Your Bathroom Is Making Me Suicidal

Terry Cloth Laundry Bag and Hosiery Hanger, from Gay and Gifty Crochet Ideas, 1951

The dingy yellow walls and tiles. The dreary industrial-style furnishings. The dismal dime store decorations. The carefully washed stockings hung out to dry, because you can’t go throwing money away on new stockings or anything else that would make you feel young and gay again.

Finally, the pièces de dépression, the laundry bag made out of a washed up washcloth, and its matching hanger in Pepto-Bismol pink crochet thread. Anyone who sees this brave yet futile attempt to brighten up your washroom of woe will immediately lose the will to live.

So, honey, if you find yourself crocheting pink flowers onto a wire hanger, while you sob into the tattered remains of an institutional green facecloth – drop that hook and run for your life. Pack up your bags, become a gay divorcee and go on a long overdue glittering girl spree!



For the complete pattern (and more snark):

Terry Cloth Laundry Bag #815

At least, the Gay and Gifty folks managed to come up with 814 other patterns before they ran out of ideas and were forced to resort to turning washcloths into laundry bags.

Either that or there are 814 other Terry Cloth Laundry Bag patterns out there that just weren’t gay enough.

This bag may be made with any of the AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY products listed below:

That’s right, the AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY is the only true-blue AMERICAN thread company. So, don’t even THINK about using any other company’s products. Spinnerin? Sub-standard. Coats and Clark? Communists! The Spool Cotton Company? Spawn of Satan!!!

Cover embroidery hoop with ribbon as illustrated.

Vague instructions combined with an unhelpful pink-on-pink illustration? We’re off to a great start to this project!

Attach thread 6 inches from one corner of one wash cloth, * ch 7, skip about 3/8th inch space s c in next space, repeat from, repeat from * to corner, ch 7, s c in same space...

Wait, washcloths have spaces? Then why are we measuring 3/8th of an inch? Just for the anal-retentive joy of using a ruler?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

... * ch 7, skip about 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, repeat from * for 6 inches, place other cloth on top of 1st cloth, insert hook 6 inches from corner of 2nd cloth and working through both cloths, s c in same space with last s c, ** ch 7, skip about 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, * ch 7, skip about 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, repeat from ** twice, * ch 7, skip about 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, repeat from * to within 6 inches from next corner...

From which *? The one in front of the last ** or the one directly behind it?

I’m barely through 1 and 3/8 inches of this pattern, and already my soul is being crushed. Might be a new record!

... working last s c in same space as starting ch, * ch 7, skip 3/8 inch space of 2nd cloth, s c in next space, repeat from * to corner, ch 7, s c in same space, * ch 7, skip 3/8 inch space, s c in next space, repeat from * across remaining free edge ending with sl st in same space where the 2 clothes are joined.

And I’m seeing stars!

Sadly, they’re not the sexy Hollywood kind of stars.

2nd Row –

Yes, all of the above was ONE ROW. Crying yet?

That’s good! Depressed crafters are always better at making depressing crafts.

Turn and with inside of free sections toward you, sl st to center of 1st loop of 2nd cloth, ch 4, 1 tr c, ch 3, 2 tr c in same space, * 2 tr c, ch 3, 2 tr c (shell) in center st of next loop, repeat from * around all free edges, join in 4th st of ch.

“Tr c” most likely stands for “triple crochet”. Using standard abbreviations might give you a false sense of security about your place in the world.

3rd Row – Ch 3, sl st in same space, picot ...

I hope you know how to picot! Because this pattern sure isn’t going to tell you.

... 2 s c, ch 3, 2 s c in ch 3 loop of shell, skip 2 tr c, sl st in next tr c, repeat from beginning all around, cut thread.

And this is where the pattern ends.

Or so you might reasonably assume as there was no note at the end of the pattern, saying “continued on page whatever”. However, turning the page, I found a pattern for a “Rose Pot Holder”, followed the “Hosiery Hanger” and finally, tucked down on the bottom of page 14, “Terry Cloth Laundry Bag”.

This was no oversight. It’s all a part of Gay and Gifty’s evil plan to keep you alert, interested, and drowning in despair.

With right side of loops of 1st row toward you and working around lower edge of bag, attach thread in picot above joining of 2 cloths, shell in center st of 1st loop, * shell in center st of next loop, repeat from * to opposite side, sl st in picot above joining, cut thread, do not turn.

Next Row – Attach thread in 1st tr c of 1st shell around lower edge, 2 s c, ch 3, 2 s c in loops of same shell, * skip 2 tr c, sl st in next tr c, ch 3, sl st in same space, 2 s c, ch 3, 2 s c in loop of next shell, repeat from * all around to opposite side ending row with sl stitch in last tr c of lower edge, cut thread.

Fold corners down as illustrated, attach thread at one end where cloths are joined and work a row of loops all around folded edge.

2nd Row – Sl st to center of loop and work a shell in center st of each loop, join.

3rd Row – Sl st to center of shell, * ch 7, s c in loop

And that’s the end of the pattern!

No? Oh, all right, let’s look at the next page... Well, what do you know? The remainder of the pattern (I can only hope) is on page 15, along with a Tea Cozy and a Plant Holder.

