Any day can be Poodle Day!

Have you hugged your poodle today?

Because if you haven't the consequences can be terrifying...

Read on to discover this harried little poodle's origin story...

Faithful reader Alice explains in the comments section for Your Boudoir Needs Poodles, Too!, "I'm making (a poodle) this weekend as a work joke.  I call it a "poodle day" when I'm forgetful and everything's overwhelming, thanks to my mother's long-passed toy poodle who after 2 strokes would walk into the kitchen, stop, look around, and shake its head as if to say, 'Why am I here and what was I doing?'  Then it would return to the living room.  Some work days are like that."

Yes, this adorably scraggy little poodle is Alice's handiwork.  She's made of baby-weight yarn and stuffed with lentils "so she'd stay put on my cube wall."

Clearly, both fiber and fibre are an important part of every healthy poodle's diet!

So, on this Casual Friday, be sure to hug your straggly, easily confused inner poodle.  After all, there is such a thing as being too well groomed.

Have you hugged a zombie today?

 

My first novel, Alice Hearts Welsh Zombies, has been officially launched, and is now available for ordering online!

In celebration of this momentous occasion, I’d like to inflict upon… I mean, offer you a video book trailer featuring crocheted actors (who are cheaper and less argumentative than the living kind).



But Victoria, you cry, I want a zombie pal of my very own! I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him and call him George. Or Vincent Van No Ears as that’s an awesome zombie name. Okay, the point is, I want one and I hate googling for patterns!

Never fear, I’ve written up an original pattern, by which I mean, I scribbled notes on my arm as I crocheted a zombie.

To experience the love that dare not moan its name (wow, that came out wrong):

Just click the link below and you’ll whisked off to my awesome author website which contains all the information an anarchist crocheter needs for creating zombies! Plus all sorts of Alice Hearts Welsh Zombies fun if you’re in the mood to browse…

Crochet a Zombie!

Why? Because…

You're Invited to (Another) Party!

I’m having a real book launch, with a real book!

My third-place winning novel Alice Hearts Welsh Zombies will be released by The Workhorsery, a small press dedicated to publishing non-depressing Canadian fiction, on June 16th.

 

Disclaimer:  The actual book is neither hardcover nor a million pages thick.  It’s a reasonably-sized trade paperback, which will be affordably priced at under 20 dollars. 

Celebrate with me at the Ottawa Book Launch!

Saturday, June 16^th, 7:00 to 10:00 pm

Collected Works Bookstore & Coffeebar

1242 Wellington Street West (at Holland)

(613) 722-1265

Come dressed as a zombie and compete in a Zombie Beauty Contest!

Prizes!  Free Food!  Readings!  Author Signing!

If you’re good, you may get a sticker!

What is Alice Hearts Welsh Zombies all about?

The World Bog Snorkelling Championship in Wales is being menaced by shambling hordes of the undead.  Fortunately for bog sport enthusiasts, Alice, the former telephone psychic, and Welly, the mostly indestructible man, head of Odyssey International’s Enforcement branch, dedicated to stomping out the supernatural.  But Alice and Welly might not even make it to Wales because a fervent zombie rights activist has stowed his zombie best friend in their plane’s luggage compartment.  Now the zombie plague is spreading at 25,000 feet, complicated by the moral dilemma that zombies just might be people too!  Decaying, infectious, bitey people…

Published by the Workhorsery and available in Ottawa on June 16^th (Canada-wide release scheduled for July).

Paperback ISBN:  9780981261249

eBook ISBN:  9780981261256 

Come speak up for Zombie Rights!  (Moaning also acceptable.) 

The zombie on the far right may have partied a little too hard...

Back to the Future

Tabby Tabard Pattern from Tabards, designs by Carole Rutter, Leisure Arts, Leaflet 94, 1977

Tabards were originally cloths worn by medieval knights over their armour, in a desperate attempt to differentiate one chainmail-encased man from another.

This knight’s tabard is giving him the bravery to fight on despite being cut off at the knees. Methinks he’s a relative of the Black Knight.

