Apple Pie Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

“Apple Pie Order” from Knick-Knacks to Crochet, 1939

Keep your linen closet neat as a pin with these crocheted bands that put pillow cases, single and double sheets in their places. Weighted tips.

My linen closet doesn’t look like this. My mother’s linen closet doesn’t look like this, and she grew up when Neatness was next to Godliness.

Please note, these sheets aren’t just labeled, they’ve also been starched. Not because starching makes sheets more comfortable – I’m getting itchy-twitchy just looking at the photo. However, sacrificing a good night’s sleep was considered a small price to pay so you could fold hospital corners sharp enough to cut yourself on.

Uh oh, my Mother just exclaimed, “Sweetie, these would be the perfect gift for Mother’s Day. You start crocheting, and I’ll get the starch!”

Excuse me while I go put a padlock on my linen closet.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

APPLE PIE ORDER
No. 9099

Materials: CLARK’S O.N.T. or J. & P. COATS PEARL COTTON, size 5, 4 balls of any color.
CLARK’S O.N.T. or J. & P. COATS SIX STRAND EMBROIDERY FLOSS, 2 skeins of a contrasting colour.
MILWARD’S steel crochet hook No. 7 or 8.

Starting at narrow end, ch 13. 1st row: Tr in 5th ch from hook and in each ch across. Ch 4, turn. 2nd row: Tr between 1st and 2nd tr, * tr between this and next tr. Repeat from * across. Ch 4, turn. Repeat 2nd row until piece measures 28 inches.

Or until you go insane.

Ch 1, turn. Next row: S c in each st across. Ch 1, turn. Repeat this row until piece measures 1 yd. in all. Fasten off. Make 2 more pieces like this.

Seriously, is the quest for perfect domestic order really worth your sanity?

My Mother just said, “Yes!”

But it was a rhetorical question!

Sew a lead weight to end of s c-sections, turning up corners.

That’s not a typo, it really says “c-sections”. And not just any “c-sections”, they’re S-shaped c-sections.

Because suffering through major abdominal surgery in order to bring a new precious life into the world is absolutely the same thing as suffering through hours and hours of tedious crocheting in order to bring a new useless craft into your home.

Of course, crocheting linen bands isn’t the only thing just like giving birth. So is successful blogging, felting a dozen scarves, and installing Fallout 3.

Embroidery . . . Embroider the s c-sections with Six Strand, using cross stitch for the words “PILLOWS,” “SINGLE” and “DOUBLE”.

Doctors call it “suturing”, but that’s just a fancy-schmancy medical name for plain ol’embroidery.

Be sure to boil your embroidery thread for fifteen minutes before embarking upon your c-section. Afterwards, promptly clean the blood up off your kitchen linoleum. If it gets under the baseboards, you’ll just end up attracting ants.

Don’t ask me how I know that.

Now you’re ready to iron the starch into your sheets. Although, considering it’s Mother’s Day, you should really ask the man about the house to do it for you.

Or not.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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The Belle Tolls for Thee

Sweet and Low Sweater from Gay Teen Ideas, 1944

Sweet and Low Perfectly dee-vine dancing partner. Rings the Belle every time and keeps ‘em coming back for more.

Rings the BELLE?

My goodness, is that code for naughty1940s nookie? It sure was by 1979!

Glamour-minded rugcutters please note the definitely P.M. neck-line, low and square; the come hitherish black velvet ribbons here, there and everywhere.

Come hither to my waist, collar and sleeves, but no higher and most definitely no lower! A proper young lady reserves all belle and bell ringing to the third date.

Make it in cherry and whee, what a flutter you raise at your next party.

“Golly gee whiz, Dick. I don’t know why no one else showed up. I guess you’re my only guest. Let’s put a record on!”

“Donna, I really want to go home.”

“Don’t be silly! I’ve dead bolted all the doors, cut the phone lines and dynamited the only bridge off this property. So, do you like my sweater? I knitted it myself!”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Hey, it looks like some other young ladies have launched a rescue mission to save poor Dick! Unfortunately, instead of arming themselves with the traditional torches and pitchforks, they’ve chosen bulrushes. Donna will make short work of them with just one Benny Goodman record.

Incidently, ringing your bell is also British slang for bashing someone’s brains in.

No. 2054

Materials: CHADWICK’S RED HEART WOOL FLOSS (2 ply), 5 balls (1 oz. balls) for Size 12; 6 balls for Size 14; 7 balls for Size 16.
Bone Knitting Pins, 1 pair No. 3.

Because nothing knits the crazy into a garment like real BONE needles.

Donna hand-carved them herself after a night of particularly unsatisfying bell ringing.

8 yards of narrow velvet ribbon for each size.
Buttons – see Directions of Right Back.