Warning: Do not attempt to make a Plant Holding Laundry Bag Tea Cozy. It would all end in tears and tea soaked philodendrons.

of next shell, repeat from * all around, ch 3, tr c in last sl st.

4th Row – Ch 4, tr c, ch 3, 2 tr c in tr c of previous row, * shell in center st of next loop, repeat from * all around, join. Repeat the 3rd and 4th rows once then repeat the 3rd row once.

8th Row – Working over hoop, * ch 15, bring ch backward, s c in next loop, ch 15, bring ch forward, s c in next loop, repeat from * all around in same manner ending row to correspond, join, cut thread.

Handle – Beading: Crochet a ch 25 inches or a little longer than length desired, s c in 2nd ch from hook, * ch 7, skip 7 sts of ch, d tr c (3 times over hook) in next st, repeat from * until beading measures 23 inches, ch 7, skip 7 sts, s c in next st, cut off remainder of ch, do not turn.

Handle that beading with care, and make sure you measure ACCURATELY. Or your laundry bag will be ruined.

Don’t argue that you can’t even see the beading in the photograph. It’ll be utterly ruined, I tell you!

2nd Row – Ch 4, * shell in center st of next loop, repeat from * to last loop, ch 4, s c in s c, working on other side of beading, ch 4, * shell in center st of next shell, repeat from * to last loop, ch 4, sl st in s c, do not turn.

And you’re almost done your very tiny laundry bag. Your dirty stockings can be tucked out of sight in style, while the rest of your dirty clothes pile up on the bathroom floor, getting soggy and moldy.

3rd Row – 4 s c in 1st loop, 1 s c in each of the next 2 tr c, 2 s c, ch 3, 2 s c in loop of shell, * skip 2 tr c, sl st in next tr c, ch 3, sl st in same space, 2 s c, ch 3, 2 s c in loop of next shell, repeat from * to last shell of 1st side, 1 s c in each of the next 2 tr c of same shell, 4 s c in next loop, s c in s c, 4 s c in next loop, 1 s c in each of the 1st 2 tr c of the next shell, 2 s c, ch 3, 2 s c in loop of same shell, continue all around in same manner ending row to correspond, join, cut thread. Lace ribbon through beading and sew to each end of hoop.

I hope you didn’t use all 4 yards of the ribbon covering up the hoop.

If you did, you’ve only yourself to blame. Because blaming this Gay and Gifty pattern for leading you astray would be both homophobic and giftophobic.

Hosiery Hanger #817

#816 is that “Rose Pot Holder”, which unfortunately is not a device to lovingly suspend Rose Pots up out of harm’s way. Instead it’s a Pot Holder with a large three dimensional rose stuck right in the centre, perfectly placed to make it difficult to grip your pots when you’re removing them from the stove top.

In order to protect you and your loved ones from terrible scalding burns, I’m not including the pattern for the Rose Pot Holder.

You can thank me later. Preferably in small bills, with non-sequential serial numbers.

Materials Required: AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “STAR” BLEND YARN, Article 75
1 skein each Lt. Green and Cerise will make 2 hangers.
6 plastic clip Clothespins
1 metal Hanger
Steel crochet hook No. 0

Unlike in the Terry Cloth Laundry Bag pattern, here you do not have a choice of yarns. That’s because you can’t be trusted to choose correctly.

With Light Green, starting at top of hook work a row of s c around entire hanger having 123 s c across lower edge, cut yarn.

Better count those 123 s c again. Accuracy is next to godliness.

2nd Row – Attach Cerise, s c in same space, ch 2, sl st in top of s c for picot,...

Ah, here the pattern actually explains how to make a picot. Too bad it’s too late for pattern #815, your tacky (and probably incorrectly crocheted) laundry bag.

...* 1 s c in each of the next 4 s c, ch 2, sl st in top of last s c for picot, repeat from * all around, cut yarn.

Attach Cerise between 4th and 5th picots at lower edge, * ch 6, s c in top of 1 side of clothespin pulling loop through the hole of clothespin and also pulling loop up about ½ inch, ch 3, s c through hole at top of opposite side of same clothespin, ch 6, skip 4 picots of last row, sl st between last skipped picot and next picot, repeat from * 5 times, cut yarn.

I’m sure you’re thinking about stopping here, now that the clothespins are attached to the hanger and your stockings can be hung by the commode with care. But don’t do it!

Just imagine how much more heartbreakingly joyless this hanger would be without those little pink – sorry, cerise – flowers festooning it up.

FLOWER: With Cerise ch 2, 6 s c in 2nd st from hook join in 1st s c, ch 3, 2 tr c in same space, ch 3, sl st in same space, * sl st in next s c, ch 3, 2 tr in same space, ch 3, sl st in same space, repeat from * 4 times, cut yarn. Work another flower in same manner.

LEAVES: * With Green ch 12, s c in 2nd st from hook, 1 s d c in next st of ch (s d c: yarn over hook, insert in st, pull loop through, yarn over and pull through all loops at one time), 1 d c in each of the next 6 sts, 1 s d c in next st, 1 s c in each of the next 2 sts of ch, do not cut yarn, repeat from * 3 times, cut yarn. Sew on hanger as illustrated having 2 leaves on each side and the 2 flowers in the center.

And that’s the end of the pattern. No, really.

Which means it’s time for your medication!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Click here for the printable pattern.