Last Minute Christmas Crocheting!

Big Rainbow Block from Family Circle Great Ideas: 112 Fashions and Crafts, August 1980

It’s almost the end of November! That means it’s time to wrap the last of your Christmas gifts, and double check your extended family tree to ensure you haven’t overlooked any of your second cousins (twice removed).

What’s that? You haven’t finished your Christmas shopping yet?

You haven’t even started?!

Dear God, people, Christmas decorations have been up since November 1st, and even earlier in North Carolina.

Yes, it’s never too early for last minute gift panic, so dig into your yarn stash now and start making those “My second cousin’s step-brother’s transgendered Buddhist sister-in-law’s here? Why, of course, I brought a present for him. Or her. Whatever, Merry Christmas.”

But how do you make a gift appropriate for all genders, ages, faiths, left or right politics, and – more importantly – left or right handedness? Why, it’s easy. Just make something absolutely pointless, like this giant granny square cube.

Is it an oversized granny toy, an undersized square ottoman, or a just right mid-sized dust collector? Who knows? The point is if everyone is equally confused by your gift, no one will feel excluded this holiday season.

Because no one enjoys being excluded at Christmastime. Not even the atheists.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

BIG RAINBOW BLOCK

Approximate size: 14” cube

Adorable child not included.

MATERIALS: Maxi-Cord 6mm Twisted Poly in the following colors and amounts: 40 yds red, 70 yds orange, 100 yds yellow, 125 yds green, 115 yds blue

Traditionally, rainbows have seven colours, both in their single and double configurations. However, indigo and purple were excluded from this granny square rainbow because both colours were nom, nom, nom’d by a LOLcat.

(Note: For more information on how to obtain Maxi-Cord, write to Great Yarns Inc, Dept. GSB, P.O. Box 6699, Hollywood, Florida 33021.);

Alas, Maxi-Cord was discontinued, which doubtless led to the demise of Great Yarns Inc. However, any 6mm polypropylene macramé cord should give your granny cube the right amount of abrasiveness to skin a toddler’s chubby hands.

crochet hook, Size N; bulky eye yarn needle; 4 foam rubber squares, each 12”x12”x3”; rubber cement; 1¼ yds unbleached muslin; white glue.

DIRECTIONS: This block is made from 6 giant Granny Squares which are sewn around a foam cube.

The end.

*sigh* Wishful thinking.

To make one Granny Square: With the red cord, ch 6. Join with sl st to form a ring.

Rnd 1: Ch 3. Two dc into the ring, ch 3; *dc into the ring, ch 3. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue with white glue to secure and trim.

Wait, you want us to weave in the ends AND glue them down?

I bet her Christmas packages look a lot like this:

Rnd 2: With sl st, join orange cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 2 space, ch 1. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

Rnd 3: With a sl st, join yellow cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1, 3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1. *(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. Rep from * twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

I’m worried that this crochet pattern is encouraging kids to sniff glue.

Rnd 4: With a sl st, join green cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 3, 2 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *[3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] twice. **(3 dc, ch 3, 3 dc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. [3 dc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] twice. Rep from ** twice. Join with sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

Just look at the impact that all this gluing has had on the pattern editor. There’s unnecessary double asterisking (it’s so intense) and square brackets have been thrown about willy-nilly [but what does it mean?].

Rnd 5: With a sl st, join blue cord in any ch 3 space. (Ch 2, 2 sc, ch 3, 3 sc) in same ch 2 space, ch 1. *[3 sc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] 3 times. ** (3 sc, ch 3, 3 sc) in next ch 3 space, ch 1. [3 sc in next ch 1 space, ch 1] 3 times. Rep from ** twice. Join with a sl st. To complete rnd, weave in end, glue to secure and trim.

This completes one Granny Square. Rep to complete 5 more Granny Squares.

That’s right, this is no lame double rainbow pattern. It’s a super-awesome sextuplet rainbow!

Using 1 yd lengths of blue cord, whipstitch 2 squares together.

What? You don’t want us to glue them together?

All right, but I doubt whipstitching will give us the same brain-cell destroying buzz.

Sew the third and fourth squares to the first two, forming a long narrow rectangle. Sew the fourth square to make a band. Sew the fifth square to the first four squares to make an open cube.

Using rubber cement, glue the four 12”x12”x3”foam pieces together to make a 12”x12”x12” cube.

You know it’s time for an intervention when you abandon the recreational white glue for the cement hard stuff.

Cut six 14” square pieces of muslin. Glue or sew together to cover the cube.

I think we all know this designer went for the glue option.

Place fabric-covered cube inside the Granny Square cube. Sew remaining Granny Square to top. Weave in all ends, glue to secure and trim.

Of course you want to sew and glue this granny square cube up tighter than granny’s laced boots. Sure, we all claim that we wash our removable cushion covers, but we never do.

So, go ahead and ensure that this Granny Square Cubed is as nonwashable as it is nonsensical, and let the dust mites and bed bugs roam free.

Click here for the printable pattern.


Read more!

She’s a Maneater!

“Touch Appeal” dress from Spinnerin International Preference, Vol. 171, 1964

For a pattern called “Touch Appeal”, that gentleman is very cautious about getting too close to her. “Is it safe?” he wonders. “I know, I’ll poke it with a stick, and see what happens.”