In any case, modern tabards are almost exclusively worn by professional cleaning staff.

Don’t be deceived by her mild mannered appearance. She could easily take out that stubby-legged knight. Just look at her smile. She’ll mop the floor with him!

However, between our distant, somewhat height-challenged past, and our terrifyingly clean dystopian present, there were the Sixties and Seventies. When, for one brief moment, we dared dream of a bright, shining future when absolutely everyone would wear tabards.

Even for the manliest of villains, tabards are the perfect sparkly accessory for the annual tribble hunt!

To make your own sexy, warrior tabard:

This woman and child are either space colonists or members of an oppressive cult. Or both!

TABBY

Size: See General Instructions

Note that this particular space cult allowed its members to use “personal preference” in placement of the ties. That’s why it didn’t survive past the Seventies. Allow cultists to make any decisions for themselves, and it’s only a matter of time before they decide to place the ties around the Supreme Alien Leader’s neck.

Materials: Worsted wt yarn, (6-8-10) [14-16-18] oz gold, (1-1-1) [2-2-2] oz each copper, dk brown and med brown heather; aluminum crochet hook sizes E and J (Canadian sizes 9 and 3) or sizes needed for gauge.

Gauge: With larger hook, in patt, 10 sts = 3’’; 7 rows = 2’’

Pattern Stitch
Row 1: Sc in first sc, * ch 1, sk next st, sc in next st; rep from * across; ch 1, turn. Row 2: Sc in first sc, * dc in skipped st 2 rows below, sc in next st; rep from * across; ch 1, turn. Rep Rows 1 and 2 for patt.

INSTRUCTIONS
Back : With larger hook and gold, ch (30-38-42) [48-54-62].
Foundation Row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, * ch 1, sk next ch, sc in next ch; rep from * across; ch 1, turn. Next Row: (Mark this side as right side of work.) Sc in first sc, * dc in skipped ch of foundation ch, sc in next sc; rep from * across; ch 1, turn. Now work Patt Rows 1 and 2 until you have completed (3-5-5) [9-9-9] rows in gold, ending by working Row 1. Now work established patt in the following color sequence:

However, if you’re fortunate enough to escape the clutch of space cults obsessed with earth tones, this tabard will still be useful if you accidentally become Lost in Space.

Sure, you’ll have to put up with your annoyingly nice parents, your obnoxious siblings, an anxiety-ridden robot and a drippy old dude trying to take over the world. But at least you’ll be able to moon over the handsome Space Corps Major while rocking your groovy geometric tabard!

And let’s face facts, when it comes to the future, there’s a lot worse things that can happen to you than having to wear a tabard.

You have worked a total of (36-48-62) [86-90-100] rows. Neck and Shoulder Shaping: Continuing in patt with gold, work across (3-5-5-) [7-9-11] sts for 2 more rows; finish off. Skip center (23-27-31) [33-35-39] sts for neck opening. Join gold with a sl st in next st; beg in same st as joining and work in patt across rem sts for 2 rows; finish off. Front: Work same as back until you have completed a total of (34-44-58) [80-84-94] rows. Neck and Shoulder Shaping: Continuing in patt with gold, work across (3-5-5) [7-9-11] sts for (4-6-6) [8-8-8] rows; finish off. Skip center (23-27-31) [33-35-39] sts for neck opening. Join gold with a sl st in next st; beg in same st as joining and work in patt across rem sts for (4-6-6) [8-8-8] rows; finish off.

Finishing: Sew shoulder seams. Edging: With right side facing and smaller hook, join gold with a sl st in any st at outside edge of tabard, ch 1, work 1 rnd in sc around entire edge, working 3 sc in each of 4 corners, join with a sl st in beg ch-1; finish off. With right side facing and larger hook, join gold with a sl st in any st at neck edge, ch 1, work 1 rnd of sc loosely around neck edge, join with a sl st in beg ch-1; finish off.

Worse things like having your home planets destroyed by terrifying automatons, then being forced to join a rag-tag fleet, fleeing oppression and poor ratings across the stars. But you can happily survive it all so long as you’re wearing a stylish tabard.

