Your Eggs are Bipolar!

Amusing Egg Cozies from Bazaar Time, c. 1965

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Still, I think it’s in very poor taste to mock your breakfast’s diagnosis of bipolar disorder with so-called “Amusing Egg Cozies”.

Besides, first thing in the morning I’m not at all amused by the prospect of psychologically analyzing my eggs. I have enough problems that I don’t want to add to them by dealing with the angst-ridden egg on the left, nor the right hand egg’s crushing sense of ennui. As for the one in the middle, her smug little smile makes me suspect that she’s not a good egg.

But, by all means, go ahead and keep your eggs warm with these borderline personality disorder cozies. Just remember, you are what you eat.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Amusing Egg Cozies

Materials
1 (50g) ball Patons Double Knitting in Orange Cream 254 (this will make 3 cozies). Oddments of Black, Pink, and Blue Double Knitting and oddments of felt for features.

That’s right, run-of-the-mill felt scraps and yarn remnants won’t cut it for these cozies. Only an oddment will do for an odd egg.

Pair No. 9 Milward Disc needles.

Cast on 40 sts, knit 4 rows.

Starting with a K. row, work 12 rows stocking-stitch.

1st row–*K.5, K.2 tog., rep. from * to last 5 sts., K.5 (35 sts.).

It’s this kind of flagrant overuse of periods that led to the infamous full stop shortage of 1965.

2nd and every alternate row–P.

3rd row–*K.4, K.2 tog., rep. from * to last 5 sts., K.5 (30 sts.).

5th row–*K.3, K.2 tog., rep. from * to end (24 sts.).

7th row–*K.2, K.2 tog., rep. from * to end (18 sts.).

9th row–*K.1, K.2 tog., rep. from * to end (12 sts.).

On the other hand, I’m amused by the possibility that computer programmers created a knit stitch, version K.4. For maximum performance, update your knitting needles’ software before beginning this project.

10th row–P.

Break yarn and thread through remaining sts., draw up tightly and fasten off securely. Join seam.

Features: Eyes: Black or Blue straight sts. forming a V; nose: Black satin stitch; mouth; Pink straight sts. Stick felt on for features as in photograph.

Make Black button-hole stitch loop on top of cozy.

Naturally, directions on how to do the button-hole, satin or straight stitches are not provided. All of these, along with instructions on how to stick felt for fun and profit, will be thoroughly demonstrated in your egg art therapy class.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Can’t Drink, Bunny Will Eat Me!

Bunny Bottle Holder pattern from “50 Gifts to Make from Better Living,” 1952

Here our 1950s Mother has decided to combine dinner with playtime by spiffing up her infant’s bottle with a crocheted bunny. Sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it?

Don’t do it!

Don’t you remember what happened when Homer decided to build young Bart a “fun clown bed”?

Even if your infant is made of sterner stuff, and is not easily terrified by killer clowns or psychotic bunnies, this is only number 10 of the Top Ten reasons why you shouldn’t make this bunny bottle holder.

Click here for the complete pattern (and 9 more reasons why you shouldn’t make it!):

Bunny Bottle Holder

Materials: J. & P. Coats “Knit-Cro-Sheen,” Art. A 64, one ball each White (W) and No. 65 Beauty Pink (P); Milwards steel crochet hook No. 4; Embroidery floss, few yards each of rose, blue, red and black; One yd. ¾’’ embroidered ruffling; One yd., ¼’’ pink satin ribbon. Cotton batting for stuffing.
Gauge: 5 sc = 1’’; 5 rows = 1’’.
Use double thread throughout.

9. How is your child supposed to drink from that bottle? The bunny’s head will hit him in the face every time he tries to take a sip. And no, bunny head butting is not an acceptable cure for childhood obesity – babies need food!

Head: Starting at front with W, ch 2. Rnd 1: 5 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Rnd 2: 2 sc in each sc around (10 sc). Rnd 3: * 2 sc in next sc (an inc), sc in next sc, repeat from * around (15 sc). Rnd 4: * 2 sc in next sc, sc in each of 2 sc, repeat from * around (20 sc). Rnds 5 thru 10: Sc in each sc around, inc 5 sc evenly on each rnd (50 sc). Work even until piece is 2 ¾’’ from center. Dec 5 sc evenly on each rnd until 15 sc remain. (to dec: draw up lp in each of 2 sc, yo and thru all lps on hook). Stuff head firmly with cotton. Sew opening.

8. I don’t care if your baby is allergic to cow’s milk. Bunny milk is not an acceptable substitute.

Body: Make 2: Starting at top with P, ch 11. Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across (10 sc), ch 1, turn. Row 2: Sc in each sc across, ch 1, turn. Repeat row 2 until piece is 2 ¼’’. Inc. 1 sc at beg of next 6 rows (16 sc); at end of last row ch 5, turn. Next row: Sc in 2nd ch from hook, in each ch and sc across, ch 5, turn. Repeat last row 3 times more (32 sc), at end of last row ch 1, turn. Next row: Sc in each sc across, ch 1, turn. Repeat last row until piece is 4 ¼’’ from start.

7. Why on earth does this bunny have a pouch anyway? Just imagine your poor child’s humiliation when she goes to school and tries to argue that rabbits are marsupials. Do you want your baby girl to never get into college?

Leg: Sc in each of first 8 sc, ch 1, turn. Work in sc over these 8 sts until leg is 2’’. End off. Join thread to 8th sc from end of last complete row of body and work leg same. Sew the 2 pieces of body tog, leaving opening at top. Stuff lightly with cotton, sew opening. Sew head to body.

Foot: Make 2: Starting at bottom with W, work as for head for 4 rnds (20 sc). Work even until piece is 1 ½’’from center. End off. Stuff firmly. Sew to leg.

6. And if that’s not an icky, slimy marsupial pouch, then this bunny’s got that baby bottle stuffed down the front of his pants. Bad Bunny!

Arm: Make 2: Starting at top with P, ch 13. Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across, ch 1, turn. Row 2: Sc in each sc across, ch 1, turn. Repeat row 2 until piece is 2’’. End off. Fold lengthwise and sew across long side. Stuff firmly. Sew to body.

Hand: Make 2: With W, work as for head for 2 rnds (10 sc). Work even for 1’’ from center. Stuff firmly and sew to arm.