Of course, he was never seen again, because she was actually the comic book villainess Poison Ivy in disguise. She pelted him with poison petals until his precious parts popped off.

No?

Okay, so she’s not quite that fatal a femme fatale. Instead of superpowers, she clearly relies on her poor man’s Audrey Hepburn good looks to lure her defenseless prey into the forest. Once this maneater’s had her way with him, she’ll abandon his used up body for the other woodland predators to finish off.

If only he’d watched Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, he would have known better than to challenge a cougar in her natural habitat.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Touch Appeal - Style No. 904
These directions are written for small size (32-34). Changes for medium size (36-38) and large size (40-42) are in parentheses.

Handmade by Mother accepts no responsibility if your dress does not fit because you made it on the basis of the sizes listed. Keep in mind, people were smaller in the 1960s and dress sizes were larger. Plus, these are European sizes, not North American.

Handmade by Mother is also not responsible should the title of this post cause Hall & Oates Maneater to be stuck in your head all day.

Blouse
MATERIALS FOR BLOUSE

SPINNERIN Frostlon Petite (1-oz. balls): 5 (6-6)
OR SPINNERIN Mohaire Boucle or alpine (50-gram balls): 6 (7-7)
1 pair each knitting needles Nos. 5 and 8
1 steel crochet hook No. 0
GAUGE: 5 sts = 1 inch, 7 rows = 1 inch

BODY MEASUREMENT: At bustline 33 (37-41) inches.
BLOUSE MEASUREMENT: At bustline 35 (39-43) inches.

What’s that? You were humming Nelly Furtado’s Maneater, because Hall & Oates is before your time?

That is completely unacceptable! If you’re going to be infected with an earworm at this site, it will be a vintage one!

No need to thank me.

BACK: With smaller needles cast on 73 (83-93) sts. Rib in K 1, P 1 for ½ inch. Change to larger needles. Work in stockinette st (K 1 row, P 1 row) inc 1 st each side every 1 ½ inches 5 times.
Work even on 83 (93-103) sts, until piece measures 10 inches from beg, or desired length to underarms.

ARMHOLES: Bind off 3 (4-6) sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every other row 5 (6-7) times. Work even on 67 (73-77) sts until armholes measures 7 ¾ (8 ¼ -8 ¾) inches. End with a P row.

SHOULDERS: Bind off 6 (7-8) sts at beg of next 2 rows. P next row on right side for hemline.

NECK HEM: Continue in stockinette st, inc 1 st each side every other row for 1 inch. Bind off.

I don’t want to hear any complaining about how boring this blouse is to make. When the apocalypse arrives, you’ll be glad you know how to knit your own blouses.

FRONT: With smaller needles cast on 75 (85-95) sts. Rib in K 1, P 1 for ½ inch. Change to larger needles. Work in stockinette st inc 1 st each side every 1 inch 5 times, every ¾ inch 4 times.
Work even on 93 (103-113) sts until piece measures 10 ¾ inches or ¾ inch longer than Back to Armholes.

ARMHOLES: Bind off 5 (7-8) sts at beg of next 2 rows. Dec 1 st each side every other row 7 (7-9) times. Work even on 69 (75-79) sts until armholes measure 7 ¼ (7 ¾ -8 ¼) inches.

SHOULDERS and NECK HEM: Work same as on Back.

FINISHING: Sew underarm and shoulder seams. Turn Neck Hem to wrong side at hemline and sew in place, sewing inc edge to shoulder seam. Working from right side, work 1 row sc around armholes. Block.

Otherwise, when civilization collapses, you’ll end up looking like Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.

Ignore your husband’s comment about wanting you to look like Ms. Welch. If he persists, threaten to feed him to the Sabertooth Cougar herself; 70 year old Raquel.

Skirt
MATERIALS FOR SKIRT

SPINNERIN Frostlon Petite (1-oz. balls) 8 (9-10) balls Main Color (MC) and 1 ball each Colors A, B and C for trim.
OR SPINNERIN Mohair Boucle or SPINNERIN Alpine (50-gram balls) 11 (12-13) balls Main Color (MC) and 2 balls each Colors A, B and C for trim.
1 pair straight knitting needles No. 10 ½
1 each steel crochet hooks Nos. 2 and 0
1 aluminum crochet hook No. 4
1 yd. nylon net for lining
1 yd. 1 ½-inch grosgrain ribbon
1 7-inch placket zipper
GAUGE: 4 sts = 1 inch, 5 rows = 1 inch

BODY MEASUREMENTS: At hipline 35 (39-43) inches. At waistline 25 (29-33) inches.
SKIRT MEASUREMENTS: At lower edge 49 (53-57) inches. At hipline 37 (41-45) inches. At waistline 26 (30-34) inches. Length 25 inches.

NOTE: Skirt Length is planned for 25 inches. Make any necessary adjustment for length before first dec and keep a record of adjustment made.

PATTERN STITCH: Multiple of 2 sts.
Row 1 (wrong side): *P 2 tog, leave on needle, K same 2 sts tog, drop from left needle*, repeat between *’s to end.
Row 2: Knit.
Row 3: P 1; repeat between *’s of Row 1 to last st, P 1.
Row 4: Knit.
Repeat these 4 rows for pat st.