Ties: With smaller hook, make 2 ties with copper and 2 ties with med brown heather; see General Instructions.

So crochet yourself a Tabby Tabard, and this simple medieval garb will ensure you’ll be gleefully fashionable wherever or whenever you travel in space and time.

Except the Eighties…

Click here for the printable pattern.

The Days of Dysfunctional Summer

Water Sprite Suit from “The Children’s Book” 1935

Summer is coming!

Sure, it’s hard for those of us stuck in the Great White North to believe that right now, with all the snow piled up outside our windows. But it’s true. Summer is a mere four months away and that’s barely enough time to begin planning your children’s beach-side humiliation.

If you don’t start now, you’ll only have a half-finished Sprite Suit come August, and your well-adjusted, happy children won’t need a psychiatrist when they’re grown. Face facts, dysfunctional families now outnumber the so-called normal ones. So, if you want your children to fit in with the cool kids, you need to knit up this suit now to ensure a summer of sand, sun and suffering.

One day, your children will thank you.*


*Handmade by Mother is not responsible should your grown children’s gratitude be expressed by replying to your Christmas cards with cease and desist letters.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Water Sprite Suit No. 780

Size 1-2 Years

The perfect age! There are just two times in your life when you will be blissfully unconcerned with what you wear. The first is when you’re too young to read fashion magazines:

And the second is when you’re old enough to know that supermodels are the true fashion victims.

MATERIALS – Bear Brand or Bucilla Cassimere Sport Yarn,
1 ball Main Color, 1 ball Contrasting Color.
1 pair Bucilla 14-inch Steel Knitting Needles, Size 1, Article 3499.

Be careful with those steel needles. I own several, and their points have a distressing habit of getting sharper with use. Eventually, you’re either constantly snagging wool on them or sticking their thorn-like tips through your fingers.

So, do your best not to injure yourself, as blood is not a positive addition to most fibre projects.

2 Bucilla Steel Needles, Sock Size, No. 14, Article 3494.

Unless you think you might have cancer, in which case stabbing yourself with your needles might save your life!

1 Bucilla Steel Crochet Hook, Size 4, Article 4300.

Gauge: 8 stitches = 1 inch, 12 rows = 1 inch.

With contrasting color and the small steel needles, cast on 64 sts; work in stockinette stitch (k 1 row, p 1 row) for 14 rows; break off yarn, leaving an end to sew with. With main color work 8 rows, with contrasting color 8 rows. Break off contrasting color and change to the large needles; work 2 rows even. Increase 1 st at both ends in next row, and in every 12th row thereafter, until there are 5 increases at each side (74 sts on needle).

If you lose count, you will only shame yourself, and not your child.

Work 7 rows even after the last increase. Bind off 4 sts at beginning of each of the next 4 rows, 2 sts at beginning of each of the following 10 rows, and 1 st at beginning of every row until 22 sts are left on needle. Work 5 rows even and then bind off.

Make a duplicate piece. Sew (or weave) the 2 halves together at crotch.

If you were planning to weave the crotch, putting the last 22 stitches on a spare needle would have been preferable to binding them off. Given that you were following the instructions carefully, it’s likely too late now and you’ll just have to put a seam in there.

Better hope your child isn’t the sort who acts like sock seams are toe-eating monsters.

Sew sides together. Turn in the first 6 rows around waist and hem. Work a row of single crochet around legs.

Straps – With main color and the fine needles, cast on 2 sts, k 1 row, turn, k 2 sts in each st. Next row, k 2 sts in first st, k 1, p 1, k 2 sts in last st; turn, k 2 sts in first st, p 1, k 1, p 1, k 1, k 2 sts in last st (8 sts on needle). Continue to work in ribbing of k 1, p 1, and to increase at beginning and end of every row, until there are 14 sts on needle. Work even in ribbing for 3 ¾ inches. K together the first 2 sts and the last 2 sts in every row until 2 sts are left; fasten off. Make a duplicate piece. Cast on 14 sts for the long strap, work in ribbing of k 1, p 1, until strap measures 23 inches; bind off.