Wait, why can’t you just tell us now? Why all the suspense? It’s a knitting pattern, for heaven’s sake, not a murder mystery.

Not yet, anyway.

Snap fasteners.

BLOCKING MEASUREMENTS:

SIZES: 12 (14, 16)

Bust: 31 (33, 35)’’
Width across front at armholes: 16 (17, 18)’’
Width across front between armholes: 12 (12 ½, 13)’’

Pay attention! The AT armholes measurement is four to five inches wider than the BETWEEN armholes measurement.

An extra four to five inches is essential to successful bell ringing.

Length from top of shoulder: 18 (18 ½, 19)’’
Length of side seam: 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’
Width across each back at armhole: 7 ¾ (8 ¼, 8 ¾)’’
Width across each back above armhole shaping: 6 ½ (6 ¾, 7)’’
Width of sleeve at upper arm: 12 (12, 13)’’

I have no idea why we’re doing all this measuring. After all, this sweater hangs off Donna like a potato sack giving her all the sex appeal of a mashed potato.

If only she’d used a different pattern, Donna wouldn’t have needed to lock Dick up in her LP love den.

GAUGE: 7 sts make 1 inch; 10 rows make 1 inch.

SIZES: 12 (14, 16)

FRONT . . . Starting at waistband, cast on 95 (100, 105) sts.
1st and 2nd rows: P across. 3rd row: *K 3, k 2 tog, 0. Repeat from * across, ending with K 5. 4th row: P across. Repeat these 4 rows 2 more times (3 rows of eyelets made). Now work in stockinette st (k 1 row, p 1 row), increasing 1 st at both ends of next row and on 1 row every inch thereafter until there are on needle 111 (118, 125) sts. Work straight until piece measures in all 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’.
To Shape Armholes: Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 2 rows and 2 sts at beginning of following 6 rows. Dec 1 st at end of each row until there remain on needle 85 (90, 95) sts. With right side facing, repeat 1st to 4th rows incl of waistband 3 times (3 rows of eyelets made). Work in stockinette st and continue. Next row: Work across 28 (30, 32) sts. Bind off (purling the sts) for front of neck, the next 29 (30, 31) sts. Work across remaining 28 (30, 32) sts. Work straight over this last set of sts only until piece measures from 1st row of armhole shaping 7 (7, 7 ½)’’.
To Shape Shoulder: Starting at armhole edge, bind off 6 sts on every other row until there remain 4 (6, 8) sts. Starting at same edge, bind off. Attach arm at opposite side of neck edge and work other side to correspond.

Now for the pièce de résistance... this sweater buttons down the back. How fantastically “come-hitherish”! After all, Donna can’t get out of her own sweater by herself.

Come to think of it, she can’t put it on by her lonesome either. She must have a man-servant chained in the basement for such troublesome tasks.

LEFT BACK . . . Starting at waistband, cast on 45 (50, 55) sts. Work same as Front until the 12 rows of waistband are complete. Next row: K across. Following row: P across to last 6 sts, k 6 (center back band). Continue in stockinette st, keeping the 6 sts of back band in garter st (k each row), increasing 1 st at side edge on next row and every 9th row thereafter until there are on needle 54 (58, 62) sts. Work straight until piece measures in all 10 (10 ½, 10 ½)’’.
To Shape Armholes: Starting at side edge, bind off 5 sts once. Then dec 1 st at armhole edge on every other row until there remain 45 (47, 49) sts. Work straight until piece measures from 1st row of armhole shaping 7 (7, 7 ½)’’.
To Shape Shoulder: Starting at armhole edge bind off 6 sts on every other row 4 times. Starting at same edge, bind off 4 (6, 8) sts. Starting at same edge, bind off remaining 17 sts for back of neck.

Hurray! We’ve finally arrived at the Right Back, and the top secret number of buttons we need will be revealed...

RIGHT BACK . . . Work to correspond with Left Back, making a buttonhole 2 sts in from back edge when piece measures from last row of waistband 1 ( ½, 1)’’ and, measuring from 1st buttonhole, every inch thereafter until there are 16 (17, 17) buttonholes in all – to make a buttonhole, on one row bind off 2 sts and on next row cast on 2 sts to replace those bound off.

Well, that was a let down. Why on earth couldn’t they have just said in the materials list: 16 to 17 buttons? Why make us search through the pattern to learn that?

Although... buttons have also been used as slang for, ahem, a lady’s bell. Perhaps, this was a successful attempt to thwart the knitting pattern censors.

SLEEVES . . . Starting at lower edge, cast on 85 (85, 90) sts. Work first 4 rows same as Front (1 row of eyelets made). Now work in stockinette st until piece measures in all 2 ½ (2 ½, 3)’’.
To Shape Top: Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 2 rows. Dec 1 st at both ends of every 3rd row until 69 sts remain.