Unlike an earworm, this pattern will not drive you mad.

BACK: With MC cast on 98 (106-114) sts. Work even in pat st until piece measures 4 inches from beg. Keeping continuity of pat, dec 1 st each side of next row and repeat decs every 2 inches twice, every 1 ½ inches 5 times, then every 1 inch twice. There are 78 (86-94) sts on needle and piece should measure 17 ½ inches from beg. Work even until piece measures 18 inches from beg. End on right side. Place a marker between the 20th (22nd-24th) and 21st (23rd-25th) sts from each end for dark markers. 11th Dec Row: K to within 2 sts of marker, K 2 tog twice, K to within 2 sts of next marker, K 2 tog twice. Keeping continuity of pat, work even on 74 (82-90) sts until piece measures 19 sts from beg. 12th Dec Row: Dec 1 st each side. Work even on 72 (80-88) sts until piece measures 20 inches from beg. 13th Dec Row: Same as 11th Dec Row. Work even on 68 (76-84) sts until piece measures 21 inches from beg. 14th Dec Row: Dec 1 st each side of each dart marker. There are 64 (72-80) sts on needle. Repeat last Dec Row every 1 inch 3 times more. Work even on 52 (60-68) sts until piece measures 25 inches. Bind off remaining sts.

However knitting miles and miles of this pattern, while simultaneously counting decrease rows will very likely drive you over the edge.

Which means you’re now ready to design your own patterns! After all, if there’s anything I’ve learned on this blog, it’s that insanity is a prerequisite for knitwear design.

You want fries with that?

FRONT: Work same as Back.

FINISHING: Sew seams leaving a 7-inch opening on left side for zipper. Cut a nylon net skirt to measurements of knitted skirt, allowing for seams. Sew seams. Sew net skirt to waistline and lower edge of skirt. If preferred, hem net – do not attach to bottom of skirt. Face waistband with grosgrain ribbon, leaving 2 inches extended at back for underlap. Sew snap fasteners on ribbon to close. If desired, work 1 row s c around zipper opening. Sew in zipper so that it does not show.

Sewing? Our knitted dress requires sewing!

Good thing all knitters love sewing, right?

TRIM – Larger Roses (Make 19): With No. 0 crochet hook and Color A, ch 6. Join with a sl st to form a ring. Rnd 1: *Draw up a loop ½ inch long, pull yarn through loop, work 1 s c in back strand of loop (loop st made): repeat from * twice more (3 loop sts made), sl st in back loop of next ch of ring (1 petal made). Make 4 more petals in same way. Rnd 2: Sl st in front loop of first ch of ring. *Ch 1, work 1 loop st, ch 1, sl st in front loop of next ch of ring (1 center petal made). Make 4 more center petals in same way. Break yarn and fasten off.
Smaller Roses (Make 2): With No. 2 crochet hook and Color A, ch 6. Join with sl st to form a ring. Rnd 1: Drawing loops up to ¼ inch, work same as Rnd 1 of Larger Roses. Sl st in front loop of next ch of ring. Rnd 2: *Ch 3, sl st in front loop of next ch of ring (1 center petal made); repeat from * 3 times more (4 center petals made). Break yarn and fasten off.

And crocheting! Lots and lots of crocheting!

Good thing all knitters love crochet, too.

STEMS: With No. 4 aluminum crochet hook and B, make loose chains, working to desired length following illustration.

LEAVES: Work with 1 strand each of B and C in Lazy Daisy Stitch.

Don’t look around for further instructions. REAL maneaters already know how to make lazy daisy and chain stitches.

They also read the pattern thoroughly before they start, so they aren’t ambushed by the sudden introduction of sewing, crocheting, and embroidery. Not to mention, placket zippers which are a mutated plant/jacket zipper hybrid favored by super villainesses.

Okay, okay, placket zippers are just plain old metal zippers, tucked under a flap so that the teeth don’t show. It’s what 1960s femme fatales had to use before invisible zippers came along.

I still like my theory better, though.

Cut tissue paper – 1 piece to match size of Back and one piece to match size of Front of skirt. Trace designs below. Then scale to proper sizes for your skirt. Transfer enlarged designs to papers. Pin or baste the papers to the corresponding parts of Skirt. Beginning with the Back and being sure to sew through net lining, sew Stems over sketches. Sew 5 larger roses in place. Embroider Leaves as described above. Sew Stems and Roses on Front in same way, having the 2 Smaller Roses at top of design. Embroider Leaves. Cut away the papers.

Alternatively, if you’re not keen on embroidering roses onto your outfit, you could always just toss a few decorative blossoms over yourself. If you stay very, very still, in no time at all, men will be sneaking up to poke you with sticks. Sure, they’re checking to see if you’re alive, but once they’re within reach they’re easy prey... I mean, easy to impress.

“Little ol’ me, a maneater? Don’t be ridiculous. Now, put down that silly stick and come just a wee bit closer.”

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Darwin’s Granny Squares

Americana Jumper from Crochet World, April 1979

One Piece at a Time
By Jean G. Caprera

In her rocking chair the little gray haired woman peacefully swayed back and forth, the rhythm of the motion keeping time to the pace of her crochet hook.

Little did she know that the Crochet Hook Murderer was about to strike!