5. Instead of growing up to be a breast man, your little boy will grow up to become a Bunny Man.

Ear: Make 2: Starting at center with W, ch 12. Rnd 1: 3 sc in 2nd ch from hook, sc in each of 9 ch, 3 sc in end ch; working along opposite side of starting ch, sc in each of 11 ch. Rnds 2, 3, 4: Sc in each sc around, inc 3 sc evenly over each rounded end. Rnd 5: Sc at base of each sc around. Join and end off. Sew ears to head. Embroider face with floss; rose nose and mouth, blue eyes, red tongue, black whiskers as pictured. Sew a piece of ruffling around neck, arms and legs.

4. Every time people look at your bunny, they’ll notice that the whiskers aren’t straight. You’ll tell them it’s supposed to be that way, but no one will believe you. They’ll all assume that you don’t care enough about your baby to embroider straight lines on a bunny’s face. The authorities will be called.

Bottle holder: Starting at bottom with P, ch 2. Rnd 1: 7 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Rnds 2 through 6: Inc 7 sc evenly on each rnd (42 sc). Work even until piece is 3’’ from center.

3. Sure, you claim that your baby won’t starve because you’ll just take the bottle out of the bunny’s pouch and give it to her. Well, I’m shocked your family, neighbours, and total strangers haven’t been haranguing you every time you even think of using formula.

Good Mothers breastfeed, and let’s face facts, there’s no way that bunny is going to fit over your breast.

Beading: Ch 4, * sk 1 sc, dc in next sc, ch 1, repeat from * around, join to 3rd ch of ch-4. Next rnd: Sc in joining st, sc in each dc and ch sp around. Sc in each sc around until piece is 4 ½’’ from center.

2. The baby bottle is made of glass, you say, and therefore not loaded with toxic chemicals. Ha, you’re still not a Good Mother! Don’t you know that glass bottles are heavy and can chip, crack or even shatter into thousands of dangerous glass shards? You might as well let your baby play with Bag O’ Glass!

Edging: * Sc in next sc; in next sc, sc, ch 2, repeat from * around. Join and end off. Sew a piece of ruffling around top edge. Cut a 12’’ length of ribbon, draw thru beading to tie. Sew bottle holder to feet and front body. Sew a small ribbon bow to one ear.

1. And finally, the number one reason why you shouldn’t make this bunny bottle holder...

Because if you do, your baby will grow up to be Jimmy Stewart!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Bow before your new fashion overlords!

Hat patterns from “at the drop of a hat” by Lady Galt, 1968

Don’t look into their eyes!

They’re trying to hypnotize you with their psychedelic eyeballs. If they succeed, they’ll replace your eyeballs with buttons and you’ll never see your real Mother again.

What? This isn’t the time to bring up issues you have with your Mother, the fate of the world is at stake!

Well, fine. Now, we’ve been enslaved by three disembodied heads with questionable taste in fashion.

I hope you’re happy.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Fashionaire
(One size fits all adults)

Look into my eyes, says Fashionaire. You will believe that a shapeless hat made of chunky yarn is the height of fashion.

MATERIAL: Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
Colour A: 2 balls. Colour B: 1 ball. 1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles.

TENSION: 1 ½ sts = 1 inch.

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: (wrong side) With Colour A, purl. Row 2: With Colour B * k 1, sl 1; repeat from * to end. Row 3: With Colour B, purl. Row 4: With Colour A, * sl 1, k 1; repeat from * to end.

BODY OF HAT: With Colour A cast on 8 sts. Work in pattern for 22 ins. Cast off.

This woman has obviously been hypnotized by the evil Fashionaire. Just look at her hat!

The poor thing is so far gone, she’s forgotten how to eat.

Top: With Colour A and right side toward you, pick up an knit 32 sts along one side of strip. Working in Stockinette Stitch, dec as follows: First Dec Row: P 2 tog to end. Knit 1 row even. 2nd Dec Row: P 1, * p 2 tog, p 1; repeat form * to end. 3rd Dec Row: K 2 tog to last st, k 1. Break yarn, leaving a 20 inch end, draw through remaining sts and fasten securely.

Band: With Colour A and right side toward you, pick up and knit 28 sts along opposite edge of hat.

Next Row: Cast off on purl row.

FINISHING: Sew seam. DO NOT BLOCK.

Toque
(One size fits all adults)

Next in our rogues gallery is Toque. Sure, her name’s cute, but watch out – her whirling green eyes will suck you right in. She’ll make you believe that the Gamesters of Triskelion was a good episode of the original Star Trek.

Oh yes, she’s that evil.

MATERIAL: 4 balls Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles.

TENSION: 2 sts = 1 inch.

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: * Knit in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off needle over first st, k first st; repeat from * to end. Row 2: * Purl in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off needle over first st, purl first st; repeat from * to end.

You don’t think it’s any accident that Toque has those long, snaky braids, do you? She’s first cousin to the evil Kaa!

BODY OF HAT: Cast on 36 sts. Work in Pattern Stitch for 7 ins. Keeping continuity of pattern dec as follows: First Dec Row: * K 2, k 2 tog; repeat from * to end. Work 1 row even. 2nd Dec Row: * K 1, k 2 tog; repeat form * to end. Work 1 row even. 3rd Dec Row: K 2 tog across row. Break yarn, leaving a 24 inch end, draw through remaining sts and fasten securely.

FINISHING: Sew seam. Make a pompon. DO NOT BLOCK.

Cloche
(One size fits all adults)

And finally, we have Cloche, whose hat resembles no other cloche in all of fashion history.

MATERIAL: 4 balls machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles.

TENSION: 2 sts = 1 inch.

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: * Knit in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off needle over first st, k first st; repeat from * to end. Row 2: P 1, * purl in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off over first st, p first st; repeat from * to last st, p 1.

What’s Cloche’s crime against humanity, you ask?

She... she... she’ll make you wear her cloche. In public!

BODY OF HAT: Cast on 42 sts. Work in Pattern Stitch for 7 ins.

Top: With right side toward you, and working in Stockinette Stitch, dec as follows: First Dec Row: * K 1, k 2 tog; repeat from * to end. Purl 1 row even. 2nd Dec Row: K 1, * k 2 tog, k 1; repeat from * to end. 3rd Dec Row: P 2 tog across row ending p 1. Break yarn, leaving a 24 inch end, draw through remaining sts and fasten securely.

FINISHING: Sew seam.

Fortunately, by the time Fashionaire, Toque and Cloche are done with you, you won’t have to worry about anyone recognizing you.

“Go forth, our be-hatted minions, and crush our enemies!”