Heh. They said 69!

Dec 1 st at end of each row until 55 sts remain. Bind off 3 sts at beginning of each row until 19 sts remain. Bind off.

Press pieces through damp cloth. Sew underarm and shoulder seams. Sew sleeve seams and sew sleeves in. Cut two 23-inch pieces of ribbon and run through eyelets of sleeve. Tie ends in bows. Cut three 27-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack one end of each piece to wrong side of Right Back at beginning of each row of eyelets at waist. Run these pieces of ribbon in and out of eyelets to desired position on left side of Front. Cut three 20-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack one end of each piece to wrong side of Left Back at beginning of each row of eyelets at waist. Run ribbon through eyelets to meet previous ribbons. Tie ends in bows. Cut three 20-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack ends at armhole edge on wrong side of Right Front eyelets. Run ribbon through eyelets to position above waist bows. Cut three 12-inch pieces of ribbon. Tack on wrong side of Left Front eyelets. Run ribbon through eyelets to meet previous ribbons. Tie ends in bows. Sew on buttons to correspond with buttonholes. Sew snap fasteners to close waistband at back. Work a row of sc along entire neck edge.

If you’re wondering how Donna intends this evening to draw to a close, just take a look at the page facing the Sweet and Low Sweater pattern.

By the way, S is the first initial of Dick’s last name, not Donna’s.

“See, Dick? We absolutely, positively must get married! I’ve already monogrammed everything in the house!”

In desperation, Dick threw himself out the window and made a run for it. He might have made it too, if it hadn’t been for the monogrammed land mines.

Not the Happy Ending Donna had in mind for her Dick. But on the bright side, she did get enough material for a brand new set of bone needles.

Click here for the printable pattern.
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You Never Forget your First Time…

Knitted Place Mats from Aunt Lydia’s Heavy Rug Yarn, c. 1965

Yes, the first time a new bride welcomes her husband into her most private sanctum is a nerve-racking affair. It’s that magical moment when, with trembling hands … dare I say it … she sets the table for breakfast.

That’s right, what happens in your breakfast nook is far more important to your marital bliss than all that neurotic nudity in the bridal boudoir. So, there’s no such thing as too much attention to detail here. Note how perfectly the place mats have been aligned, and how the spoons have been arranged with precision behind the cups, each of them filled exactly three quarters of an inch from the rim. A ruler is a newlywed’s best friend – so long it’s kept out of the bedroom!

See how everything on the table has been carefully labeled? Heaven knows, otherwise a silly girl might end up stuffing the napkins into the jam jar, storing the jelly in her bra, and the bridal brunch would descend into chaos, pure CHAOS!

Ahem. Of course, it’s anyone’s guess how the newly-minted housewife was supposed to get the jelly out of that impractically shaped jelly-jar, much less clean it afterwards. But then again, tears and recriminations are naturally a part of a girl’s first time.

For the complete pattern (if you can even call it a “pattern”):

Knitted Place Mats
Simple and Quick to Make

For once, there’s absolutely nothing misleading about this description. These placemats are incredibly simple to make.

In fact, they’re so simple, that if you skip the “bind off” part of the instructions and just keep going, you’ll end up with a Dr. Who Scarf!

I’m a bit obsessed with Time Lord accessories right now, because I’m actually working on one for my son. Which he WILL wear! Because after thirteen years he’s learned to respect (and fear) the phrase “Handmade by Mother”.

No, that’s not my son.

10 ½ x 18 Inches

Materials Required:

AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “AUNT LYDIA’S” HEAVY RUG YARN

If you’re determined to break Aunt Lydia’s heart by using an inferior product, I strongly recommend Red Heart Supersaver. Not only is it inexpensive and hypoallergenic, Red Heart will give your placemats a nice scratchy texture guaranteed to keep your kids’ elbows off the table!

7 – 70 yd. skeins Bongo
2 – 70 yd. skeins Lt. Yellow will make 4 mats

Wait – what the heck is a “Bongo”?

Yes, but an African antelope seems like an unlikely inspiration for a 1960s, whitebread place setting.

Ah ha! Bongo was also the name of a Disney circus bear who wore a red jacket with yellow stripes.

I assume that after the designer turned Bongo’s jacket into a place mat, she used the rest of him as a kitschy living room decoration.

1 Pr. Knitting Needles No. 9 or ANY SIZE WHICH WILL RESULT IN STITCH GAUGE BELOW
GAUGE: 4 sts = 1 inch

ALWAYS CHECK YOUR GAUGE! THE GAUGE IS GOD! IF YOUR PLACEMATS ARE TOO SMALL OR LARGE YOU’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!