If this description matches your own notion of the average crocheter, then you are sadly out of step with modern times. Today’s woman crochets, not out of boredom, but rather from the stimulation of creativity; not solely as a consequence of economic necessity, but rather because of her need to express individuality.

Sadly, Jean wasn’t writing a blood-curdling crochet murder mystery. Instead, she penned the very first granny square infomercial. It’s so sad when crocheters sell out.

The concept that crocheted needlework belongs exclusively to the belief that the “Granny” is limited to use in afghans. Crocheting has become fashionable, and it thus should come as no surprise that the traditional piecework of “Grannying” should evolve into a more versatile product in keeping with these social changes.

I suspect Jean’s grasp of fashion is as shaky as her grammar.

However, she’s right about the evolution of “Grannying.” Crochet anthropologists have confirmed that this jumper is the missing link between blood-soaked afghans and scarlet women.

For the uninitiated, perhaps a few words of clarification as to what is meant by the term “Granny square”... First of all, the word “square” is itself an inaccuracy. The Granny can be a rectangle, hexagon, octagon, circle or even a combination of various forms.

Unfortunately, this pattern will feature “squares” instead of these intriguing alternatives. I hate to say it, but I think Jean is a “Granny” tease.

It can be a multi-hued blend or a single color pattern. It can be individual strips or delicate lacy insertions, but the one unique quality about “Grannying” which marks its popularity in this fast-paced world is its potential for being done one piece at a time!

Those odd moments... While waiting for your doctor or dentist... While patiently sitting at the bus stop…While enduring a long-winded telephone call... are all perfect opportunities for piece-work crochet. “Grannying” lends itself easily to these otherwise wasted minutes since small amounts of wool can be conveniently carried and the pattern is very often repetitive.

Repetitive stress injuries were diagnosed with growing frequency in the late 1970s. I’m not saying Jean was responsible… I’m merely implying it.

Recently, I was summoned for one month of grand jury duty. Piecework crochet proved to be the perfect solution for those idle minutes between cases which could have turned to boredom.

Law and Order: Special Crocheters Unit!

No? How about Law and Order: Crochet Intent?

Now I wish to share my enthusiasm for this special crochet with you. The pattern I have selected for this issue is a jumper designed for those chilly days of spring and fall. Because of its color choice (red and blue), I have named it “The Americana Jumper”.

In this case, jumper doesn’t mean a sweater made by Mrs. Weasley nor a suicidal Harry Potter fan. A jumper, according to the Random House Dictionary, can also be “a one-piece, sleeveless dress, or a skirt with ...a complete or partial bodice, usually worn over a blouse by women and children.”

Except this jumper actually has sleeves. My God, this means I’ve discovered the American missing link in the evolution of England’s prim pinafores into Australian groovy grannies!

I await my Nobel Prize in Crochology.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!)

THE AMERICANA JUMPER
(Rated “I” – Intermediate)

As opposed to “I” for Interesting.

MATERIALS:
NOTE: Yarn requirement based on small to medium size. Large may require an additional skein or two of each color.

Approx. 3 (4 oz. 4-ply) skeins of red.
Approx. 5 (4 oz. 4-ply) skeins of blue.

Be sure to choose colours that won’t evolve over time into Jack the Ripper Red and Heart of Darkness Blue.

SIZES:
Small – 32” bust; Size G hook to produce 4¼” square
Medium – 35” bust; Size H hook to produce 3½” square
Large – 37” bust; Size I hook to produce 3¾” square

Busts were much smaller in the 1970s than they are now. For instance, iconic pin up Farrah Fawcett was considered a triple D cup in 1976.

Or so my big brother insisted.

THE GRANNY PUFF SQUARE

RND 1: With blue, ch 4, sl st in first ch to form ring, ch 1, 8 sc into ring. Sl st in first sc made.

RND 2: Pull up loop on hook to approximately ¾”. * Yarn over, pull up loop in first sc to approximately ¾”; repeat this 4 times in the same sc. Then yarn over and through all 9 loops on hook, ch 1 tightly to fasten st, ch 3. In next sc, repeat from * until 8 puffs sts made. Cut and fasten off blue.

RND 3: With red, sl st in any space between puff stitch, ch 3. In the same space, 2 dc, ch 2, 3 dc, ch 1. This will be a corner for the square. In next space, 3 dc, ch 1. Then repeat instructions for the corner (except future corners will be 3 dc, ch 2, 3 dc). Continue in each space until you have completed four corners and four sides.

Sl st in top of ch 3 which marked the beginning of the round and leave a 10” length of yarn, after fastening off, to be used for sewing together.

My goodness, it looks like a granny square sweater for The Incredible Hulk.

Then again, the Hulk did need a lot of new tops during the 1970s.

Complete a total of 44 squares. Ten of these will be used for the sleeves. Following diagram above, assemble squares, sewing shoulder seams.

Assemble 5 squares in a row to be used for sleeves: sew these into place at armhole of garment, matching the squares of the sleeves to the squares of the jumper.

For heavens sake, crocheters can be trusted to attach a simple sleeve onto a jumper without a diagram!

Or not.

ROW 1: Beginning at the bottom of the assembled garment, with red, sc in each dc, 1 sc in each space, working 1 sc in each of the joining corner spaces. To obtain a well-rounded edge to the garment, work 3 sc in the spaces at both bottom corners and neckline corner. Join with sl st to first sc in round. Ch 1, turn.