Click here for the printable pattern.

Don’t panic!

Mittens and hat patterns from “at the drop of a hat” by Lady Galt, 1968

Because there’s absolutely nothing terrifying about these guillotined gals.

After all, it’s not like these decapitated mannequins are going to come to life and wreak vengeance upon us for incinerating their relations at nuclear test sites.

I’m sure they’re willing to let bygones be bygones. Why just look at their blood red smiles of homicidal happiness...

Oh dear.

For the complete pattern (and more terror!):

Basic Two-Needle Mitts
Childrens size (fits ages 6 to 10). Adult size (fits all adults).

I’m not convinced by the claim that the adult size fits all adults. That purple mitten looks like it barely fits over Mother Mary’s wrists. So, there’s no way they would’ve fit Super Sandy.

MATERIAL: Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (1 strand) – Children: 1 ball; Adult 2 balls.
1 pair needles size 8 (for ribbing); 1 pair needles size 6, OR THE SIZE NEEDLES YOU REQUIRE TO KNIT TO THE TENSION GIVEN BELOW.

TENSION: 3 ½ sts = 1 inch in Stockinette Stitch.

NOTE: Instructions are for Childrens Mitts. Changes for adults are in parentheses. As the finished size of garment is determined by the tension you achieve, be sure to check your tension carefully before beginning to knit.

What do you mean, where are the mannequin head hats? Just let me start out slowly with the mittens. Nice, safe, non-homicidal mittens.

RIGHT MITT: With smaller needles cast on 24 (28) sts. Work in rib of k 1, p 1 for 1 ½ (2 ½) inches. Change to larger needles and work even in stockinette for 1 ½ (2) inches, ending with a knit row. Thumb: Purl first 19 (22) sts and place on a holder, purl to end of row and cast on 4 (6) sts. Work even in stockinette on these 9 (12) thumb sts for 1 ½ (2) inches or ½ inch less than desired length, ending with a purl row. First Dec Row: * K 1, k 2 tog; repeat from * to end. Purl one row. 2nd Dec Row: K 2 tog across row. Break yarn, leaving a 10-inch end, draw through remaining sts, fasten securely and sew thumb seam. Place sts from holder on needle, pick up 5 (6) sts at base of thumb. Work even in stockinette as before for 3 (4 ¼) inches, or 1 inch less than desired length. Shape Top: First Dec Row: * K 2, k 2 tog; repeat from * to end. Purl 1 row. 2nd Dec Row: * K 1, k 2 tog; repeat from * to end. Purl 1 row. 3rd Dec Row: K 2 tog across row. Purl 1 row. Break yarn, leaving an 18’’ end. Draw through remaining sts, fasten securely and sew seam. Darn in ends. DO NOT BLOCK.

LEFT MITT: Work to correspond with Right Mitt reversing all shaping by beginning first row after cuff with a purl row and casting on for thumb on a knit row.

Oh, all right, I’ll pander to your obsession with mannequin millinery.

Here. Look upon the pony-tailed face of doom!

Fashionscene
(One size fits all adults)

I’m fairly certain wearing a flower pot upended on your head was never the “fashion scene” at any point in history.

MATERIAL: 3 balls Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles.

TENSION: 1 ½ sts = 1 inch.

BODY OF HAT: Cast on 12 sts. Work in Stockinette Stitch (knitting in back of knit sts) for 20 ins. Cast off.

Besides, if you’re going to wear a flowerpot as a hat, you’ve got to do it to the max.

Top: With right side toward you, pick up and knit 36 sts along one side of strip. Continue to work in stockinette, work 2 sts tog across row for next 3 rows, ending k 1 on last row. Break yarn, leaving a 25 inch end, draw through remaining sts and fasten securely.

FINISHING: Sew seam. DO NOT BLOCK.

Militaire
(One size fits all adults)

Frankly, Fashionscene Gal doesn’t worry me half as much as Miss Militaire. That itchy rope under her chin is keeping her in a constant killing rage.

MATERIAL: Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
Colour A: 2 balls. Colour B: 2 balls. Colour C: 1 ball. 1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles. 2 buttons.

TENSION: 2 sts = 1 inch.

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: * Knit in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off needle over first st, k first st; repeat from * to end. Row 2: P 1, * purl in 2nd st on left needle, slipping off needle over first st, p first st; repeat from * to last st, p 1.

BODY OF HAT: With one strand each of Colours A, B, and C cast on 14 sts. Work in Pattern Stitch for 22 ins. Cast off.

Just be thankful she’s only a disembodied head. Everyone knows once a villain has been beheaded, they’re totally harmless!

Well, mostly harmless.

Top: With Colour A and right side toward you, pick up and knit 22 sts along one side of strip. Working in Reverse Stockinette (purl on right side, knit on wrong side) and starting with a knit row, work one row even. First Dec Row: P 1, * p 2 tog, p 1; repeat from * to end. Knit 1 row even. 2nd Dec Row: P 2 tog to last 3 sts, p 3 tog. Break yarn, leaving a 25 inch end, draw through remaining sts and fasten securely.

Peak: With Colour A and right side toward you, pick up and knit 16 sts in centre of opposite edge of hat. Working in Reverse Stockinette starting with a knit row, dec 1 st each end, every row until 8 sts remain. Place on holder.

FINISHING: Across outer edge of peak pick up and cast off 16 sts (including those on holder). Sew seam. For a firmer peak run a length of millinery wire around the outer edge of peak. Make a twisted or braided cord 28 inches long. Trim hat as illustrated, placing buttons on sides of hat at ends of peak. DO NOT BLOCK.

Hear that? DO NOT BLOCK! Or else Miss Militaire will command her army of headless robots to hunt you down and fling you into a fiery pit.

Or your majorette friends will mock you.

Either way, you’ll pay dearly for your disobedience.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Mother Will Love You to Death

Poncho and matching hat patterns from “at the drop of a hat” by Lady Galt, 1968

Children take things so literally. March twentieth was the first day of Spring, so now the little monsters are ripping off their hats and coats and running around in nothing but their shirtsleeves. Next thing you know, you have to cancel your trip to the hair salon because the kids all have the sniffles.

But this crafty Mother found a solution!

“Now listen close, honey child. All these little girls refused to wear a hat because it’s springtime. Do you want your head to end up on a post? No, I didn’t think so.”

Good mothers always know how to terrorize inspire their children for their own good.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Poncho Mates
CHILDREN’S: Fits size 6 to 10. One size fits all adults.