No pressure.

NOTE: Entire mat is worked in garter st (K each row).
With Bongo cast on 42 sts. NEXT 10 ROWS: K across each row, drop Bongo. Then work as follows: 10 rows Lt. Yellow, 76 rows Bongo, 10 rows Lt. Yellow, 10 rows Bongo. Bind off.
Block to measurements.
Work 3 more mats in same manner.

Of course, even if you get THE ALL IMPORTANT GAUGE right, you’re still condemned to the mind-numbingly, tedious hell of making these place mats. And staring at them every morning over your cup of coffee will cause many of your brain cells die of sheer boredom.

Still, there’s worse ways to cause brain damage over breakfast!

Click here for the printable pattern. (Hah!)

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Pompon Therapy

Pompon Chick from Bazaar Time, c. 1965

Pompon chick design supplied by the County Borough of Brighton Occupational Therapy Dept.

Yes, this unique pompon chick design was actually donated to Bazaar Time by the Brighton Occupational Therapy Department of the Brighton County Borough Asylum! There’s no indication whether they also provided the yummy lollipops.

Clearly, the OT Dept. of the Brighton Asylum felt that non-institutionalized crafters, like the institutionalized mentally ill, could benefit from pompon Art Therapy.

Doesn’t this look like a fun place to live? Why I can just imagine all the inmates happily making pompon chicks.

My mentally ill friend enthusiastically agrees that group therapy in her hospital would have been much more entertaining if she’d been able to pelt her fellow inmates with pompon animals.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Pompon Chick

Materials
3 (50 g) balls in Beau Blue 0350 and 2 (50 g) balls Snow White 504 Patons Double Knitting.

Pieces of felt as follows:–
Red 6 x 4 in. (15 x 10 cm); Yellow 3 x 2 in. (7 x 5 cm); Black and White 2 in. (5 cm) square.

Measurement

Height 7 in. (18 cm)

Chicken is made from two woolly balls.

You might suppose the instructions end right here. After all, there isn’t much more to say. Slap two pompons together, stick felt feet and eyes on it, and you’re done!

Not so fast!

Professional therapists know that the mentally ill cannot be trusted with free form crafting.

Damn their uncrushed spirits!

Of course, one might question the wisdom of giving the mentally ill sharp objects and encouraging them to stick them into what appears to be an eyeball.

But no matter what TV shows like Criminal Minds tell you, remember, the vast majority of mentally ill people are NOT violent.

Don’t make my mentally ill friend smack you.

Cut two circles of card 5 in. (13 cm) diameter for body with centre hole 2 ¼ in. (6 cm) diameter, diagram 1 A. Place circles together and thread a blunt-ended needle with a long length each of Blue and White yarn. Thread yarns round circles until centre hole if filled, diagram 1 B. Cut round outer edge of circles between cards, diagram 1 C. Tie a double length of yarn tightly round centre, knotting securely, diagram 1 D. Do not cut off the ends. Remove cards and clip away any uneven ends of pom pon.

Word keeps autocorrecting my typing, so if any of the pom pons in this pattern have been replaced with pomp on, don’t blame me.

Evidently Word likes to get its pomp on.

Just like this fellow!

Click the link, you won’t regret it.

For Head, cut two circles of card 4 in. (10 cm) diameter with centre hole 1 ¾ in. (4 cm) diameter and, using Blue yarn only, make pom pon as described for Body.

Finish – Tie the two pom pons firmly together, then tie remaining ends of yarn for hanging.

Goodness, the chick’s not even assembled yet, and we’re already being told to hang it? I’m no occupational art therapist, but I don’t think it’s healthy to have the mentally ill make cute suicidal animals.

Trace outlines of Feet, Beak and Eyes from diagrams and cut out and draw round each shape on appropriate pieces of felt as follows:

Feet (2) and Tongue (5) on Red; Beak (4) on Yellow; Eye (1) twice on White and Iris (3) twice on Black. Using rubber solution, stick the features and feet in position, see photograph. Fold Beak in half and insert tongue, sticking straight edge of tongue to fold of beak.

I also thought occupational therapists weren’t supposed to encourage OCD behaviour in their patients, but clearly I’m not a professional.

After all, I wouldn’t think it would be a good idea to give the mentally ill this kind of equipment to play with, either.

Oh wait, my mentally ill friend says she thinks this kind of Art Therapy is a great idea. She suggests leaving her alone with the writers of Criminal Minds for an hour or two, and she’ll make them some crafts they’ll never forget!

Or did she say make them INTO some crafts?

Uh oh.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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The World is Going to Hell in a Handbag!

