Fur is tacky, tacky murder.

Fur Trimmed Helmet and Mittens from Good Housekeeping Needlecraft, Fall-Winter 1973-74

USE FUR FOR A SPECIAL EFFECT

But not a real fur helmet, that’s cruel.

Seriously, that shaggy stuff drooping from her knitwear doesn’t look remotely real. However, it’s a timely reminder that you should always take off your mitts before eating cotton candy.

You can bundle up in cold weather and still look pretty as a picture with fur-trimmed accessories like these. The head covering and mittens have a knitted-in diamond pattern. Ribbing around the neck, face and mitten cuff proves a snug, warm fit. Strips of real fur are sewed on for a unique touch.

Wait, what? That’s REAL fur actually peeled off a REAL animal?

C’mon, what kind of creature has fur like that?

Holy Spaceballs, first a Wookie, and now a Wampa! Although, to be fair, hunting Wampas wasn’t made illegal until a full decade after this pattern was published.

What? Doesn’t everyone know that one of the first acts of the successful Rebels was to protect the gentle, misunderstood Wampa from maniacs with lightsabers?

You must at least be aware of the shameful black market trade in Wampa-skin rugs. Rumour has it that Princess Leia is now wanted for shooting several endangered Wampas from her Space Helicopter.

She’s such a maverick.

For the complete pattern (and more snowman skinning horror):

FUR TRIMMED HELMET/MITTENS

SIZES: One Size Fits All.

Yep, one size fits all, in exactly the same way that the ribbing around the helmet can be described as a “snug, warm fit”.

MATERIALS: Reynolds Lopi: 4 skeins MC, 1 each colors A and B, 1 package Lopi Fur Trim.

Hurray, the helmet and mitts aren’t trimmed with real fur after all! Lopi is yarn that comes from the fleece of Icelandic sheep, which means the trim is made from hanks of unspun wool. So, you can make this pattern with a clear conscience.

What’s that? Wool is cruel too?!

Fine, I’ll just shear my Phentex spiders instead.

Susan Bates knitting needles Nos. 9, 10 ½ and 11 or size to give gauge. Circular needle No. 9. Steel crochet hook Size 0. 1 set large bobbins.

GAUGE: 3 sts =1’’; 4 rows = 1’’.

NOTES: Use bobbins for color changes. Change colors on wrong side, lock strands by picking up new color from under dropped color to prevent holes. Cut and join colors as needed. Run in ends on wrong side. To Follow Chart: Odd Rows (right side): K from right to left on Chart. Even Rows: P from left to right on Chart.

Yes, there’s a couple of charts. Let me assure you,
no animals, real or imaginary, have ever been harmed in the production of charts.

No, really, they’re all fine. A little psychotic, perhaps, but still fine.

MITTENS
RIGHT MITTEN: With MC and No. 10 ½ needles, cast on 40 sts. Work in St st (p 1 row, k 1 row), beg with a p row, for 5 rows. Next Row (right side): K 3, * k 2 tog, k 6, repeat from * across, ending k 2 tog, k 3. Working on 35 sts, work even for 5 rows. Next Row (right side): K 3, * k 2 tog, k 5, repeat from * across, ending k 2 tog, k 2. Working on 30 sts, work even for 5 rows. Next Row (right side): K 3, * k 2 tog, k 4, repeat from * across, ending k 2 tog, k 2. End of Cuff. Change to No. 9 needles. Next Row (wrong side): Working on 25 sts p 1, * k 1, p 1, repeat from * across. Next Row: K 1, * p 1, k 1, repeat from * across. Repeat these 2 rows for 2’’, ending on wrong side. Change to No. 10 ½ needles. NOTE: Follow Chart A for color pat to top of Chart, beg and ending as indicated on Chart. When Chart is completed, work with MC only. Work in St st for 4 rows.

Ta-dah, it’s the first chart! Though, you’ll probably want this part, too...

Otherwise, you might reverse the colours A and B which will lead to all sorts of ecological trouble. Birds will fly off course, bees will try to pollinate you... it’ll be complete anarchy!