“They’re called Poncho Mates,” Mary told her daughter, “Because by wearing matching ponchos we’re showing the whole world that we’re best friends. Best friends for ever and ever!”

NOTE: Instructions are for childrens, adults are in parentheses.
MATERIAL: Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
Colour A: 12 (20) balls. Colour B: 6 (10) balls.
TENSION: 1 ½ sts = 1 inch.
PATTERN STITCH: Row 1 (wrong side) With Colour A, purl. Row 2: With Colour B, * k 1, sl 1; repeat from * to end. Row 3: With Colour B, purl. Row 4: With Colour A, * sl 1, k 1; repeat from * to end.

BACK PANEL: With Colour A cast on 26 (34) sts. Work in Pattern Stitch for 7 (17) ins, ending with a knit row. Keeping continuity of pattern dec 1 st each side every purl row 8 (10) times. Childrens: Cast off. Adults: Casting off as you work, dec as follows: k 2, * k 2 tog, k 1; repeat from * to end. Fasten off.

FRONT PANEL: (for childrens) Same as back.

SIDE PANELS: (make 2) With Colour A cast on 18 (22) sts. Work same as back panel until 2 sts remain. Childrens: Cast off. Adults: K 2 tog, fasten off.

Then Mary sat down and read “The Runaway Bunny” to little Becky.

“If you run away,” she read. “I will run after you.”

“Is that a threat?” asked Becky.

LEFT FRONT: (for adults) With Colour A cast on 18 sts. Work in Pattern Stitch until work measures same as back to dec. Keeping continuity of patter dec 1 st at beginning of every other row until 8 sts remain. Next Row: (right side) Casting off as you work, dec as follows: k 1, k 2 tog, k 1, (k 2 tog) twice. Fasten off.

RIGHT FRONT: Same as Left Front, reversing all decreases.

FINISHING: Sew side panels to back. Then sew front panels to side panels. With right side toward you pick up and knit 32 sts along left front edge. Next Row: Cast off. Finish right front same. Fringe: Cut 8 inch strands of yarn. Using 3 strands at a time, fold in half and thread through lower edge of poncho and knot as illustrated. DO NOT BLOCK.

Hugger
SHOWN WITH PONCHO MATES
(One size fits all adults)

“It’s called a Hugger,” Mary told Becky, “Because whenever I wear it, I’ll be thinking of how much I love hugging you.”

MATERIAL: Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
Colour A: 2 balls. Colour B: 1 ball. 1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles. 1 button.

TENSION: 1 ½ sts = 1 inch.

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: (wrong side) With Colour A, purl. Row 2: With Colour B * k 1, sl 1; repeat from * to end. Row 3: With Colour B, purl. Row 4: With Colour A, * sl 1, k 1; repeat from * to end.

Little Becky knew she had to run away as soon as possible. She’d already bought a fake ID and a train ticket to Canada.

BODY OF HAT: With Colour A cast on 34 sts. Knit 2 rows. Next Row: Cast off 4 sts, knit to last 4 sts, tie in another ball of yarn, cast off 4 sts. Work in pattern st for 7 ins. Keeping continuity of pattern dec as follows: With wrong side toward you, p 7, * p 2 tog; repeat from * 5 times, p 7, cast off. Sew seam. Neckband: With Colour A, and right side toward you, pick up and knit 16 sts across lower edge of hat. Knit 1 row even. Cast off.

FINISHING: Stitch ends of neckband neatly to ties. Sew on button. DO NOT BLOCK.

If you start your Poncho Mates and Huggers now, you can finish them in time for Easter! Then you’ll be able to show off what a close knit family you are while your daughter gets her picture taken with the Easter Bunny.

This little girl’s Mommy didn’t love her enough to knit a Poncho Mate. No wonder the poor thing looks traumatized.

Topsy
SHOWN WITH PONCHO MATES
(One size fits all children)

MATERIAL: Lady Galt machine launderable Medallion (Group E) (3 strands).
Colour A: 2 balls. Colour B: 1 ball. 1 pair 3/4 inch jumbo needles.

TENSION: 1 ½ sts = 1 inch.

PATTERN STITCH: Row 1: (wrong side) With Colour A, purl. Row 2: With Colour B * k 1, sl 1; repeat from * to end. Row 3: With Colour B, purl. Row 4: With Colour A, * sl 1, k 1; repeat from * to end.

BODY OF HAT: With Colour A cast on 24 sts. Work in Pattern Stitch for 5 ins. Keeping continuity of pattern, dec as follows: First Dec Row: K 2 tog across row. Purl 1 row. 2nd Dec Row: Same as first dec row. Purl 1 row, break yarn, leaving a 20 inch end, draw through remaining sts and fasten securely.

FINISHING: Sew seam. Make a tassel, as illustrated.

And if your children all run away without their hats or ponchos, there’s always one family member who’ll never escape let you down.

Click here for the printable pattern.

The Afghan Stephen King Would Crochet

Cluster stitch coverlet from Woman’s Day Granny Squares, No. 2, 1974

The most sophisticated granny of all!

Yes, this redrum afghan could only be found in the most sophisticated Hotels of the 1970s, such as the Overlook.

This eye-catching cluster stitch coverlet mirrors the super-graphic mood of many of today’s artists.

If by “super-graphic mood”, you mean such nihilistic classics as Stanley Kubrick’s ultraviolent A Clockwork Orange or Sam Peckinpah’s ultra-ultraviolent Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia.

Not that I’m recommending you watch these two films back to back. However if you do, this cluster stitch coverlet is the perfect afghan to curl up in to enjoy your very own Man’s Inhumanity to Man film festival. Or the perfect afghan to hide under whimpering, afterwards.

Four colors, crocheted in a variety of sixteen motifs, create this work of art.

I’m not sure this afghan qualifies as a work of art, but then again I never understood why this painting cost over 1.7 million dollars either.

Maybe this is the Voice of Fire afghan?

Sport yarn.

Now, I understand why this afghan doesn’t give equal play to all four colours! After having to crochet 176 of these eye-catching motifs because the artist insisted on sport weight yarn, I’d be seeing red too.

It also explains why there was a $10,000 bounty for the head of the anonymous afghan artist.

For the complete pattern (and the secret identity of the artist!):

CLUSTER STITCH COVERLET

SIZE: Approximately 52 ½’’ x 75’’.
MATERIALS: Sport yarn, 22 ozs. deep blue, 16 ozs. bright red, 11 ozs. dark red, 14 ozs. green, 7 ozs. turquoise. Crochet hook size D, or size required to crochet to gauge.