Initial Knitting Bag from Star Variety Show, 1942

And this is the only purse that’s Hellspawn approved for carrying damned souls into the fiery pit.

Yes, you’d think demons would have more attractive accessories for the Apocalypse. But even the most ignorant imp knows that one glimpse of that big fuzzy H will cause the hardiest housewife to abandon all hope.

Now, I’m no theologian, so I don’t know why Satan’s spawn would want a handbag that doubles as a dust mop. I suppose paving the road to Hell with good intentions can be dusty work. However, everyone knows that Swiffers are the preferred cleaning tool of the dark side.

April Fools! It’s actually a prank knitting bag not a demonic purse!

Of course, this pattern’s a prank. No one would seriously want to dust their home with a knitting bag.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

INITIAL KNITTING BAG – No. 2116
Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “GEM” COTTON YARN.

6 Skeins Light Henna or any Color desired.

As long as that colour is bland. Attractive knitting bags are just asking to be stolen. And personalizing it with your initial will not protect you from every Helen, Hazel and Harriet with a police record.

Bone Crochet Hook Number 4 or 5.

Front. Ch 45 and work 44 s c on ch, ch 1, turn and work 23 more rows of s c.

The irony of a crocheted knitting bag is not lost on me. However, it all makes perfect sense as long as you remember this rubric:

Rock smashes scissors
Scissors cut paper
Paper disproves Spock
Spock sells Crochet
Crochet smothers Knitting
Knitting yarn bombs Rock

25th Row. Decrease 1 st at both ends and work 1 row even. Repeat the last 2 rows 7 times, break yarn and work a second section.

Gusset. Ch 4 and work 3 s c on ch, ch 1, turn. Work 8 more rows of s c even.

Next Row. * Increase 1 st and work 8 rows even. Repeat from * twice.

Next Row. Increase 1 st and work 30 rows even. Next row. Decrease 1 st, then decrease 1 st every 9th row 3 times.

In 1942, the bigger the knitting bag the better. No undersized knitting bag/dust mop was going to defeat Hitler.

Tufting. Cut strands 2 inches long, take 24 strands for each tuft and tie about 1 inch apart around edges of both sides of bag.

Initial. Outline with a basting thread the letter desired. Cut strands 1½ inches long, take 24 strands for each tuft and place about ½ inch apart.

Tufting is natural. Tufting is good. Not everybody tufts, but everybody should.

Shoulder Cord. Ch 5, 1 s c in each ch. Next row, 1 s c in each s c. Without joining rows, repeat this row until cord measures 35 inches or is length desired.

Is length desired? Probably, but don’t crochet a long enough rope to hang yourself.

Sew gusset in position. Sew shoulder cord to each side at gusset. Make ten 5 ch loops leaving an end to sew to bag for drawstring. Sew loops starting in second row about 3 inches apart.

Drawstring. Make a ch about 26 inches long, lace through loops and finish with a knot at each end.

That’s right, no zippers. All metal was needed for the war effort. And no lining either, because our brave boys at the front need silky underwear.

Yes, that meant the knitting needles stuck out the sides of the bag. Which made it an excellent weapon for beating up Nazis.

In wartime, every little bit helps!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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I’m Too Sexy for My Squares!

The Ripple Granny Jacket and Hat from Crochet with Squares, 1974

With apologies to Right Said Fred… whaddaya mean, who’s Right Said Fred?!



I’m too sexy for my followers, too sexy for my followers
Please, followers don’t leave me!

I’m too sexy for my jacket, too sexy for my jacket
So sexy I can’t hack it
I’m too sexy for the ski lodge, too sexy for the ski lodge
Bates Motel or Econo Lodge

And I’m too sexy for this post
Too sexy for this post
No way I’m ceasing and desisting!

I’m a granny square model, you know what I mean
I’d give my eye teeth to do a turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk
I’d kill my grandma to shake my tush on the catwalk

I’m too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat
There’s no denying that
And I'm too sexy to crochet, too sexy to crochet
I’d rather wear a toupee!

Cos I’m a granny square model, with grannies I’m seen
As I model in Wallmart instead of a catwalk
Oh, in Wallmart, in Wallmart
I got arrested for shaking my little tush in Wallmart.

I’m too sexy for Blogger, too sexy for Blogger
Twitter, Facebook and Blogher
I’m too sexy for my followers, too sexy for my followers
My followers are all going to leave me!

I’m too sexy for this blog.

For the complete too sexy pattern (and more too sexy snark):

THE RIPPLE GRANNY

I suppose those are ripples of granny squares, if by ripples you mean jagged clumps of potholders.

Sorry, I meant sexy, jagged clumps of sexy potholders.