While the halter straps are by far the most bizarre looking part of this swimsuit, they’re also the most practical. Much to your child’s chagrin, this handmade swimwear won’t easily float off their body and disappear into the surf.

Fold a pointed strap double and sew to center of front (see illustration), with one point on right side and the other on under side. Sew second pointed strap in same way to center of back. Insert the long strap in loops, join ends and tack to loop on back.

Now stuff your child into the suit and take lots of photos. Have the pictures blown up and laminated, so you can bring them out at every big event: birthdays, Christmases, bar/bat mitzvahs, graduations, weddings. Revel in the sweet revenge for years of sticky fingers, destroyed furniture and sleepless nights.

I mean, revel in the photographic proof that you were a good parent, and that your child never once doubted your fashion sense.

Click here for the printable pattern.

It’s Almost National Sweater Day!

Sherbet Sweater Pattern (Lea 067) from Laine Dor Yarns, Montreal, c. 1985

On Thursday, February 9th, the World Wildlife Fund is asking everyone in northern climes to turn down the heat and wear a sweater to slow global warming and save the Earth. According to their Sweater Day website: “If every Canadian lowered the heat a few degrees this winter, it'd be like taking 300,000 vehicles off the road!”

True, wearing a sweater one day of the year isn’t likely to slow down the coming weather apocalypse. Still, it’s a nice idea, so in honour of this year’s Sweater Day, I give you a pattern straight from the sweater-iest decade of the last century – the 1980s!

Also known as the sweatiest decade.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

The first thing I noticed upon opening the pattern leaflet was that the directions inside were for a sweater with vertical stripes. Before I could panic, as the sweater pictured clearly had horizontal stripes, a scrap of paper floated out of the booklet.

***************************************************
THIS IS THE CORRECT PATTERN. THE PATTERN PREPRINTED IN THIS LEAFLET BELONGS TO LEA062.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED.

***************************************************

Excuse me, but vertical instead of horizontal stripes are far more than just an inconvenience! My mother warned me that vertical stripes will make me look taller, and that men are intimidated by tall women.

An All-Caps Apology certainly isn’t going to make up for the fact that they’ve just tricked me into buying the striped sweater of spinsterhood!

LEA 067 SWEATER WITH HORIZONTAL STRIPES

No, that’s not intended to be a link. The pattern designer was very fond of the underline key on her manual typewriter.

Spinsters have to make their own fun somehow.

Instructions: For all sizes

Materials: 450 grams (16oz) col A and 50 grams (2oz) of col B & C. In Laine Dor Sherbert

Yes, you read that right. It’s Sherbert, not Sherbet which is French for … well, Sherbert. However, in a move calculated to make pure laine francophones everywhere weep, the company’s called Laine Dor, not d’Or.

Still, you can’t deny they made pretty wool, even if it’s not actually spun “of gold” (d’Or). It’s a shame the company doesn’t appear to have survived the eighties.

Needles: Susan Nates size 7.00 (Am size 10 ½) – or size required to obtain gauge and size 5.00 (Am size 8)

Gauge: 15 sts and 18 rows 10 cm (4’’)

I wonder if leaving the equals sign out of their gauge had something to do with Laine Dor’s demise.

To save time: Take time to check gauge.

Front & Back: (Worked form one cuff to the other)

Or substituting “form” for “from”.

With No. 5.00 needles, and col A, cast on 31 sts and work 2 ½’’ in k1 P1 ribbing.

Randomly capitalizing letters couldn’t have helped their stock market standing.

Change to size 7.00 needles and cont in st st inc 17 sts evenly spaced across 1st row. Work 18 sts A, 6 sts col B in rev st st and 24 sts col A. Inc 1 st at ea edge every 2nd row until work meas 22’’.

Normally, I leave all the typos in, because they’re hilarious. In this case, however, “Inc 1st at ea edge” seemed unnecessarily confusing so I added the all important st so it was clear you were increasing stitches.