Hang on, deep blue, bright red, dark red, green and turquoise adds up to five colours not four!

But at least the identity of the anonymous artist is no longer a mystery.

GAUGE: Each square = 4 ½’’.

CLUSTER: Draw up the loop on hook to ½’’, (yo and draw up ½’’ loop in same sp) twice, yo and through all 5 loops on hook, ch 1 to complete cluster.

NOTE: Complete clusters are used only on Rnd 1 and at corners. Between corners on side edges the first half of cluster is worked in same sp as preceding cluster and 2nd half is worked in next sp. When changing colors always fasten off one color after the joining sl st. To attach next color, attach yarn in the corner ch-2 sp. ch 1, turn, then pull up ½’’ loop to begin cluster.

NOTE: It’s not too late to turn back now.

SQUARES: Make 176. With bright red, work 50 squares through Rnd 2, finish 10 with green (A), 26 with deep blue (B), 14 with turquoise (C); work 18 squares through Rnd 3, finish 6 with green (D), 4 with turquoise (E), 8 with deep blue (F); work 38 squares through Rnd 4, finish 19 with deep blue (G), 11 with green (H), 8 with turquoise (J); work 14 squares through Rnd 5, finish 7 with deep blue (L), 4 with turquoise (M), 3 with green (N); finish all with seep blue (O). With dark red, work 29 squares through Rnd 6, finish 14 with turquoise (P), 13 with green (Q).

I wasn’t surprised that there was no square I, as it could easily be confused with the letter J. However, O and Q can also be mistaken for each other, and there’re both there. Plus there’s the mystery of why there’s no square K.

Perhaps “I” was omitted to deliberately eliminate the artist’s ego from her creation, which would also explain why she chose to remain anonymous. As for “K”, it’s true that Nikita Khrushchev was no friend to sophisticated modern art, but c’mon by 1974 he’d been dead for three years. Time to let it go, my droog.

Ch 6, join with sl st to form a ring. Rnd 1: Work 8 clusters in ring, sl st in top of first cluster, sl st in next ch-1 sp, turn. Rnd 2: In same ch-sp as sl st, work (1 cluster, ch 2 and 1 cluster) for corner. ** ch 1, yo insert hook into the same space. * pull up ½’’ lp (first half of cluster made), yo insert hook into next space, pull up ½’’ lp, yo, pull through 5 sts on hook, ch 1, (second half of cluster made) *, yo and in the same space as 2nd half of previous cluster repeat from * to * once, ch 1, work corner in same sp as 2nd half of last cluster, repeat from ** around, end last repeat work second half of last cluster in same sp as first corner, ch 1, sl st to top of first cluster, sl st in corner sp, turn. Rnd 3: Repeat Rnd 2 having two more clusters n each side edge between corners, and working corners as before in corner ch-2 sp between clusters – 4 clusters on each side and 4 corner groups. Rnds 4, 5, 6, 7: Repeat Rnd 3, increasing the clusters on each side respectively to 6, 8, 10 and 12.

Note how modern artists don’t have any truck with straightforward instructions or spaces between rounds. Conformity kills, man!

FINISHING: Following the color sequence chart, sew or crochet the squares together.

And by colour sequence chart, they mean a hidden word Sudoku gone horribly wrong.

Hey, I bet if you read the chart just right, it will reveal the whereabouts of the artist who inflicted this sport yarn nightmare upon us. So far, I’ve only able to figure out Mop, Hop, Pop, and a scatological word that I won’t repeat. I can only conclude that Cluster Stitch Barbie’s hiding out in an adult’s only Dr. Seuss book.

Edging: With dark red, work 13 rnds of cluster st around entire afghan.

That’s right, because what this pattern needs is more red.

Now that you have your afghan work of art, you need a place to display it. And I know just the place for it in Anchorage, Alaska.

Quick, get that man a redrum afghan before he catches a chill!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Erin Go Barf

Hooded Crochet Jacket from Ladies Home Journal Needle & Craft, Spring/Summer 1979

In days of yore dashing, romantic costumes colored the misty Irish landscape.

In the days of yore, the Irish were also dropping like flies due to cholera and the potato famine. But on the bright side, they didn’t have this revolting jacket blighting their misty Irish landscape.

Peg O’ My Heart, fabled Irish loveliness in Audrey Peyton’s Hooded Crochet Jacket.

fa*ble [fā'bəl] noun. A story that teaches a moral, but is factually untrue. e.g. Peg believed that Audrey Peyton’s Hooded Crochet Jacket was an example of Irish loveliness. Her fiancé became violently ill at the sight, and the wedding was called off.

Chenille and wool yarns by Reynolds. See general instructions.

My general instructions are to chug five Shamrock Shakes and then dance an Irish jig. Within minutes your jacket will look exactly like the one above.

Handmade by Mother is not legally responsible should any gastro-intestinal implosions result from following the above instructions.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

SIZE: Directions are for Small. Changes for Medium are in parentheses.

Plus-sized gals, you just dodged a bullet.

MATERIALS: Reynold’s yarns; “Raynelle” Sport yarn, 2 oz. skeins in Lt. Olive #9428, 14 for skirt, 2 for jacket; “Velourette”, 1 oz. skeins in Rose Vif #9012, 34 (38) for jacket. Crochet hooks size G and K. Silk covered snaps.

The abbreviation Vif stands for Very Important Fiber!

Okay, it’s probably the French word vif which means a lively or fast tempo. However, it’s up to you whether you prefer your yarn to be very important, or have a reputation for being fast.

GAUGE: In “Velourette” with size G hook, approx 4 dc = 1’’, 2 rows = 1’’.

JACKET: Note: Jacket is worked from the neck down. Hood and ruffle are added later. Double increase (dbl inc) = 2 dc, ch 1, 2 dc in same space.

BACK AND FRONT: With Velourette and size G hook, ch 62 (72).

If I ever have another daughter, I’m going to name her Velourette.

Row 1: Dc in 4th ch from hook, 1 dc in next 9 (11) ch, 11 (13) sts counting turning ch (front); dbl inc in next ch, 1 dc in next 8 (9) ch (sleeve); dbl inc in next ch, 1 dc in next 18 (22) ch (back); dbl inc in next ch, 1 dc in next 8 (9) ch (sleeve); dbl inc in next ch, 1 dc in next 11 (13) ch (front); ch 3, turn.