ROW 2: Sc in each sc (repeating the 3 sc in the bottom edging). * At points indicated by X in the diagram, crochet a chain approximately 10” long, sc in each chain and continue sc around garment until next marker, repeat from *. Join with sl st to first sc in round. Fasten off.

Alas, the development of crochet laced bodices were an evolutionary dead end in granny square fashion. Moreover, wearing one would also prevent your genes from being passed onto future generations.

ROW 3: Attach blue to second sc in bottom corner, dc in each sc across, ending at 2nd sc at other end of bottom section. Join this section together to form circular skirt by sl st last dc to first dc, ch 3, turn.

ROW 4: DC in each dc; join with sl st. Fasten off blue.

ROW 5: With red, sc in each dc across, join, ch 1, turn.

ROW 6: Repeat row 5, then fasten off red.

ROW 7: Measure width of skirt at this time. If it is not wide enough for your hip measurement, increase hook size – G to H; H to I; I to J.

Join blue, dc in each sc, join, ch 3, turn. Continue with blue until desired length of skirt is reached.

The longer the better! After all, floor length grannies are super sexy.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Read more!

Beware Thou of the Mutant!

Chicken Potholder Mitt from “Gifts, Knitted and Crocheted”, 1956.

Who doesn’t love potholders? They keep your fingers from being scorched, and they’re the perfect way to assert your individuality even while you’re being oppressed by the patriarchy cooking a delicious meal for your family.

The sleepy fish clearly proclaims to the world that Helen the Housewife prefers seafood because it cooks up faster and doesn’t cut into her beauty rest. What do you mean that fish is dead? No, it’s just having a snooze. Where do you think the phrase “sleeps with the fishes” comes from?

However, that fish is boring compared to the jellyfish, so I’ll make that one instead. Like Shirley the Stay-At-Home Mom who lovingly handmade those tentacles, I love trying exotic foods and...

What? It’s not a jellyfish? Um… is it an alien? Shirley was from West Texas, so surely she’d want to commemorate in crochet the visit of several U.F.O.s in November of 1957.

No? I give up, I have no idea what kind of abomination Shirley summoned from the depths of hell with her crochet hook.

It’s a chicken? What kind of chicken has FIVE LEGS?

OMG, who’s the cutest little freak of nature EVAH? You are. Yes, you are!

Hang on, that’s Henrietta the Mutant Chick and she only has four legs. Let’s try looking at this potholder from a different angle.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Flipping the photo upside down reveals that this potholder wasn’t a delicious drumstick-enhanced mutation after all. It’s just a depressed, mascara-wearing chicken with a feathery tail and no legs whatsoever.

How disappointing.

Chicken Potholder Mitt

Materials Required – AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “STAR” COTTON YARN, ARTICLE 75

1 – 100 yd. Skein Yellow.

2 yds. Black for Eyes.

Steel Crochet Hook No. 00

Body. Ch 4, 11 d c in 1st st of ch, join in top of ch.
2nd Row. Working in back loop of st only throughout, ch 1, 2 s c in same space, 2 s c in each remaining st (do not join or turn this or following rows).
3rd Row. Place a marker at beginning of row, work 1 s c in each s c increasing in every 2nd st.
4th Row. Increase in every 3rd st.
5th and 6th Rows. Work even in s c.
7th Row. Increase in every 4th st.
8th Row. Increase in every 5th st.
9th Row. Increase in every 6th st.
10th Row. Increase in every 7th st.
11th Row. Work even, break yarn.

I’m not sure what this potholder would say about you as a cook. Except that you sensibly cut off the legs before the head, so the chicken won’t mess up your kitchen by running around with its head chopped off.

Now, don’t you feel sorry for that legless, soon to be decapitated chicken. If you didn’t kill it, that chicken would become a bad influence on your children.

Head. Work 1st 5 rows same as body, then work bill, ch 3, 2 tr c in same space with last s c, ch 3, sl st in same space, break yarn.

You also like your chickens with soft, non-pointy beaks, presumably so they can’t defend themselves.

However, while your soft beaked chicken will pose no threat to you, your babies are still vulnerable. Just look what happened to Shirley’s youngest!

Tail. Skip 14 sts from head, join thread in next st, ch 10, s c in 3rd st from hook, 1 s c in each remaining st of ch, then work 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c of body, (working in opposite direction from head) ch 1, turn.
2nd Row. Skip 1 s c, working in back loop of st only throughout, 1 s c in each of the next 7 sts, ch 3, turn.
3rd Row. Skip 1st 2 sts of ch, s c in next st, 1 s c in each of the next 7 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 2 s c of body, ch 1, turn. Repeat last 2 rows 3 times, break yarn.

Where do you find a legless chicken?

Right where you left it!

Ba-dum-cha!

Work other half of mitt in same manner but starting tail having the wrong side of work toward you.

Sew the 2 sections together leaving about 22 sts free below the tail for opening. With Black, embroider eyes.

Now wait a gosh darn second! We’re supposed to stick our hand WHERE?

That’s just disgusting. Surely, Shirley knew that using a whole chicken is perverted!

Whereas, four-legged fowl are just a bit kinky.