Feel free to thank me by going back in time and buying me stock in MTV.

At the same time, when work meas 8 ½’’, position second stripe of 6 sts in col C, rev st st, 10 sts from 1st stripe.

This is why you should always read the entire pattern. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself picking a sweater apart from 22’’ back down to 8 ½''.

Is that weeping I hear? Women in the eighties did not weep!

They got physical!

When work meas 14 ½’’, position 3rd stripe of 6 sts in col C, rev st st, 12 sts from 2nd stripe. When work meas 20 ½’’ position 4th stripe of 6 sts in col C, rev st st, 14 sts from 3rd stripe. Cont in this pattern. When work meas 22’’, inc 18 sts at ea edge. Work even until work meas 26 ½’’. To shape neck, divide work in half (back and front). For the back, work even for 10’’. For the front, at neck edge, every 2nd row, dec 1 st 3 times. End 1st stripe. Work even for 7 ½’’, then, every 2nd row at neck edge, inc 1 st 3 times. Join back and front and work even for 4 ½’’. Dec 18 sts at ea edge. To shape sleeve, every 2nd row, dec 1 st at ea edge until work measures 24’’ join.

Just when I’ve gotten comfortable with “meas” for “measures”, they hit me with the whole word.

Good patterns like to keep you off balance like that. Every sentence is a new adventure, a new mystery.

For instance, what exactly does “dec 1 st at ea edge until work measures 24’’ join” mean? 24’’ from what? Join to what? It’s all so exciting!

At the same time, when work meas 6 ½’’ from neck, end 2nd stripe, when work meas 12 ½’’ from neck end 3rd stripe, when work meas 18 ½’’ from neck end 4th stripe, when work measures 24’’ from join…

Ah, they meant 24’’ from join. Those little prepositions are so important.

… sec 17 sts evenly spaced across next row. Change to size 5.00 needles and work 2 ½’’ in k1 P1 ribbing. Bind off.

No, that’s not “secure 17 sts”, although that’s how I first read it, too. It’s just “dec 17 sts” with an s substituted for d to keep things lively.

Finishing: Join sleeve and sid seams.

Abbreviations can be taken too far, however. Would it really have been so hard to write “side”?

With size 5.00 circular needles…

It's so considerate of the pattern designers not to mention circular needles in the materials list. For good health, you need to break up knitting sessions with exercise like running unexpected errands or tearing your hair out.

…and col A, pick up approx 72 sts around bottom border and work 3’’ in ks P2 ribbing. Bind off. With size 5.00 circular needles and col A pick up approx 36 sts around neck edge at work 1’’ in garter st. (k all rows). Bind off.

Pick up approx 36 sts around neck edge at… At what? What??

Oh well, at least the handy ABBREVIATIONS key will be helpful in figuring out all the “ea”s and “col”s and “meas”s.

ABBREVIATIONS: no. – numéro, pt – point, env – envers, endr – endroit, rep – répéter, m – mailles, rg (s) – rang (s), trav – travailler, term – terminer, aug – augmenter, ch – chaque, proch – prochain, comm – commencer, gl – glisser, rab – rabattre, cont – continuer, rel – relever, aig – aiguille, dim – diminuer.

Unless, for no apparent reason, the ABBREVIATIONS are provided in French.

NOTE: Be sure to buy sufficient yarn of each colour in the same dye lot number to complete the article.

The directions in this leaflet are carefully checked and rechecked to assure accuracy.

Yes, that’s assure accuracy. Because Laine Dor definitely didn’t check to ensure accuracy.

We cannot, however, be responsible for typographical errors or misinterpretations of instructions.

If by some chance our many typographical errors lead to a misinterpretation of the instructions, it’s your fault, not ours.

With this dedication to customer service, it’s shocking that Laine Dor’s still not around. Oh well, at least I’ll always have this misshapen, incorrectly striped sweater to remember them by.

Happy Sweater Day!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Stay Tuned for the Big Announcement After the Break!

Oh, how sweet! A pretty little sheep wandering over the green hills of Wales… I’m sure it won’t interrupt my big announcement.