Hey, at least I’m not going to name her Fifi Trixibelle!

Row 2: *Dc in next dc and ea dc to ch 1 sp. Work dbl inc in ch 1 sp, and rep from * across row, end ch 3, turn.

Rows 3 & 4: Continue in dc, working dbl inc in ea ch 1 sp.

Row 5: Work 2 dc in first st, work across as before to last dc, 2 sc in last st, ch 3, turn. Continue to Row 15, rep front inc on Rows 10 and 15.

Row 16: Dc in next dc and ea dc to ch 1 sp, pull a loop through, sk to next ch 1 sp, pull a loop through and finish as a dc. Dc in ea dc to next ch 1 sp, rep from *, finish row with 1 dc in each dc, ch 3, turn. Work on these sts for front and back.

Hang on, how can I “rep from *” when Row 16 doesn’t include an “*”?

Row 17: Place marker at center back. *Work 2 dc in first dc, work in dc to marker, 5 dc in center back st, continue in dc across row, 2 dc in last st, ch 3, turn. Rep from * through row 36 having 1 more st at ea side of front, and 5 sts at center back ea row. End off.

SLEEVES: Place marker at center of sleeve. Att yarn in dc at underarm and work 1 dc in ea dc to marker, 3 dc in center st, 1 dc in ea st to end of row, ch in to beg st to close row, ch 3, turn. Rep from * until 15 rows from beg. End off.

“Att” either stands for Attach or Attack. As in attach the yarn at the underarm OR attack the pattern editor for once again providing no “*” to “rep from”.

Once could be a typo, but twice! Clearly, the pattern editor was already drowning the shamrock.

HOOD: Att yarn at front corner of neckline.

Row 1: Ch 3, work dc in same st, work 2 dc in ea sc around neckline, ch 3, turn.

Rows 2-12: Work 1 dc in ea sc across, ch 3, turn.

Rows 13-24: Work 1 dc in ea dc across, but dec 2 sts in ea row at random spaces. Do not have dec above ea other.

Rows 25-36: Work 1 dc in ea dc, dec 3 time ea row in random spaces. End off. Fold hood in half. With right sides tog and size K hook, sl st tog to form seam at top of hood.

Then again, if I was editing this pattern, I’d be tempted to drown my sorrows, too.

Is there any problem that getting drunk on light beer dyed with green food colouring can’t solve?

RUFFLE: With size K hook and Sport yarn, beg at lower right edge of jacket.

Row 1: Work 10 tr into edge st of ea row to neckline (360 tr), ch 4, turn.

Row 2: 1 Tr in ea tr to Row 24 (240 tr), 1 dc in next st, 1 hdc in next st, 1 sc in next st, end off.

Row 3: With right side facing, beg at Row 18 (180th st of Row 2), sc in first st, hdc in next st, dc in next st, tr in next st and in ea st to neck, ch 4, turn.

No sober pattern editor would describe Row 18 as the 180th stitch of Row 2. Just like no sober pattern designer would expect you to make over 500 triple crochets for a jacket’s ruffle!

Row 4: Tr in ea tr to Row 12 (120th st of Row 3), 1 dc in next st, 1 hdc in next st, 1 sc in next st, end off.

Row 5: Att yarn in first st at bottom of jacket, ch 3, sc in same st, * work 1 sc in next 3 sts, ch 3 and sc in next st. Rep from * to neck. End off. Work other side to correspond.

Of course, no sober crocheter could cope with a pattern that used “Row” to denote what part of the ruffle from hell you’re making AND the part of the jacket you’re attaching this monstrosity to.

Although, maybe “Att” really does mean attack. After all, if I looked down and saw that ruffle hanging there, I’d attack it.

HOOD AND SLEEVE EDGING: For hood, beg at top of ruffle and work to other side. For sleeves, beg and end at underarm. Att yarn, ch 3, 2 dc in same st, *1 sc in next st, 3 dc in next st, rep from * to end.

FINISHING: Sew snaps to inside of jacket as close to ruffle as possible, spacing so there are no gaps when jacket is closed.

Plus, you could argue it was self-defense. There you were, innocently trying to sew snaps onto your jacket, but in your desperation to ensure there wasn’t a single solitary gap that would bring shame upon your Mathair, you got a wee bit too close to the ruffle...

And Jaysus, the bucket of snot attacked you! So, you had to feckin’ beat it with a Shillelagh, didn’t ya? Too right!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Click here for the printable pattern.

Pixie Popemobile Not Included

Pixie from Crochet World, October 1978

Hey, it’s almost St. Patrick’s Day, so what could be more appropriate than crocheting up a pixie wearing the Pope’s mitre?

After all, this is a Catholic celebration, and St. Patrick once threw a hoard of pixies out of his church. Sure, some of the pixies still hold a grudge, but this particular one has clearly decided to change the system from within. Not only has he embraced Catholicism, he even aspires to become the pontiff himself.

Poor pixie, he doesn’t realize that he hasn’t a snowball’s chance in... a very hot place, of ever getting elected Pope. Still, he has a better chance than this lion cub.

Bad kitty! You don’t become pope by eating your predecessor!

For the complete pattern (and more snark):

Crochet for Fun

Crocheting for fun is always preferable to spending long hours in sweatshops, crocheting for pennies.

by kay mariotti

For all you girls who may be bored with thoughts of winter and all the snow to come, how about digging out that empty L’eggs container and some green yarn.

Hey, boys knit too!

Although, to be fair, only the most unique boys will have empty L’eggs containers lying around their homes.

St. Patrick’s Day will be here in a few months and those little pixies will be popping in for that special day.

This pattern was published in October 1978, thereby giving crocheters a good five months head start on making St. Patrick’s Day Pixies.

I’m sure the little one in this pattern will become a great friend for any child. In fact, my son Tim could hardly wait until I’d finished putting him together.

Tim always wanted his own pixie. Finally, he thought, there will someone else to blame when the cow gives curdled milk and the chickens lay snake eggs!

That’s why Tim’s mother, being a clever woman, decided to give the pixie a Pope hat. If tricks were played on the household, everyone would know it couldn’t possibly have been the pixie. After all, this pixie’s a good Catholic!

Once again I chose to stuff mine, mainly because at the moment I have only the one egg and want to keep it for a pattern. For my pixie, I’d decided to put a pompon on his hat, but Tim wanted a bell, so I decided to use the little jingle bells that are popular at Christmas. The noise from the bell seems to intrigue a small child.

