

Ch 6. Join with sl st to form ring.

Rnd. 1: Ch 3 to count as 1 dc, 14 dc in ring. Join with sl st to top of ch-3 – 15 dc, counting ch-3 as 1 dc.

Rnd 2: Ch 6, *dc in next dc, ch 3; rep from * around. Join to 3rd ch of ch-6 – 15 sps.

Rnd 3: Sl st in each of next 2 ch, ch 7, * dc in next sp, ch 4; repeat from * around. Join to 3rd ch of ch-7.

Rnd 4: Sl st in each of next 2 ch, ch 3, 2 dc in same sp, * ch 2, 3 dc in next ch-4 sp; rep from * around, end with ch 2. Join to top of ch-3.

Although, I suppose if Deanna Troi and Melinda Gordon have taught me anything, it's that your psychic powers only work when you expose as much of your cleavage as possible.

Rnd 5: Sl st in next 2 dc and in following 2 ch, ch 3, 2 dc in same sp, * ch 3, sk next 3 dc, make 3 dc in next sp; rep from * around, end with ch 3. Join to top of ch-3.

Rnd 6: Making ch 4 (instead of ch 3) for sps, work as Rnd 5.

Rnd 7: Sl st in each dc to next sp and in following 2 ch, ch 3, 3 dc in same sp, * ch 5, 4 dc in next sp; rep from * around, end with ch 5. Join to top of ch-3.

Rnd 8: Rep Rnd 7,

Rnd 9: Ch 1, sc in same ch as joining, make sc in each dc and 5 sc in each sp around. Join to first sc. Break off and fasten.

Large Insert: Make 4.

Just remember, if you make an insert the size of a womp rat, you’re just asking for trouble.

Work same as Small Insert until Rnd 8 has been completed.

Rnd 9: Sl st in each dc to next sp and in following 2 ch, ch 3, 4 dc in same sp, *ch 5, 5 dc in next sp; rep from * around, end with ch 5. Join.

Rnd 10: Making ch 6 (instead of ch 5) for sps, work same as Rnd 9.

Rnd 11: Ch 1, sc in same ch as sl st, make sc in each dc and 6 sc in each sp around. Join to first sc.

Rnd 12: Ch 1, sc in same st as joining, sc in each sc around. Join. Break off and fasten.

To apply Crochet Circles to Skirt and Blouse:

Draw diameter of circles on tissue paper. Pin crochet to paper on ironing board and press. Mark circles on skirt and blouse, centering circle on blouse 1 ½” below finished necklace. Place circles on skirt (two on front, two on back)

I have the sudden urge to put three in front, and only one in back. In fact, nothing is stopping you from making as many small and large pinwheel inserts as you want.

about 4 ½” apart, 9” from hemline.

Or putting them as close together as you want. Go on and get freaky with it!

Mark circles on skirt and blouse ½” smaller than the finished crochet circles. Stitch around markings, leaving 5/8” seam allowance inside circles. Cut out circle from seam allowance line, clip around entire circle, turn to inside along stitch lines. Press.

And if you do get freaky, be sure to take photos. Lots and lots of photos.

Baste crocheted circles to openings, leaving approximately ¼” around on wrong side. Stitch crochet circle to opening with machine stitching close to cut-out circle stitching.

And you’re done! Now, contemplate how much easier it would have been just to sew a blouse and skirt in nice, breathable cotton that wouldn’t need air vents.

Be sure that any of your tears that fall onto the polyester are at least 4 ½” apart.

Click here for the printable pattern

Errata: A sharp-eyed (and immensely tactful) reader has pointed out to me that Springmaid fabric was almost certainly 100% cotton. I could argue that in 1971 they brought in ultrasuede, but this dress is clearly not made of that.

For one brief shining moment, I thought the seventies made sense. But sadly, as it turns out, there's NO reason on earth why anyone would need air vents in this dress. And the mystery of how they survived polyester in the seventies remains unsolved. (I suspect copious quantities of illicit substances probably helped.)

Beach Blanket Shenanigans

Doll's Bathing Suit, Beach Coat, and Accessories Patterns from McCall’s Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer, 1969

I don’t trust the look on Camera Girl Barbie’s face. She looks like she’s plotting something nefarious.

Come to think of it... we can’t see all of her right hand, can we? What could she be hiding behind her back?

Bathing Beauty Barbie, look behind you!

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

emerald bathing suit: just three straight pieces – two are sewn together for pants, one is shaped with chain cord for a halter top. Simple to make in single crochet.

I can’t blame Camera Girl Barbie for feeling just a titch homicidal. After all, it’s a hot summer day, and she’s wearing a bulky knitted shift, which wasn’t “easy” to make. Meanwhile Bathing Beauty Barbie is lounging around in a skimpy crocheted bikini.

DOLL’S BATHING SUIT

SIZE: Fits 11 1/2’’ fashion doll.

Names have been withheld to protect the innocent.

MATERIALS: Fingering yarn, 3 ply, 1/4 oz. Steel crochet hook No. 3. Small snap fastener. Yarn needle.

Fingering yarn? Camera Girl Barbie’s shift is made of ORLON. That’s right, Orlon, also known as polyacrylonitrile fiber, and made from natural gas. No wonder Camera Girl Barbie looks ready to explode.

GAUGE: 6 sc = 1’’; 8 rows = 1’’.

SHORTS: Beg at lower edge, ch 31 to measure about 5’’.

Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each remaining ch – 30 sc. Ch 1, turn each row.

Rows 2-9: Sc in each sc across.

Row 10: * Sk 1 sc, sc in next sc, repeat from * across – 15 sc (waist). End off. For crotch, ch 5, work in sc on 4 sts for 8 rows. End off.