As some of you may remember, I won third place in the 2009 International 3-Day Novel Contest for a book about zombies gate-crashing a Welsh bog-snorkelling competition. Well, I have some exciting news...

For my very exciting news:

Is it just me, or is that sheep looking at me funny?

Sorry, I got a bit distracted by fluffy cuteness. Time for the big announcement!

A small but feisty Canadian publisher called The Workhorsery has decided to publish my extensively revised and expanded novel!

Alice Hearts Welsh Zombies will be released this summer. It has action, romance, a plane crash, a pub crawl, and of course bog snorkelling. Plus, this book will help spread the all important message that zombies ARE people. Except when they’re bunnies. Or sheep.

Speaking of sheep, where did that cute little guy disappear to...

AAAAAH! It’s a ZOMBIE SHEEP!

RUN!

Crochet is the Opium of the Masses

Double Crochet Belt from “Learn to Crochet,” 1963

This belt is the very first project in “Learn to Crochet”. The method of instruction, the reader is assured, is most “pleasant”, although one is warned to always keep in mind the importance of neatness of execution. In other words, if your finished work is not lovely, it’s your own damn fault and your time would be better spent pursuing messier hobbies like pottery or bog snorkelling.

Observe the young lady in the picture above. She clearly understands the necessity for neatness as she’s shellacked her hair in place. There’s no arguing with results, her crocheted belt is lovely. True, she also has the pale complexion and lethargic poise of an opium addict, barely able to lift her arm toward her books.

Looks like she’s been reading Morocco by Jean-Louis Miège, an historian so obscure he only rates three sentences in the French language Wikipedia. I’m not sure what this tells us about our crochet model. Has she visited Morocco? Is she planning to? Is her opium supplier Moroccan?

Look, there he is! Seconds after this photo was taken, the fellow opened his robe, and asked historian Jean-Louis, “Say, wanna buy some opium? Primo stuff. Fell off the back of a truck. Would I lie to you?”

Or possibly our model can’t breathe and really needs to loosen her double crochet belt before she passes out.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Double Crochet Belt

Coats Mercer-Crochet No. 10 (20 grm.): 2 balls.

There’s a strange symbol directly after Coats. Exhaustive internet research reveals that sadly it’s not a secret symbol used by opium smugglers. It’s actually just an older version of the modern Coats logo.

This model is worked in White, but any shade of Mercer-Crochet maybe be used. No. 10 is available in White, 610, (Dk Ecru), 609 (Ecru), 442 (Mid Buttercup), 621 (Lt. French Blue), 623 (Spring Green) and Spec. 8918 (Lt. Coral).

Lots of choice, so long as you stick to bland, inoffensive shades. No Ravishing Reds or Sex-Kitten Sapphires for you! Even Light Coral has to be special ordered, as a mere glimpse of a colour approaching pink will upset your opium-addled, ahem, delicate sensibilities.

And don’t even think about using any crochet thread other than Coats. Page six of the instructions, which you’ve memorized to ensure the loveliness of your work, decrees: “Coats Mercer-Crochet possesses qualities which are of the utmost importance to the work. It washed beautifully, never loses its colour or becomes ‘stringy’… it is the ideal crochet thread.”

Heaven help you if your thread becomes stringy! Your neighbours will accuse you of being strung-out.

Beads and sequins. 1 buckle.

¾ yd. corded silk ribbon for lining.

Milwards Steel Crochet Hook No. 2 ½. (Slack workers could use a No. 3 hook and tight workers a No. 2.

Slack workers lack proper motivation. This being the early sixties, tight workers simply need a strong sedative.

Of course, even the slack workers will need Nervine, a dry martini, or just plain ol’ opium, as the very first project in this book involves teeny tiny needles and thread.

Welcome to crochet! Please enjoy the complimentary eye-strain.

Tension: 12 rows = 1 in.

Measurements: 3 ½ in. deep x 22 in. long.

Commence with 33 ch.

You can tell this is a classy pattern by the way the designer invites you to “commence” instead of “begin”.