His name is Stumpy, and he likes long walks by the lake with than special someone. Serious replies only!

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Happy Halloween AKA a Taste of ClownFests to Come!

Clown Mask from Crochet World, Special Issue No. 6, 1984

“Awww... what a cute kitty. And who’s that holding the Trick-or-treat bag?

Oh my god! KILL IT! Kill the EVIL CLOWN!

Oh wait, it’s just Justin. Sorry kid, I didn’t mean to bludgeon you with my broom. Just take that darn mask off. It’s not safe. The next person who sees you might grab a shotgun, and then you’ll have a lot more to cry over than a concussion.

Next time, trust your instincts and go be Superman in your Underoos instead.”

Clearly, Justin’s crafty mother has decided she wants him dead. After all, we all know that clowns are the most terrifyingly loathsome creatures in all of Halloween lore.

You think I’m exaggerating?

Consider the horrifying evidence...

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

CLOWM MASK
By Joy M. Nore

Don’t let the name of the pattern designer fool you! Her name may look like “More Joy” but that’s just an evil plan to lull you into a false sense of security.

MATERIALS:
Worsted weight yarn: 2 ozs white, 1 oz black, 1 oz red
Crochet hook size G
½’’ wide elastic

MASK
With white, ch 31.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 6: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.

EYEHOLES:

Be sure to make the eye holes as small as possible. You don’t want your child accidentally glimpsing themselves in a mirror.

Charlie Chaplin glimpsed himself in the dressing room mirror while making his 1952 film “Limelight” and was immediately possessed by the spirit of a murderous clown. In fact, that was the real reason his American visa was revoked and he was barred from re-entering the U.S.A.. The story about his alleged “communist sympathies” was just a cover, designed to prevent mass panic in the face of a Charlie Chaplin clown on a killing spree.

Yes, clowns are scarier than communists. They’re THAT scary.

ROWS 7 – 9: Sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off.
Sk 4 st on Row 6, join in next st, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 5 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row. Fasten off.
Sk next 4 st, join in next sc, ch 1, sc in same place, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn.
Work 2 more rows on these st in sc, ch 1, turn each row.
ROW 10: Sc in next 8 st, ch 4, sc in next 6 st, ch 4, sc in next 8 st, ch 1, turn. Eyeholes completed.
ROWS 11 & 12: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 13: (1st Point) Sc in 1st 14 st, sl st in next st.

Justin’s clown mask comes complete with demonic horns. Clearly, it was inspired by the Sparr Fruit Co. Clown Brand advertising campaign:

Buy Sparr Fruit, or the Sparr Fruit Clown will come to your house and slice you open with his pointy hair and eat your heart, all the while giggling maniacally.

It was a surprisingly effective campaign.

ROW 14: Sl st in 1st st, sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. (13 st)
ROWS 15 – 20: Sc in each st across to sl st; sl st or ch 1, at same end of each row, having 1 less st in each row. (7 sc in Row 20)
ROW 21: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sk 1 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 22: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in next st. Fasten off.
Second Point: Join yarn in next st on Row 13. Rep Rows 13 – 22, reversing shaping.

EYE DIAMONDS:

The eye diamonds are more proof that Justin’s mother wants him dead. After all, if Justin’s vision is completely obscured by his mask, he’s likely to wander into the street and get mowed down by a car.

With black, ch 2.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, ch 1, turn.
ROW 2: 2 sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 3: 2 sc in 1st st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 4: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 5: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 6: Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 7 – 9: (EYEHOLES) Sc in 1st st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off after Row 9. At the other end of Row 6, join yarn in 5th st, Rep Row 6: 4 times.
Do not Fasten off.
ROW 10: Sc in 1st st, ch 4, sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 11: Sc in each st and ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 12: Sk 1st st, sc in next 4 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 13: Sl st in 1st st, sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 14: Sc in next 2 st, sl st in last st.
ROW 15: Dec over next 2 st. Fasten off, leaving length for sewing. Sew in place.

NOSE: Make 2’’ pompon with red yarn. Sew as shown in photograph.

FINISHING: With black, sc all around Mask, putting 2 sc in each corner. With red yarn, make straight st outward from Eyes. Cut elastic to fit around head; and sew on each side.

You might believe that being terrified of clowns is a modern phenomenon. Surely, you say, there was a far less sensible time when clowns were considered loveable. Why just look at this adorable little scamp in this vintage card!

Ignoring minor details such as that girl is far too young to be playing with fire let alone worrying about future lovers, the cat is clearly possessed by demons or it would have ripped that collar off, and the boy in the clown costume is so psychotic he’s just smashed his head through a mirror and has jagged shards of glass pointing right at his throat...

Where was I? Oh yes, ignoring all the above, the fact remains that this is just a drawing which in no way conveys the abiding horror of clowns throughout history.

Allow me to present Actual Photographic Evidence.

Some of these children are frozen in terror, while others, like the boy in the wheelchair, are resigned to their fate. The clown has them all in his corpse-white grasp, and there’s no escape. Maybe, thinks the littlest one, we’ll be allowed to live and get to be his evil minions. All I have to do is kill the photographer to prove my loyalty.

He’s wrong, of course. It’s the little girl who gets to be the killer clown’s acolyte. Yes, that’s Justin’s mother, Joy!