SIZES: 10-12; 14-16 Directions are given for size 10-12. Changes for 14-16 are given in parentheses (for Jacket). Directions for hat in one size, it adjusts to fit.

MATERIALS NEEDED:

4 ply Synthetic yarn or Knitting Worsted (4 oz. skeins)
6 (7) skeins Color 1 (Royal Blue)
2 (3) skeins Color 2 (Green)
1 (2) skeins Color 3 (White)
1 (1) skeins each Color 4 (Yellow) and Color 5 (Red) or any 5 color combination may be substituted.
G (G) Aluminum or #6 (6) Plastic Crochet Hook for Squares and
F (F) Aluminum or #5 (5) Plastic Crochet Hook for Collar and Bands.

I hope I don’t have to warn you of the dire consequences should you attempt this pattern with a non-synthetic, organic yarn and a bamboo hook.

Remember this pattern booklet is called Crochet with Squares, not Crochet with Hippy-Dippy Tree Huggers.

JACKET (Size 10-12)
GAUGE: Each square measures 3½”.

SQUARE #1: Make 59
RND 1: With Color 1 (Royal Blue) and large hook ch 4, sl st in 4th st from hook to form a ring, ch 3, 2 dc in ring, * ch 3, 3 dc in ring, rep from * twice, ch 3, sl st in top of ch 3 to join.
RND 2: Ch 3, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop (corner shell), rep from * twice, (3 dc, ch 3, 2 dc) in last ch 3 loop, sl st in top of ch 3 to join (ch 3 at beg of row counts as 1 dc).
RND 3: Ch 3, 2 dc in space between ch 3 and next 3 dc group, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, 3 dc in next space between 3 dc loop, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.

Perhaps a better name for this pattern booklet would be Crochet with Brackets, or Crochet with 3 dc. Crochet Yourself into a Coma would be cruel, but fair.

SQUARE #2: Make 34
RND 1: With Color 5 (Red) same as RND 1 of SQUARE #1, break off.
RND 2: Join Color 4 (Yellow) with sl st in 1st ch 3 loop, ch 3, (2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same loop with sl st, * (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, rep from * around, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.
RND 3: Join Color 2 (Green) with sl st in 1st ch 3 loop, ch 3, (2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same loop as sl st, * 3 dc in space between next two 3 dc groups, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, rep from * around, end with 3 dc in space between last two 3 dc groups, sl st in top of ch 3 to join, break off.

SQUARE #3: Make 29
RND 1: Same as RND 1 of SQUARE #2.
RND 2: Use Color 2 (Green), work same as RND 2 of SQUARE #2.
RND 3: Use Color 3 (White), work same as RND 3 of SQUARE #2.

Thou shalt not make this pattern more interesting by altering the order of these holy SQUARES! First, thou shalt create all 56 of SQUARE #1. Thou shalt not crochet 29 of SQUARE #3, excepting that you have already completed 34 of SQUARE #2.

Making up your own SQUARE #5 is right out.

TRIANGLE #1: Make 24
ROW 1: With Color 1 (Blue) ch 4, sl st in 4th st from hook to form ring, ch 4, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in ring, work 1 tr in ring.
ROW 2: Ch 4, turn, 2 dc in first tr, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 loop, skip next 3 dc, work 2 dc and 1 tr in top of turning ch 4.
ROW 3: Ch 4, turn, 2 dc in first tr, skip next 2 dc and next 3 dc group, (3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in ch 3 loop, skip 3 dc, 3 dc in space before last 2 dc, 2 dc and 1 tr in top of turning ch 4, break off.

TRIANGLE #1? But this is Crochet with Squares! Using TRIANGLES to fabricate a Ripple Granny Jacket is CHEATING!

Remember, one does not CHEAT in crochet! One uses crochet to punish cheaters.

TRIANGLE #2: Make 2.
ROW 1: With Color 5 (Red) same as Row 1 of TRIANGLE #1, break off.
ROW 2: Turn, join Color 4 (Yellow) with sl st in 1st tr, ch 4 complete same as ROW 2, TRIANGLE #1, break off.
ROW 3: Turn, join Color 2 (Green) with sl st in 1st tr, ch 4, complete same as Row 3, TRIANGLE #1, break off.

UNDERARM MOTIF: (5 corners). Make 2.

Why yes, my underarm is pentagon-shaped. Isn’t yours?

RND 1: With Color 5 (Red), ch 4, sl st in 4th st. from hook to form ring, ch 3, 2 dc in ring, * ch 3, 3 dc in ring, rep from * 3 times, ch 3, join with sl st in top of ch 3, break off.
RNDS 2 and 3: Work in same manner as Square #2, but having 5 corners, break off.

BLOCKING: Block all motifs to size. See page 49.