1st Row: 1 dc (double crochet) into 2nd (second) ch (chain) from hook, 1 dc into each of remaining ch, 1 ch, turn.

2nd Row: 1 dc into each dc, 1 ch, turn.

Repeat 2nd row until belt measures 23 in. (or 1 in. longer than waist measurement), omitting turning ch at end of last row.

Or until you have a nervous breakdown from row after row of nothing but double crochet. No wonder the model for this pattern was dreaming of escaping to Morocco!

This also explains why she quit crocheting her belt despite it being clearly several inches too small.

Fasten off.

Damp and press.

Sew on buckle. Then sew on beads and sequins as shown in illustration or as desired. Line inside of belt with corded ribbon.

Don’t go wild with the beads and sequins. Three beads and two sequins is all you can handle as a beginner crocheter and a social opium smoker.

Of course, if you believe that after this pattern you’re ready for the hard stuff, I won’t warn you to just say no. However, if the police show up at your door, you didn’t get this from me.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Oh, the Weather Outside is Frightful...

Ladies’ Ski Mask from “Easy to Make Fashions for the North, South, East, West”, c. 1960

So, clearly it’s time to fight back by frightening the heck out of Jack Frost.

Those who remember the 1960s speak fondly of the Summer of Love, but they never mention the Winter of Rabid Hate. But now I understand why so many hippies fled to San Francisco in 1967 and overindulged in free love and inexpensive marijuana. How else could they block out childhood memories of their mothers wearing this terrifying mask as she hunted them down like so many snowshoe bunnies? Yes, thousands of baby boom youngsters huddled behind snow banks in their urine-soaked snowsuits praying that this terrifying visage wouldn’t find them and make them come indoors to massage Mommy’s hammer toe.

Don’t believe me? Then explain this: George R.R. Martin, the infamous fantasy author, was but a tender twelve years old in 1960, and he believes to this day the most ominous phrase for all of humankind is...

I rest my case.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Ski Masks

Materials Required:
AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY “DAWN” KNITTING WORSTED

I do believe this calls for another sign...

4 ounces Buff Heather
1/3 ounce each Red, Tangerine and Black
Red sequins, Red and Black felt, 2 large bone rings for Ladies’ Mask
1 pr. knitting needles No. 8
Aluminum crochet hook size F

I’ve complained in the past about the creepiness of so-called skin toned ski masks, but Buff Heather will make you look even less like a ski bunny and more like a bog body that’s been dug up at the 2014 Winter Olympics’ site.

Now, even though dead Soviets have turned up in bogs, I want to make it very clear I’m not accusing the Russians of anything. Especially Vladimir Putin.

LADIES’ MASK: Work Basic Mask.

BASIC MASK:
Cast on 82 stitches (sts) and work in Knit (K) 2, Purl (P) 2 ribbing for 2 inches ending last row with P 2.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 26, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts (Right side).
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 26, K 2, P 2. Repeat last two rows for 1 inch ending with K 2, P 2.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 12, increase (inc) 1 st in each of the next 2 sts, K 12, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, P 12, inc in next st, P 2, inc in next st, P 12, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 12, inc in next st, K 4, inc in next st, K 12, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 12, inc in next st, P 6, inc in next st, P 12, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts. Continue in same manner until there are 12 sts between increasing points (94 sts).

The helpful definitions of common short forms, along with the pedantically spelled out instructions and the enthusiastically shouted NEXT ROWS, all imply that this basic ski mask is an ideal first project for a beginner.

Of course, it’ll be your first and last knitting venture after your family sees the finished hat and locks you away as a danger to yourself and others.

NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 38, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 38, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts. Repeat last 2 rows 4 more times ending with K 2, P 2.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 11, bind off 16 sts for Mouth, K 10, P 2, K 2 to end of row.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 11, drop yarn. Attach new skein of yarn on the other side of Mouth, P 11, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 11, drop yarn, pick up 1st skein of yarn, K 11, P 2 K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 11, cast on 18 sts, P 11 on other side of Mouth, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, cut yarn of 2nd skein.