So have a Happy Halloween! Steer clear of the sweet old lady next door who offers to crochet costumes for you, and watch out for clowns!

Click here for the printable pattern.

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Definitely Not a Treat

Trick or Treat Pumpkin from Crochet World Omnibook, Fall 1980

Longtime readers will recognize the squished jack o’ lantern on the far left as the Pumpkin of Halloween Past, Crocheted Jack o’ Lantern version 1.0 AKA Ms. Mushy. This year, we’ll be making the pumpkin in the middle, a crochet craft based on the legend of Stringy Jack!

Who’s that? C’mon, everybody knows about Stringy Jack. He was the first Irish basketball player whose long appendages and ability to dribble a carved turnip made that sport the third most popular in Ireland.

What do you mean it’s the legend of Stingy Jack? Don’t be ridiculous, why would an immortal Irishman with a turnip fetish need such long arms and legs? And just try to explain the existence of this photo without the legend of Stringy Jack!

Although, I suspect this is the love child of Stringy Jack and Ms. Mushy. Now, if you don’t believe your crochet skills are up to creating this work of art, don’t despair. This pumpkin treat is on sale now!**

As for the pumpkin on the far right of Ms. Mushy and Mr. Stringy, that’s none other than the Great Pumpkin himself. Of course, I’m not foolish enough to make a graven image of that Pumpkin of Halloween Future. Not after what happened to Linus.

**Handmade by Mother isn’t legally or morally responsible for any trauma caused by dealing with third party sites, including, but not limited to, getting exactly what you paid for.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!)

Grinning not included.

TRICK OR TREAT PUMPKIN
by Dolores Brown

MATERIALS: Plastic pumpkin (about 3-inch size); orange knitting worsted weight yarn; small amount of black yarn; ice pick and yarn needle;

Whoa Dolores – an ice pick?!

First, a bunny boiler, and now a fan of Basic Instinct. It’s shameful how the crafting world has become so morbid!

OMG, who’s the cutest zombie evah!

Ahem. I mean, shameful.

pompon maker (optional);

But the ice pick is not optional!

Then again, I’d kill for a good pompom maker.

size E crochet hook.

SIZE: Measures approx. 6” from top plastic pumpkin to feet.

Make arms and legs of orange yarn; leave about 8 inches of yarn at beginning and end.

ARMS: (Make 2.) With orange, chain 40. Make 3 dc in 3rd ch from hook and in each ch to end of row. End off. Coil and tack ending yarn to hold in place at top, then carry end through top of coil.

LEGS: (Make 2.) With orange, chain 60. Make 3 dc in 3rd ch from hook and in each ch to end of row. Finish off same as arms.

Make 2 holes with ice pick in each side for arms and 4 holes (2 each, near side) in bottom of pumpkin.

Before getting stab happy, you may wish to lay down lots of plastic sheeting to avoid leaving forensic evidence of your crime spree.

Run ends of yarns through holes and tie each arm and leg on inside. Clip excess yarn.

Make 4 small pompons using approximately 2 yds. for each of black yarn and attach to coils for hands and feet. Using 2 strands of black yarn crochet chain length desired and attach to top of pumpkin for handle.

Fill pumpkin with treats for your favorite ghost or goblin.

If I remember my Tolkien correctly, goblins like to eat hobbits. However, as Frodo Fricassee is an illegal dish in most parts of the world, maybe you should just serve up ghost treats.

Warning: eating Boo Berry cereal may result in sugar crashes, marshmallow migraines and Pantone 368 green poo.

If a much larger pumpkin is used the arms and legs could be made as follows:

That’s right, the obesity epidemic has hit pumpkins. And we all know why…

Pumpkin cannibalism!

Using size I crochet hook:
LEGS: (Make 2.) Chain 35.
Row 1: 2 dc in 2nd ch from hook and 3 dc in each st across, ch 2, turn.
Row 2: 3 hdc in each st across. Fasten off and twist to form legs.

ARMS: (Make 2.) Chain 19. Work same as legs.
Make medium-sized pompons for hands and feet.

Dolores, a “happily married housewife”…

Oh dear, those quotation marks around happily married housewife are troubling, given Dolores’ belief in mandatory ice picks. I hope for her husband’s sake that he never forgot their anniversary or her birthday.

…has three grown sons – one married, the other two still at home.

Oh ho, two failures to launch still mooching off Mom. Maybe the ice pick wasn’t to keep hubby in line, after all.

You’ll be doing your own laundry from now on, buckos!

She said that crochet is her favorite form of relaxation, but also enjoys needlepoint, counted cross-stitch, latch hook and a little quilting.

And don’t forget more than a little ice picking.

She is now learning how to tat.

But not with an ice pick. Dolores has since moved on to bigger and better weapons crafts.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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Check under your Tires this Halloween!

Door Witch from Crochet World No. 6 Special Issue, 1984

Witch hunting is no longer in vogue, but witches are still not safe in the modern world. Every Halloween, thousands of witches tragically become roadkill. Yet no one wants to wear an orange ribbon to raise awareness of this sorceress slaughter!

The poor witch above, known only as Roadkilla #666, was clearly dragged for several miles by her nose. But was the driver Hansel arrested? Of course not! His sister Gretel told a sob story of being kidnapped by a cannibal witch in their youth, and suddenly Hansel’s the victim!