Okay, Orlon won’t actually explode during your average summer heat wave. But it’s so hot today, the sea has baked into a solid, green slab, trapping the sailboats just like paper glued to cardboard.

FINISHING: Sew ends of shorts tog for 6 rows (back seam). Sew crotch in place. Sew snap fastener to top of back opening.

Those aren’t the cries of gulls you hear, Bathing Beauty Barbie, they’re the screams of roasting sailors.

Or maybe they’re your own! (cue Psycho music)

BRA: Ch 21 to measure about 3 1/2’’.

Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each remaining ch – 20 sc. Ch 1, turn each row.

Rows 2-6: Sc in each sc across. At end of row 6, sc in end st of 3 rows down edge of bra, ch 30 for tie. End off. Attach yarn at center of other end, ch 30. End off.

For halter tie, ch 70. End off. Tie center of chain around center of bra.

Fortunately for Bathing Beauty Barbie, it turns out that her plastic skin is impervious to silver painted cardboard knives. Deciding to put the scorching heat to good use, Camera Girl Barbie heads off in search for a giant magnifying glass.

A Barbie Girl always knows how to make lemons out of lemonade.

sleeveless coat tops bathing suit for beach ensemble. Coat, made in one straight piece, is sewn at top for shoulders. Double crochet; edging in single crochet.

DOLL’S BEACH COAT

SIZE: Fits 11 1/2’’ fashion doll.

Now in the witness protection program.

MATERIALS: Fingering yarn, 3 ply, 1/4 oz. Steel crochet hook No. 3. Yarn needle.

GAUGE: 6 dc = 1’’; 3 rows = 1’’.

A 4’’ gauge swatch would be almost the same size (and shape!) as the actual coat. Just sayin’.

COAT: Ch 50 to measure about 7’’.

Row 1: Dc in 4th ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch 3, turn.

Row 2: Dc in next dc and in each dc across, dc in top of turning ch – 48 dc, counting ch 3 as 1 dc. Repeat row 2 until piece is 3’’ long. Ch 3, turn.

Front: Dc in next 11 dc – 12 dc. Ch 3, turn. Work 3 rows more of 12 dc. End off.

Back: Attach yarn in dc after front on last long row. Ch 3, dc in each of next 23 dc – 24 dc. Ch 3, turn. Work 3 rows more of 24 dc. End off.

Attach yarn in dc after back on last long row. Ch 3, dc in each of next 10 dc, dc in top of ch 3 – 12 dc for other front. Ch 3, turn. Work 3 more rows of 12 dc. End off.

FINISHING: Press piece. Sew shoulder seams. Work 1 row of sc all around outer edge of coat. Work 1 row of sc around each armhole. Press edges.

doll-size beach towel is made by hemming gay scrap of terry cloth.

A close inspection of the “gay scrap” in question reveals... poodles! Specifically, psychedelic green and blue poodles in purple sweaters, frolicking among helium balloons.

I always knew poodles were countercultural!

BEACH TOWEL

SIZE: 6’’ x 13’’

MATERIALS: Terry cloth with small design. 7’’ x 15’’.

After all, not one, single poodle voted for Nixon.

TOWEL: Make 1/2’’ hem on each long side, 1’’ hem on each end. If plain terry cloth is used, towel can be machine stitched with doll’s name or appliquéd with fish or beach ball designs.

useful beach bag takes a jiffy to sew on machine with three pieces of felt, two strips for handles.

I didn’t realize this was a sewing project. Requiring a *machine* no less.

But then you’re a hip, modern gal, so obviously it’d be unthinkable to sew an inch of felt by hand. That’s something your grandma would do!

BEACH BAG

SIZE: 2 1/4’’ x 1 1/4’’.

MATERIALS: Small pieces of felt.

BAG: For sides, cut two pieces of felt, 2 1/4’’ x 1 1/4’’.

Don’t get careless with your measuring. That quarter inch is critical!

For ends and bottom, cut one strip 5/8’’ wide x 5’’ long.

As is that 5/8ths of an inch. 6/8ths and your project will be ruined! Ruined, I say!

Stitch one edge of strip around ends and bottom of one side piece. Stitch other edge of strip to second side piece. Tack a narrow strip of felt to each side for handles.

perky head scarf has green zigzag-stitched edge to match suit.

Yes, that scarf is certainly perky. It’s standing up like the Pope’s mitre.

SCARF

MATERIALS: Piece of cotton 12’’ x 4’’. Matching and contrasting sewing threads.

SCARF: Hem one long edge of cotton strip for front of scarf. With contrasting thread, zigzag-stitch across one end for 3/4’’, then stitch to center of long raw edge, gradually widening to a depth of 2 1/2’’: finish other half the same. Trim scarf close to zigzag stitching.

Handmade by Mother would like to apologize to any Catholic readers who may be offended. All efforts were made to vet this image in advance. Transcript follows.

Victoria Dunn: “You’re my only openly Catholic friend. Is this offensive?”

Victoria Dunn’s Only Catholic Friend: “Jay-sus wept, woman! What are you thinking? That’s a cross on her little pink Bible!”

Victoria Dunn: “Well yeah, it’s a Bible so. . .”

V.D.O.C.F.: “A cross, not a crucifix! Are you saying that Pope Barbie would read the King James Bible? A Protestant Bible?!”

V.D.: “Er, I was actually wondering if the halter top and short-shorts were a problem.”

V.D.O.C.F.: “Nobody knows what those lot wear under their vestments. But between you and me, a Barbie Pope really ought to be wearing spiffy red shoes.”

Click here for the printable pattern.