Tim’s mom had long suspected her son was a Changeling, but now finally she had proof. He’s fascinated by bells, and everybody knows that fairies have a love/hate relationship with bells.

Remember to use washable yarn when making this, so when little hands get it dirty, into the washer and dryer it may go and back out the same day.

This pattern is a very simple one, which takes a little more than an hour to make. I made six of them in one evening, so you see you won’t be bored while making it.

If a woman with a serious case of OCD can crochet six pixies in one evening, and she starts crocheting on October 17, how many pixies will she have crocheted by St Patrick’s Day?

It might also be used as a decoration at Christmas, so let’s get out those crochet hooks and pass the time away. Good luck on your Pixie!

PIXIE

MATERIALS:
Knitting worsted yarn, about 2 oz. pink and green
½ ounce light green
Size G and D crochet hooks
L’eggs container or stuffing
Small bell

HEAD: With pink, chain 2, 6 sc in 2nd chain from hook.
RND 2: 2 sc in each sc around.
RND 3: * Sc in first sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around.
RND 4: * Sc in first 2 sc, 2 sc in next sc. Repeat from * around.
RND 5-10: Sc around. At end of round 10, cut pink. Join green yarn.
RND 11-18: Sc around.
RND 19: Sc around, decreasing every third sc. At end of this rnd, slip egg in or stuff.
RND 20: Sc around, decreasing in every other sc.
RND 21: Repeat round 20. End off.

ARM: Make two.
RND 1: With pink, chain 2, 6 sc in 2nd chain from hook.
RND 2-4: Sc in each sc around. End off.
RND 5-12: Attach green and sc around. End off and stuff.

By the time you’ve crocheted your sixth pixie of the evening, you may want to start mixing up the colours. Purple pixies, green pixies, magenta pixies... go nuts! After all, why would you want to perpetuate the stereotype that all Pixies are White (or Pink), when you can create a rainbow coalition of pixies!

FEET: Make two.
RND 1: With lighter green, chain 2, 6 sc in 2nd chain from hook.
RND 2-4: Sc in each sc around. Cut lt. green and join green.
RND 5-12: Sc in each sc around. End off and stuff.

HAT:
RND 1: With light green, chain 25. Join and sc around.
RND 2: Sc in each sc around. Join and end off.
RND 3-10: Attach green and sc in each sc around.
RND 11: Sc around, decreasing in every third sc.
RND 12: Sc around, decreasing in every other sc.
RND 13: Sc in each sc around.
RND 14 AND 15: Repeat round 12. At end of round 15, end and sew hat to top of head. Sew small jingle bell to top of hat.

Although, if you want to be truly inclusive, you should also vary your pixie’s religious head gear. Consider a yarmulke, or perhaps a hijab. Or you could go for a vintage pixie look.

EYES: With size D hook and blue yarn, chain 2, 8 sc in 2nd chain from hook. End off. Make one more.
MOUTH AND NOSE: With red yarn, embroider these in proper places.

FINISHING: Complete stuffing head and body, or if L’eggs was used, close up end opening. Stuff arms and legs and sew to body, placing arms where green starts on body. Place eyes on face.

EARS: Make 2.
With pink yarn, chain 3, sc across, chain 1, turn. Then sc around entire piece. End off and sew to head.

BOW: With light green, chain 46. End off. Tie knot at each end and form bow. Tack to front of body.

Or you could toss your hooks and yarn aside and make your pixie out of blue silly putty.

I bet you could make a dozen Cornish Pixies in the time it would take you to crochet just one Papal Pixie. Plus, just think how thrilled the Harry Potter fans in your house will be to find one of these toys on their pillow on St. Patrick’s Day morning!

If your children run away screaming, they’re Changelings just like young Tim. You’ll just have to crochet them a couple of belled pixies, and then go to the Universal Studios Harry Potter theme park without them.

Click here for the printable pattern.

It’s a two-in-one post for a two-in-one Jaunty cap!

Here is thirteen year old Jamie modeling his Handmade-by-his-own-Mother Jaunty cap, in a take-no-prisoners shade of emergency orange. I think he’s got a certain Harry Callahan air about him. “Do ya feel jaunty? Well, do ya, punk?”

Faithful readers may be wondering if they’ve missed the jaunty post for this DIY. However fear not, the pattern for this sixties stocking cap hasn’t been mocked...yet!

But thanks to Jamie’s talented and generous mother, Lisa, we can all make Jaunty caps of our own.

Read on for the complete pattern (and more commentary from the peanut gallery!):

Jaunty Cap pattern from Beehive Family Headwear & Scarves, c. 1965

Though I’ve been calling this a Jaunty cap, technically it’s also a Jaunty scarf. This space age Sixties design makes it possible to simultaneously wear it on your head and wrap it around your neck.

Which is why this Beehive pattern is simply named...

Jaunty

MATERIALS: Patons Canadiana Superwash Wool or Patons Candiana Sayelle (50 g): 3 balls main colour 8. 2 balls contrasting colour A. Two 3 14 mm (No. 10) and two 4 mm (No. 8) Milward knitting needles or whichever needles you require to produce the tension given below.

TENSION: 5 1/4 sts and 6 1/2 rows – 1 inch (2.5 cm) with 4 mm (No. 8) needles in stocking st.

SIZE: To fit 21-22 inch (53-56 cm) head size.

The pattern designer wants you to believe that wrapping this long, winding hat around your neck will prevent you from getting a sore throat. However, if you’re not careful, you could end up with a permanent sore throat à la Isadora Duncan.

Beginning at cuff with B and 3 1/4 mm (No. 10) needles, cast on 108 sts.
Work 6 ins (15 cm) in (K2, P2) ribbing. Break B.

Note: Hat is worked in alternating stripes of 4 ins (10 cm) colour A and 4 ins (10 cm) colour B, joining and breaking colours as required.

Change to 4 mm (No. 8) needles and work 2 1/2 ins (6 cm) stocking st ending with purl row.

Of course, tough guys laugh in the face of danger!

1st decreasing row: (K16. K2tog) 6 times. Work 7 rows even.
2nd decreasing row: (K2tog. K15) 6 times. Work 7 rows even.
3rd decreasing row: (K14. K2tog) 6 times. Work 7 rows even. (90 sts on needle).
4th decreasing row: (K2tog. K7) 10 times. Work 7 rows even.
5th decreasing row: (K6. K2tog) 10 times. Work 9 rows even.
6th decreasing row: (K2tog. K5) 10 times. (60 sts on needle). Work 19 rows even.