Turn to page 49, class.

Apparently, blocking is the application of an iron-on patch onto a side of beef pinned to a candy stripers uniform.

That’s candy stripers not candy strippers! Get your minds out of the gutters, people.

BLOCKING: Place crocheted square right side down on well padded surface. Pin each square or article to size given with each design. Cover with damp cloth, steam (do not press). When two pieces have the same measurements, pine one piece down and block. Place reverse piece on top (right side up), and block. All pieces to dry completely before removing pins.

That procedure may work for the first couple of squares, but once you have a pile of 122 of the same sized squares, you’re going to need a bigger iron. And a super-sized side of beef.

Now everyone turn back to page 40 of the text book.

JOINING: Weave Squares together following directions on page 49.

Page 49 AGAIN!

All right, if I must.

Let me guess. Either your joining will create a legion of synthetic yarn ridges inside the jacket to rub against your skin until you’re driven mad (option A) or the outside of the jacket will look like Dr. Frankenstein embroidered it (option B).

Decisions, decisions.

JOINING SQUARES:

A With tapestry needle and same yarn as last rnd overcast edges of both squares from one ch 3 loop to next, or from one corner sc to next corner sc.
B Butt 2 motifs together, bring needle up through center of corner st of 1st motif, down through corner st of 2nd motif, * up through next st of same motif, down through same st of 1st motif and up through next st of same motif, down through same st of 2nd motif, rep from * until joining is completed.

Class, stop sniggering just because they said Butt! Now everyone back to page 40.

Join Jacket in 3 sections as shown on charts.

After having crocheted and ironed 122 squares, 26 triangles and 2 underarm motifs, feel free to delegate the stitching together of all 150 pieces to the kids.

If they complain, remind them that this isn’t illegal child labour as you’re not going to be paying them. No, this is family game night.

Follow chart for color arrangement of motifs 1, 2, and 3. Join shoulders matching P’s and Q’s. Use different colors of yarn for markers for letters I through O placing where indicated on chart (on sleeves and armhole openings). Join sleeve seams matching letters A through H. Matching yarn colors place sleeve in position and weave in place.

COLLAR AND BORDER:
(For both sizes) (Collar and bands are worked in one piece and all sc’s are worked in back loop of stitches only)
Row 1: (Starting at center back) With Color 1 and small size crochet hook, ch 5, 1 sc in 2nd st from hook, I sc in each of next 3 ch sts, (4 sc in row).
Row 2: Ch 1, turn, 1 dc in each sc across. Repeat last row until 164 (180) rows are completed.

C’mon, it’s only 180 rows! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, people. There is NO crying in crochet!

There is, however, repetitive stress injury in crochet.

START COLLAR SHAPING:
Row 1: (Inc. Row) ch 1, turn, 1 sc in each sc, 2 sc in last sc.
Row 2: Ch 1, turn, 1 sc in each sc across. Repeat last 2 rows until there are 14 sc in row.
Row 21: Repeat row 1 of Collar shaping.
Row 22: Ch 1, turn, 2 sc in first sc, 1 sc in each rem sc.
Rows 23 and 24: Repeat Rows 1 and 2 of Collar shaping. Repeat last 4 rows until there are 35 sc in row. Work without increasing over 35 sc until there are 262 (274) rows in all, break off.
This is ½ of Collar and Border measuring from center back of lower edge of neck. Make other half in same manner. Join the 2 sections at center back of border and collar.

If you incur repetitive stress injury from making the second half of the Collar and Border, write to Graphic Enterprises Inc, the holder of this pattern’s copyright back in 1974. Unfortunately, they didn’t provide an address, but I’m certain that one of the 33,800,000 hits their company’s name got from Google will be the correct place.

Good luck!

CUFFS: Make 2. Ch 21, work same as Row 1 and 2 of collar (20 sc in row) until there are 60 (63) rows, break off. Join 2 short ends to form tube.

BELT: Ch 9, work back and forth in single crochet same as cuff until there are 218 (230) rows or until belt is desired length, break off.

Such a prosaic belt just won’t do justice to the patchwork masterpiece your family made together.

This vintage belt, on the other hand, will add a certain je ne sais quoi.

No, je ne sais quoi is not French for WTF.

FINISHING: With right sides together, place and stitch collar and border to outside edge of jacket, matching center back of collar to center of neck, center back of border to center back of lower edge of jacket, making sure increased edge of collar is attached to jacket edge.
JACKET (Size 14-16)

There is NO crying in pattern transcription.

*wimper*

GAUGE: Each square measures 4”.
Jacket is made same as Size 10-12—But do not break yarn at end of last RND or ROW of Motifs.