It’s not clear at this point how the Ski Mask will end up looking like a Sock Monkey who died of lock jaw.

NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 40, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P40, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts. Repeat last 2 rows twice.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 16, bind off 8 sts for Nose, K 15 P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 16, cast on 17 sts, P 16, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 16, P 8, K 1, P 8, turn. Working across Nose sts only, K 8, P 1, K 8, turn, P 8, K 1, P 8, K 16, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 16, K 2 together (tog), K 6, P 1, K 6, K 2 tog, P 16, K2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 16, P 2 tog, P 5, K 1, P 5, P 2 tog, K 16, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 16, K 2 tog, K 4, P 1, K 4, K 2 tog, P 16, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 16, P 2 tog, P 3, K 1, P 3, P 2 tog, K 16, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 16, K 4, P 1, K 4, P 16, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 17, P 3, K 1, P 3, K 17, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 18, K 2, P 1, K 2, P 18, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 19, P 1, K 1, P 1, K 19, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.

Normally, I don’t recommend nose jobs for ski masks, but a knitted schnoz really shouldn’t look like it was on the losing end of an argument with a garden hoe.

NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 7, bind off 12 sts for Eye, P 2, bind off 12 sts for other Eye, P 6, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 7, drop yarn, attach about 1 yd. of yarn at Nose and K 3, drop yarn, attach another skein of yarn at other side of other Eye and K 7, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 7, drop yarn, pick up other yarn, P 3, drop yarn, pick up other yarn at other side of Eye, P 7, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 7, drop yarn, pick up other yarn, K 3, drop yarn, pick up other yarn at other side of Eye, K 7, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 7, cast on 12 sts, P 3, cast on 12 sts, P 7, K 2, P 2 for 28 sts.
NEXT ROW: K 2, P 2 for 28 sts, K 41, P 2, K 2 for 28 sts.

Unkind people might comment that the eyes look a tad close together...

...and they’d be right. However, keep in mind that the field of Ski Mask Physiognomy has been debunked, so we cannot conclude that only the criminal class would be caught dead or alive in this mask.

Although, it’s true that the last lady wearing this mask was seen in the company of this fellow ski enthusiast.

NEXT ROW: P 2, K 2 for 28 sts, P 41, K 2, P2 for 28 sts. Repeat last 2 rows once, then P 1 row, K 3 rows.
Work next 35 rows in stockinette stitch (K 1 row, P 1 row), decreasing 4 sts evenly spaced every other row but do not work decreases directly over decreases of previous row until 25 sts remain, cut yarn leaving an end. Thread yarn into needle and draw sts tog, sew seam.

Cut a section of Red felt for lower Lip and stitch in place. Cut a section Red felt for upper lip and stitch in place taking care to keep corners of Mouth neat. Cut two sections of Black felt for Eyes and stitch in place. Outline Eyes with red sequins and also stitch a few sequins on each Cheek.

Only a few sequins on those cheeks, mind you! Whether bog ladies were sacrificial victims or young misses with a poor sense of direction, they did NOT make themselves up to look like whores.

Of course, if you use too few, you risk creating sparkly duelling scars.

Embroider Nostrils in red. Cover 2 bone rings with single Crochet using Tangerine yarn and stitch in place for Earrings.

Go big or go home.

HAIR: Starting at ridge as illustrated and with Tangerine, join yarn over a K st. Working toward top of Mask, * skip 1 K st, wind yarn around index finger to form a 1 inch loop, insert hook through both loops of next K st and complete sc. Repeat from * in same row of K sts to top of mask, skip 1 row of K sts and repeat from 1st * until top of Mask is covered with loops.

Why Tangerine hair? Because you won’t win first prize at the Bog Body Costume Party if you forget that the acids in peat bogs eventually turn everyone into gingers. (Warning: only click the link if you’re a fan of graphic forensic content!)

Of course, the red sequins on your mask may disqualify you anyway, as no bog body has been discovered in sparkly disco wear.

Yet.

Click here for the Printable Pattern