Thumb (right side): K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 26 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next 2 sts, k 12 sts. Working on 28 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 2 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 30 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 4, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 32 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 6, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 34 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, and sl them on first st holder, k next 9 sts for thumb, sl remaining 13 sts on 2nd holder, turn work and cast on 1 st (this cast-on st will be before 9 sts knitted on last row). Working on 10 sts, work in St st until piece measures 4’’ or desired length for thumb, ending with a p row. K 2 tog across next row (5 sts). P 2 tog twice (3 sts). Leaving a 10’’ strand, cut yarn. Run end through remaining sts; draw sts tog. Using same piece of yarn, sew sides of thumb tog. Join yarn at base of thumb where sts were put on 2nd holder; k across 13 sts on holder. Next Row: P across 13 sts, and with same strand of yarn p across sts from first holder. Working on 25 sts, work in St st following chart until piece measures 4 ½’’ from joining or desired length to top of little finger, ending with a p row. SHAPE TOP – Dec Row 1: K 1, sl 1 as to k, k 1, psso, work to within last 3 sts, k 2 tog, k 1. Next Row: Purl. Next Row: Bind off center st, place marker between 2 center sts. Repeat Dec Row 1, 3 times; and at same time k 2 tog before center marker, sl 1 as to k, k 1, psso after center marker 3 times (10 sts). Weave top tog. Work Left Mitten the same, beg Chart for diamond motifs with B instead of A.

As an alternative to Lopi “fur”, which tragically appears to have gone extinct, I recommend using faux fur.

FINISHING: Steam press pieces. Sew side seams tog. With MC work 1 row sc along lower edge of Cuff. Fasten off. Fur Trim: Holding Mitten with Cuff away from you, using MC, work sc in each st around bottom of ribbing for ridge. Sew fur under ridge so that fur will lay against Cuff.

However, always ensure that your faux fur comes from an ethical supplier.

This woman is presently serving jail time for disemboweling these teddies in front of several (now permanently traumatized) children.

HELMET
Beg at bottom edge with MC and No. 11 needles, cast on 104 sts. P next row. Next Row (right side): Following Chart, beg with Pat Row 1 of Chart B-1. Work from U to V on Chart B-1, * k 1, k 2 tog, k 1, work from W to X on Chart B-2, k 1, k 2 tog, k 1, work from Y to V on Chart B-1, repeat from * twice, k 1, k 2 tog, k 1, work from W to X once, k 1, k 2 tog, k 1, work from Y to Z (1 st dec in each MC section).

The second eco-friendly chart – guaranteed to be 100% organic and vegan-friendly.

Next Row: Working on 96 sts, p across following chart for motifs; and at the same time, dec 1 st in center of each MC section every other row 3 times, ending with Row 8. Rows 9 and 10: Work in pat on 72 sts. Next Row: Dec 1 st in center of each MC section every other row 3 times. Ribbing. Change to No. 9 needles. Working on 48 sts, work in k 1, p 1 ribbing for 3’’, ending on the right side. Next Row (wrong side): With MC, * p 4 sts, inc 1 st in next st, repeat from * twice, p 3, drop yarn, join another ball of MC, work next 12 sts in ribbing as established and sl them on a holder for face opening, with same strand of MC, p 3 sts, * inc 1 st in next st, p 4 sts, repeat from * twice. Left Half – Next Row: Working on 21 sts, work from WW to X on Chart B-2, then from Y to V on Chart B-1, then from W to WW, then with MC work last 3 sts (face edge). This establishes diamond design. Following Charts B-1 and B-2 for diamond motifs, work 3 sts at face edge in MC, work in pat until piece measures 8’’ above ribbing or desired length to top of back of head, ending with a wrong side row on Chart; and at the same time repeat pat rows reversing Colors when charts are completed. Keeping continuity of pat throughout, on next row bind off 7 sts. Work in pat on 14 sts for 3 rows. On next row bind off first 7 sts. Work in pat for 3 rows. Bind off last 7 sts. Right Half: Join MC at right front neck edge and k first 2 sts; work from WW to X on chart, then from Y to V, then from W to WW. This establishes diamond design. Work to correspond to Left Half, ending 1 row less than Left Half before bind-off. Work same as for Left Half.

If you’re too busy saving the world to wade through this long, indigestible chunk of text, you can always skip the knitting and just use the faux fur.

FINISHING: Steam-press lightly. Sew back and top seam, matching diamonds. Face Ribbing: With right side facing, No. 9 circular needle and MC, beg at neck edge on right half, pick up and k 1 in 3 out of every 4 rows or sts around entire face edge, making sure to have an even number of sts; then work 12 sts from holder on front ribbing as established. Join and work in ribbing for 5 rnds. Bind off loosely in ribbing. With MC work 2 rows of sc along lower edge of hood. Fasten off. Fur Trim: With right side facing, using MC, work 1 row sc around base of ribbing along row from which sts were picked up for ridge. Beg at neck on Right Half and end at neck on Left Half; do not work across 12 sts of ribbing on front. Sew fur under ridge so that fur will lay against helmet.

Because nothing says “I love all of nature’s children” like wearing the skinned carcass of a stuffed animal you killed all by yourself.

Click here for the printable pattern.