SQUARES:
RND 4: Ch 1, 1 sc in same st with sl st, work (1 sc in each dc, 5 sc in each corner ch 3 loop) around, join with sl st, break off.

TRIANGLES:
ROW 4: Ch 1, turn, 1 sc in first tr, 1 sc in each dc up to ch 3 corner loop, 5 sc in ch 3 loop, 1 sc in each rem dc, 1 sc in top of turning ch 4, break off.

BLOCKING, JOINING, FINISHING:
Work same as Size 10-12.
DIRECTIONS For Collar and Border are given in parenthesis with directions for Size 10-12.

That wasn’t so bad. So we’re finally done now, right?

HAT

AUUUUUGGGGHHHH!

Work 8 Squares #2 and 4 Triangles #1 same as Size 10-12 jacket.

BLOCKING: Same as Size 10-12 jacket.

JOINING: Weave squares together same as jacket joining 4 squares together for crown. Matching letters, join the 4 squares #2 to center Squares, then fit Triangles between Squares. Stitch Triangles in place. See chart.

That’s a hat? It looks like a crocheted pinwheel.

So, instead of stitching it together to form an ugly hat, you could create your own low tech wind farm!

BRIM: Using large crochet hook, join Color 1 (Blue) with an sc in end st of a dc row, work 2 more sc over same end st, work (3 sc over end sts of each dc row, skipping all joinings and ch 4 rings at beg of each triangle) around, join, (72 sc).

NOTE: The entire brim is worked in back loop of each sc.

MORE IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE: Do not wear completed granny square hat in the kitchen. Someone may try using your head to get a roast out of the oven.

RND 2: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * 1 sc in each of next 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join in 1st sc (84 sc).
RND 3: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * I sc in each of the next 6 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join (96 sc).
RNDS 4 and 5: Ch 1, turn, I sc in in each sc all around, join each round.
RND 6: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, * 1 sc in each of the next 7 sc, 2 sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * all around join (108 sc).
RNDS 7 and 8: Same as RNDS 4 and 5.
RND 9: (Inc) Ch 1, turn, *1 sc in each of the next 8 sc, 2 sc in next sc, rep from * around, join (120 sc).
RNDS 10 through 13: Work RNDS 4 and 5 twice, break off.

At last, you’re ready to shake your granny-squared tush on the catwalk!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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DIY – A Revolutionary Birthday!

Thanks to my friend, Hind of Alexandria, Egypt, we have a brand new DIY!

This lovely young lady is Wa’ad, who longtime readers may remember for her lovely purse and cloche hat. Above, she’s working on a very special, one could say, revolutionary doily.

For the whole story:

Hind writes:

Dear Victoria,

I am glad to be able to send some photos of Wa'ad, (who is now fourteen years old) while she was working on a doily she made last month for her mother's birthday. This birthday present is a Handmade by Daughter from a Handmade by Mother pattern posted on August 6, 2009, called: Summer of Polyester Love.

How well I remember the Summer of Polyester Love. When for one brief, wacky moment I actually thought slapping a doily onto a dress made sense.

Good times, good times.

How this pattern was transformed into a doily has a remarkable story. It seems that Wa'ad had actually planned to buy a present for her mother's birthday which was on February 7, but as this was during the revolution, most of the shops were closed, and the curfew regulations did not allow her the chance to go on the streets and search for something nice. So she came to me five days before the birthday was due, asking for a quick and easy pattern to make her first thread crochet project.

Again – as often before – Handmade by Mother had the right solution. In three days the doily was complete, with enough time to be starched and blocked.

A big, gushing puddle of glee describes my reaction to the possibility that my silly blog was able to contribute positively in any teeny tiny way to people’s lives during the Egyptian revolution.

While I mop my glee off the floor, please enjoy this picture of the actual doily.

Squee!

Of course her mother was much more delighted with that handmade present than she would have ever been with any other ready made thing, bought on the last moment.

The doily is worked following the pattern, but it has a simple border on the last three rounds, which can be easily done by counting the stitches on the photo.

Excellent work, Wa’ad, your doily is so pretty! And it’s much nicer and more useful in its present incarnation, than the original sewn into that tacky blouse and skirt.

The cat beside Wa'ad is called Didi. He was put before my door last June by somebody who seems to have been unable to keep him. When I opened the door he just came in, with the intention of staying. He is very calm and friendly as you can notice from the photos.

Didi is adorable. One of my own cats arrived on our doorstep in much the same manner.

I hope that you like that DIY which really saved the day.

With love, Hind.

Like it? I love it!

Who could have ever imagined an unfortunate pattern in a 1975 Ladies’ Home Journal would result in a beautiful birthday present in 2011 revolutionary Egypt?

Thank you, Hind and Wa’ad!

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