Lisa also knitted another version of this cap for a friend of hers using the original stripe pattern. I really like how she substituted a tassel for the pompon with both hats.

She wrote, “How great would it look if you were to put an edging on it along the seam to make it look like a dinosaur's tail ... hmmm ... Lots of ways to make this one look unique!”

7th decreasing row: (K2tog. K10) 5 times. Work 19 rows even.
8th decreasing row: (K9. K2tog) 5 times. Work 19 rows even.
9th decreasing row: (K2tog. K8) 5 times. Work 19 rows even.
10th decreasing row: (K7. K2tog) 5 times. Work 19 rows even.
11th decreasing row: (K2tog. K6) 5 times. Work 19 rows even.
12th decreasing row: (K5. K2tog) 5 times. Work 19 rows even.
13th decreasing row: (K2tog. K4) 5 times. Work 19 rows even.
14th decreasing row: (K3. K2tog) 5 times. (20 sts on needle). Work 9 rows even.

I agree! For instance, if you happen to know a tough guy who’s also a Harry Potter fan, you can always knit a striped hat in his Hogwarts house colours.

For the record: Gryffindor is red and gold, Slytherin is green and silver, Hufflepuff is black and yellow, and Ravenclaw is blue and bronze.

Proceed:–
1st row: (K2tog. K2) 5 times. Work 9 rows even.
11th row: (K1. K2tog) 5 times. Work 9 rows even.
21st row: (K2tog) 5 times. Break yarn. Thread end through remaining sts. Draw up and fasten securely. Sew back seam. Make pompon as given on page 6. Sew to point of hat.

Yes, I know the movies depicted Ravenclaw colours as blue and silver. The movieverse is wrong, okay? Only the books are CANON!

Pompon

Wind yarn around 3 fingers approx. 75 times, depending on desired thickness of pompon. Remove fingers and tie yarn tightly in centre. Cut through each side of loops. Trim to a smooth round shape.

Ahem. When you’re done making a totally-not-geeky Harry Potter stocking cap (with or without pompon!) for yourself, you can also make one for your jaunty cat.

Trust me, that’s gratitude in his eyes.

Click here for the printable pattern.

Red Dawn of the Penguins

Penguin Dance from Patons Young at Heart, 1988

Ah, the 1980s. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was a time of boom boxes and breakdancing. As this sweater clearly demonstrates, penguins were at the forefront of this dance craze. In fact, some of Michael Jackson’s best moves were stolen from these party hearty penguins! This is why, to this day, Michael’s music sales in Antarctica are so low.

But this decade wasn’t totally tubular for our flightless friends. Their communist past made them penguins non grata in Ronald Reagan’s America. Most penguins moved back to Antarctica, but a small group of radicalized penguins supported the failed Soviet invasion of Colorado in 1984. As a result, all penguins remaining in the United States are now behind bars.

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

Penguin Dance

Two 4½ mm (U.S. 7) and two 6 mm (U.S. 10) knitting needles or whichever needles you require to produce the tension given below.

TENSION: 15 sts and 20 rows = 4 ins (10 cm) with 6 mm needles in stocking st.

The 1980s were a tense time during the Cold War. When the United States was given permission to test cruise missiles in Cold Lake, Alberta, protests broke out across Canada.

The instructions are written for small size. Any changes necessary for medium size (M) and large size (L) are written in brackets thus: ( ).

Note: Wind small balls of the colours to be used, one for each separate area of colour in the design. Start new colours at appropriate points. To change colours, twist the two colours around each other where they meet, on wrong side, to avoid a hole.

In fact, this dancing penguin sweater was designed by Canadian protesters as a deliberate slap in the face to the commie-bashing, penguin-jailing Americans.

FRONT: **With red and 4 ½ mm needles cast on 65 sts (M – 73 sts) (L – 81 sts).

1st row: (Right side). K1. *P1. K1. Repeat from * to end of row.
2nd row: P 1. *K1. Repeat from * to end of row.

Repeat these 2 rows (K1. P1) ribbing for 3 ins (8 cm) ending with right side facing for next row and increasing 11 sts evenly across last row. 76 sts on needle (M – 84 sts) (L – 92 sts). **

Change to 6 mm needles and work chart VII in stocking st to end of chart reading knit rows from right to left and purl rows from left to right noting front neck shaping. (Chart VII shown on page 23).

Note how the chart specifies that the background be red – the favourite colour of the Red Dawn penguin terrorists! Coincidence? I think not!

BACK: Work from ** to ** as given for front.

Change to 6 mm needles and work chart VII in stocking st to end of chart reading knit rows from left to right and purl rows from right to left omitting all reference to penguins.

Omitting all penguin references on the back of this sweater was a last minute attempt by Patons to protect themselves from accusations of supporting penguin terrorism.

SLEEVES: With red and 4½ mm needles cast on 33 sts (M – 33 sts) (L – 37 sts) and work 2 ½ ins (6 cm) in (K1.P1) ribbing as given for front, ending with right side facing for next row and increasing 11 sts evenly across last row. 44 sts on needle (M – 44 sts) (L – 48 sts)

Change to 6 mm needles and work chart VIII in stocking st to end of chart reading knit rows from right to left and purl rows from left to right. (Chart VIII shown on page 22).

Work duplicate stitch on all pieces of garment as illustrated. (See diagram in helpful hints on page 32).

If you don't know duplicate stitch, you are clearly a spy for the penguins!

NECKBAND: Sew right shoulder seam.

With right side of work facing, white and 4½ mm needles, pick up and knit 14 sts down left front neck edge. Pick up and knit 16 sts across centre front neck edge. Pick up and knit 14 sts up right front neck edge. Pick up and knit 29 sts across back neck edge. 73 sts on needle.

Beginning and ending on a 2nd row, work 2½ ins (6 cm) in (K1.P1) ribbing as given for front. Cast off loosely in ribbing. Sew left shoulder and neckband seam. Fold neckband in half to wrong side and sew loosely in position.

TO MAKE UP: Sew in sleeves between markers. Sew side and sleeve seams. Do not press.

There is no making up with penguin terrorists! Never forget the sacrifice of the brave Wolverines!

Even now, the Penguin Red Dawn is hiding in Venice, waiting for their chance to strike again!

Okay, maybe they’re not hiding.

Click here for the printable pattern.