Handmade by Mother’s crack team of investigative journalists found it very suspicious that Hansel and Gretel threw around these accusations of nearly being eaten by a witch. Especially after they refused to explain the disappearance Roadkilla’s hands, and everyone knows that eating roadkill is legal in their home state of Tennessee.

After touring Oprah and all the talk shows, Hansel and Gretel settled down to make their fortune in Roadkill Bingo. Meanwhile, no one stepped forward to claim Roadkilla’s body, and months later her corpse was found stuffed and mounted on the office door of the Bates Motel. But thanks to the generosity of an anonymous donor, Roadkilla was finally given a delicious … I mean, decent burial.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

DOOR WITCH

By Debbie Randy

MATERIALS:
Worsted weight 4-ply yarn: 2 oz black, sm amt green and orange
Crochet hook size H
Cat eyes (15 mm)
Broom of choice

I don’t want to question Debbie’s artistic vision, but cat eyes for a witch? A black cat may agree to be your companion in magical mischief, but it won’t be your organ donor!

Trust me, I once listed my cat as my emergency contact, and it didn’t work out.

FACE
With green, ch 5.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 7: 2 sc in 1st st, sc across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 8 – 23: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Fasten off.

The good news – this pattern is easy enough for a beginner!

NOSE
With green, ch 8.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 15: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn. Fasten off at end of Row 15. Sew edge of Nose together (long edge). Sew one end to Row 11 of Face.

The bad news – this pattern will convince beginners that crocheting is the most boring thing to do on this planet. When, in truth, blogging holds that honour.

HAIR
With orange, cut 26 – 28” pieces of yarn. Attach 2 pieces at a time along top of Face. Cut the center 10 sts at Row 16.

Canadians should braid the orange hair, and insist that all trick-or-treating children tug on the braids, shouting, “Carrots!”

For those unfamiliar with Anne of Green Gables, she’s a beloved icon of Canadian children’s literature, who may or may not have been a puppy-killing Nazi.

HAT
CROWN
With black, ch 14.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 8: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 9: Dec over next 2 st, sc in next 9 sts, dec over last 2 sts, ch 1, turn.
ROW 10: Rep Row 2.
ROW 11: Dec over 1st 2 st, sc across, dec over last 2 st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 12: Rep Row 2.
ROW 13: Rep Row 11.
ROW 14 – 16: Rep Row 2.
ROW 17: Rep Row 11.
ROW 18: Rep Row 2.
ROW 19: Rep Row 11.
ROWS 20 – 22: Rep Row 2.
ROW 23: Dec over 1st 2nd st, sl st in next st. Fasten off.

BRIM
With black yarn, join yarn to lower right-hand corner of Hat Crown, on other side of beginning ch-14.
ROW 1: Sc in 1st ch, sc in same ch, sc in each ch across to last ch, 2 sc in last ch, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 8: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across to last st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn. Fasten off at end of Row 8.

You’ll have noticed that the hat is by far the most complicated part of this pattern. But that’s only right, because witches really love their hats.

Witches’ cats, on the other hand, not so much.

BODY
With black, ch 17.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 2: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 3: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn. (18 st)
ROWS 4 &5: Rep Row 2.
ROW 6: Rep Row 3.
ROWS 7 – 24: Rep Rows 4 – 6.
ROWS 25 – 27: Rep Row 2.
ROW 28: Rep Row 3.
ROWS 29 – 40: Rep Rows 25 – 28:
ROWS 41 & 42: Rep Row 2.

Whoa Debbie, why are you suddenly using fancy-smancy ampersands? Were you testing me to see if I was still awake?

To be fair, I was sleep crocheting.

SLEEVES
(Make 2)
With black, ch 13.
ROW 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, and in each ch across, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 & 3: Sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 4: 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 5 – 14: Rep Rows 3 and 4. (24 sts at end of Row 14)
ROWS 15 – 27: Rep Row 3. Fasten off.

Or possibly zombie crocheting by this point.

No, no, not a crochet zombie, zombie crocheter … oh, never mind.

Sew sleeves to side of Body. Fold Sleeve in half so that point is at bottom. Tack in place.

BOOTS
(Make 2)
With black, fold Body in half; attach yarn, sk middle st, sc across 4 sc, ch 1, turn.
ROWS 2 – 5: Sc in each st across.
ROW 6: Starting Toe, 2 sc in 1st st, sc in each st across, ch 1, turn.
ROW 7: Sc in each st across, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 8: Starting HEEL, sc in base of ch-1, sc in next 2 st, sl st in next st, sc in next 2 st, 2 sc in last st, ch 1, turn.
ROW 9: Repeat Row 8.
ROWS 10 & 11: 2 sc for Heel. Fasten off.

Yes, these seem like awfully long boots for Roadkilla, but witches love their fancy footwear almost as much as their hats.

Whatever you do, don’t try to liven up this pattern by going for the ruby slipper option. You’ll be sorry.

Sew Head to Body. Attach Broom and Eyes.

Yes, it’s very important to attach the Broom first, and then the Eyes. That’s because witches love their brooms far more than their eyesight.

Which may explain why so many witches end up as flat as Roadkilla.

That, and one too many witches’ brews.

Click here for the printable pattern.


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